"My best is not good enough", (a parents lament)

Knight said:
Thanks for taking the time to explain. I think in one of your other posts you mentioned your daughter is 35 years old . That would mean the situation you described was 23 years ago.
By now your daughter should have matured enough to look back or review her life & the way things came about. Hopefully she has matured enough to use the years of different experiences to evaluate the why of the relationship she missed with you.
Still time to enjoy a close relationship if somehow there is a way to let go of the past.
Click to expand...
Through my fathers rights campaigning I met both fathers who had been long estranged, and one way or another some people who had become estranged from their parent/father all caused by the pressure they felt they were under from the "custodial parent, (or "residential parent" as they're called now).

In many of those cases it was only when the alienating parent was no longer around, (maybe they'd died or left the country or something), that the relationship with the non residential parent started up again, and some said "it was as though they had never been estranged"!

I dont know whether the same would be true in the case of my daughter or not, but undoubtedly its in her hand now, (or the lap of the God, if the other possible factor is how it lies).
 
grahamg said:
Through my fathers rights campaigning I met both fathers who had been long estranged, and one way or another some people who had become estranged from their parent/father all caused by the pressure they felt they were under from the "custodial parent, (or "residential parent" as they're called now).

In many of those cases it was only when the alienating parent was no longer around, (maybe they'd died or left the country or something), that the relationship with the non residential parent started up again, and some said "it was as though they had never been estranged"!

I dont know whether the same would be true in the case of my daughter or not, but undoubtedly its in her hand now, (or the lap of the God, if the other possible factor is how it lies).
Click to expand...
It's obvious the separation has caused you a lot of emotional pain. But as you age continuing to try to establish a meaningful connection seems to me to be worth the time it might take you. While rejection hurts you have nothing to lose by continuing to try & everything to gain. At least you will know in your heart that you didn't fail to try.
 
grahamg said:
Haven't I done that to your satisfaction?

...(what's up with you, have you checked lately whether or not you're the same man you used to be?!)...
Click to expand...
I was wondering the same about you. I know you can be a bit salty, but bloody 'ell, dude mate.

You've posted about this issue time and again. Some of us follow and are as familiar with it as we can be where public forums are concerned, but none of us are in your shoes. All anyone here can do is offer empathy, comfort, a relatable quote or similar experience, and of course, certain assumptions - we here are all different, and again, not in your shoes. You have nothing to gain from this by being unkind, Graham.
 
Murrmurr said:
I was wondering the same about you. I know you can be a bit salty, but bloody 'ell, dude mate.

You've posted about this issue time and again. Some of us follow and are as familiar with it as we can be where public forums are concerned, but none of us are in your shoes. All anyone here can do is offer empathy, comfort, a relatable quote or similar experience, and of course, certain assumptions - we here are all different, and again, not in your shoes. You have nothing to gain from this by being unkind, Graham.
Click to expand...
Okay, reasonable post, thank you.

Above you will read the very kind views of a forum friend, (one I often call my "forum hero" and mean it, and he doesn't disappoint).

However, even here, with his suggestion "moving on" is the way to go, "nothing to be gained by not doing so" etc., very kind and well meaning post, that many would echo I know, has I still think fallen into the trap of believing all should behave in a certain fashion.

We're not really here on this earth to behave just as others do are we, (I know I'm slightly misconstruing his words, but the "move on" comment could be applied to almost everyone in almost every circumstances where something has gone wrong in their lives).

A man called Bill McClaren, a truly great Scotsman, and much loved as a BBC commentator fulfilling the role for many decades. None could match him, nor probably ever will for his wit, humour, personality, warmth and appeal across the globe, wherever rugby union is played, this man I would like to tell you, had an answer when folks told him to "move on" concerning the early death of one of his two daughters due to cancer.

He said no, he was not about to "move on" so far as the death of this girl aged forty, and he would always believe it to be wrong, (or words to that effect).

Similarly, (if I can link myself to such a great sportsman and human being), telling me to move on when I believe everything I'm saying is true, and repeating everything, or aspects of what happened over my daughter as often as I choose is hurting no one, is up to me.

It may not achieve anything, but how many of us can claim our endeavours in life have really "added up to a whole lot of beans", so I'll do as I please on this, (if no one minds, or even if some do, because this is my decision, as it was Bill McClaren's decision to take the attitude he did concerning his own daughter).
 
grahamg said:
A man called Bill McClaren, a truly great Scotsman, much loved as a BBC commentator, fulfilling the role for many decades, and none could match him, nor probably ever will for his wit, humour, personality, warmth and appeal across the globe, wherever rugby union is played, this man had an answer when folks told him to "move on" concerning the early death of one of his two daughters due to cancer.

He said no, he was not about to "move on" so far as the death aged forty of this girl, he would always believe it to be wrong, (r words to that effect).

Similarly, (if I can link myself to such a great sportsman and human being), telling me to move on when I believe everything I'm saying is true, and repeating everything, or aspects of what happened over my daughter as often as I choose, is hurting no one.

It may not achieve anything, but how many of us can claim our endeavours in life have really "added up to a whole lot of beans", so I'll do as I please on this, (if no one minds, or even if some do, because this is my decision, as it was Bill McClaren's decision to take the attitude he did concerning his own daughter).
Click to expand...
Your daughter is not dead. You may be dead to her, but she's not dead. Dead is really the end, and where there is life there can be hope. Don't get pissy with me; down, boy.
 
Knight said:
It's obvious the separation has caused you a lot of emotional pain. But as you age continuing to try to establish a meaningful connection seems to me to be worth the time it might take you. While rejection hurts you have nothing to lose by continuing to try & everything to gain. At least you will know in your heart that you didn't fail to try.
Click to expand...
We can all get things wrong in so many ways cant we.

For my part I did not appreciate how much my own mother did for me, (though I believe she never held this against me). She benefitted when developing a lovely relationship with my daughter, all built upon the foundation of my regular contact with my daughter, and taking her on many contact visits to grandma and grandads farmhouse for a very nice roast dinner, (my mother being a dab hand at these having raised seven kinds and all!).

Before anyone jumps in with the comment, "See you were taking your daughter to the home of old people. grandparents too often", (my daughter requested I take her there more often than I did.

My mother said she thought it was because her granddaughter needed to be peaceful, (or "some peace"), though my parents were known for falling out generally, but maybe not so often as they got older, and being entertained by such an engaging grandchild, (mum spoiling her to death too wouldn't harm would it!).

There we go, it is what it is, and furthermore, regardless of what anyone here thinks, "this is a success story" in the sense that I have a daughter who is the bees knees when it comes to achievement, and I'm doubting anyone here can quite match it, even with all your no doubt wonderful children and grandchildren. :)
 
grahamg said:
Okay, reasonable post, thank you. Above you will read the very kind views of a forum friend, (one I often call my "forum hero" and mean it, and he doesn't disappoint). However, even here, with his suggestion "moving on" is the way to go, "nothing to be gained by not doing so" etc., very kind and well meaning post, that many would echo I know, has I still think fallen into the trap of believing all should behave in a certain fashion. We're not really here on this earth to behave just as others do are we, (I know I'm slightly misconstruing his words, but the "move on" comment could be applied to almost everyone in almost every circumstances where something has gone wrong in their lives).
A man called Bill McClaren, a truly great Scotsman, and much loved as a BBC commentator fulfilling the role for many decades. None could match him, nor probably ever will for his wit, humour, personality, warmth and appeal across the globe, wherever rugby union is played, this man I would like to tell you, had an answer when folks told him to "move on" concerning the early death of one of his two daughters due to cancer.

He said no, he was not about to "move on" so far as the death of this girl aged forty, and he would always believe it to be wrong, (or words to that effect).

Similarly, (if I can link myself to such a great sportsman and human being), telling me to move on when I believe everything I'm saying is true, and repeating everything, or aspects of what happened over my daughter as often as I choose is hurting no one, is up to me.

It may not achieve anything, but how many of us can claim our endeavours in life have really "added up to a whole lot of beans", so I'll do as I please on this, (if no one minds, or even if some do, because this is my decision, as it was Bill McClaren's decision to take the attitude he did concerning his own daughter).
Click to expand...
About Bill McClaren:
"Rugby commentator. Born in Hawick, his father having come to the town to work in the knitwear industry, McLaren played rugby for his home town and for the South of Scotland. His career ended after catching tuberculosis while serving in Italy during World War II. He spent 19 months in the sanatorium at East Fortune in East lothian and his life was undoubtedly saved by the use of a new drug - streptomycin. It was here he gave his first sports commentary for hospital radio. McLaren went on to train as a Physical Education teacher in Aberdeen, teaching in local primary schools until 1987 as well as coaching his favoured sport. In 1953 McLaren began a second career as a commentator with BBC Scotland. Known for his thorough preparation before matches and encyclopaedic knowledge of the game, he was to become 'the voice of rugby' on BBC radio and television for the next fifty years.

McLaren was honoured with an MBE (1992) and an OBE (1995). In 2000, he received the Royal Television Society Sports Award for outstanding contributions to broadcasting and, in 2001, was the first to be inducted into the International Rugby Hall of Fame who was not a player for international standing. He finally retired from the BBC in 2002, with his final commentary at the Melrose Sevens, and was awarded a CBE in the 2003 New Year Honours List. His autobiography The Voice of Rugby appeared in 2004."

A report:
https://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/obituary-bill-mclaren-most-famous-1940738

More on Bill McClaren:
https://www.ruck.co.uk/20-of-the-best-quotes-from-the-voice-of-rugby-bill-mclaren/

At work commentating:

Talking about his life:
 

Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top