May I Have Your Daughter’s Hand in Marriage?

Jules

Jules

SF VIP
Did you ask your future father-in-law?
Did your future husband ask your father?
Did your daughter’s future husband ask her father?
How do you feel about this?

There’s a whole lot marriage talk happening in our family. My daughter was surprised that her daughter’s SO didn’t ask her father for permission. They’ve been living together for a five years and have two babies. For heaven’s sake. They’re adults. It’s her decision, whether her father likes him or not. I didn’t say this to my DD1, only to DD2 who told me about it. She was shocked at me.
 

Jules said:
May I Have Your Daughter’s Hand in Marriage?
Did your future husband ask your father?
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No, my husband did not ask my father for my hand in marriage. We didn't need my father's permission to marry. There's nothing he could say or do that would've stopped me from marrying my intended. However, if my mother raised an objection, I'd have to give it serious consideration before moving forward.
Jules said:
How do you feel about this?
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No one has to ask my permission for anything. Unless I knew something was really wrong about them getting married, I'd mind my own business. My feeling is - Just, please, be smart about whatever you're going to do. Be sure and do it for the right reasons.
 
‘Not unlike other wedding traditions, a man asking a woman's father for her hand in marriage was born out of women being considered property. Even when couples were marrying for love, women were still considered to be under the control of the men in their lives’

A much outdated tradition in my view
 
Asking for her father's permission seems like something from 300 years ago. I think it's a horrible idea. It seems like you need to get his daughter's permission first. Then it would be up to her to ask her father.... if she were so inclined.

I don't want to sidetrack this too much, but when I got married, we had to go to the county courthouse to get a marriage license. After we filled out the forms, I mentioned, "All that is left is to have the ceremony," and the woman at the window said, "No that's not true. You are married as of today." I guess I kind of knew that, but it still surprised me. Why would I think the blessing from a minister had anything to do with the matter?
 
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I didn't ask my fiances father and he was offended I found out later, he told me himself. The thought never occurred to me to ask his permission, as an independent adult I hadn't asked anyone for permission for many years.lol

My daughter and her boyfriend have been together for twelve years, living together for most of that time, they even bought a house together five years ago. Last year he came to me and asked my permission to marry her. It was nice that he asked but I honestly thought it a bit silly after all these years.
 
C50 said:
My daughter and her boyfriend have been together for twelve years, living together for most of that time, they even bought a house together five years ago. Last year he came to me and asked my permission to marry her. It was nice that he asked but I honestly thought it a bit silly after all these years.
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He could of at least offered you an oxen and couple of goats.
 
I actually do know people who asked permission. A high school friend of mine who was Portuguese and came from a very religious family asked that way. She ended up falling for the guy from the other side of the tracks and she really changed.

They got into some serious drugs, lost a child, I won’t say how, and he blamed the death totally on her. They got divorced and I never heard from them again. They were both great musicians and it was a shame it ended that way.

Ok off for a walk now.
 
Jules said:
Did you ask your future father-in-law?
Did your future husband ask your father?
Did your daughter’s future husband ask her father?
How do you feel about this?
Click to expand...
It was a case of the other way around. His daughter and I had been dance partners for a couple of years, we only became an item in the third year of knowing each other. Dance competitions often meant an overnight stay somewhere so I tentatively asked her father for permission to share a room in order to save on costs.

Dear, oh dear, you would think that she was being sent into a den of iniquity. "If you want to sleep with my daughter, you'll marry her," ranted her Dad, and to his, and everyone else's surprise, that's exactly what we did. She was only eighteen, I was twenty-two. I didn't do the bended knee, but I did spend far too much on the engagement ring. That ring has since been joined by her wedding ring, the silver anniversary ring, the ruby anniversary ring, the golden anniversary ring and, with a fair wind and the Lord's blessing, there's a good chance that the diamond anniversary ring will be added to her collection.
 
Bella said:
My feeling is - Just, please, be smart about whatever you're going to do. Be sure and do it for the right reasons.
Click to expand...
I’m not sure if you read something else into my OP. I’m just shocked that both my DDs thought this was the norm, since they’d never get that from me. I have no intention of doing anything, including any advice on the weddings.
 
Nope.
Old fashioned nonsense but if you still like it why not.
Just words.

Weddings are slowly becoming a thing of the past.
My two grandchildren now in their thirties will never 'tie the knot' as they say.
My grandson just split with his partner after 9 years of living together.
They had agreed to no children and had legal papers re properties etc drawn up after two years of living together.
No problems on either side and they are still friends.

Other friends say they hear the same thing from their grandchildren.
 
Mizmo said:
Nope.
Old fashioned nonsense but if you still like it why not.
Just words.

Weddings are slowly becoming a thing of the past.
My two grandchildren now in their thirties will never 'tie the knot' as they say.
My grandson just split with his partner after 9 years of living together.
They had agreed to no children and had legal papers re properties etc drawn up after two years of living together.
No problems on either side and they are still friends.

Other friends say they hear the same thing from their grandchildren.
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This is an interesting perspective. It has me wondering if we are about to see a change in what was once considered unthinkable.
 
I see it as a sign of respect for all involved, and that is something that is lacking all around today. I believe in the case where the father had passed, it was the mother who was then asked.

At one time, yes the daughter was married off to another family for peace, money or whatever the end result was to be. And on the other hand, there was a son who was the other piece of chattel in the deal. So I think that worked both ways.

My husband asked my Dad for permission. He also got down on one me to ask me too. Again, IMO that was a sign of respect.

There have been many explanations for getting down on the knee. The one I like is where it was explained to be Viking slang for getting married, "I took an arrow to the knee".
 
I viewed it as a sign of respect. I would say it wasn't so much asking "permission" as it was asking for "blessing" and assuring that it was serious and that I believed we were prepared to make it on our own. Because her parents were stationed overseas, I really only met them in person a couple of times before we were married. The conversation was actually over a (very) long distance phone call.

Having heard that story over the years, my daughter insisted that her husband-to-be have the same conversation with me.
 
Jules said:
I’m not sure if you read something else into my OP. I’m just shocked that both my DDs thought this was the norm, since they’d never get that from me. I have no intention of doing anything, including any advice on the weddings.
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Jules, when you asked “How do you feel about this?” I can see how my answer was confusing.

I should have worded it more clearly, I thought you meant how do I feel about a daughter's future husband asking for permission to marry her. When I answered, I wasn't making any reference to you or what you should or shouldn't do about it. I was speaking strictly for myself when I said, “No one has to ask my permission for anything. Unless I knew something was really wrong about them getting married, I'd mind my own business. My feeling is - Just, please, be smart about whatever you're going to do. Be sure and do it for the right reasons.”

“Please be smart about whatever you're going to do. Be sure and do it for the right reasons.”, was in reference to the couple making the decision to get married, not that you should do or say anything about it. Does that clear it up? :)
 
"Did you ask your future father-in-law?"

If I HAD, he'd have probly said, "Jeezez, kid, I thought you were smarter 'n that."

So, no, I didn't.
 

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