I dont want to be criticised at all, (have you ever said this, and was it a fair position?)

grahamg

grahamg

Old codger
Location
South of Manchester, UK
I do think there are times when any one of us might fairly say "We dont want to be criticised"!

An example of this might be when you feel someone/anyone is just looking for things to criticise about you, without thinking of the context of whatever it is you said or did they wish to criticise, (in other words they're just "finding fault"!).

My then ten year old daughter tried to criticise me, over whatever it might have been one day, and I did stop her by saying I didn't want to be criticised at all, and she did stop, so we went on to have a happy day without any bickering or arguments, (she didn't often bicker btw, but was known to argue at times. ...., maybe a family trait hey!).

There you are, and thread about criticisms, fair and otherwise, and when we might say enough is enough?

(in the case of my daughter I knew I was there on the visit to do her good, and to encourage her to feel good about herself whenever I could, and do my best as a dad, all of which made me feel entitled to avoid some criticisms, especially those maybe directed or orchestrated by the ex. or "new daddy"!).
 

No, I have an automatic off button to any such attempts, unless they are perfect. No such human...

Try being a teacher to 4th to 7th graders, that is when it starts.
Teaching Electronics, they were always posturing.
 

My father used to say to me, "You don't take criticism well," and I would wonder who actually liked it. It didn't get easier as I got older. I think only a few people have the right to criticize me, my parents, teachers and bosses.
 
Della said:
My father used to say to me, "You don't take criticism well," and I would wonder who actually liked it. It didn't get easier as I got older. I think only a few people have the right to criticize me, my parents, teachers and bosses.
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Its hard to remember who criticised me in a fashion where I felt it was of real benefit, or as you say "positive criticism".
My then wife surely criticised me, and I'm sure I must have occasionally done the same in return, (hard to recall exactly thirty five years on, though there is little doubt it was all very negative criticisms, whenever she got the chance after she left).
My father, well yes criticisms but not too bad as far as I can recall, (maybe he was more guilty of this concerning my brother who maybe chose to try to dominute him in return).
My mother was quite a negative person you'd have to say, (but ironically, looking back on it, a great supporter of mine!).
 
grahamg said:
I do think there are times when any one of us might fairly say "We dont want to be criticised"!

An example of this might be when you feel someone/anyone is just looking for things to criticise about you, without thinking of the context of whatever it is you said or did they wish to criticise, (in other words they're just "finding fault"!).

My then ten year old daughter tried to criticise me, over whatever it might have been one day, and I did stop her by saying I didn't want to be criticised at all, and she did stop, so we went on to have a happy day without any bickering or arguments, (she didn't often bicker btw, but was known to argue at times. ...., maybe a family trait hey!).

There you are, and thread about criticisms, fair and otherwise, and when we might say enough is enough?

(in the case of my daughter I knew I was there on the visit to do her good, and to encourage her to feel good about herself whenever I could, and do my best as a dad, all of which made me feel entitled to avoid some criticisms, especially those maybe directed or orchestrated by the ex. or "new daddy"!).
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I'm inclined to believe that you both may have put on a happy face, but only one of you went on to have a happy day.

IMO it would be better to discuss and understand a child's feelings than to use parental power to tamp them down and dismiss them.
 
Aunt Bea said:
I'm inclined to believe that you both may have put on a happy face, but only one of you went on to have a happy day.
IMO it would be better to discuss and understand a child's feelings than to use parental power to tamp them down and dismiss them.
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Hey, my daughter is a highly qualified doctor so no need to cast any dispersions so far as my treatment of her goes, (criticise me for saying something as innocent as that would you, and on my innocent little thread too, shucks, some people I dont know, ............, P.S. Dont worry I'm just hamming up the offence! ;))
 
grahamg said:
I do think there are times when any one of us might fairly say "We dont want to be criticised"!

An example of this might be when you feel someone/anyone is just looking for things to criticise about you, without thinking of the context of whatever it is you said or did they wish to criticise, (in other words they're just "finding fault"!).

My then ten year old daughter tried to criticise me, over whatever it might have been one day, and I did stop her by saying I didn't want to be criticised at all, and she did stop, so we went on to have a happy day without any bickering or arguments, (she didn't often bicker btw, but was known to argue at times. ...., maybe a family trait hey!).

There you are, and thread about criticisms, fair and otherwise, and when we might say enough is enough?

(in the case of my daughter I knew I was there on the visit to do her good, and to encourage her to feel good about herself whenever I could, and do my best as a dad, all of which made me feel entitled to avoid some criticisms, especially those maybe directed or orchestrated by the ex. or "new daddy"!).
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I'd empathize with you if you weren't talking about a 10 year old girl. :ROFLMAO:
 
Irwin said:
I'd empathize with you if you weren't talking about a 10 year old girl. :ROFLMAO:
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No need to worry about my daughter at ten years of age, because she was "ten going on twenty" believe me, and communication with her was a constant pleasure whenever I got to see her, (even the times she spent trying to "play me up"!).
On other threads I'm very guilty of veering the conversations in the direction of fathers/parents rights, so must avoid this here, but will note the sensitivity surrounding any mention of a child, even one now well into her fourth decade, and what might or might not be in their interests back when!
 
There are times when you're doing just fine on your own and some a-hole decides to give you unsolicited advice, and you tell him or her, although it's usually a him, that we don't need his advice, and he responds, "I'm just trying to help you," that's when it would be handy to have a taser at your disposal, or perhaps a can of bear repellent, so you could show him what you think about his "help." You can bet that if you actually needed help with something, his response would be, "Why should I have to help you?"

In conclusion, people suck.
 
I am cautious now when talking to others because I often don't want to hear thier criticism. There are many who love to give unwanted advice when you just want to shoot the breeze or vent, too, at times.

So, like I said, I've learned to be cautious about who I tell what. I have become more reserved.
 
Also I think it's a fair position...fair to me at least.

Perhaps when speaking to someone it's ok to mention I'm not looking for advice right now.

And to also tell someone when you do want/need criticism/advice.

I believe it's called setting boundaries... everyone has the right to do this.
 
Irwin said:
There are times when you're doing just fine on your own and some a-hole decides to give you unsolicited advice, and you tell him or her, although it's usually a him, that we don't need his advice, and he responds, "I'm just trying to help you," that's when it would be handy to have a taser at your disposal, or perhaps a can of bear repellent, so you could show him what you think about his "help." You can bet that if you actually needed help with something, his response would be, "Why should I have to help you?"
In conclusion, people suck.
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Very pithy advice and yet a fairly god summing up of the situation so often, and I'd suggest it is at times of crisis you find out who your true friends really are, (and in my case there aren't too many, so I'm grateful for the few, including some extended relatives, and I'll even put up with some "so called friends" who aren't all bad!).
 
Some research on the thread topic:

https://www.inc.com/justin-bariso/h...eople-handle-criticism-they-dont-do-this.html

And this link is maybe even more in line with the topic:
https://www.brilliantlivinghq.com/criticism-and-why-we-dont-like-it/

Quote:

“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle
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"If you don’t want to be criticised – don’t do anything .Although you’ll probably then be criticised for not doing anything, or for doing nothing – if that’s actually possible.

The meaning behind it is clear – the more you do the more people have to criticise you about. the more you open yourself up to judgement.

We’ve all met people who always seem to be worried about what other people think about them. So much so it’s the determining factor in deciding if they do or don’t do something.

But let’s not let such thinking keep us living small lives and stop us getting out there, making an impact or doing what we want. Because the truth is that whatever you do you’re likely to be criticised. Whoever we are, we will experience criticism.

Not least because we all do it. We criticise ourselves and and we criticise others – even if it’s only in the privacy of our own minds. But it’s actually a lot more out there than that if we’re honest."


What is criticism?​

The Oxford Dictionary carries 3 definitions of criticism

  1. The expression of disapproval of someone or something on the basis of perceived faults or mistakes.
  2. The analysis and judgement of the merits and faults of a literary or artistic work.
  3. The scholarly investigation of literary or historical texts to determine their origin or intended form. – For example The Bible – really a subset of the second definition.
We’re talking predominantly about the first definition here.

There’s many ways to describe criticism and they involve the following elements and concepts:

  • Judgement
  • Feedback
  • Evaluation
  • Analysis
  • Opinion
  • Disapproval
  • Critique

  • "It’s practically impossible to grow up and not be subject to criticism of some sort – and there are key sources of it.
    For most of us it begins, and keeps going, in the family. Staring with our parents and our siblings and maybe extended family too like grandparents, uncles and aunties and cousins.

    Then we go to school and it really kicks in big time and carries on into college and university – hopefully in a constructive feedback variety, even if it doesn’t always feel like that.

    This continues into the workplace – only now it’s called 1:1s and performance reviews or even team meetings. It also happens if you work for yourself or are involved in a creative enterprise.

    We’re not immune from criticism from our friends either. In fact the closer or more intense the relationship the more likely we are to experience criticism. Which leads us to another potential source of criticism – our nearest and dearest – our husbands, wives or partners.
    If you have children you will at some point endure their criticism – especially during those teenage years they’re trying to break free, find themselves and put their own stamp on the world, and you get criticised for much of what you do and stand for."

  • Criticism and why we don’t like it​

    We don’t deny it may be good for us, that we can learn from it and become better at something or improve some aspect of ourselves – but we don’t like criticism. Why is that?

    Because we don’t like the way it makes us feel. Isn’t that at the root of it?

    In fact we don’t like the way that being criticised makes us feel so much that we almost fear being criticised.

    We don’t like criticism because when someone criticises us:
    • It taps into the most basic of our fears – that we’re not good enough.
    • We fear rejection.
    • We fear the feeling of being judged and found wanting.
    • It highlights our insecurities because we all want approval.
    • We worry it might jeopardise our feeling of belonging and we all have a basic need to belong. Like our dog who hates to be told off and sent away, we’re like pack animals who don’t want to be left out because it goes against their basic survival instinct . It makes us feel uncomfortable at our very most basic of instinctual reactions, as if our very survival depended on belonging to a bigger community. We’re not actually thinking of all this but it’s one of the reasons we don’t like criticism.
    • We don’t like it when the criticism goes against our values or our sense of who we are or how we want others to see us, or the characteristics we see ourselves possessing or want to be seen as embodying.
    • For example, if we see ourselves as a hard working or very capable person, someone who always does a good job, and we get criticised for a piece of work or for not producing enough work then we feel totally crushed. It’s as if something we see as being a part of us, isn’t a part of us anymore, or isn’t being recognised as a part of us.
    • And if we consider the criticism invalid or unjust it makes it 10 times worse. We think the person is not recognising the work we’ve put in, or that we are the sort of person who delivers good work.
    • It could be the same with any aspect of your character or behaviour. if you see yourself as having integrity or being honest or straightforward to deal with and someone accuses you of going behind their back or criticises you for talking about them or not supporting them, you feel really bad because you don’t want to be seen like that because that’s not the sort of person you want to be or how you see yourself.
    • This is also true when we think of ourselves in relation to people. If we get criticised by the people we’re close to, it doesn’t sit well with how we think of ourselves in relation to them, if we think they’re calling into question the fact we’re a good son or daughter or brother or sister or friend or colleague.
    • We don’t like criticism because it can be hurtful.
    • Sometimes we don’t like how it makes us feel and how we then react to it – like feeling stressed – especially if we see it as unfair criticism or just something that’s difficult to deal with or rectify.
    • It can leave us feeling misunderstood, or downright angry or outraged, generally an unhelpful response.
    • Or it makes us feel guilty. This is when we’re made to feel like we haven’t lived up to expectations – those of others or our own.
    • Talking of horrible feelings if the criticism is stinging, it can dent our pride and leave us feeling humiliated.
  • If you have a high level or strong sense of self-esteem you might still feel these things we’ve talked about today – hurt, humiliated, outraged, rejected, guilty, uncomfortable, and also unappreciated – but it will be short-lived and you’ll bounce back quicker. You’ll have more resilience and your sense of worth isn’t dependent on what others think of you so much. You can’t avoid criticism but you can deal with it better – whether it’s justified or not.
 
Just picking out the list of reasons why we dont like criticism, and numbering them, I thought it might be useful to try to pick out the ones that irks you most, (my choices are 1,6,7,8,9, and12):

Quote:
We don’t like criticism because when someone criticises us:
  • 1). It taps into the most basic of our fears – that we’re not good enough.
  • 2). We fear rejection.
  • 3). We fear the feeling of being judged and found wanting.
  • 4).It highlights our insecurities because we all want approval.
  • 5). We worry it might jeopardise our feeling of belonging and we all have a basic need to belong. Like our dog who hates to be told off and sent away, we’re like pack animals who don’t want to be left out because it goes against their basic survival instinct . It makes us feel uncomfortable at our very most basic of instinctual reactions, as if our very survival depended on belonging to a bigger community. We’re not actually thinking of all this but it’s one of the reasons we don’t like criticism.
  • 6). We don’t like it when the criticism goes against our values or our sense of who we are or how we want others to see us, or the characteristics we see ourselves possessing or want to be seen as embodying.
  • 7). For example, if we see ourselves as a hard working or very capable person, someone who always does a good job, and we get criticised for a piece of work or for not producing enough work then we feel totally crushed. It’s as if something we see as being a part of us, isn’t a part of us anymore, or isn’t being recognised as a part of us.
  • 8). And if we consider the criticism invalid or unjust it makes it 10 times worse. We think the person is not recognising the work we’ve put in, or that we are the sort of person who delivers good work.
  • 9). It could be the same with any aspect of your character or behaviour. if you see yourself as having integrity or being honest or straightforward to deal with and someone accuses you of going behind their back or criticises you for talking about them or not supporting them, you feel really bad because you don’t want to be seen like that because that’s not the sort of person you want to be or how you see yourself.
  • 10). This is also true when we think of ourselves in relation to people. If we get criticised by the people we’re close to, it doesn’t sit well with how we think of ourselves in relation to them, if we think they’re calling into question the fact we’re a good son or daughter or brother or sister or friend or colleague.
  • 11). We don’t like criticism because it can be hurtful.
  • 12). Sometimes we don’t like how it makes us feel and how we then react to it – like feeling stressed – especially if we see it as unfair criticism or just something that’s difficult to deal with or rectify.
  • 13). It can leave us feeling misunderstood, or downright angry or outraged, generally an unhelpful response.
  • 14). Or it makes us feel guilty. This is when we’re made to feel like we haven’t lived up to expectations – those of others or our own.
  • 15). Talking of horrible feelings if the criticism is stinging, it can dent our pride and leave us feeling humiliated.
 
Aunt Bea said:
Criticism only bothers me when it's true.
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But you are sometimes guilty of at least suggesting criticisms apply that may not be true, (and in relation to my own daughter, were untrue, "though I've forgotten about that faut pas"!).

In any event none of the fifteen points above therefore apply to you is your story, "and why should anyone question it who obviously hasn't got a clue", (you may be just that tough! :sneaky:).
 
Gary O' said:

I dont want to be criticised at all, (have you ever said this, and was it a fair position?)​

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No? Why not?
Gary O' said:

No​

Whoever wants to criticize me.......have at it
I'll pretend to listen
BTW, grahammy...yer spelling sucks
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You're not the first to tell me my spelling sucks, as aged ten I wrote a small booklet called "Smugglers Bay, full of illustrations too, and yet managed to fit in 303 spelling mistakes into about ten small A5 pages of text, (so I am getting alot better you must admit! - didn't I take that criticism well everybody!!!!! (y):giggle:🥳 ).
 
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