It Takes 1 Year For Every 5 Years You Were Married To Recover From Divorce - Agree/Disagree?

[JimW]

So true, that's why the saying goes, "Hard times will always reveal your true friends(and family)"when you need them the most they desert you. I would never do that to someone, it's just common sense they will need your support.........and yes, the marriage is usually over by the time the "paperwork" is started, doesn't deteriorate overnight.

I have always said that I could count my true friends on one hand and that includes family, I think that holds true for most everyone. After getting divorced and those two friends not contacting me, I can now count my true friends on 2 fingers. Funny thing is they are both my oldest friends, we've known each other since 3rd grade, still talk regularly and would do anything for each other. I have no family members that I consider true friends, I've been stabbed in the back by family more than strangers. The few family members I had that I did love and trust have passed.

 

[JimW]

Jim, did you try to contact your friends? I only see that you were hurt because they didn't contact you. I know you were the victim and yes they should have reached out to see how you were doing but when they didn't, did their friendship mean enough to you to reach out to them instead?

Then when they did contact you on FB did you initiate a meet up to discuss things over coffee or a beer? Or did you try to call them to discuss the past? You still can. Maybe they were waiting to see if you wanted to talk about it. Maybe they didn't want to bring it up for fear of the divorce hurting you all over again.

Lara, I did not try to contact them. We had a long history together and I was always there for them whenever they needed it. Whenever anything happened in their lives, either good or bad, I was always on the phone to congratulate or comfort them and in times of need I offered anything I could do to help. As far as I'm concerned they showed their true colors of what kind of friends they really were.

They know what kind of guy I am and that talking about the divorce with them would not have bothered me, and even if they thought it might bother me, then just don't bring it up. Yes I could still reach out to them and repair the friendship, but it would never be the same in my eyes, I feel betrayed and that will never change. As I have gotten older I have no use for people I can't count on.

 

[CindyLouWho]

I have always said that I could count my true friends on one hand and that includes family, I think that holds true for most everyone. After getting divorced and those two friends not contacting me, I can now count my true friends on 2 fingers. Funny thing is they are both my oldest friends, we've known each other since 3rd grade, still talk regularly and would do anything for each other. I have no family members that I consider true friends, I've been stabbed in the back by family more than strangers. The few family members I had that I did love and trust have passed.

So similar to my story, Jim W. It's very hurtful and bewildering. I've had no choice but to toughen up and learn to be more independent. It's been a few years for me, I'm young, ready to move on, hopefully meet someone someday...just takes a while to start over again.

 

[JimW]

So similar to my story, Jim W. It's very hurtful and bewildering. I've had no choice but to toughen up and learn to be more independent. It's been a few years for me, I'm young, ready to move on, hopefully meet someone someday...just takes a while to start over again.

I agree it is hurtful and bewildering and I've toughened up in that regard as well. Some people have told me I should open up a bit and be more receptive to meeting new people, but honestly I'm all set. I've done my share of opening up and then being let down almost every time. Maybe I'm too critical in what I think a real friend should be, but that's my criteria and I'm not comfortable with anything else. I don't want acquaintances in my life at this stage, I had plenty of that when I was younger. If I just want to chew the fat with someone who I know doesn't really care, there are plenty of open bar stools at any bar, anytime.

I've been exactly where you are at now Cindy and then I met my current wife. She is the best friend I could ever ask for, we do everything together and have fun doing it. I really couldn't ask for anyone better and I am very thankful she came along.

I wish you luck in your search and in time you will hopefully find that special person who makes you feel important and that you matter every day. Don't settle for anything less.

 

[CindyLouWho]

I agree it is hurtful and bewildering and I've toughened up in that regard as well. Some people have told me I should open up a bit and be more receptive to meeting new people, but honestly I'm all set. I've done my share of opening up and then being let down almost every time. Maybe I'm too critical in what I think a real friend should be, but that's my criteria and I'm not comfortable with anything else. I don't want acquaintances in my life at this stage, I had plenty of that when I was younger. If I just want to chew the fat with someone who I know doesn't really care, there are plenty of open bar stools at any bar, anytime.

I've been exactly where you are at now Cindy and then I met my current wife. She is the best friend I could ever ask for, we do everything together and have fun doing it. I really couldn't ask for anyone better and I am very thankful she came along.

I wish you luck in your search and in time you will hopefully find that special person who makes you feel important and that you matter every day. Don't settle for anything less.

Thanks, JimW....appreciate your kind words.

Glad for you that your story turned out so great!

 

[JimW]

Thanks, JimW....appreciate your kind words.

Glad for you that your story turned out so great!

Thank You Cindy!

 

[caseyjshu]

This kinda hits on what I've been going thru recently.

So, I was married for 20 years. Most of the years were very rocky, even dysfunctional. The good times were pretty good and the bad times were incredibly bad. I accept my share of the problems we had and do not point fingers saying it was all my exes fault. We did have a child together which was one of the main reasons we stayed together so long - at least for me. We actually had separated 2 previous times before the final time that ended in divorce. When we officially separated in May 2015 I found out she had apparently been seeing someone for a few months, actually finding him at my home a few days after I moved out. Even though the marriage was bad, this hurt and was a kick in my gutt. In August 2015 I moved back to my hometown which was 2 hours away, where I had family and friends. This was the therapy I needed.

Even so, I never really got over the marriage and thought about her all the time. She has never admitted to the adulterous affair, and had me even wondering if it were true. Recently online I was contacted by the ex wife of my ex wifes boyfriend. She began to tell me things I never knew. She said she approached her husband in 2013 about his relationship with my wife and he admitted the adulterous affair. They separated in 2013 and divorced in 2014. After that conversation I began to see things differently about those last few years of my marriage, realizing there were signs of the infidelity that I just didn't notice.

Well even though we have been separated for 3 years and officially divorced for almost 2 years, this hurt as much as it did then. Obviously I'm still not over it. I haven't dated since the separation and currently have no one in my life. Maybe that is part of the problem. I'm hoping this can give me some closure on it all, but realize its gonna take time.

Financially I've recovered from the divorce but emotionally I'm still having trouble. I hope it doesn't take much longer. At 57 I'd like to move on to bigger and better things.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[Catlady]

"I haven't dated since the separation and currently have no one in my life"

I think you did the right thing by waiting, you need time to heal and you don't want to get into another relationship before you're ready. I think you're close to healing. You previously wondered if the infidelity was true but now that you have proof of it you're on your way to healing and closure. I'm sure soon you will meet someone and will be ready to start over. Good luck! Oh, and thanks for being honest and admitting that some of the problems were your fault. I never believe someone when they say ALL the fault for the marriage breakdown was the other spouse's. It takes TWO to make or break a marriage.