Just Jokes and Stories in Writing - no pictures

Hapiguy

Member
Location
SE USA
Many good jokes and stories have gotten lost amongst the picture threads....

So this thread is intended for Just Jokes and Stories in Writing - without pictures or images....

Hopefully you will find them enjoyable being all within their own thread...

I'll start off with one and then it is your turn to share....

:)
 

Last edited:

Hapiguy

Member
Location
SE USA
A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox together. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his Mother to always be polite and don’t talk about private matters in public.

At first he holds it in for a little while because he doesn’t know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself.

Then he remembers what his Mother had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and politely says “Will you please excuse me, I have to go powder my nose.” After saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.

When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks “Did you powder your nose?”

“Yes” said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.

“Well then” says the little girl, “You better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out.”
 

OneEyedDiva

Well-known Member
Location
New Jersey
I copied this from an email that was sent to me, ergo the strange format:
Never Argue with a Woman
> >
> > One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
> > to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
>take
> > the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her
>book.
> >
> > Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
> > says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
> >
> > "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
> > "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
> > "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
> > "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
>any
> > moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
> >
> > "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
> > woman.
> >
> > "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
> > "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
>start
> > at any moment."
> > "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
 

Hapiguy

Member
Location
SE USA
Three very good looking young ladies are having a get together. One is married, one is a mistress having an affair and one is engaged to be married.

They all agree to see what happens when they "present" themselves unexpectable to their man wearing a black leather bra, high spike black heals and a black mask.

Afterwards, they got together to compare what happened.

The engaged lady said her guy was surprised, excited, and carried her to the bedroom where they had the best sex ever.

The lady having an affair said her partner couldn't believe his eyes. He also was excited and they had an event that will last in their memories forever.

When the married lady confronted her husband he looked at her and said "What's for supper Zorro?”
 

Ceege

Senior Member
Location
Michigan
You might want to grab a tissue before you start reading this one.....

A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry . Paddy consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Marks and Spencer’s and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Marks and Spencer’s had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Paddy unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Paddy sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter. Dear Maggie I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Patrick P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
 

Chris P Bacon

Senior Member
Location
Columbus Ohio

A computer Science student showed up at his buddie's dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said, "Sweet bike! Where'd ya get it?"

“You’ll never believe this,” the student said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said take whatever you want!

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “Smart, her clothes would have never fit you.”
 

Chris P Bacon

Senior Member
Location
Columbus Ohio
Private Jones’ mother has died.

A Captain calls in the Sergeant. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother has died. Better go tell him and send him to see me.”

The Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

“Listen up, men!” he says. “Johnson, step out and report to the mess hall for KP. Hoskins, step out and report for guard duty. Jones, step out and report to personnel, your mother is dead. The rest of you, report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.”

Later that day, the Captain calls the Sergeant into his office.

“Sergeant, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother had died. Could you be a bit more tactful next time, please?”

“Yes sir,” answers the Sergeant.

A few months later, the Captain calls the Sergeant in again.

“Sarge, I just received a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother has died. You’d better tell him, and then send him to see me. This time, be more tactful.”
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Okay men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother take two steps forward… Not so fast McGrath.”
 

Chris P Bacon

Senior Member
Location
Columbus Ohio
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day as they were walking past the hospital pool, Ralph jumps into the deep end and sinks to the bottom and just stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse became aware of this heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged as now she was considered to be mentally stable.

She went to tell Edna the news in person. “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of a person you love....I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind”.

“The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he is dead”.

Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”
 

Chris P Bacon

Senior Member
Location
Columbus Ohio
A Jewish woman of a certain age is sitting on the beach when an attractive older gentleman comes along, unrolls his towel near her, and starts to read a book. Desperate to make conversation, she asks him, “Is that a good book?”

“Oh yes, excellent,” he says, and goes back to reading.

A few minutes later she tries again: “Are you married?”

“My wife died two years ago,” he says.

“I'm so sorry,” she says. “My husband's been gone three years; I miss him so.”

Once again silence descends. She tries one more time and asks, “Do you like pussycats?”

At this he leaps up, rips off her clothes, and ravages her repeatedly. Afterwards, they're lying together on the beach. She sighs and says, “How did you know I wanted you to do that?”

He answers, “How did you know my name was Katz?”
 

Chris P Bacon

Senior Member
Location
Columbus Ohio
Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.

They stopped.

George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers and he says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that there railin'?"

She says "I'm going to commit suicide!"

George says "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, how about you give ol' George here your best goodbye kiss?"

Without hesitation, she leaned back over the rail and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss plus a few more real wet ones. George gets cheers of approval from his biker-buddies, onlookers, and even the State Troopers.

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you got there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
 

Chris P Bacon

Senior Member
Location
Columbus Ohio
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30 and no laxatives, no waiting needed, come 6.30 it's all out there by itself loose and fine."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.

So what's so tough about being 80?"

" But I don't wake up until 7:00!"
 

Sassycakes

SF VIP
Location
Pennsylvania
A retired gentleman went to apply for social security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home, "will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.

The woman says, "unbutton your shirt." he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” as she processes his social security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says, "you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
 

win231

Well-known Member
Location
CA
For decades, two statues, one male & one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"Since you've been such exemplary statues, I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes & during that time, you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

They immediately dashed for the bushes with grins on their faces. There was lots of giggling & shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, they emerged from the bushes with smiles on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking.

The female statue turned to the male statue & said, "Great! Only this time, you hold the pigeon down & I'll poop on its head."
 

win231

Well-known Member
Location
CA
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, & tells his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs & gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks mad, but fetches another beer & slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer & a few minutes later, says, "Quick, get me another beer...it's going to start any minute."
Now, his wife is really furious. She yells at him: "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer & sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken fat slob, & furthermore......"
The man sighs & says, "It's started."
 

win231

Well-known Member
Location
CA
A housekeeper worked for a married couple. She asked the wife for a raise.
"Well, why do you think you deserve a raise?" asked the wife.
Housekeeper: "There are three reasons why I deserve a raise. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The third reason is that I'm a better lover than you."
Now, the wife is really furious & asks, "Did my husband say that, too?"
Housekeeper: "No. The gardener did."
She got the raise.
 

win231

Well-known Member
Location
CA
A man bought a Ferrari and took it out on the interstate late that night for a test drive. To see what she could do, he decided to open her up.
As the needle went past 100 mph, he suddenly saw flashing lights behind him. Thinking that a police car couldn’t keep up with a Ferrari, he rapidly sped up to 110, then 120 and finally to 130 with the flashing lights still behind him.
Finally, he came to his senses and pulled over. A big grumpy police officer came up to the car and after taking his licence and registration, said “I’ve had a really tough shift and I want to go home. I don’t want any more paper work tonight, so if you can give me an excuse for your excessive speed that I haven’t heard, I’ll let you go.”
The man said “Well, last week my wife ran off with a police officer, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
The cop replies,"Have a good day, sir, but slow down."
 

win231

Well-known Member
Location
CA
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store with a beautiful much-younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25.00 in your account."
"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"
 


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