My Friend’s Money Issue

911

911

Well-known Member
Location
USA
Last week, I received a call from a fellow that I was in the Marines with. We’ve kept in touch over the years and even met up at one of our reunions and also met in Nashville once. He reminded me that his wife died 3 years ago and he just wanted to get away and thought that he would maybe head out and start driving. He then told me that he always wanted to visit Gettysburg and remembered me talking about it and how close I lived to it at our last reunion, so he thought he would visit here and asked what else is there to do around here. He’s from Oklahoma.

I told him that my wife is away, so why doesn’t he plan on staying with me? After trying to convince him to stay here for a few minutes, he agreed, so I am looking forward to his visit in a few days. During the phone conversation, he told me that last spring, he bought a bunch of lottery tickets and won $2,000,000.00 of which he received $1.45 million. He said that he never told his kids, (he has a son and daughter), but after he got the check and went to the bank, he invited his kids to a dinner at a steakhouse where he lives.

After dinner, he told the kids how much he won and he wanted to pay off their homes. The son said that he owed about $280,000.00 and the daughter said that she owed about $160,000.00. My friend told the kids no problem that tomorrow he would go to their bank, (both had their mortgages at the same bank), and payoff their homes. He then told me that the next thing he knew, his daughter was raising cane because his son got $120,000.00 more than she did, so he owed her the difference. He asked me what was my opinion.

I told him, “Oh, no. I don’t get involved in family arguments. You guys need to work it out.” He then told me that after listening to the 2 of them going back and forth, he told the both of them to just forget it. He was sorry that he ever brought it up or made the offer. He has now decided that nobody gets anything. He was rescinding the offer. Now, no one is talking to anyone, so that’s why he has decided to take this trip.
 

Yeah, that's a familiar story. Money frequently does that to families. It sometimes brings out the greed in people.
I must be in the minority - I don't look at things like that. My parents bought my brother a business, 3 cars, 3 houses, & also spent a fortune keeping him out of prison after a felony conviction for fraud. (he's been a thief his whole life). They never helped me financially & I couldn't care less.
I just worked & never got into trouble. When our parents died, my brother tried to get everything in our parents' will and trust. We spent 7 years in probate & in the end, he had to sell his house to buy everyone out & pay his legal bills.
 
I would have still paid the son, after all he did nothing to deserve the greedy daughter kicking off and causing him and his family to suffer financially . However the daughter would have got nothing at all..it sounds to me as rhough the daughter would have just gone on wanting more and more money!!!!

I hate greed!!
 

hollydolly said:
I would have still paid the son, after all he did nothing to deserve the greedy daughter kicking off and causing him and his family to suffer financially . However the daughter would have got nothing at all..it sounds to me as rhough the daughter would have just gone on wanting more and more money!!!!

I hate greed!!
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I don’t know why, maybe it’s the cop in me, but I always like to hear the other side of the story. I keep thinking there has to be more to this. After he gets here and we have a chance to talk, maybe I’ll learn more.
 
win231 said:
Yeah, that's a familiar story. Money frequently does that to families. It sometimes brings out the greed in people.
I must be in the minority - I don't look at things like that. My parents bought my brother a business, 3 cars, 3 houses, & also spent a fortune keeping him out of prison after a felony conviction for fraud. (he's been a thief his whole life). They never helped me financially & I couldn't care less.
I just worked & never got into trouble. When our parents died, my brother tried to get everything in our parents' will and trust. We spent 7 years in probate & in the end, he had to sell his house to buy everyone out & pay his legal bills.
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Probate can be very rewarding to the attorney. I’m sure he was thankful.
 
I think you were right to not advise him, because whatever we ourselves might think, might turn out to not be liked by some other family, and to not turn out well for them.

I would try to continue with just being a listener, just hear him out, and hope he comes to some better optional ideas, that he is comfortable with, after he's had some time away from them, and cleared his mind, and gotten some friendship time.

If i were him, i might have given them each a gift of the same amount, and let them decide what to do with it.
But it would be less than the son's mortgage, so that idea would probably make the son mad now.

:ROFLMAO:
 
Bonnie said:
He got 1.45 million .... how about paying both his kids mortgages off, and then a check to the daughter for the $120,000 difference.
He would be left with nearly 1 million dollars after that anyway. Couldn't he survive on that??

Sometimes it's just nice to be poor and not have such troubles.
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He was upset that instead of being grateful, a malicious argument broke out. (His words.) He also told me that it got rather loud and he threw down the money for the check, plus tip and left.
 
911 said:
Now, no one is talking to anyone
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Sometimes things just work out

Reminds me of a poster I created in another life

DCOQO2W.jpg
 
It sometimes behooves me to think that my kids would act like this. My wife and I inherited a great deal from both of our parents . However, the money was set up in trusts and assigned to my sister and myself, along with a few charities. We have not touched a penny of our trusts, but the same can’t be said for my sister.
We have a pretty good attorney and he has assured us that there shouldn’t be any need to worry about probate. But, as I have learned from others, there’s always the unknown.
 
I would have given my children equal amounts, as well. It's unfortunate that it turned ugly, but the weird way he orchestrated this conversation set the stage for drama.

Even adult children can be very sensitive to feeling less loved by parents than a sibling is - whether or not it's true. Why do anything to goose along that kind of resentment?

No way I would make that kind of announcement in a public place, and I surely would have anticipated how to manage the situation if the kids' unpaid mortgages were different amounts.

A generous gesture, but one your friend didn't think through IMHO.
 
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I'm all for balance and fairness. If one child treats me decent and the other treats me badly, the good child will get it all. If one child is careful with money and the other one is wasteful, the responsible child will get most if not all. In this case if both children treated him the same, then his ''gift'' should have been equal in $$. I really don't think the daughter was ''greedy'', it is the principle of the thing, the proposed gifts WERE unfair and lopsided.

Maybe the daughter's mortgage was lower because she could not afford a more expensive house for whatever reason (unless she was a waster and financially irresponsible with her money). Anyway, maybe it's best if you stay out of it and let him fix his own family dysfunction. Maybe he'll end up giving his money to some golddigger down the road.
 
The older generations usually liked to leave the oldest son everything rather than to a daughter,. They figure the son has to support his family, while a daughter should be taken care of by her husband.

Things have changed.

This poor guy spoke before he thought. I think he should tell them to forget about his involvement with their mortgages but instead, give each a check for the same amount of money, whatever he wants.... but making them understand it is a gift to show his affection and share his windfall, but he is NOT considering any mortgages.

Any squawking or disrespect for his kindness; tear up the check and make a will leaving the bulk of his estate to his grandchildren if there are any. Otherwise, name someone else as the beneficiary. JMO
 
Bonnie said:
He got 1.45 million .... how about paying both his kids mortgages off, and then a check to the daughter for the $120,000 difference.
He would be left with nearly 1 million dollars after that anyway. Couldn't he survive on that??

Sometimes it's just nice to be poor and not have such troubles.
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The deal was he would pay off their mortgages and all they had to do was say thank you.
 
Exactly. Pay off the mortgage. Even though the dollar amount isn't equal they both will own their home, not the bank. That's alot more than most wind up from their parents while alive.

I wonder if the father spent money on private school or college and which sibling chose the most expensive one. Should the father pay the difference on that too. This is why the goal of the exercise needs to emphasized, Pay off the mortgage. If the daughter was that huffy about it she should have rejected the offer and proceeded to lobby for the equal amount.

I can relate to the daughter because after seeing certain family members have their messes cleaned up and lifestyle enabled/ paid for by the parents leaving less for everybody it is frustrating. But free money is free money. Can play the righteous indignation game or move on.
 
RadishRose said:
The older generations usually liked to leave the oldest son everything rather than to a daughter,. They figure the son has to support his family, while a daughter should be taken care of by her husband.
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My ex-husband's immediate family still live in Italy. In their region it is the custom that whichever child stays to take care of the parents inherits the house. His sister got married and he lives in the US, so his younger brother married and stayed in the house and runs the vignard. He gets to keep the house and vignard. My ex does not resent it, it is the custom there, he goes to visit for one month every year. I think the fairest thing this guy can do now to mend the relationship is, like you said, give a check for an equal amount to each one and if one refuses it the hell with it.
 
I can only say what I would have done had the same thing happened to me ..... "I had a bit of luck recently. I'm giving each of you 1/2 M ($500,000). The rest is mine to do with as I wish. If there is any left when I'm gone, you're welcome to it but until then, no requests or suggestions for its use."
 


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