Jewish Humor Anyone?

JonSR77

JonSR77

Senior Member
these are pretty good.

From the Jewish newspaper "The Forward"

https://forward.com/schmooze/421730/the-10-best-most-classic-jewish-jokes/

one from the link:


8. The grandparent joke

A Jewish grandfather takes his grandchildren to the beach. They’re playing in the sand when suddenly, a massive wave comes and pulls the smallest grandson out into the water. Panicked, the grandfather prays to God. “Oh God, please bring him back! Please let him live!” Suddenly, an even bigger wave bursts out of the ocean, setting the little boy down right at his grandfather’s feet. He scoops him up into a hug. Then he stares up at the sky and says, “He had a hat.”
 
A couple of my favorites:

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find
water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $25.00."
The Taliban shouted, "You Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I love my fellow man anyway. If you continue over that hill to the east for about a mile, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said: "You little bastard! Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

A lawyer & an elderly Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks the Jew if he would like to play a fun game.
"Well," asks the Jew. "How does the game go?"
The lawyer explains, "I ask you a question. If you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00. Then, you ask me a question & if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500.00."
The Jew agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What is the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Jew doesn't say a word, he reaches in his pocket & hands the lawyer $5.00.
Now it's the Jew's turn. He asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs & comes down with four?"
The lawyer turns on his laptop & searches the internet for the answer. He sends e-mails to all his smart friends. None of them could help him. After an hour of searching, he hands the Jew $500.00.
The Jew pockets the $500.00 & starts to take a nap.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Jew up & asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs & comes down with four?"
The Jew shrugs, hands the lawyer $5.00 & goes back to sleep.
 
A priest and a rabbi are in a car crash and it's a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi says, "So you're a priest. That's interesting; I'm a rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace."
The priest replies, "Oh, yes, I agree. It's a miracle that we survived and are here together."
"And here's another miracle," says the rabbi. "My car is destroyed but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our good fortune," he says, handing the bottle to the priest.
The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on.
"Aren't you going to have any?" asks the priest.
"Not right now," says the rabbi. "I think I'll wait until after the police make their report."
 
We have to be careful with this type of humor. A couple of months ago, I made a joke about soul food & was accused of making a racist post. :giggle:
 
win231 said:
We have to be careful with this type of humor. A couple of months ago, I made a joke about soul food & was accused of making a racist post. :giggle:
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Well, "ain't that a shame". Seems people no longer have a sense of humour. Too bad, humour is down; heart attacks, strokes, depression and suicides are up. I have a gut feeling that with more humour all those bad ailments would almost disappear. We have become a nation of politically correct, lazy, never-do-wells without a sense of humour!

To prove my point, when they take a photo of us for our driver's license, we are not allowed to smile. So when we get our black and white driver's license back, we look mad, like we were just released from the local prison. You should see mine; I look like a dangerous criminal. You wouldn't want to mess around with me and you certainly wouldn't want to meet me in the back alley on some dark night! Guess this is the way our society wants us to look? Too bad!
 
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A mother is making a traditional Jewish brisket, and cuts the juicy end off the meat. Daughter asks why are you cutting it and tossing it? Mother says its tradition. My mother does that. Daughter says, why does she do it?
Mother says its just tradition, and she calls her mother.
Grandmother says, I don't know, it is tradition. And she calls her aged mother (great grandmother) and asks--so why do you slice off the end of the brisket?
She says, oh I don't do that any more. I bought a larger pan.
 
Packerjohn said:
Well, "ain't that a shame". Seems people no longer have a sense of humour. Too bad, humour is down; heart attacks, strokes, depression and suicides are up. I have a gut feeling that with more humour all those bad ailments would almost disappear. We have become a nation of politically correct, lazy, never-do-wells without a sense of humour!

To prove my point, when they take a photo of us for our driver's license, we are not allowed to smile. So when we get our black and white driver's license back, we look mad, like we were just released from the local prison. You should see mine; I look like a dangerous criminal. You wouldn't want to mess around with me and you certainly wouldn't want to meet me in the back alley on some dark night! Guess this is the way our society wants us to look? Too bad!
Click to expand...
Oh, please... tell me you don't know where I live, do you?
 
Kids at a Christian highly rated school were being given a Bible quiz...the teacher ask:
"What is the most important person in the Bible.

One Christian kid raises his hand and said Moses. She says no.
Another raises his hand and says "David". She says no.

Finally she says "I've got $10 here for any student that can tell me the correct answer.

A Jewish boy raises his hand and says "Jesus". The teacher is so touched that this little Jewish boy knew that Jesus was the most important person in the Bible - what a good job of teaching she must have done. She wipes her eyes and dismisses the class, calling the boy up to her desk to get the $10.

She ask him "how did you come to know that Jesus was the most important person
in the Bible?" To which he replied..."well, I did think that Abraham was, but hey,
business is business."
 
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