Men, I need some advice

Murrmurr

Murrmurr

SF VIP
Location
Sacramento, California
My oldest son, Grant, is 46. We were leisurely browsing at a shop where he buys scrap metals when he told me he's not sexually attracted to his wife anymore. She's 2 years older than him, but that's never mattered at all.

I didn't have a whole lot to say about it because I never had that experience; until just recently, I was single most of my adult life.

Am I right to assume this is a common midlife thing for married men? I was a single dad, and I feel like I was always there for my kids, but I really didn't know what to say.

Grant and his wife have been married for over 2 decades. I think it might be significant that his hair is thinning and he kind of obsesses over a bald spot, he's put on some extra pounds, and he's been working the same type of job since he was 22. He has a really good hobby, though. He builds custom bicycles, frames, and parts, and he makes a little money off them. He also has an excellent income, but that could actually be a down-side, if you know what I mean.

He's pretty depressed about this sort of sudden lack of attraction to his wife. That attraction used to be all he talked about. Now he's talking about going outside his marriage. I told him to hold off on that while we both think this thing through. But, like I said, I'm at a loss.

So, any of you guys been there, or have any advice I can give him?
 

I have never been in a similar situation and was never close to anyone else who was. It sounds like it must be common though.

I'd be wary in his shoes of that "solution." Their age difference is trivial. They both may be contributing to their problems but it sounds as if most of it is on his end - at least right now. Two decades is a significant investment in each other and I hope they find a way past this. Most of the time the grass only looks greener anyway. He might make a mistake and within a couple of years of new-and-fun find himself alone the rest of his life.
 
dilettante said:
I have never been in a similar situation and was never close to anyone else who was. It sounds like it must be common though.

I'd be wary in his shoes of that "solution." Their age difference is trivial. They both may be contributing to their problems but it sounds as if most of it is on his end - at least right now. Two decades is a significant investment in each other and I hope they find a way past this. Most of the time the grass only looks greener anyway. He might make a mistake and within a couple of years of new-and-fun find himself alone the rest of his life.
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What's puzzling to me is that Grant's wife was always sexually adventurous (according to him) and he says she still is. I mean, they've both slowed down some, but he knows that's normal.

What he's saying is he's not physically attracted to her. And she hasn't changed much at all since they married.
 
My wife and I do most things together and I love her very much however, not in a cheating sort of way, I appreciate the beauty of other women. I think that helps me appreciate my wife and everything we have been through. I am not the cool buck of a stud I used to be, knowing how difficult it would be for someone to find me attractive is reason enough to enjoy my wife at home.
 
Nathan said:
Being in your mid-forties is getting hit by some powerful forces, hormone decline and the whole mixed bag of self image +marital stagnation, etc.
I hope Grant hangs onto control of his life, and seeks renewal of his bonds with his wife.
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I'm wondering if couples counseling could help. As crappy as family counseling has become over the past few decades, with its under-educated, inexperienced counselors and one-size-fits-all methods, I don't know what else to suggest.
 
Mr. Ed said:
My wife and I do most things together and I love her very much however, not in a cheating sort of way, I appreciate the beauty of other women. I think that helps me appreciate my wife and everything we have been through. I am not the cool buck of a stud I used to be, knowing how difficult it would be for someone to find me attractive is reason enough to enjoy my wife at home.
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Thanks, Ed.

You make a good point; I read that men in Grant's situation need to practice gratitude/appreciation for their wives....literally practice until it becomes part of their nature, or whatever.
 
Murrmurr said:
What he's saying is he's not physically attracted to her. And she hasn't changed much at all since they married.
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There can be a lot more to it than that though. Both parties may not be giving each other what they need and through feedback over time have turned cooler and cooler toward each other.

Have you seen the video here:

Valentine's Day For Single Guys

I can't think of anything in that which a wife of 65 can't provide in almost the same fashion. That goes the other way as well of course, but maybe the ladies can provide examples of the sort of caring non-sexual roleplay they would enjoy in return.

Of course nobody turns that on like a light switch, and it takes a lot of work to get back to that kind of intimate play and support after 20 years with friction developing as well. Couples probably need a scary "Christmas Carol" experience to understand what they have and could either improve on or lose forever.
 
dilettante said:
There can be a lot more to it than that though. Both parties may not be giving each other what they need and through feedback over time have turned cooler and cooler toward each other.

Have you seen the video here:

Valentine's Day For Single Guys

I can't think of anything in that which a wife of 65 can't provide in almost the same fashion. That goes the other way as well of course, but maybe the ladies can provide examples of the sort of caring non-sexual roleplay they would enjoy in return.

Of course nobody turns that on like a light switch, and it takes a lot of work to get back to that kind of intimate play and support after 20 years with friction developing as well. Couples probably need a scary "Christmas Carol" experience to understand what they have and could either improve on or lose forever.
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His wife's only 48 ...but I get the point of the video.

I think Grant needs to focus on his wife, though, and this particular issue.
 
Murrmurr said:
His wife's only 48 ...but I get the point of the video.

I think Grant needs to focus on his wife, though, and this particular issue.
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I think you missed my point. If they are becoming less attracted to each other there may be ways to work toward restoring the "magic." Not to go watch video of young women.
 
PeppermintPatty said:
I agree with the counselling. I think it’s easy for couples who have been together for a long time to get bored. I’d suggest that he start dating his wife again. Effort put in is usually equal to the result obtained.
. No effort ,no responding result.
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Yeah, I'm gonna suggest counseling.

They do go on dates. Almost every weekend. They also take a two-week vacation together every year, and every other year they do it in another country. They also belong to a few bicycle clubs that have scheduled rides in the spring and summer, and they love going to those. In fact, he built her a custom bicycle several years ago, and he built a his & hers tandem bike a few years ago, just for them. A lot of the club members call Grant and his wife their favorite couple.

So maybe his issue goes pretty deep...idk...I just don't know.
 
dilettante said:
Not to go watch video of young women.
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I went to watching videos of old women to get accustom too it....
People change over time, my wife and I aren't the same people we were nearly 40 years ago. There have been ruts in the road, but have managed to come back out on the pavement and kept cruising.
My only advise is for them to sit down and be honest with each other, and build from there.
 
Murrmurr said:
Yeah, I'm gonna suggest counseling.

They do go on dates. Almost every weekend. They also take a two-week vacation together every year, and every other year they do it in another country. They also belong to a few bicycle clubs that have scheduled rides in the spring and summer, and they love going to those. In fact, he built her a custom bicycle several years ago, and he built a his & hers tandem bike a few years ago, just for them. A lot of the club members call Grant and his wife their favorite couple.

So maybe his issue goes pretty deep...idk...I just don't know.
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Maybe he’s in lust with another person. From what you’re saying, he puts a LOT of effort into the marriage. They do sound like the perfect couple. Bike riding on a bicycle built for two. Counselling sounds so cliche but maybe there’s something they both can discover about each other…. And do it together.
 
old medic said:
I went to watching videos of old women to get accustom too it....
People change over time, my wife and I aren't the same people we were nearly 40 years ago. There have been ruts in the road, but have managed to come back out on the pavement and kept cruising.
My only advise is for them to sit down and be honest with each other, and build from there.
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(Might surprise some people, but...) After I turned 60, I started finding older woman attractive. Very attractive, actually. I became intrigued with their mature wisdom and seasoned sense of humor and openness. Older women (generally speaking) are less inhibited; they know what they want and they don't hesitate to tell you.

Also, they don't put up with any bullshyte.

It was so refreshing.
 
PeppermintPatty said:
Maybe he’s in lust with another person. From what you’re saying, he puts a LOT of effort into the marriage. They do sound like the perfect couple. Bike riding on a bicycle built for two. Counselling sounds so cliche but maybe there’s something they both can discover about each other…. And do it together.
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I don't think he is lusting for anyone in particular. He'd have mentioned it if he was...by name, probly.

And, yes, they've both given a lot in their marriage, but I think they've enjoyed it, do you know what I mean? Like, it didn't take much effort because it was fun stuff...fun for both of them.

So I agree they need to discover something new. And maybe it should be separate interests.
 
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