My Dad Stalks me Online

ronk

ronk

Member
I recently got into a confrontation with my Dad on Facebook. That incident capsulized our painful lifetime relationship. My Dad was physically and emotionally abusive. The physical abuse stopped when I was 16 and able to push him away. The emotional abuse continues. Dad is 91. My mother suffered numerous emotional challenges, and had to go to a hospital for treatment almost every year till I was 16. She had a huge "breakdown," and was taken away. My parents divorced soon after.

My Dad follows me on Facebook and YouTube. I haven't done much on YouTube in recent years. I have a very small following on Facebook. I try to keep things positive, but sometimes I vent. Dad sometimes comments on my posts. Dad says my depression and stress are excuses to act badly. He asks me to do things I don't want or can't do, and lashes out when I don't do them. Recently my brother had to leave our apartment building and move to a nursing home. Dad told me to settle my brother's affairs, and try to sell my brother's air conditioner. I told Dad I was extremely stressed, and unable to handle even my own affairs.

All of this came to a head the other day, thanks to a Facebook post. I said that I hadn't heard from my Dad for a month. I said it's probably because he didn't need me any more since my brother has settled into his new home. Dad got angry and posted that I was lying about his family. I posted that I had bought a bottle of Fireball Whisky and drank the whole bottle. I got massively drunk, sick and blacked out. Dad accused me of being an alcoholic, etc. Frankly I am shocked that he would post such stuff, publicly, on Facebook.

As the fight continued, one of my cousins started posting. She posted "neutral" responses. They didn't appear to support either me or Dad. I finally told Dad I was tired of arguing, and "un-friended" him on Facebook. For now, I believe the best thing is to keep a distance, and not interact.
 

Why would you post about getting drunk on FB or anything else so personal? Of course its best to keep a distance and do not engage. When people show you who they are, believe them! I cannot believe what people post on FB and then get upset with the responses! I have a niece who posts her business and personal comings and goings on FB. I tell her she is going to come home one day and find herself robbed of everything!. I have a FB page but keep it to follow high school friends who I have not got to see since high school and college. I enjoy seeing their pics of their "grands"and new pics of my own "grands". Stay away from toxic people, even of they are family!
 
I don't understand why you're interacting with your Dad. He has caused you nothing but pain and heartache. He will NOT change. Carrying on a fight on Facebook is stupid and a waste of time. You don't have to read his posts. BLOCK/UNFRIEND HIM so he can't read what you wrote. Stop commenting about him. Stop responding to him.

And posting on Facebook about getting drunk isn't really smart either.

Are you a glutton for punishment??!! Do you like negativity and drama? You're creating your own problems.

You might consider professional counseling. Good luck.
 

My Dad is sometimes unpredictably generous. Recently I mentioned on Facebook that my microwave had died, and posted a link to a new microwave I intended to buy. Dad bought the microwave for me. One time I said I wanted to get a TV for the bedroom so I could watch TV and fall asleep. He bought me a TV for the bedroom. Sometimes he "figuratively" kicks me in the groin, and sometimes he spends a lot of money on me. He's my Dad. Sometimes he can be a real nice guy. I know he's 91, and I just don't know how much time we have left. Dad paid for me to move back to Minnesota so I could be near family again. Within a year, Dad was unable to travel the 60 mile round trip to visit me and my brother. Just this year my brother had to move away so he could get the proper nursing home care.

I have posted some crazy stuff on Facebook. I don't post as much of my personal business as I once did. I've been treated by psychiatrists and counsellors over the past few decades. I'm on antidepressants etc. I get treatment for sleep apnea. It's harder for me to get proper medical and psychiatric care now because I'm so far from Minneapolis & St Paul. I live in a small town. Sometimes my clinic wants to send me away to another city or town for a referral. I don't have a car, and the bus won't go that far, etc.
 
I've vastly reduced my online presence. I don't make any more YouTube videos. I only use Facebook to connect with a few friends, and some new relatives I discovered while working on the Ancestry web site.
 
ronknights said:
I've vastly reduced my online presence. I don't make any more YouTube videos. I only use Facebook to connect with a few friends, and some new relatives I discovered while working on the Ancestry web site.
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Ron, if you can't leave FB for whatever reason, and it sounds like you're dad is probably at his ripe old age genuinely caring for your wellbeing, but it's upsetting you.

How about you speak to him and explain you can't have him upsetting you in front of friends, and you had no choice, and you'll only speak to him in person of by phone?

However Ron...I'm going to be blunt here... if you're still acting like stroppy teenager, and causing your old dad upset and worry by making posts about drinking a whole bottle of alcohol, and accepting gifts from him when it suits you... you need to really start growing up. Sorry I don't mean to cause you upset, but it seems to me you're creating half of this angst yourself and a 91 year old man doesn't need to be still supporting you, only to have you throw a tantrum when he disagrees with your comments in public.!! I can tell by your post that you care for him and he for you, so this ridiculous behaviour has surely got to stop!! let an old man live his life out in peace ..and you too...
 
hollydolly you're really off-base here. I don't ask my Dad to support me financially or emotionally. Dad only spends money when he wants to. Dad doesn't show caring. He ignores me when I speak about my difficulties. If he wants me to do something, he will not accept anything but "yes." I've actually done a great deal for my Dad. I've provided tech support for decades, even though he mostly fights me or ignores my advice. When I help him, he actually makes things incredibly difficult. Even when I succeed in helping him, he's likely to say later that I screwed things up. Over the last 18+ years I set out to get married, dealt with a divorce, rebuilt my life. I didn't ask Dad for money. I knew not to ask for emotional support.
 
I was just going by what you said yourself in that ''he can be unpredictably generous'' when you've mentioned that you need something ...

However Ron...I'm sorry you suffered the abuse you did as a child, truly sorry, I went through the same thing, and my mother died due to the abuse of my father after having several breakdowns...so I do really feel for you. I cut my father completely out of my life after my mother died!!

For you, I feel that you did best to block your father on FB if it's causing you angst... and just get on with your life, as best as you can being a victim of child abuse is always going to leave deep scars and at this time in your life you don't need those old scars continually reopened ..
 
Ron, re: microwave & TV I'm guessing he has thrown that in your face. I'm also guessing (since it appears he has resources) he's using his estate as a weapon.

Your father is an abusive, manipulative, controlling old man who likes to cause stress for others. He resents the happiness and peaceful lives of others. He will NOT change.

My father was similar and he also used religion to beat people over the head. Most outsiders thought he was great, but he was miserable most of his life (88 yrs). My siblings and I periodically distanced ourselves from him for long periods of time in order to keep our sanity and I don't regret it for a minute.
 
ronknights said:
I recently got into a confrontation with my Dad on Facebook.

All of this came to a head the other day, thanks to a Facebook post. I said that I hadn't heard from my Dad for a month. I said it's probably because he didn't need me any more since my brother has settled into his new home. Dad got angry and posted that I was lying about his family.
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It sounds like your snarky comment about your father led to the confrontation you had, I'm sure as you were posting it you knew there would be some negative reaction on his part. I personally think that any private family commentary like you had should be made in person or by phone, at best a private email.....not on a public social media site like Facebook.

If you really drank a whole bottle of whiskey, it was a foolish move on your part, you should at least care more about your health than to do that. If you just posted that to get a reaction from your dad, and you didn't drink all that whiskey, it's a childish thing to do.

I don't know if being on Facebook for you is a good thing, it seems to bring out negativity and not be helpful to your overall well-being. Your father seems controlling, but honestly, you could stop that if you wanted to, but it appears you've been allowing it and letting his orders affect you in a bad way for a long time, instead of ignoring them.

I suggest you give yourself a break from Facebook and your father, both seem to be hurtful for you and not very positive in your life. Only you have the power to make some changes in your life and attitude about life, head toward the positive, it's for your own good. Good luck, and take care of yourself.
 
hollydolly, no worries. Thanks for the words of support. I express my feelings, dreams and interests online. I gained quite the following on YouTube with my videos. Then the bullies jumped in and I almost had a couple breakdowns. Eventually I felt irrelevant. Online personalities all too often fade away quickly. I was actually around maybe 4 years before I finally retired. Yes, I sometimes posted videos about stupid stuff. I did a couple "drunken haircut" videos. I cut my hair in front of the camera, and posted the videos. My Dad hated those, but many of my friends found the haircut videos hilarious.

I've lost some family members and never had the chance to say goodbye. I found out my mother died, a year after she died. She didn't always respond to my letters, for months at a time. I sent her a letter telling her I was married when I was 49. Her nursing home gave me the news, One brother got drunk, got on a bus, and travelled from Minnesota to California. He was lost on Skid Row for a couple years and almost died. He returned, totally devastated, in 1980. He was obviously an alcoholic and diabetic. He lost a leg to gangrene, and died in 1987. We'd had a fight because of the way he terrorized my mom during a visit. I hadn't spoken to him for a year before he died.

applecruncher, yet, you're right. Dad gave me lots of furniture when I first moved. I am so heavy that I broke some wooden chairs just sitting on them. I threw them out, and he harassed me for that. He gave me an office chair that he bought for $75. The hydraulic fluid ran out, and the chair kept sinking. I threw out the chair and bought another one. He complained about all the chairs I threw away.

Dad bought me an iMac in 2014, for my birthday after I moved to MN. I convinced Dad that Macs are better than PCs. He bought a Mac for himself and struggled to learn how to use it. He came to me for help a few times, and wouldn't listen to much of my advice. Then he spent hundreds of dollars with one of those "blackmail" outfits that infect your computer then offer you tech support, etc.
 
seabreeze, I share various aspects of my life with friends and relatives. Yes, at times, my choices have been wrong. It wasn't a large bottle of whisky. I couldn't afford the larger one. It's called Fireball whisky, and tastes like Atomic Fireball candy. The taste easily fooled me... it was almost like drinking soda. It took awhile for the full effect of the whisky to hit me. I honestly don't know how I got undressed, and got into bed. I woke up, slid out of bed, onto my butt, and slid on my back into the living room. It took a long time. It took a tremendous effort to stand up and get to the computer. I have never blacked out like that in my life. Part of me wanted to reach out to the Real Word just to assure myself I'd be ok. Yes, that was a foolish thing to do. But I won't continue to beat myself over it. I paid for my foolishness with sickness. I never used the whisky event as a dig to my Dad.

Facebook remains my last online refuge after I quit making YouTube videos. I maintain contact with some friends around the world. I've known them for around a decade. And I connected with a second cousin when I did an Ancestry DNA test. We may likely never meet in person. She lives in Hawaii and I live in Minnesota.

The best thing now is to maintain a distance from my Dad. We exchanged one email in the last month and a half. If we have an argument I usually bail out fast.
 
I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but my guess would be that your dad is a manic depressive and you, I don’t know, but off hand, I would guess that you are suffering a few different psychosis’s. Stay on your medication.

I have known many people that were raised in a dysfunctional family and it continued well into their adulthood. Continued treatment and counseling would be my suggestion, but like I wrote earlier, I am not a professional person that deals with mental disorders.
 
ronknights, I'm really sorry. It sounds like the abuse you suffered has given you continued struggles. Your dad sounds toxic and no matter that he has purchased a few things his abuse is what matters.

Edit: Does her acknowledge or "remember" the abuse? Or does he think he was a wonderful father?
 
911, oh my gosh, where in the heck did you get an idea about psychosis?! I totally know what Reality is and who I am. I am an introvert. I grew up knowing my Dad might hit me or my brothers at any time. My mother was never really there for us emotionally or physically. She said my Dad (a Minister) was an Agent of Satan. Dad's mission was to drive Mom insane by having children! When she flipped out, she started fires as a way to get close to Satan! My Mom's parents were religious crackpots. My Dad's parents were alcoholics. Dad's father died of cancer of the mouth. He couldn't eat, so he starved to death.

For several years, during junior high school and high school, my brother and I were harassed by a gang of bullies (at least 6, including boys and girls) on the way to school, at school, and on the way home. Add the school bullies to my abusive father and mother. It's a wonder I'm still here.

I've made it a point to be family with psychology and psychiatry. Much of my knowledge comes from direct experience with family! I've been taking medications for depression, anxiety, high blood pressure...and have a BiPap machine for Sleep Apnea. I sometimes have trouble sleeping. Some days I black out all the time... I finally get tired of struggling and take a nap. I didn't get any sleep at all last night. Now it's almost Noon, and I'm going to try taking a nap.
 
You need help, man. You have serious issues to put to rest, and the fact that you not only still have contact with your dad but, indeed, bait him, online, speaks volumes about the depth of your problem. Get help!
 
treeguy64, I don't bait my Dad. My Dad is nice at times... then something sets him off. I don't waste time finding ways to upset him.
 
You know your dad, I take it. You should know, after all of these years, if you post "X," then he's going to respond with "Y." Ultimately, he's a huge negative in your life. If you're a glutton for punishment, when it comes to your parent, and one other SF member had a similar issue (which she bemoaned, in here), then just keep on keepin' on. If you honestly want to end this cycle on, cycle off, of abuse, let the old guy alone, for good!
 
You make assumptions that are not true. My Dad is a strong man. No one bullies him or convinces him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I go to Facebook to share experiences and thoughts with my friends. I don't go their to bait my Dad. I said one thing, in many months, that Dad reacted to. Dad doesn't always respond to my Facebook posts. Once and awhile he is inspired to buy me something. I always express my gratitude. He is my Dad. He is not perfect, and neither am I. I don't spend my life going over past pains or disappointments. I don't harbor anger for past misdeeds, etc.

After this recent disagreement I walked away. Eventually Dad might reach out, considering that it's the Holidays. I'll respond, in a positive manner.
 
ronknights said:
You make assumptions that are not true. My Dad is a strong man. No one bullies him or convinces him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I go to Facebook to share experiences and thoughts with my friends. I don't go their to bait my Dad. I said one thing, in many months, that Dad reacted to. Dad doesn't always respond to my Facebook posts. Once and awhile he is inspired to buy me something. I always express my gratitude. He is my Dad. He is not perfect, and neither am I. I don't spend my life going over past pains or disappointments. I don't harbor anger for past misdeeds, etc.

After this recent disagreement I walked away. Eventually Dad might reach out, considering that it's the Holidays. I'll respond, in a positive manner.
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I hope your father reaches out in a positive way, and if you respond in a positive manner that is good, the way it should be. Wishing you and your father's relationship improves and thrives in the new year.
 
One drunken incident doesn't make a drunk. I usually only have maybe 4 beers a month. Sometimes I go months without any alcohol at all. Relationships can be complicated. It might be easy to totally push someone out of your life because of past pain. My Dad has grown, somewhat. Sometimes he's the intelligent guy I remember, and we share similar interests. We had some excellent travel adventures, and fun working on cars, in the past. Our biggest handicap is his apparent insistence that he can't tolerate weakness. One solution is to limit exposure. We don't communicate every day. I know Dad is busy. He married his 3rd wife back in 1980. They live near his wife's family. They have a whole cast of relations that I don't know.

I usually just do my own thing. If Dad calls or emails, I talk to him. We usually have decent conversations. We don't fight. It's the emails that sometimes get us in trouble. I have reached out to the cousin who got involved in the Facebook argument. I want some insight into what went on, and how she got involved. I asked if I should be concerned about Dad. He's still my Dad. Who knows how much time we have left.
 


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