Living Apart Together

bobcat

bobcat

Well-known Member
Location
Northern Calif
Are you a fan of the Living Apart Together (LAT) arrangement where you have a relationship with someone, but you each maintain and live at your own residences, and see each other regularly. How much should be expected of you in that relationship (Committedness, boundaries, sex, finances, who pays for dates, do you occasionally stay over, etc...). What are some of the problems that occur?
 

It has been working wonderfully for 12 years.
We are both in agreement we don't want to live together but we enjoy time together immensely. We travel alot together maybe 4-5 times a year. We see each other on weekends most times, we talk mostly twice a day. We are a couple in mostly all family event (both her side and mine).
We go out to dinner every weekend somewhere nice. I pay mostly because I make so much more in income, but she contributes when she can.
We both have Trusts setup so there is no squabbling if one of us dies. Everything we have goes to our families. I get nothing from her estate and she gets nothing from mine.
Best of both worlds!
 
Se
Sippican said:
It has been working wonderfully for 12 years.
We are both in agreement we don't want to live together but we enjoy time together immensely. We travel alot together maybe 4-5 times a year. We see each other on weekends most times, we talk mostly twice a day. We are a couple in mostly all family event (both her side and mine).
We go out to dinner every weekend somewhere nice. I pay mostly because I make so much more in income, but she contributes when she can.
We both have Trusts setup so there is no squabbling if one of us dies. Everything we have goes to our families. I get nothing from her estate and she gets nothing from mine.
Best of both worlds!
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Seems to be a well structured relationship with committed ties. Nice to see that it's working. Thanks.
 

CarolfromTX said:
We play bridge with a couple who live together, but come in separate cars, take separate vacations as well as together, and often do things on their own. Seems to work for them.
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Are they bridge partners too? Usually a mistake by a partner at the table can be the cause of lots of animosity. Sometimes immediately, sometimes it waits until at home.
 
My sister has such an arrangement with her 2nd husband, tho i think the plan is for them to eventually be under same roof. Her first marriage lasted 50 yrs but they had separate bedrooms from time their 3 boys had left home (Maybe 10 yrs in because they were from his first marriage, but she considers them her sons and their children grandchildren and the feeling mostly mutual--tho stronger with grands than than the boys.)

It seems to work for them. They see each other daily. It is a healthier relationship overall than her first marriage, really. Long story i'm not up to sharing at this time. But he makes her laugh and isn't controlling or manipulative. Legally, in terms of when one dies, they have a similar arrangement to @Sippican's.

i'm for whatever works for the people involved. Tho if asked by family or friend i would advise giving a good deal of thought/discussion to things like responsibilities, boundaries, and providing for/protecting one's offspring before making any formal arrangement--even just a civil ceremony wedding.
 
Before doing something like that it would be important to negotiate everything so there are no misunderstandings. If I find myself alone in the future that is something to consider - just to keep my own space since it is too hard to adjust to a new person and their kids now.
 
I have no opinion on the choice but it seems as though it'd be a bit expensive? My wife and I married as we left our teens and have been married for 67 years. That'd be the cost of two homes over that man years, along with the upkeep and bills that go with it.

My wife only worked for a few of those years so she'd have been broke before we got started.:(

OK for all you wealthy folks out there but I guess I'm in a lower financial class. Oh well - - -can't have everything.
 
bobcat48 said:
Are you a fan of the Living Apart Together (LAT) arrangement where you have a relationship with someone, but you each maintain and live at your own residences, and see each other regularly. How much should be expected of you in that relationship (Committedness, boundaries, sex, finances, who pays for dates, do you occasionally stay over, etc...). What are some of the problems that occur?
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I do have a committed relationship with a wonderful guy. Have had no problems for five years. I told him right from the start that I do not want to live or marry anyone ever again. He accepted that and it has been fine. In fact, I just saw him today. No, I do not stay over at his house because I have a pet and have to be home. If we go out to eat, he always pays. I can't really think of any problem with our relationship because our finances and our homes are separate. If he is messy or buys another go-kart it does not affect me.
 
feywon said:
i'm for whatever works for the people involved. Tho if asked by family or friend i would advise giving a good deal of thought/discussion to things like responsibilities, boundaries, and providing for/protecting one's offspring before making any formal arrangement--even just a civil ceremony wedding.
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100%.
 
DaveA said:
I have no opinion on the choice but it seems as though it'd be a bit expensive? My wife and I married as we left our teens and have been married for 67 years. That'd be the cost of two homes over that man years, along with the upkeep and bills that go with it.

My wife only worked for a few of those years so she'd have been broke before we got started.:(

OK for all you wealthy folks out there but I guess I'm in a lower financial class. Oh well - - -can't have everything.
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Congrats on a very long marriage. That;'s commendable.
 
DaveA said:
I have no opinion on the choice but it seems as though it'd be a bit expensive? My wife and I married as we left our teens and have been married for 67 years. That'd be the cost of two homes over that man years, along with the upkeep and bills that go with it.

My wife only worked for a few of those years so she'd have been broke before we got started.:(

OK for all you wealthy folks out there but I guess I'm in a lower financial class. Oh well - - -can't have everything.
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But love and companionship is the glue that makes it all happily worthwhile. :)
 
People are always more important than things. However, how 2 people relate is a wide open question. There is no 1 solution fits all situations. Whatever works, go for it and don't let your relatives tell you any different.
 
DaveA said:
I have no opinion on the choice but it seems as though it'd be a bit expensive? My wife and I married as we left our teens and have been married for 67 years. That'd be the cost of two homes over that man years, along with the upkeep and bills that go with it.

My wife only worked for a few of those years so she'd have been broke before we got started.:(

OK for all you wealthy folks out there but I guess I'm in a lower financial class. Oh well - - -can't have everything.
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DH and I were in our teens when we married 66 years ago. We do most things together, enjoy most of the same things, and agree on politics! We are just glad that we have each other!
 
DaveA said:
I have no opinion on the choice but it seems as though it'd be a bit expensive? My wife and I married as we left our teens and have been married for 67 years. That'd be the cost of two homes over that man years, along with the upkeep and bills that go with it.

My wife only worked for a few of those years so she'd have been broke before we got started.:(

OK for all you wealthy folks out there but I guess I'm in a lower financial class. Oh well - - -can't have everything.
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Never assume wealthy is happy. In my years I've spent time with CEO's of some of the biggest companies and spent more time at the local food pantry. Wealth brings its own problems. The most genuinely happy people I find is at the food pantry. Sure, they have struggles, but talking to then, they seem to have a great outlook and accepting of their station in life. 'Class' is all in your mind, not in financial wealth.
 
Some here might remember that I've posted about being what is known as a co-wife in Islam. We married when I was around 46 or 47 after me wafting for 3 years. I maintained my residence and my husband (our husband) "visited", sometimes too often IMO and sometimes for too long. I would literally get anxiety if he was around too much. You see...I don't feel I'm cut out for traditional marriage. It was my second marriage and if not for that "arrangement" I would not have married again at all (I always said I'd never remarry). As a Muslim, I'm not supposed to do the casual dating thing, but I'd have to ask God to forgive me if I entered into an LAT relationship. The catch though is it would have to be friends without benefits. :LOL: I would just want someone to go to lunch or dinner with sometimes and maybe even a music event from time to time.

My sister entered into an LAT relationship about 10 years after she lost her husband. They both own their own homes, him in another town. They discussed getting married but my sister really doesn't want to. The government "punishes" widows on SS who remarry by stripping them of their deceased husband's SS. In my sister's case that would be significant because she was a stay at home mom for many years.
 
Sippican said:
Never assume wealthy is happy. In my years I've spent time with CEO's of some of the biggest companies and spent more time at the local food pantry. Wealth brings its own problems. The most genuinely happy people I find is at the food pantry. Sure, they have struggles, but talking to then, they seem to have a great outlook and accepting of their station in life. 'Class' is all in your mind, not in financial wealth.
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I have known many unhappy and stressed out poor people wondering how they were going to eat, keep a roof over their heads and get medical care when I was a social worker. Poverty brings with it an array of problems.
 
Teacher Terry said:
I have known many unhappy and stressed out poor people wondering how they were going to eat, keep a roof over their heads and get medical care when I was a social worker. Poverty brings with it an array of problems.
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Of course you would see them, you were a social worker. There are many more poor people that do not require social worker intervention.
At the food pantry we were trained to identify homeless vs. folks that had a roof over their head. Simple things like getting free food, talking with people that didn't look down on them, gave them encouragement, thats what many poor people want, is just to be treated respectful.
We would give out cakes on peoples birthdays if we have some from the local grocery store. George would come in all smiles every week and say it was his birthday. It was a game we played, telling him he can't have a birthday every week! He would laugh so hard, it was infectious. We all laughed. Yep, he didn't know where his next meal would come from or what abandon house he would end up that night, but he had a smile and good heart. Even gave some of his food to others when he felt he got too much....Sometimes I'd slip him a couple of bucks. Point is, not all people are unhappy, stressed out. They have come to terms with their station in life and look toward God to see them through.
 
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OneEyedDiva said:
Some here might remember that I've posted about being what is known as a co-wife in Islam. We married when I was around 46 or 47 after me wafting for 3 years. I maintained my residence and my husband (our husband) "visited", sometimes too often IMO and sometimes for too long. I would literally get anxiety if he was around too much. You see...I don't feel I'm cut out for traditional marriage. It was my second marriage and if not for that "arrangement" I would not have married again at all (I always said I'd never remarry). As a Muslim, I'm not supposed to do the casual dating thing, but I'd have to ask God to forgive me if I entered into an LAT relationship. The catch though is it would have to be friends without benefits. :LOL: I would just want someone to go to lunch or dinner with sometimes and maybe even a music event from time to time.

My sister entered into an LAT relationship about 10 years after she lost her husband. They both own their own homes, him in another town. They discussed getting married but my sister really doesn't want to. The government "punishes" widows on SS who remarry by stripping them of their deceased husband's SS. In my sister's case that would be significant because she was a stay at home mom for many years.
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I think you can still have an intimate relationship without 'friends with benefits', if you mean sex. Intimacy and sex can be two different things. What is a LAT?
 
Sippican said:
I think you can still have an intimate relationship without 'friends with benefits', if you mean sex. Intimacy and sex can be two different things. What is a LAT?
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I absolutely agree with you that intimacy doesn't necessarily have to involve sex Sippican. In some cases, sex doesn't translate to intimacy between the partners. Yes, "friends with benefits" usually means there's sex involved. LAT was mentioned in the first sentence of the OP. It means living apart together.
 

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