How long does one grieve after the death of a spouse?

Gaer

Gaer

"Angel whisperer"
Location
New Mexico U.S.A.
Hope this isn't an upsetting thread.
When my husband died, it was about 4 years before I stopped grieving and got back to me.

I had a friend who's husband died on the 5th of the month and she said she stopped all mourning and got her life back together on the 30th of the same month!

I was friends with a dentist and his wife. My dental appt was Monday afternoon. I went in and said "How's Marie?" The dentist said, "She died a week ago, suddenly!" "We had her funeral Thursday. But i got married again."
"What?"
"I got remarried Saturday afternoon to another lady I knew."
(!!!!?????!!!!!????)

I know grief and mourning is all personal. My employment at the time gave me three days. But I never made it back without breaking into tears, so I had to quit.
What is the usual time for this? I don't think it depends on the amount of love felt, a person's emotional maturity or even personal philosophy. Maybe it's all of those things, or none of those things. If you lost a spouse, how long before you were able to live again?
 

I don't accept death well, never have, but in the event my husband goes before me, I will definitely grieve until my own death, and there will be no moving forward with another man.

Marriage for me happens once in a lifetime. It's a one time deal with no repeats.

I still grieve the loss of a lifelong friend. This year will mark 40 years since her passing.

As for people like your dentist, I have no words for people like that. Sickening to say the least.
 
Sliverfox said:
My mother died at age 58.
My father remarried 2 years later.

From what others have told me ,, Dad started looking about 1 & 1/2 year after my mother died.

I think it really depends on the person & their married relationship.
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my mother died in September one year...12 months later in the same month my father married again.. he grieved for one month then found a woman on a dating site and romanced her even bringing her to our house and sleeping in my mothers' bed where she'd died...


...... while all of us kids were grieving for our mother, he was having a wonderful time with his new woman :mad:
 
Gaer said:
Hope this isn't an upsetting thread.
When my husband died, it was about 4 years before I stopped grieving and got back to me.

I had a friend who's husband died on the 5th of the month and she said she stopped all mourning and got her life back together on the 30th of the same month!

I was friends with a dentist and his wife. My dental appt was Monday afternoon. I went in and said "How's Marie?" The dentist said, "She died a week ago, suddenly!" "We had her funeral Thursday. But i got married again."
"What?"
"I got remarried Saturday afternoon to another lady I knew."
(!!!!?????!!!!!????)

I know grief and mourning is all personal. My employment at the time gave me three days. But I never made it back without breaking into tears, so I had to quit.
What is the usual time for this? I don't think it depends on the amount of love felt, a person's emotional maturity or even personal philosophy. Maybe it's all of those things, or none of those things. If you lost a spouse, how long before you were able to live again?
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I think it has more to do with devotion than anything. Probably the dentist was involved with his new wife while married to the former one; clearly a lack of devotion.
 
Aunt Marg said:
I don't accept death well, never have, but in the event my husband goes before me, I will definitely grieve until my own death, and there will be no moving forward with another man.

Marriage for me happens once in a lifetime. It's a one time deal with no repeats.

I still grieve the loss of a lifelong friend. This year will mark 40 years since her passing.

As for people like your dentist, I have no words for people like that. Sickening to say the least.
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I feel the same way about once in a life time.
 
Depends, I guess. I would think grief may be harder if death was unexpected, or person young. My husband died in April, 2019. I grieved for some time, but did not always show it outwardly..meaning I did not cry a lot.
I am better now, but there are times it will hit again, especially if something significant happens, and I wish I could talk with him about it. It did come back yesterday, when a cousin called me to let me know one of his two remaining elderly aunts passed away, after not bouncing back after Covid. She was rather fragile before her illness.
May seem odd to some, but I had a "talk" with him and asked him to look out for Aunt Patty.

Emotionally I am a lot better, but the hard grief lasted several months for me.
 
No, Gaer, this is not an unsetting topic! My wife died last September. As a widower I have been watched a series of You Tube shows called "Widower Wednesday" by Abel Keogh. This man has also written several books on the topic. I would strongly suggest all widowers & widows to see some of his presentations. He is very good. Now, according to Mr. Abel Keogh, there is no right time for anyone to stop grieving. It is a very personal thing. However, he does say that the average time until people are thinking that they might date again is about 5 years for women but most men marry within 1 year. I don't know why the 4 year difference. As for me, I did most of my crying when she was still alive but slowly dying. She told me that I would have to "rediscover" myself when she dies. I haven't the foggiest just how I'm suppose to rediscover myself at 74. By the way, Abel says that don't listen to anyone's advice when they tell you when you should start dating again. You & only you can decide that. Good luck.
 
It seems to me that it would be nigh impossible to gauge anybody else's length of time to grieve. We don't know their story. If somebody APPEARS to grieve for only a month, maybe there was a long, arduous illness preceding the death and by the time death comes, the caretaker spouse is relieved. Also, relationships vary widely on many levels, and one couple's attitude toward death may be very different from that of another couple.

We each will grieve as we would when the time comes. Let others do likewise.

Tony
 
I did my heaviest grieving while my husband was in the hospital those last two weeks of his life on life support and I knew he wouldn't make it. There were surprising, frustrating circumstances that contributed to more stress and grief during and after his death. Those elements caused a myriad of feelings that almost superseded the grief. Islam has it's guidelines to the grieving process. A wife is supposed to grieve her husband for 4 months and 10 days. I don't know why that time period and I did not adhere to those guidelines. Grief, after all is an emotion. Perhaps these guidelines can be followed outwardly, but inside...well, it would probably be a different story in many cases.
 
OneEyedDiva said:
Islam has it's guidelines to the grieving process. A wife is supposed to grieve her husband for 4 months and 10 days.
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This is beyond bizarre. I hope you aren’t offended. You, yourself even stated that you don’t understand why. It’s one thing I’ve never quite understood about religion ; having depression is frowned upon and considered a mortal sin.

In my world, being depressed is all part of being human and to deny any part of us is self rejection. I say embrace it all.

I’m sorry to all those who have lost their life partner. 😕
 
My mouth would have been hanging open for the whole appointment if Gaer’s dentist had been mine. Even if there had been a hot romance with the new woman, he could have pretended to show a little bit of respect to the first wife.

The correct time to mourn is all individual.

Would your spouse want you to be miserable if he/she went first? Would you ask the same of them?
 
I don't think anyone knows how they would feel until it happens to them.

Like you @Gaer, it took me a very long time to feel comfortable in everyday life again after losing my husband ... 2-3 years I would say. Felt like I was living under a cloud, and just couldn't be myself .. I tried to pretend that I was okay, but I knew better.
..... I would tense up and want to cry if someone said something that bothered me. I couldn't shake it, and I needed a lot more time to learn to live in the present, and accept being a widow. (We had been together since high school, and married 49 years when he died.)

It's now been about 8 years, and I've adjusted to my new normal. Don't like it, but I'm doing fine, and myself again.
 
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This is such a personal experience for everyone and IMO whatever one needs is 'acceptable'. My hubby died 9/11/19. He was 79. Even as I typed that I felt a stab of sadness. The day before he died he casually said to me.."I am ready to pull the plug".....but the way he said it I didn't take him seriously. The next morning he died at 6 AM.
He (Ray) had been in a SNF for 9 months and had no use of his left side...I so very much miss being able to talk with him but I can't wish he did not die because he was often in pain and destined to remain for the rest of his life in the facility. He was ready to go and I feel it would be most selfish of me to want him to stay because I wanted him to stay.

I am also a firm believer in life after life and believe we will meet again.
I just can't/won't fault or judge anyone from how they grieve no matter what their choices.
 
hollydolly said:
my mother died in September one year...12 months later in the same month my father married again.. he grieved for one month then found a woman on a dating site and romanced her even bringing her to our house and sleeping in my mothers' bed where she'd died...


...... while all of us kids were grieving for our mother, he was having a wonderful time with his new woman :mad:
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Each to their own I guess, Holly. My mother died aged 33, my Dad was 36. He dedicated his life to raising their four children. In the early days he fought the authorities who were trying to get the children put up for adoption. Dad was having none of it. He died 56 years after his beloved wife, he never dated or socialised other than with his children. To this day my siblings and I miss our mother, but we hope that somewhere our parents are reunited. Like my Dad, I know that if I outlive my beloved I shall grieve her to the grave, as she would me.
 
horseless carriage said:
Each to their own I guess, Holly. My mother died aged 33, my Dad was 36. He dedicated his life to raising their four children. In the early days he fought the authorities who were trying to get the children put up for adoption. Dad was having none of it. He died 56 years after his beloved wife, he never dated or socialised other than with his children. To this day my siblings and I miss our mother, but we hope that somewhere our parents are reunited. Like my Dad, I know that if I outlive my beloved I shall grieve her to the grave, as she would me.
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you were very lucky to have such wonderful parents, and I'm sorry like me you lost your mother while she was in her 30's...
 
Bonnie said:
I don't think anyone knows how they would feel until it happens to them.

Like you @Gaer, it took me a very long time to feel comfortable in everyday life again after losing my husband ... 2-3 years I would say. Felt like I was living under a cloud, and just couldn't be myself .. I tried to pretend that I was okay, but I knew better.
..... I would tense up and want to cry if someone said something that bothered me. I couldn't shake it, and I needed a lot more time to learn to live in the present, and accept being a widow. (We had been together since high school, and married 49 years when he died.)

It's now been about 8 years, and I've adjusted to my new normal. Don't like it, but I'm doing fine, and myself again.
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Bonnie, I know exactly how you felt! I was the same way!
I went in to buy new tires. It was winter and my tires were bald. They asked,"What size?" I laughed and said, "Oh I don't know. My husband always . . . . . . . . "
That's it! Lost it! Gasping and crying hysterically!
People were saying, ""What's the matter with you?"
I had a lot of incidents like that. and I have the most wonderful understanding of death. It's just a natural movement of the soul.
But, You never know how you will handle something like that until it happens!
I sure hope you're doing O.K. now though!
 
So hard to say. I've been divorced 3 times, some have said that divorce has a similar impact emotionally on a person as the loss of a loved one. I never disliked or hated my ex-wifes, I'd have to say we just weren't on the same page.
My current wife is very sweet, we are close emotionally. I would have to have a couple years to myself, if I lost her.
 

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