I’m perplexed

[debbie in seattle]

So, my husband’s doc stopped his chemo because it didn’t work. She said she’d like to see him once a month. So, what do we do now? Just sit around waiting for him to pass? What is the process of stopping the chemo, how much time does he have left, will his pain become unbearable? Hubby said yesterday he’d like to have some blood work to see if his numbers are getting better or staying the same, doesn’t matter, just curious. Feeling like a kid who gets told you’re 18, out on the streets you go.

 

[CeeCee]

If he's terminal, I would contact hospice. I had them for my husband in 2004 and they're great. They'll manage his pain and meds and even come and clean your house if you want.

My husband was bedridden so they also helped bathe him etc.

When he went on hospice he was given 6 months to live...he lived 6 weeks.

They're very helpful and do everything possible to make your husband comfortable.

 

[Ruth n Jersey]

Debbie, the same thing happened to my mom. She had colon cancer that spread to her liver then to her brain. She was glad not to be running back and forth for treatments that didn't help. All cancers work differently but she began to spend a bit more time each day in bed. I finally called Hospice which helped tremendously. They made sure she was comfortable and free from pain. I preferred to take care of her myself but had it gotten to much for me I could have had help during the night so I could get some sleep or someone to come and sit with her so I could get some shopping done,even housework. I didn't use these services but was content knowing they were available. Once she started on morphine she slept more and more,had no pain and she died peacefully at home the way she wanted. I'm so sorry you both are going through this. I know it isn't easy. My thoughts are with you.

 

[Smiling Jane]

You might call your husband's doctor and see if she can refer you to someone who can help the two of you with what you need to do from here on. Seattle is a large enough city to have all kinds of resources available. I can see what he's saying; in his shoes I would want to know if I was getting worse or staying the same.

You don't need to do this alone. Get all the help you can and use them to the max.

Cee-Cee is right. Hospice can be very helpful. They can step in when you don't think you can go on any further.

I'm so sorry.

 

[debbie in seattle]

Thanks guys. I’m watching him sit in a chair and sleep more and more, he won’t take pain meds, even though he has them, ‘doesn’t want to become addicted’. Yea, I know, it doesn’t matter he’s dying anyway I’m a huge advocate for Hospice, that has never mentioned it to us, personally, I’m using the suggestion of Hospice from the doc as a timeline, knowing those services cannot be started until it’s determined there is only 6 months of life left even though it can be renewed. Where the heck is the guidebook, “The Guide to Watching Your Husband Die.”

 

[Getyoung]

I also have some personal experience with hospice as well, and like everybody else I think they are fabulous. My brother had several types of cancer, one of them being bone cancer which is horrendously painful. He did not want to take pain meds, when he did take a few at the start, he felt that he was zoned out so much that he had trouble thinking, talking, etc. So he went for a long time with out pain meds for that reason. It wasn't until the very end that he accepted the meds.

 

[debbie in seattle]

Thanks. I wish my husband would at least try them. His pain is my pain and it’s terrible. I don’t think he realizes how hard this is on me, seeing him in such misery and being so resistant to help. Oh well.

 

[SeaBreeze]

Thanks. I wish my husband would at least try them. His pain is my pain and it’s terrible. I don’t think he realizes how hard this is on me, seeing him in such misery and being so resistant to help. Oh well.

I can't imagine what you're going through Debbie, I wish your husband would at least take the pain medications for his own sake. My sister's husband was dying at home from cancer, they had a special hospital bed in her house with the morphine IVs and everything else needed. So, it was kind of like a hospice, but at home with just a visiting nurse coming in when needed to make sure everything was the way it should be. He passed peacefully at home, with some relief from his pain. I wish you could convince him to take the meds....hugs, been thinking of you every day and shared with my husband what you two have been going through. He too wishes you both the best possible.

 

[Don M.]

Thanks. I wish my husband would at least try them. His pain is my pain and it’s terrible. I don’t think he realizes how hard this is on me, seeing him in such misery and being so resistant to help. Oh well.

I sounds like you are witnessing what I saw with my neighbor who passed last month after a long bout with cancer. He stopped Chemo around last Sept., when it appeared that it wasn't going to work. Then, he lived on pain pills until he finally could no longer stay in his house. Shortly after Christmas, I helped him move to a care center in town...where he passed a couple of weeks later. Based upon what you are saying, get all your affairs in order, as time is short.

 

[AZ Jim]

Debbie, Tell your hubby how much this is hurting you. Maybe he'll relent for your sake. Our daughter had breast/lung cancer and was terminal, she did take pain meds thankfully. Se was back at home with us until the last month and while with us her mom administered her heroin via suppositories in the hospital it was IV drip..

 

[Mrs. Robinson]

Oh Debbie,my heart is just breaking for you and your husband. I can`t imagine how difficult this is. When my niece passed from cancer two years ago,there was endless support for her and her family-from her doctors as well as Hospice. I happened to be there visiting the first time the Hospice worker came and she was just wonderful She did not like that my niece was off in a downstairs bedroom,where she couldn`t be a part of her active family of 5 college age kids. She got her a hospital bed delivered that very day and set up in the family room where she could be a part of all the action. And I so remember the lady telling her "We will only be here for as long as you need us. Just because we are here does NOT mean you don`t have long to live-there are no time limits." She did ultimately go into a Hospice center,kind of like a hospital but kind of not. It too was a wonderful place. But it did have a limit of time you could stay and she lived longer than that. So she returned home with Hospice caring for her there again,where she passed. I am just so surprised and saddened that your husband`s doctor has not put him in touch with Hospice.

 

[Butterfly]

I took care of my mother at home when she was dying of cancer. It was awful, but at the same time I am glad I was able to help her reach her goal of dying at home in her own bed.

She opted to stop chemotherapy, but thankfully, she DID accept pain medication. It allowed her to spend the last days of her life almost peacefully. Were I you, I would make an appointment to go see the doctor and discuss this with him. If your husband is refusing to take what he is offered because it makes him too fuzzy, perhaps there is some other drug that will at least take the worst of it away without causing him to be so fuzzy. Perhaps a hospice nurse could talk to him about this.

I can only imagine how terrible this is for you to go through -- there were times during my mother's illness that I thought I simply could not bear it -- you have my sympathy and my prayers.