I’m having a tough time.

M

ME/TOO

New Member
My husband passed months ago.
I only have one daughter and her family who I’m now living with. Whatever I say is always challenged! I’m told I don’t want to hear Anything Negative! I can’t comment on the weather, news
about any food or products recalled -
Nothing! This might sound petty but somehow she’s let me know now I’m a terrible parent! And her father meant the world to her.
Im the one who did everything for her so she never felt neglected! Guess I didn’t do it right! It’s gotten so bad on so many levels I just am sick all the time! If I didn’t believe in the Afterlife, I would be gone. That is really the ONLY REASON I’m still here! But is getting worse! I want to leave but have no family left! I still have my house to sell. And it’s been difficult because I’m an hr away and I don’t drive! I don’t expect a miracle.. but I don’t see any hope! I really have nothing left.. and
 

Murrmurr said:
What are your plans after you sell the house?
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They said they would sell their home and get one that would accommodate me.. I’m not sure anymore , because there’s always something else
to do and are always going to their place e in Fla.. and my SIL tells my daughter that when I’m gone they’ll be stuck with a big house! Btw.. I’ve offered
the money from the sale to them.. but I don’t know if it will really happen..
 
ME/TOO said:
They said they would sell their home and get one that would accommodate me.. I’m not sure anymore , because there’s always something else
to do and are always going to their place e in Fla.. and my SIL tells my daughter that when I’m gone they’ll be stuck with a big house! Btw.. I’ve offered
the money from the sale to them.. but I don’t know if it will really happen..
Click to expand...
@ME/TOO
Please do not give the money from the sale of your house to them .. buy a place for yourself.
 
ME/TOO said:
They said they would sell their home and get one that would accommodate me.. I’m not sure anymore , because there’s always something else
to do and are always going to their place e in Fla.. and my SIL tells my daughter that when I’m gone they’ll be stuck with a big house! Btw.. I’ve offered
the money from the sale to them.. but I don’t know if it will really happen..
Click to expand...
I think giving them all the money from the sale of your house will be a huge mistake
 
It is usually unwise, unless circumstances make necessary, to make major life changes (selling a long time home, becoming a guest when you're used to making decisions) with in the first year of being widowed.

I don''t mean to pry but it is hard to know what say beyond wishing you well without more context.

Is there a reason you couldn't stay in your house till you sold it?
Who's idea was it for you live with your daughter and her family? Yours? Hers? Son-in- laws? And this is the one that may cross a line, don't feel obligated to answer: is the house your only major asset and do you have an income source? Also consider that you are both still dealing with the death of your husband, her father.

As for getting to appts, shopping--even if you can't drive there are options. I live in a town of less than a thousand people but our senior center has a bus that picks people up for meals and activites, i used drive just such bus in Laramie, WY (population around 25,000 then) in late 1990s. Once a week there were shopping runs for clients. Most big cities have such services, and in some places i would think dedicated Senior Apt complexes have their own buses. And i've known seniors who car pool for shopping and medical appts.

Relationships with family, including grown children, can be a difficult as any other kind. I really do wish you the best and hope you can find a solution that works for you. In the meantime there are many sub-forums here so maybe you can distract yourself by engaging on some of them till you get house sold and decide what next.
 
ME/TOO said:
They said they would sell their home and get one that would accommodate me.. I’m not sure anymore , because there’s always something else
to do and are always going to their place e in Fla.. and my SIL tells my daughter that when I’m gone they’ll be stuck with a big house! Btw.. I’ve offered
the money from the sale to them.. but I don’t know if it will really happen..
Click to expand...
I agree with a lot of others here. Don't give them that money. Make a plan. I assume you have time.

If you're relatively able-bodied, like, if you can take a bath or shower and can make your own meals, you might look into various types of senior housing; i.e., senior mobile home communities, senior apartment complexes, senior villages. All your neighbors are seniors and they all help each other...well, most do. The rest keep to themselves, so, no big deal.

If you're disabled, there are senior living centers that can accommodate your needs. And they're apartments, not "old folks homes" or nursing homes. Like, if you're unable to cook, you might get an apartment without a kitchen and have your meals delivered.

Anyway, if you have time, you should look into it. Just see what's out there.
 
Murrmurr said:
I agree with a lot of others here. Don't give them that money. Make a plan. I assume you have time.

If you're relatively able-bodied, like, if you can take a bath or shower and can make your own meals, you might look into various types of senior housing; i.e., senior mobile home communities, senior apartment complexes, senior villages. All your neighbors are seniors and they all help each other...well, most do. The rest keep to themselves, so, no big deal.

If you're disabled, there are senior living centers that can accommodate your needs. And they're apartments, not "old folks homes" or nursing homes. Like, if you're unable to cook, you might get an apartment without a kitchen and have your meals delivered.

Anyway, if you have time, you should look into it. Just see what's out there.
Click to expand...
I’m not disabled but do see doctors for medical…
I’m independent but get tired easily .. But not incapable..as far as Senior living at a facility I’d like that but don’t think I could afford the monthly fee
 
ME/TOO said:
I’m not disabled but do see doctors for medical…
I’m independent but get tired easily .. But not incapable..as far as Senior living at a facility I’d like that but don’t think I could afford the monthly fee
Click to expand...
If you purchase a small home in a senior village, or an apartment in a senior complex, there aren't any monthly fees. There are space fees at senior mobile home parks, and some senior villages charge for regular lawn care if you can't do it yourself.

I'm just saying it's worth checking out. Personally, I'd go for an independent home...what I mean is, a small 1br house in a senior village/community. Those places are always close to medical centers, transportation services, and shopping and stuff.
 
feywon said:
It is usually unwise, unless circumstances make necessary, to make major life changes (selling a long time home, becoming a guest when you're used to making decisions) with in the first year of being widowed.

I don''t mean to pry but it is hard to know what say beyond wishing you well without more context.

Is there a reason you couldn't stay in your house till you sold it?
Who's idea was it for you live with your daughter and her family? Yours? Hers? Son-in- laws? And this is the one that may cross a line, don't feel obligated to answer: is the house your only major asset and do you have an income source? Also consider that you are both still dealing with the death of your husband, her father.

As for getting to appts, shopping--even if you can't drive there are options. I live in a town of less than a thousand people but our senior center has a bus that picks people up for meals and activites, i used drive just such bus in Laramie, WY (population around 25,000 then) in late 1990s. Once a week there were shopping runs for clients. Most big cities have such services, and in some places i would think dedicated Senior Apt complexes have their own buses. And i've known seniors who car pool for shopping and medical appts.

Relationships with family, including grown children, can be a difficult as any other kind. I really do wish you the best and hope you can find a solution that works for you. In the meantime there are many sub-forums here so maybe you can distract yourself by engaging on some of them till you get house sold and decide what next.
Click to expand...
Originally I was going to stay in my house and they were going to move in..
However, three Grandkids are still living at home… I saw it as a disruption for them.
My house is in good town for Seniors, but far from family!
The house is too big for me and my daughter really didn’t want to move far from where they are now! My son in law is upset that I decided to sell and why so fast! I did it because I can’t live there anymore without my husband.. it’s too upsetting for me. I wanted to move to a senior complex near me before my husband died .. but was talked out of it .. the way things are now I’d go, but my daughter keeps saying then we’ll never see u because you’ll be too far! I think when my house is sold… I’ll then have that choice for what’s best.
 
Murrmurr said:
If you purchase a small home in a senior village, or an apartment in a senior complex, there aren't any monthly fees. There are space fees at senior mobile home parks, and some senior villages charge for regular lawn care if you can't do it yourself.

I'm just saying it's worth checking out. Personally, I'd go for an independent home...what I mean is, a small 1br house in a senior village/community. Those places are always close to medical centers, transportation services, and shopping and stuff.
Click to expand...
I know that would be perfect! I’ll have to do more research.
 
ME/TOO said:
They said they would sell their home and get one that would accommodate me.. I’m not sure anymore , because there’s always something else
to do and are always going to their place e in Fla.. and my SIL tells my daughter that when I’m gone they’ll be stuck with a big house! Btw.. I’ve offered
the money from the sale to them.. but I don’t know if it will really happen..
Click to expand...
I suppose you are paying them now to cover your share of cost to live with them. But I would not mix the money from your house with theirs.
 
If this was me I'd move back into my house, and learn to drive - which would also give me something to do.
Then if I wanted to sell the house and get a smaller one or move somewhere else, I would go ahead and do it.
Plus I'd definitely not give them my savings. The point for me is that I'd want to stay as independent as possible.

The point is to go ahead and do what you feel is the best for you. They could always visit you then and visa versa.
 
John cycling said:
If this was me I'd move back into my house, and learn to drive - which would also give me something to do.
Then if I wanted to sell the house and get a smaller one or move somewhere else, I would go ahead and do it.
Plus I'd definitely not give them my savings. The point for me is that I'd want to stay as independent as possible.

The point is to go ahead and do what you feel is the best for you. They could always visit you then and visa versa.
Click to expand...
Her husband past recently, though, and the house is a reminder ...of her loneliness and emptiness, I'd say.
 
ME/TOO said:
I know that would be perfect! I’ll have to do more research.
Click to expand...
I wouldn’t mind. If it’s not too expensive.. I was even thinking of that.. it’s hard to decide until the house is sold! But it’s always on the back burner with them and I feel I’m bothering by asking… if I don’t say anything.. they don’t bring it up!
 
ME/TOO said:
I wouldn’t mind. If it’s not too expensive.. I was even thinking of that.. it’s hard to decide until the house is sold! But it’s always on the back burner with them and I feel I’m bothering by asking… if I don’t say anything.. they don’t bring it up!
Click to expand...
Do you have a computer, or access to one? You know, to do your own research?

IMO, it's ok if they don't want to talk about it. Maybe they view your house as part of their inheritance, and they don't want to say that....I mean, it does sound pretty raunchy, right? But do what makes you happy. You've got many years left. You don't want them to be miserable, or even tense.
 
ME/TOO said:
I only have one daughter and her family who I’m now living with. Whatever I say is always challenged! I’m told I don’t want to hear Anything Negative! I can’t comment on the weather, news
about any food or products recalled -
Nothing!
Click to expand...
It's hard, since you're living with them. They're calling the shots.

I would move, but if that's not an option, then I'd do this: Tell her as little as possible about yourself , never say anything negative or show much emotion - only say positive things about her and the family, whether you mean them or not. Keep everything very superficial, since it seems to me that's the kind of person she is - rather like the "all is fine" character that Mary Tyler Moore played in the movie "Ordinary People," who wanted a perfect life and did not want to hear of any problems.
 
Do your research and don't say anything to them about it until you have an idea of what you need to do. It is hard to live with others and especially a whole family even if it is your children. There are senior apartments where you can live independently. They are not assisted living or nursing homes. Make your decision on what you want to do. Not what others want. I would not offer them the money from the house because you might need it. Otherwise that locks you into having to live or depend on them.
 
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