I am always wrong its what I do

Sassycakes

Well-known member
Location
Phila.Pa
My son is annoyed with me because I still have a good relationship with his ex wife. He said she just uses me and my husband and we should stop bothering with her. I have told him over and over again that if we weren't friendly with her we would never get to see our Grandson's. He said the boys are grown up now and they would still keep in contact with me and my husband.
They have been divorced over 15yrs now. My Son was the one that asked for the divorce. I always had a close relationship with her ,because her Mother was never close to her. She always told me I was a better Mother to her than her own mother. I can't and I will not stop talking to her. He said the woman he is involved with now doesn't think I should still be friends with her and by doing so she feels like I am choosing my exDIL over her. That's true. I treat her wonderfully and I have never neglected her or her son's. I am even friendly with her Mom and her brothers and sisters. Not all marriages work and my son and his wife had to divorce,but I don't think I need to stop talking to her. What do you think
 

Aunt Bea

Well-known member
Location
Near Mount Pilot
IMO your son and his current SO should not put you in the position of making a choice, it's really none of their business.

I would maintain the relationship with her but refrain from being a conduit for any information about your son and his current relationship or vice versa.
 

You're caught in the vise for sure. I know exactly how you feel because I'm still close to my former son-in-law (father of my granddaughter) and even his current wife. It annoys my daughter no end. I told her, "Look, I didn't divorce him. You did." He would do anything for me. I feel like he's the son I never had.
 

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Sassycakes

Well-known member
Location
Phila.Pa
Original Poster
Thank all of you for your replies. I still love my exDIL even though I know she isn't perfect. I don't know why my son doesn't understand I could never hurt my grandson's by putting their Mom out of my life. I have never said anything bad about her to my grandsons. Honestly I praise her for how she raised the boys. They both are in College on free scholarships for their work. I believe she did a wonderful job raising them. She did do stupid things but nothing that affected my Grandsons.
 

C'est Moi

Dishin' it out.
Location
Houston Y'all
Sassy--I had a similar situation with my son's ex. When he remarried his new wife didn't like that I have pictures of the ex in my "family gallery" and for a while she still came to family get-togethers. I told him that they could both grow up and get over it. His first wife was a part of our lives for years (they went to school together) and she's the mother of my grandson. As others have said, he divorced her... I didn't. (I like the new wife just as much, and if they split up I won't dump her either. :D)
 

Geezerette

Active member
I agree with a lot of what was said above. I see nothing wrong with your keeping in touch with your son' s X wife. It sounds to me like his present GF is insecure and envious! Can't take even a whif of (nonexistent) competition. Probably just need to keep the two relationships in separate compartments: yours with X daughter in law, & yours with your son & that current girlfriend. Good luck!
 

911

Well-known member
Location
USA
Your son divorced her, you didn’t. My only suggestion would be to just keep the relationship with having conversations and not share or give gifts. Your son may take that as a betrayal.

I have heard and seen divorced parents withhold the grandkids from the grandparents, if their relationship is not up to par. Your son should understand that you are being nice to her, rather than risk not being able to see the grandkids.
 

Sassycakes

Well-known member
Location
Phila.Pa
Original Poster
Your son divorced her, you didn’t. My only suggestion would be to just keep the relationship with having conversations and not share or give gifts. Your son may take that as a betrayal.

I have heard and seen divorced parents withhold the grandkids from the grandparents, if their relationship is not up to par. Your son should understand that you are being nice to her, rather than risk not being able to see the grandkids.
Very good advice 911. My biggest fear is risking my relationship with my grandson's. And I honestly love my exDIL. I know my son's new girlfriend is jealous of her and the fact that her husband doesn't bother with her children makes her jealous. I can't understand why because I never neglect her children. I haven't missed a birthday,Christmas or any Holiday without inviting her children. I have even bought her things that she said she needed or wanted. I feel bad that my son doesn't understand why my Husband and I do what we do.It makes me sad.
 

SeaBreeze

Endlessly Groovin'
Location
USA
IMO your son and his current SO should not put you in the position of making a choice, it's really none of their business.

I would maintain the relationship with her but refrain from being a conduit for any information about your son and his current relationship or vice versa.
I agree with you completely too AuntBea. Sassy, don't blame yourself for anything, you've done nothing wrong and shouldn't change a thing.

Your son's new girlfriend does seem to be putting her nose where it doesn't belong, is acting jealous and likely hounding your son to make you end the relationship. Your son probably understands exactly how you and your husband are and why you do the things you do. But when he has annoying negative chatter pecking at his ear all the time, he'll try anything to shut that down and keep the peace.

He'd better take a good look at this new girl he's with, if she can be like this it might continue throughout their whole relationship, not very happy for him IMO. She seems to be trying to dominate and control not only him, but his family as well.
 

Sassycakes

Well-known member
Location
Phila.Pa
Original Poster
I agree with you completely too AuntBea. Sassy, don't blame yourself for anything, you've done nothing wrong and shouldn't change a thing.

Your son's new girlfriend does seem to be putting her nose where it doesn't belong, is acting jealous and likely hounding your son to make you end the relationship. Your son probably understands exactly how you and your husband are and why you do the things you do. But when he has annoying negative chatter pecking at his ear all the time, he'll try anything to shut that down and keep the peace.

He'd better take a good look at this new girl he's with, if she can be like this it might continue throughout their whole relationship, not very happy for him IMO. She seems to be trying to dominate and control not only him, but his family as well.
That's what worries me. She seems to want him to pull away from not only me and my Husband and my daughter also. She got nasty with my daughter the other day during a phone conversation. My daughter called her to ask how she was feeling because she had been sick. Instead of being pleasant with my daughter she sounded like she was annoyed. She blurted out "Why ,are you afraid I'll give your brother my cold " I told my daughter just forget about her. She sounds like a nut.
 

SeaBreeze

Endlessly Groovin'
Location
USA
She sounds like she has 'issues' Sassy, unfortunately they appear to be affecting everyone around her in a negative way. Not a good future for your son, in my opinion. But that's something he needs to acknowledge and work through for himself.
 

Sassycakes

Well-known member
Location
Phila.Pa
Original Poster
She sounds like she has 'issues' Sassy, unfortunately they appear to be affecting everyone around her in a negative way. Not a good future for your son, in my opinion. But that's something he needs to acknowledge and work through for himself.

I'm sure she has issues and they are causing her to act the way she does. It's funny my Parents were wonderful, and my sister and brother and I had long marriages. Sadly my Parents grandchildren they had( 5 boys and 5 girls) ,and all of the boys got divorced and none of the girls did.
I guess the boys thought all marriage would be good, but boy were they wrong.
 

Linda

Well-known member
You are doing the correct thing Sassycakes. I am still close to my X-daughter-in-laws. Especially one of them. And we give each other little gifts from time to time and I'm sure we always will. We both love books and over New Years she thanked me for giving her an old (1939 I think) edition of Gone With The Wind. I didn't even remember having my grandson give it to her. She comes and spends every New Years Eve with us as we have an outdoor, firepit, get together. Our son who was married to her and his current wife come at the same time but we all get along OK. I guess I'm real lucky everyone tolerates everyone else.

Don't let anyone else dictate to you who you can be friends with.
 

Ronni

The mouthy one ;)
Location
Nashville TN
Man I hate that kinda thing! I've formed very close relationships with various of my children's significant others, and they are stand-alone friendships regardless of what happens to their relationships. I'm still friends with a variety of people my kids have had relationships with.

I maintained a solid, friendly relationship with my ex DIL until her untimely death last year. As the gatekeeper to my grandchildren, my relationship with her was paramount. Early on in their separation my son at times was less than pleased, because he felt like I was taking his ex's side by the action of remaining friends with her. I reminded him I don't take sides in familial issues, it's not my thing. I'm neutral, I'm Switzerland, and it's always been so and will always be so. But that I was going to work to continue a close relationship with his ex for the sake of the grandchildren, that NOTHING was going to get in the way of that.

He came to see that it was a good choice on my part. My other kids have never felt threatened by my continuing friendships with their exes, and thankfully I've never had to put up with shenanigans with any of their current significant others as a result.

Your son's GF sounds like bad news honestly. I hope that's not a lasting relationship. :(
 

911

Well-known member
Location
USA

I'm sure she has issues and they are causing her to act the way she does. It's funny my Parents were wonderful, and my sister and brother and I had long marriages. Sadly my Parents grandchildren they had( 5 boys and 5 girls) ,and all of the boys got divorced and none of the girls did.
I guess the boys thought all marriage would be good, but boy were they wrong.

WOW! Can you say "Co-Dependency?"
 

Lethe200

Active member
Don't let your son and his new wife stress you out by demanding to censor your social circle. It's none of their business whom you socialize with.

I'm better friends with my ex-BIL than I am with my sister. It irritates her, but tough luck. It is what it is.
 

Sassycakes

Well-known member
Location
Phila.Pa
Original Poster
Don't let your son and his new wife stress you out by demanding to censor your social circle. It's none of their business whom you socialize with.

I'm better friends with my ex-BIL than I am with my sister. It irritates her, but tough luck. It is what it is.

You're right and that's what I told my son yesterday. I told him I love his ex wife and I will never stop caring for her and my grandsons. I also told him if he can't handle his girlfriend(they aren't married) then that's his problem. I never did anything to hurt her so she should butt out of my business.
 

terry123

Well-known member
Location
Houston, Tx.
I am still friends with my daughter's ex and his mother. It does not bother my daughter at all. His mother and I still talk on the phone every now and then. I send him and his mother birthday and Christmas cards and he always sends me a gift card at Christmas. It works for us. He comes by at Christmas and Thanksgiving to visit. After my stroke 20 years ago he welcomed me into their home and I stayed with them for 3 years until I recovered enough to go back to work and live by myself. He never asked me for a dime. After I recovered enough I tried to keep the laundry done and the kitchen clean for them and watch the grands when they needed me to. He moved me into my condo when I was well enough to live by myself. My daughter could not handle his drinking and he did not think he had a problem so they got divorced. He still drinks and he thinks since he holds down his job he does not have a problem. So as long as he is good to my grands and my daughter I will continue to be friendly with him and his mother.
 

Sassycakes

Well-known member
Location
Phila.Pa
Original Poster
I am still friends with my daughter's ex and his mother. It does not bother my daughter at all. His mother and I still talk on the phone every now and then. I send him and his mother birthday and Christmas cards and he always sends me a gift card at Christmas. It works for us. He comes by at Christmas and Thanksgiving to visit. After my stroke 20 years ago he welcomed me into their home and I stayed with them for 3 years until I recovered enough to go back to work and live by myself. He never asked me for a dime. After I recovered enough I tried to keep the laundry done and the kitchen clean for them and watch the grands when they needed me to. He moved me into my condo when I was well enough to live by myself. My daughter could not handle his drinking and he did not think he had a problem so they got divorced. He still drinks and he thinks since he holds down his job he does not have a problem. So as long as he is good to my grands and my daughter I will continue to be friendly with him and his mother.
I think you are doing the right thing. I am also friendly with my ex DIL's Mom and Grandmom.They never say anything bad about my son or the divorce. They both say that we are all still family. They wish there had never been a divorce.
 

Sassycakes

Well-known member
Location
Phila.Pa
Original Poster
Things are still the same with my son's girlfriend and me. She hasn't spoken to me for over a month. Stupid me called her yesterday just to ask how she was doing. She didn't say much and then we hung up. I doubt she will ever change. My exDIL's boyfriend called me today and he said he was giving my exDIL a surprise birthday party in May. He asked if I would mind if he gave people my phone number to respond about the party. He said he would have asked her Mother but her Mother can't be bothered. I said it was fine with me. Now I just have to wait and see how my son's going to handle it. Honestly I am doing what I want and if I get in trouble for it,so be it.
 

gumbud

New member
Location
australia
jealous immature curent DIL manipulating your son! stand ya ground girl!
 


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