Live near an active abusive relationship, no one including the abused seems to care

[JonSR77]

Intreresting video .... also very sad.

My mother was abused by her first husband [not my dad] Then, by my dad, as was I. He slammed closed on my fingers, the cozy wing of a 1949 Hudson then leaned on it ...... because i wanted to get out of the car. I was 3. He tried to cut the throat of my dog, because she growled at him for hitting mom. I grabbed my dog, and he cut my arm with the same straight razor. ........ I was 6

I know she [mom] shouldn't have but ....... she aquired a boyfriend ...... one night when he dropped her off ...... dad empited a clip from an M1Garrand into the car ....... How how missed them both ? I'll never know.

Mom divorced dad, married a guy I'll call 'Red'..... It all started all over again, he pinned me & my mom against the garage wall with his car ...... because i wanted to get my bicycle out and he feared i would scratch his car. ..... I was 8 . He threw mom out the front window of the house ..... it wasn't open. He threw my 1/2 sister's new stereo out of the second floor window, because she was playing Christmas music .... too loud.

She then married a guy I'll call Dave .... he went off one night & tried to shoot both of us with a .22 pistol [my sis was married then, and not in the house]. By then i was 14, and big enough to fight him for the gun, I got it away from him , the police were called and he ended up in a mental ward.

So ...... I know a little something about domestic violence ......

I was married once over 50 years ago ..... it didn't workout , so we divorced after 3+ years.

BTW ....... I have never raised my hand to a woman ........ seldom ever raised my voice.

So very deeply sorry that you had these experiences. I also come from an abusive background. I fully believe everything you say. I have met people with very very very similar experiences in their history.

And, of course, honoring you for risking your life and disarming that man, to save you and your mom's life. Not a small thing. You are a hero. And I suspect, probably in many other ways, all throughout your life.

 

[JonSR77]

My partner works at a non-profit organization that benefits domestic abuse survivors. He has met several of these victims. They are typically meek and grateful for any help.

The truth is, they don't have the power to just leave these horrible, abusive relationships. Many have been brainwashed by their abusers into feeling like they are worth nothing without them. Children are also sometimes used as leverage to keep the couples together. Many women who are victims of this abuse will never call the police because they are in fear for their lives.

I'm so sorry you have had to experience these disturbances, but I have the utmost sympathy for victims of domestic abuse. This says it all.

absolutely wonderful that your partner does this work!

 

[Nathan]

Call the cops! You have a right not hear other people's music-screaming-cussing!
The property manager seems pretty weak, maybe time to move if nobody in authority is willing to take action.

 

[Jeni]

It is similar to any challenge in life the victim in the case needs to decide to make the change.....and stay the course

It is very difficult as your whole life needs to change...... maybe a move to another area/ situation .....
maybe a serious change in finances if the abuser was the provider......
and many HARD decisions about cutting contact with others that drag you back.
It is NEVER about just abuser gone.... it is a life change and a attitude to not accept that .

What is fascinating in @rpg post is ...... mom who somehow managed to find and marry other abusers.....NOT sure if the abusers can spot a woman who is a victim.

Blissful ignorance........ is the term i would use in all those shows that say AFTER something happens that yes it was obvious but no one said or did anything

 

[OneEyedDiva]

Sorry you are in this situation. I know what it's like to have a noisy neighbor..along with hers and her friends children (may she R.I.P.) I would've moved but rents were three and four times what or mortgage payments here were and at the time I couldn't afford it, so I stayed. Finally she moved out. Since the landlord doesn't want to get involved and this POS is being tolerated, I'm wondering if people are afraid of him. His housemates may be allowing it because they are afraid and/or he's supplying "good" drugs. It's hard to think that stoners can think rationally and make wise decisions. People are hesitant to get involved these days because someone so off the hook could retaliate and they could be the next ones in a tragic story on the news.

 

[JonSR77]

It is similar to any challenge in life the victim in the case needs to decide to make the change.....and stay the course

It is very difficult as your whole life needs to change...... maybe a move to another area/ situation .....
maybe a serious change in finances if the abuser was the provider......
and many HARD decisions about cutting contact with others that drag you back.
It is NEVER about just abuser gone.... it is a life change and a attitude to not accept that .

What is fascinating in @rpg post is ...... mom who somehow managed to find and marry other abusers.....NOT sure if the abusers can spot a woman who is a victim.

Blissful ignorance........ is the term i would use in all those shows that say AFTER something happens that yes it was obvious but no one said or did anything

In the course of my work, I counseled a few battered women. It is common that they are victims of multiple forms of abuse. What happens is that they get so traumatized by their experiences...that they have a different affect, let us say. They come across as weak or vulnerable...and easier to abuse. And predatory people are sensitive to that. They have a kind of instinct, where they know where their greater chances of success will be. And that is why, once abused, people can fall into a range of abuses.

So, "D's" main abuser was her father. He put her in the hospital, horrible stuff. She was also once locked in a closet for a weekend, by a boyfriend. She got a job as a hostess at a restaurant. The owner tried to push her into prostitution.

Horrible, horrible stuff. She also lost her sense of caution. Her family had a cabin in Northern NJ. One winter, she found a bear hibernating under the cabin. She used to go down there and literally poke the bear with a stick. She thought it was funny. The trauma had just completely distorted her sense of proportion and danger.

I mention that as an example of how deeply distorted one's thinking can become, by being heavily abused.

 

[WhatInThe]

..... Since the landlord doesn't want to get involved and this POS is being tolerated, I'm wondering if people are afraid of him. His housemates may be allowing it because they are afraid and/or he's supplying "good" drugs.,,,,

That's my theory somebody up there is supplying the drugs or has connections. But the other variable is money. The actual tenant keeps putting roomates in there so my guess they need money. The woman who hasn't worked in 6 months probably has money issues as well since she gave up her apartment in the building. But this is a possible tell with the boyfriend. If he couldn't bring enough to the table to keep an apartment at an older rent price either he's a bum or he's bringing "something" to the table ie drugs/connections.

Also noticed another pattern with the woman she gets mad after every fight a plays those games super aggressively for the better part of an hour or cranks dance music to maximum volumes(got some recordings of that). She also apparently hates being alone because when other roomates leave leaving her by herself she plays aggressively and loud for a while. For about 3 months she was going out less than an hour a day probably in there 2-3 days at a time. Something's up with her.

The update since I started this thread is they smoke different kinds of pot several days a week rather than occassionally now. The tenant told the landlord she works from home now is why she's around but who the heck does she work for where she can smoke pot and drink by mid morning. After a month of lesser not low game noise they started playing the music loud again but constantly lower it like they're testing seeing what they can get away with. They had another "violent" fight again not as long so she bolted came back about an hour later. The landlord knows something's up and said he might be able to get here one day while they're loud or if I can get a recording that would help(recording noise not easy for several reasons)

 

[Jeni]

The landlord knows something's up and said he might be able to get here one day while they're loud or if I can get a recording that would help(recording noise not easy for several reasons)

I think this is a ridiculous request from some landlords
but they do it all the time want the tenant to record or take photos to back up the issue ... IMO that is their job not yours.

 

[Jules]

@WhatInThe If you have a cell phone there’s likely a recording app on it.

 

[WhatInThe]

@WhatInThe If you have a cell phone there’s likely a recording app on it.

It does and I tried using it. Found out that most generic recording apps are designed for the human voice only. Background noise like thumps, thuds, bass music etc are much tougher to record. Some phone and computers actually have filters on their recording apps to so the voice comes records clear which have to be disabled.

I had to download apps designed to record live music to make progress. The mic was capturing the sound looking at the sound graphs, meters etc but to reproducing/playing is another story. Long story short went to discount stores and experimented with various cheap speakers in which a gaming speaker makes the best sound including much of the bass music and some voices in background. Also tried a cheap condenser mic but unless positioned right it won't capture enough sound to reproduce. Can only filter and equalize the recording so much. Also sharing or sending out a recording is tough because the recipient would wind up with many of the same issues.

Still learning and experimenting but it's time consuming and tiring at times chasing sound. But can't even watch tv or read a book when the party, play games or argue so not much else to do and I'm not leaving the because that would send a message they can chase me out with noise. And they do pay attention to comings and goings.