How to tactfully word a message to relatives about Thanksgiving

debodun

debodun

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Location
way upstate in New York, USA
The last two years, my aunt and uncle have invited me to their home for Thanksgiving (it a long story about why, which I'm sure would not interest anyone). However, during this year, both have suffered many serious health problems. I wanted to send them an email saying, in essence, that if they weren't up to it, I didn't want them to feel obligated to invite me - they already have enough to deal with with between their medical problems and my cousins and their families.

I am not even sure I should send an email to this effect - if I wait for an invitation, then say what's on my mind, it may be too late for them if they have acquired extra food in expecting me. If I say nothing and don't get invited, it's too late for me to get my holiday food prepared.

Also, if I do send an email, how can I tactfully word it that I do not want them to feel committed for an invitation?

What would you suggest I do?
 

debodun said:
The last two years, my aunt and uncle have invited me to their home for Thanksgiving (it a long story about why, which I'm sure would not interest anyone). However, during this year, both have suffered many serious health problems. I wanted to send them an email saying, in essence, that if they weren't up to it, I didn't want them to feel obligated to invite me - they already have enough to deal with with between their medical problems and my cousins and their families.

I am not even sure I should send an email to this effect - if I wait for an invitation, then say what's on my mind, it may be too late for them if they have acquired extra food in expecting me. If I say nothing and don't get invited, it's too late for me to get my holiday food prepared.

Also, if I do send an email, how can I tactfully word it that I do not want them to feel committed for an invitation?

What would you suggest I do?
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Hello Aunt Flo and Uncle Joe,

Just want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving in case I don't see you this year.


I'm going to be spending Thanksgiving with (fill in the blank).


Hope everyone is doing well and hope to see you all soon!


Love,


Debodun


If you're just staying home alone you can explain why....something to the effect that you've had a busy and tiring year and you lost your cat (I think I read that) and your just not up to a big Thanksgiving this year.
 
How about inviting them to your house? If they're not too far away they might find it a huge relief to not have to cook.
 

I wouldn't email this type of message. I'd call. But that's just me, based on my dealings with my family's older generation, so YMMV.

I'd issue an invitation: "come to my house and I'll cook T-day for you two, as it's only fair when you've hosted me for so long" - OR, offer to bring most of the dinner over to their house, if driving is too far/too hard (weather, for example). I'd ask them to make a green salad and buy a pumpkin pie, then I'd provide everything else.

It's very nice of you to be thinking of how to make the holiday easier for them. Good for you!
 
Lethe200 said:
I wouldn't email this type of message. I'd call. But that's just me, based on my dealings with my family's older generation, so YMMV.

I'd issue an invitation: "come to my house and I'll cook T-day for you two, as it's only fair when you've hosted me for so long" - OR, offer to bring most of the dinner over to their house, if driving is too far/too hard (weather, for example). I'd ask them to make a green salad and buy a pumpkin pie, then I'd provide everything else.

It's very nice of you to be thinking of how to make the holiday easier for them. Good for you!
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That's a good idea, Lethe! Then they don't even have to travel.

Deb, I agree that you're thoughtful to be thinking how to make it easier for them.
 
I would not say anything, it sort of sounds like dry begging to me.

You mentioned the cousins and their families, this could be the year that one of them decides to host their parents for Thanksgiving dinner.

In the meantime if you get another offer take it or at least come up with a plan of what you will do if you spend Thanksgiving alone.

Good luck!
 
Why don't you call and offer to take them out to a nice restaurant for dinner? If they say they plan on having it at their house and invite you, offer to bring a lot of the food.
 
It sounds like they are having other people besides you for dinner so if you extend the invitation to just them they my not accept because of the others that would normally go the their home for dinner. Maybe you don't want to have them all come to you. If you do, mention dinner at your home as an option.I would call though,more personal that way. You then can say how much you appreciated their invitations the last two years but you don't expect an invitation for dinner this year and you would totally understand considering the problems they have had. If they want you to come then you can offer to bring something.
 
Thanks for all the suggestions, but I can't cook elaborate meals for myself (that's how I got in trouble the year before they started inviting me) so it would be impossible to cook for 8 other people, not to mention my house is not suitable for company for many reasons.

Try to get a restaurant reservation for 9 people on T-day, if I could even find one open here in the boonies. My relatives are very traditional and going out to eat may not seem "proper" to them. Too many complications. It's either I'm invited to their home or not. I am not without contingencies in place - I can always go to a public dinner, or get an already cooked chicken and warm it up for myself.

All I really need is a tactful way to broach the subject.
 
Well if they're doing a Thanksgiving dinner anyway, one more person won't be that much extra work in reality. They don't have to buy another turkey just for you.

You can offer to go early and set up and also help clean up...that's the hard part anyway, physically. They're cooking wether you go or not so you won't be saving them that.
 
I agree, you should call if you want and talk to them over the phone beforehand. But I agree with CeeCee, one more person isn't going to make that much difference to them, some extra slices of turkey, extra slice of pie, extra scoop of potatoes, etc....not a big deal.

Honestly, I think it's awkward to even mention that before the invitation, in the past you didn't know or not if you would be invited anyway, so it shouldn't be an issue now, especially if you plan to just go out on your own or have something at home.

What I really would do is give them a call and just chat, see how they're doing and see where the conversation leads. That will give you an idea of their plans, whether you're invited or not, and give you an opportunity to accept or reject the offer.

The only true reason I can think of your not accepting the invitation is if you really don't want to go there.
 
Deb, first things first! Check the supermarkets in your area and find which ones prepare the entire Thanksgiving feast at a set price...$x for 4 people, $x for 6, $x to 8, etc. When the invitation is issued, speak up and offer to provide dinner, call the grocery store and order. Done. Ask the cousins/other guests to provide sides that are traditional in your family and wouldn't likely be included with the dinner that the store offers.
 
nvtribefan said:
Make your own plans. If you are invited, politely decline. I would not contact someone telling them not to invite me to their home.
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I agree. If I did not want to go this year, I would just say I have other plans to which I have committed. No need to explain what those other plans are. Planning to stay home and binge on Netflix or do whatever else is "other plans." I wouldn't say I didn't think they were up to it -- that might hurt their feelings. Then just plan to go see them sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas to have a visit and wish them the best for the season, or something similar.

If you DO feel compelled to contact them ahead of time, I would call and not e-mail. True feelings don't always come out in e-mails and there is more chance for misunderstanding, IMHO.

Also, maybe it's just me, but I think I would feel it a bit presumptuous if someone contacted me to decline an invitation before I had offered it.
 

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