My ex-husband suffered a stroke.

Ronni said:
@Happy Heart thank you. That sounds exactly like the procedure he had!
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How is he doing today? He may have a long recovery road ahead of him, depending on his damage, so be patient with him. I'm glad you are talking to your children since this is part of life and will by watching you.
I just looked at my prior post and must apologized for the words I left out, must learn not to respond when I'm tired. LOL, senior moments - even without a stroke.
 

Happy Heart said:
How is he doing today? He may have a long recovery road ahead of him, depending on his damage, so be patient with him. I'm glad you are talking to your children since this is part of life and will by watching you.
I just looked at my prior post and must apologized for the words I left out, must learn not to respond when I'm tired. LOL, senior moments - even without a stroke.
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Thanks for asking @Happy Heart ❤️

He is a State away..his kids an I are in Nashville Tn and he’s in a hospital in Birmingham Alabama. His sister and brother are in touch with the hospital, though they live one to several hours away also, and are letting me know the latest as it happens.

This from his sister just a few minutes ago
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Hi Ronni,
I talked to xxxxx’s nurse at 11:30 am your time. No change, still on ventilator, still sedated, vitals good, no plans for any changes today, just resting.
 
It’s been a week.

He’s still in critical condition, in ICU, still intubated and unconscious. They still haven’t determined the extent of the brain damage.

A cat scan of this morning showed no further change, still no bleeding so that’s good. His pulmonary situation is concerning. They are keeping a very close eye on his breathing to make sure his lungs are clear and that he gets enough oxygen. No prediction about how long it might take to recover.

They have removed sedation meds, and are trying to get a reaction to commands, such as opening eyes, etc. but so far nothing.
 

The family (his brother, sister, and one of the kids) have been having the WORST time attempting to speak with the doctors overseeing his case. Lots of very caring communication from the nurses, but they can only comment on his current condition and not prognosis, treatment plan, concerns etc. it has taken 9 days of promises to call, messages relayed to the doctors etc before his sister FINALLY got a call from the neurosurgeon assigned to his case. NINE DAYS!

It seems that unless someone camps out by his bedside 24/7 in order to be around when the docs do their daily rounds, it’s virtually impossible to get routine updates from the docs, no matter how often you call. The hospital may be well renowned with a fantastic reputation for excellent medical care, but their customer relations just sucks! 😡

This is the latest from his sister as of yesterday:

This is the latest from Randy’s sister:


Dr. Schmalz, the main neurosurgeon called me at last. He said that Randy was in very dire circumstances when he came to the hospital….lungs, heart, brain all in distress. He said 1/3 of patients in his condition don’t make it to the hospital.

Randy has made some positive progress…breathing better, pulse better, etc. goal now is to stably reduce sedation, get him off vent and try to get responses. He said they rate these patients from 1 to 5….Randy would be a 4 or 5….the worst.

Right now, it is not unusual that he isn’t responding…several weeks more, and he would have to reassess. Nice man, very informative. He will call me if any significant change.
 
Things aren’t looking good. In spite of being off all sedation and paralytics, he remains unresponsive.

His sister talked to a doctor yesterday, not the head neurosurgeon on his case, but one of the doctors, and the news was not encouraging. He said the neuro doc would probably want to talk to us soon in person.

I’m not sure what that means other than clearly there needs to be a discussion of next steps. I don’t know the extent of the damage to his brain but indications are that it’s extensive. His brother and one of my children plan to meet with the doctor sometime later this week.

The kids are having a rough time with this.
 
Ronni said:
Things aren’t looking good. In spite of being off all sedation and paralytics, he remains unresponsive.

His sister talked to a doctor yesterday, not the head neurosurgeon on his case, but one of the doctors, and the news was not encouraging. He said the neuro doc would probably want to talk to us soon in person.

I’m not sure what that means other than clearly there needs to be a discussion of next steps. I don’t know the extent of the damage to his brain but indications are that it’s extensive. His brother and one of my children plan to meet with the doctor sometime later this week.

The kids are having a rough time with this.
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I'm sorry Ronni, doesn't sound good at all. Thinking of you and your family....hugs.
 
Ronni said:
Things aren’t looking good. In spite of being off all sedation and paralytics, he remains unresponsive.

His sister talked to a doctor yesterday, not the head neurosurgeon on his case, but one of the doctors, and the news was not encouraging. He said the neuro doc would probably want to talk to us soon in person.

I’m not sure what that means other than clearly there needs to be a discussion of next steps. I don’t know the extent of the damage to his brain but indications are that it’s extensive. His brother and one of my children plan to meet with the doctor sometime later this week.

The kids are having a rough time with this.
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I'm so sorry to hear the news. Wishing you and your family peace and that the suffering will end soon. The cycle of life isn't always easy so all we can do is pray for peace and understanding.
 
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The kids and I are gonna gather at my daughter’s house tomorrow after work. They are all dealing with this in their own way, but they’ve always been there for each other and they really need the support right now.

Honestly it’s killing me that they are all struggling. If my ex had left a living will or some kind of End of Life directive they wouldn’t be dealing with this as severely as they are.

I hate him for that.
 
Ronni said:
The kids and I are gonna gather at my daughter’s house tomorrow after work. They are all dealing with this in their own way, but they’ve always been there for each other and they really need the support right now.

Honestly it’s killing me that they are all struggling. If my ex had left a living will or some kind of End of Life directive they wouldn’t be dealing with this as severely as they are.

I hate him for that.
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My heart goes out to all of you. You have a lot on your plate, but it's good you are there for the kids during this time. I agree, a living will/end of life directive is the way to go. Sending you strength and love Ronni. :(
 
Ronni—-I have been involved in a few near death situations where no living will or end of life directive was available. I can only talk about Pennsylvania law, but the way it works here is that the doctor who is in charge of the patient’s case will ask that the five (5) oldest family members or the oldest family member will chose four (4) other family members will meet together and make the decision as how they want the doctor to proceed. Once the decision has been made, the family’s decision should be (doesn’t have to be) spelled out in an affidavit and signed by the five (5) family members and then notarized with a witness also signing.

That’s the best I can remember, but a signed affidavit from the family will act in place of a Living Will in Pennsylvania. Doctors are usually very fussy people snd try to avoid all legal avenues where they can be held accountable for making decisions on their own. In most cases where I have been involved, doctors will recommend what’s best for the patient, but will not take charge and do as they please.

I should also add that the patient’s age is also a very important consideration that should be considered. I think the male’s life expectancy today is around 73 y/o. Women are somewhere around 78 y/o. Those are the last numbers I remember reading. My point is that life expectancy is taken into consideration in these instances. If your ex-husband is 73 or older and the family’s wishes are to let him go if he has very little chance of a return to a somewhat normal life, (can feed himself, dress himself and speak somewhat coherently). the doctor would be legally bound to abide by the family’s wishes.

It’s a tough decision that I wouldn’t want to make for another. I’m sorry that your ex’s family has to go through this, but this is part of what families do. We have to act on their behalf when they are not able. It’s best to listen closely to what the factor tells us. I did this for my aunt years ago when she had no one else with her. My uncle (her husband) had already died and they had 1 child who died in a motorcycle accident years earlier. My aunt had a stroke and I was called only because I was listed as her next of kin.

Actually, my dad was, but she wanted me to be her POA because her and my dad were twins and being of the same age, she thought it best to use me. It was a hard decision. The doctor told me even if they could wake her from her coma, it us likely she will never fully recover. I asked to what degree would she recover. The doctor told me that since the stroke was in her right temporal side, it’s unlikely that she would be able to do more than “maybe” feed herself and walk. She probably will never speak again or know many of us.

I told the doctor to “Let’s give her a chance. Do what you can to wake her and then try some rehab.” My aunt lived another almost 5 years and did better than the doctor thought she would. She spent her last 5 years in a nursing home, but I made sure we all took turns visiting. I didn’t want her to just lie in bed waiting to die. When I visited her, I would be in uniform. She would look at me snd give me a big smile. The nurses would say, “She knows you by your uniform.”

Good luck in your decision making.
 
Ronni said:
The kids and I are gonna gather at my daughter’s house tomorrow after work. They are all dealing with this in their own way, but they’ve always been there for each other and they really need the support right now.

Honestly it’s killing me that they are all struggling. If my ex had left a living will or some kind of End of Life directive they wouldn’t be dealing with this as severely as they are.

I hate him for that.
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I'm really sorry he didn't do that. You have every right to hate him for it. It doesn't sound promising. But people can languish for years and years on feeding tubes, essentially brain dead, with no quality of life. I don't know if that is the choice that will be made.
 
I feel bad for saying “I hate him” 😖 I used to, back in the day when he made my life and the kids lives a living hell. It took many years of therapy, self help, support groups and countless hours of introspection to genuinely feel indifferent to him.

His girlfriend/partner was consulted bu one of my ex’s siblings regarding a will or any kind of End Of Life Directive, because he had mentioned a will to one of them several mo the back. The partner said she’d been urging him to come with her when she updated hers, on her dime even, and he kept saying he would but then kept putting it off. She finally went on her own with promises from him that he’d see the lawyer separately. Turns out he didn’t and there is no Will or directives of any kind

My hate for him was re-ignited by this thoughtless, selfish choice, by his utter disregard for how things would play out for his kids should something happen with his health. He’s overweight, heavy smoker since he was in his teens and he’s mid 70’s now, high BP, COPD issues, terrible diet and no regular doctor visits or supervision, so he for sure was a prime candidate for a catastrophic health event.

My kids don’t deserve this, don’t deserve to be struggling with their anguish over having to make decisions no kid should ever have to make for their parent simply because he didn’t make them in advance so that they didn’t have to. 😢

So yeah, I hate him for that. And I also hate him for creating such a situation that I have de-volved in my own emotional healing and landed in a place where I hate him all over again.

I know that’s not rational. I know. I’m working on myself as I stand as a support for my kids. My therapist is on speed dial…literally.

This is just rough.
 
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@Ronni, please don't beat yourself up for something that was brought back up by circumstances that was not of your doing. You didn't cause it to happen.

My Mom had her paperwork in order on top of telling everyone in the family what her wishes were over the years. It made it easier to figure out what to do.

When someone doesn't put anything down in writing, make arrangements or at least verbally make their wishes known to all, they get what others feel is best after medical/legal advise from those they are working with.

Not knowing the laws in the State he is in, I would venture to say the responsibility will fall to the closest blood relative which would be the children. If they are unable or not wanting to make those decisions, it would then go to the next blood relative or someone who would step forward taking responsibility. If no one, then it would be the State.

My heart & prayers go out to you, the kids & the rest of the family.
 
This probably isn't the time to be brutal but you blame him for your kids and your feelings, he chose not to put things in writing but you are choosing to allow him to hurt you again. Don't let yesterday interfere with today and tomorrow, he did what he wanted to and no one can change that so it is time to be like a flower and accept what comes your way. Chose peace - he is the past not the future of you or your children, think what you are teaching them about this life lesson.
 
Happy Heart said:
This probably isn't the time to be brutal but you blame him for your kids and your feelings, he chose not to put things in writing but you are choosing to allow him to hurt you again. Don't let yesterday interfere with today and tomorrow, he did what he wanted to and no one can change that so it is time to be like a flower and accept what comes your way. Chose peace - he is the past not the future of you or your children, think what you are teaching them about this life lesson.
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Yes. In a perfect world this is what I should do and how I should be feeling and what I should be modeling for my kids. But it’s not a perfect world and I’m a flawed and imperfect human and I’m doing my best.
 
If/when your children do have any say in the next steps for your Ex, do they have any responsibility for the medical expenses?
 
Jules said:
If/when your children do have any say in the next steps for your Ex, do they have any responsibility for the medical expenses?
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No, none. There is a social worker assigned to his case who is navigating the Affordable Care Act paperwork for payment. The hospital also has donations they can pull from to help defray costs when indigent patients are admitted.

It is a huge amount of paperwork that his brother is mostly dealing with.
 
Ronni said:
Yes. In a perfect world this is what I should do and how I should be feeling and what I should be modeling for my kids. But it’s not a perfect world and I’m a flawed and imperfect human and I’m doing my best.
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I didn't mean to "should" all over you, but sometimes when lost in the woods, we all need flicker of light. When I was in bad place someone put a to do list in my hand which I held on to for several days, that little paper really kept me on a path when I wasn't capable of thinking for myself. I hope you didn't misunderstand the intent of my post, but sometimes I am more flawed than other times.
Best wishes for all of you.
 

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