Moved to new state and not happy - what next?

grapenutpudding

New Member
Location
Cleveland, OH
Well, I am beginning to feel like I'm going crazy. I underestimated how difficult it would be to move to a new city alone at age 60. I've been here about 7 months, can't say I really like it but not sure if I need to give it more time. I haven't been really digging in to life here because part of me is wondering if I should go somewhere else.

I sold my apt. and left a place that was home for 20+ years because I really wanted to get out of there for many reasons. I had a couple of friends as well as a few acquaintances there. I don't really miss the area but am realizing it gave me stability.

I am very homesick for where I grew up and wonder if I should move there, but I don't really have anyone there anymore...my mother died a few years ago and I am estranged from my sister who is there. But that's where my heart is. I think some of the homesickness is yearning for what I had there and lost with loss of family.

Now I am feeling really ungrounded, partly from being alone and partly from being uprooted. I go round and round in my head about what to do and come up blank...give it more time here, go back to where I was most of my adult life and try to resurrect a life there, or go back to area where I grew up and like but have nothing but memories there. Nothing feels right.

I feel I've made a mess of my life now and worry that there's no place for me anywhere now. Can anyone relate?
 

Lon

Well-known Member
Not knowing anything about you (Profiles helps) makes it very difficult to relate or give advice. Single, married, widow,divorced, working, what state etc. etc.
 
Good point Lon. (Other members should take the hint and fill out their profile. Helps all of us; even though not required.)
 

Camper6

Well-known Member
Well, I am beginning to feel like I'm going crazy. I underestimated how difficult it would be to move to a new city alone at age 60. I've been here about 7 months, can't say I really like it but not sure if I need to give it more time. I haven't been really digging in to life here because part of me is wondering if I should go somewhere else.

I sold my apt. and left a place that was home for 20+ years because I really wanted to get out of there for many reasons. I had a couple of friends as well as a few acquaintances there. I don't really miss the area but am realizing it gave me stability.

I am very homesick for where I grew up and wonder if I should move there, but I don't really have anyone there anymore...my mother died a few years ago and I am estranged from my sister who is there. But that's where my heart is. I think some of the homesickness is yearning for what I had there and lost with loss of family.

Now I am feeling really ungrounded, partly from being alone and partly from being uprooted. I go round and round in my head about what to do and come up blank...give it more time here, go back to where I was most of my adult life and try to resurrect a life there, or go back to area where I grew up and like but have nothing but memories there. Nothing feels right.

I feel I've made a mess of my life now and worry that there's no place for me anywhere now. Can anyone relate?
You know what? You are too hard on yourself. I can sympathize with you.

You need to get out and have some fun somewhere. I don't know if you are a golfer, but that's a start. You will be guaranteed to make some friends on a golf course.

Join a group of some sort. A lodge perhaps. A coffee club gang. A fitness club.

Just getting out among other people can relieve the symptoms of being ungrounded even if you don't know them. Somewhere to go something to do.
 

Lon

Well-known Member
You are making it very difficult to be of help given how little we know. Were you married? Do you have children? Do you work? Did you work? What kind? What is your favorite all time movie? What is the last book that you read?
Where did you go on your last vacation? HELP US OUT. Are you a INTROVERT?
 

grapenutpudding

New Member
Location
Cleveland, OH
Original Poster
I see your point and I do have some social contact where I live and that helps. But I think I'm just so confused about where I belong that it seems to take over my thoughts and feelings. I just want to settle down somewhere and have a better life but because I don't really like it here that much, in the back of my mind I am probably pretty sure I will be leaving eventually. I feel so betwixt and between and it's driving me crazy. But I don't know where to go. It even sounds crazy to me.
 

Camper6

Well-known Member
I see your point and I do have some social contact where I live and that helps. But I think I'm just so confused about where I belong that it seems to take over my thoughts and feelings. I just want to settle down somewhere and have a better life but because I don't really like it here that much, in the back of my mind I am probably pretty sure I will be leaving eventually. I feel so betwixt and between and it's driving me crazy. But I don't know where to go. It even sounds crazy to me.
I know what you are going through because I had the same experience. It's difficult to concentrate on the simplest things.

Your mind is being stressed. Have faith in yourself. You are a survivor.
 

grapenutpudding

New Member
Location
Cleveland, OH
Original Poster
You are making it very difficult to be of help given how little we know. Were you married? Do you have children? Do you work? Did you work? What kind? What is your favorite all time movie? What is the last book that you read?
Where did you go on your last vacation? HELP US OUT. Are you a INTROVERT?
I appreciate what you are saying but honestly I don't know what my favorite movie or book has to do with my situation. I have no children, I was married many years ago for a short time but have lived alone since divorcing. I am somewhat introverted but again not sure what that has to do with what I've written. My situation is probably not one you can relate to and that's fine...but thank you for writing and trying to offer help.
 

Happyflowerlady

Vagabond Flowerchild
Location
Northern Alabama
It sounds like you need to take some time to work out where it is that you want to live the most, and even though you are not happy right now where you are, rushing into a decision and moving probably won't make it any better.
Sometimes, these things are just plain hard, and I can relate to what you are saying and feeling, Grapenutpudding.
I grew up in Idaho, moved around a lot, loved the Pacific Coast of Washington and Oregon; but now am living in Alabama because this is where my daughter lives.
My heart lives in Idaho (and always will); but I know I can't handle the snow and below zero temperatures in the winter, and I never want to drive on any more icy roads again.
I would love to live out near the Pacific Ocean; but none of my family is there. So, here I am, and this is probably where I will stay.
If something happened to my daughter, I would be looking at the same dilemma as you are. Besides, my husband has said that he will NEVER move anywhere ever again.
If you can make the trip back to the area where you grew up and spend even a week there, you might be able to have a better idea whether that is where you want to live or not,
You moved from where you were before; so you must have had a good reason to just pack up and move from there.
If nothing else; you can always take a sheet of paper and start writing down all of the benefits of each place, and then all of the drawbacks to each one, and see how the lists look once you get done.
 

SeaBreeze

Endlessly Groovin'
Location
USA
Well, I am beginning to feel like I'm going crazy. I underestimated how difficult it would be to move to a new city alone at age 60. I've been here about 7 months, can't say I really like it but not sure if I need to give it more time. I haven't been really digging in to life here because part of me is wondering if I should go somewhere else.

I sold my apt. and left a place that was home for 20+ years because I really wanted to get out of there for many reasons. I had a couple of friends as well as a few acquaintances there. I don't really miss the area but am realizing it gave me stability.

I am very homesick for where I grew up and wonder if I should move there, but I don't really have anyone there anymore...my mother died a few years ago and I am estranged from my sister who is there. But that's where my heart is. I think some of the homesickness is yearning for what I had there and lost with loss of family.

Now I am feeling really ungrounded, partly from being alone and partly from being uprooted. I go round and round in my head about what to do and come up blank...give it more time here, go back to where I was most of my adult life and try to resurrect a life there, or go back to area where I grew up and like but have nothing but memories there. Nothing feels right.

I feel I've made a mess of my life now and worry that there's no place for me anywhere now. Can anyone relate?
Hi Grapenutpudding, welcome! I don't think 7 months is enough time to judge anything, especially if you've had a negative attitude and not getting into it there. I would recommend that you start a new day tomorrow, new positive outlook and be open-minded. Keep in mind that you really don't miss the other area where you lived, so leave it in the past and live for the now and the future.

I don't think you'll be better off trying to revive a life where you used to live, or going back to where you grew up. You sound like you're torn inside for sure, but just take a deep breath and relax. Give your new environment a fair chance, I don't think you'll regret it. Leave your old way of thinking behind, it's holding you back. You weren't that happy before you moved, so it's crazy to even think about going back there.

I agree with what Camper said, you're being too hard on yourself first of all. You haven't made a mess of your life, so it's best not to think that way and exaggerate things. Getting out around people is priority, join a gym or do some dance classes with other people. Join a senior group that visits local attractions or takes in movies, etc. Whatever you might enjoy, find a way to meet a friend and go from there. Just taking a walk in a local park and chatting with someone can lead to lunch, or an outing.

Get out from under your grey cloud, leave the past behind and stay positive. You'll feel so much better about yourself and your situation will get better quickly. But....you have to decide to do it, decide to do it now, tear down your wall and make your tomorrow a new beginning. Buy a couple of nice plants for the house, buy yourself a colorful shirt, get a new hairdo or color. Remember, we're here to talk to, so let us know your progress. :love_heart:
 

RadishRose

SF VIP
Location
CT USA
Packing up and moving is one of the most stressful things in life; right up there with divorce. At our age, it's even more difficult; only kids can adjust rapidly.

So give yourself a break, you're not going crazy. Maybe give it a little more time and make an effort to meet people as was suggested.

What attracted you to the particular area you moved to in the first place? Are there friends there? If so, invite them over. I wish you luck and if you really can't stand the area, then you'll have to decide where you'll get the most human inter reaction.
 

maggiemae

Member
Location
GA
Your only 60? That is too young to just give up. Go out and make some new friends in your new area. You might be surprised how many have your same feelings. But then again, maybe you need to go home and face whatever demons are waiting. You will never know unless you take that chance. What is the worse that can happen? You go on with your life whatever direction it takes you. I think we have all had regrets at some point in our lives but doing something about it speaks volumes! Make a list of pros and cons for each situation and just go for it!
 

grapenutpudding

New Member
Location
Cleveland, OH
Original Poster
Try your local library. Ours have adult discussion groups, day trips and exercise groups. Good place to meet other people!!
Good advice, thank you but this isn't so much about meeting people. I live in a place where we have a group coffee in the mornings and a happy hour once a week. I do need more connections but I'm so preoccupied about where to live and what I've lost. And I pretty much know this city isn't a fit for me. But will give it another 6 months.
 

grapenutpudding

New Member
Location
Cleveland, OH
Original Poster
It sounds like you need to take some time to work out where it is that you want to live the most, and even though you are not happy right now where you are, rushing into a decision and moving probably won't make it any better.
Sometimes, these things are just plain hard, and I can relate to what you are saying and feeling, Grapenutpudding.
I grew up in Idaho, moved around a lot, loved the Pacific Coast of Washington and Oregon; but now am living in Alabama because this is where my daughter lives.
My heart lives in Idaho (and always will); but I know I can't handle the snow and below zero temperatures in the winter, and I never want to drive on any more icy roads again.
I would love to live out near the Pacific Ocean; but none of my family is there. So, here I am, and this is probably where I will stay.
If something happened to my daughter, I would be looking at the same dilemma as you are. Besides, my husband has said that he will NEVER move anywhere ever again.
If you can make the trip back to the area where you grew up and spend even a week there, you might be able to have a better idea whether that is where you want to live or not,
You moved from where you were before; so you must have had a good reason to just pack up and move from there.
If nothing else; you can always take a sheet of paper and start writing down all of the benefits of each place, and then all of the drawbacks to each one, and see how the lists look once you get done.
I would imagine having family helps and being near them is a good reason to be where you are despite preferring other locales. I guess since I feel utterly alone now with no real connection to this new city (which I chose sight unseen because of lower cost of living and closer to New England where I grew up), it feels strange to be here and I keep questioning whether or not it's for me and don't find myself really settling in. I am really longing for the familiar and comfortable and finding the process of adjusting to a new environment difficult. I've moved a lot in the past and it was easier and I didn't expect this I guess. So part of me thinks of going back to WA where it's familiar and I have a couple of friends but I did want to leave that place and if I did go back I'd choose a different area.

I did go and live where I grew up for almost a year when my mother needed help in 2013/2014 and I enjoyed being there and wanted to move back to be closer to her but then she died and it threw me for a loop. But I still felt attracted to the area and visited it again last year but due to things not going well with my sister, I sort of figured it's better not to move back. So...here I am, in a place I don't really like and just wanting to feel at home somewhere. I agree a list of pros and cons might help me clarify some of my feelings about each place. Thank you Happyflowerlady.
 
Anxiety can make the best of us feel crazy. Under the circumstances, it is perfectly normal that you feel as you do. What works for me when my head swirls at 90 miles an hour, and I can barely think, is to do one thing a day. Just one, doesn't really matter much what it is. The purpose is to build a building block, a small piece of

order amongst the spinning chaos. Over time, my spins decrease, it is easier to face the days, I am able to do more, and my thinking begins to clear. Then I can begin to make decisions. I have learned to avoid making big decisions while I am overwhelmed.
 

grapenutpudding

New Member
Location
Cleveland, OH
Original Poster
Hi Grapenutpudding, welcome! I don't think 7 months is enough time to judge anything, especially if you've had a negative attitude and not getting into it there. I would recommend that you start a new day tomorrow, new positive outlook and be open-minded. Keep in mind that you really don't miss the other area where you lived, so leave it in the past and live for the now and the future.

I don't think you'll be better off trying to revive a life where you used to live, or going back to where you grew up. You sound like you're torn inside for sure, but just take a deep breath and relax. Give your new environment a fair chance, I don't think you'll regret it. Leave your old way of thinking behind, it's holding you back. You weren't that happy before you moved, so it's crazy to even think about going back there.

I agree with what Camper said, you're being too hard on yourself first of all. You haven't made a mess of your life, so it's best not to think that way and exaggerate things. Getting out around people is priority, join a gym or do some dance classes with other people. Join a senior group that visits local attractions or takes in movies, etc. Whatever you might enjoy, find a way to meet a friend and go from there. Just taking a walk in a local park and chatting with someone can lead to lunch, or an outing.

Get out from under your grey cloud, leave the past behind and stay positive. You'll feel so much better about yourself and your situation will get better quickly. But....you have to decide to do it, decide to do it now, tear down your wall and make your tomorrow a new beginning. Buy a couple of nice plants for the house, buy yourself a colorful shirt, get a new hairdo or color. Remember, we're here to talk to, so let us know your progress. :love_heart:
Thanks for the welcome Seabreeze! So you don't think 7 months is long enough.. I sort of don't either and will give it a year but I also don't want to waste more time here. I think I will try and explore more and see how I feel about the whole area. I'm too tired to move again right now anyway. But I think being so alone now makes everything seem pointless and I feel like I don't know where I belong anymore. I guess uprooting myself has stirred up a lot of feelings and I'm having trouble dealing with them all.

You're right...I haven't given this place much of a chance and I probably won't want to stay but I do feel I should make more of the time I spend here wither it's six more months or several years. I may not be thinking clearly - my desire to go back to where I moved from is a desire for the familiar and comfortable but also it's where I had roots and connection which I am lacking now. Thanks for the kind words and good advice!
 

grapenutpudding

New Member
Location
Cleveland, OH
Original Poster
Packing up and moving is one of the most stressful things in life; right up there with divorce. At our age, it's even more difficult; only kids can adjust rapidly.

So give yourself a break, you're not going crazy. Maybe give it a little more time and make an effort to meet people as was suggested.

What attracted you to the particular area you moved to in the first place? Are there friends there? If so, invite them over. I wish you luck and if you really can't stand the area, then you'll have to decide where you'll get the most human inter reaction.
I guess I didn't realize I was too old to do this easily! It's nice to hear you say that.

I picked this place sight unseen - lower cost of living, closer to New England where I grew up. I don't know anyone here but live in a building where there is some community involvement/social things. But...I think I feel I have to always put on a happy front and tell them I'm loving it here and everything is OK. But it's not and I wish I had some people to talk to who are new or adjusting to the place as I am.

Thanks for the advice!
 

grapenutpudding

New Member
Location
Cleveland, OH
Original Poster
Welcome, Grapenutpudding. Give yourself a time goal, say to the end of the 12 months, and if you aren't happier then, make a change. Having a time frame may give you some relief in the present and allow you to make plans.
Thanks jujube...I almost tried to pick that username as I use to LOVE jujubes candy. Anyway...that is a good plan. I think I will re-evaluate after about a year (in 6 more months or so) and try and get more out of being here in the meantime.
 

grapenutpudding

New Member
Location
Cleveland, OH
Original Poster
Your only 60? That is too young to just give up. Go out and make some new friends in your new area. You might be surprised how many have your same feelings. But then again, maybe you need to go home and face whatever demons are waiting. You will never know unless you take that chance. What is the worse that can happen? You go on with your life whatever direction it takes you. I think we have all had regrets at some point in our lives but doing something about it speaks volumes! Make a list of pros and cons for each situation and just go for it!
Thanks Maggiemae...I think it would be good to know other people who share some of these feelings. I guess I mostly keep them bottled in when I'm around "real" people. ; ) I don't want to be a downer and I pretend everything is fine when it's not.
 


Top