My husband is a narcissistic person.

fancicoffee13

fancicoffee13

Senior Member
Location
Texas
We are separated, he came over to get mail and as usual, you NEVER know when that other side will come out! He said some pretty awful things to me, and of course, I stood up to the remarks. But, afterwards, after he is gone, I just find it unbelieveable that he could say such things to someone he claims to love wo much. I guess he had been searching for just the right thing to say in order to hurt me to the core. Well, he make it. And then later he calls and tells me some information he thinks I could benefit from, and in my mind I am wondering if he has any heart or conscience at all. This time he really hurt me a lot. But, I will be ok, I am going to a place that listens and helps me a lot, professionally.
 

fancicoffee13 said:
3 years ago. He covered it up or was able to control himself for a full year, then surprise! Nope, you have the right person.
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yes .. I remember...... oh I'm so sorry for you.. I've heard this before of some people. They often woo a person very fast showering them with affection and gifts then marry before the partner gets to see the bad side of them. :(
 
I'm sure you already know what the most important thing is here, and it seems you have already moved towards it. The need to take care of yourself.

Feelings of disbelief are completely valid, they can eat away at us if we are not careful. I don't really have to say how commendable it is that you stood up for yourself.

I don't know too much about narcissistic people, but perhaps the hiding of it is an equal part of it, and calculated as seems to have been already mentioned by others here.

My personal experiences with people in the past, people I've loved, are with Munchausen Syndrome; bipolar; PTSD; BPD. There seems to be some crossover in some aspects of those illnesses, or at least in my experience with those people who have been in my life. At times they can be so destructive towards people who love or have loved them, but I don't think I need to tell you that either. But others will be reading this thread.

Again, you mention going to a place that helps, professionally. No doubt they will help in putting things into perspective, and I'm sure they will make you feel that you are not alone in this, which can only be a good thing.
 
I'm so sorry your husband treats you this way Fanci. It's good that you are getting the help you need. My former supervisor used to say "consider the source". You know he is a narcissistic person, who probably has no conscience at all and loves only himself. So it's not you...it's him! Question: Why can't his mail be sent to where he lives now? Then you wouldn't have to see him at all. Or if that's not possible, tell him to pick up his mail from the box you left on the porch.
 
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I felt from the beginning you were making a big mistake getting married again, and to this man. Therefore, not surprised at this development. I wish you well, you are a lovely person. You will be fine, and better off without him.

Of course, I never, and did not, say anything at the time.
 
fancicoffee13 said:
We are separated, he came over to get mail and as usual, you NEVER know when that other side will come out! He said some pretty awful things to me, and of course, I stood up to the remarks. But, afterwards, after he is gone, I just find it unbelieveable that he could say such things to someone he claims to love wo much. I guess he had been searching for just the right thing to say in order to hurt me to the core. Well, he make it. And then later he calls and tells me some information he thinks I could benefit from, and in my mind I am wondering if he has any heart or conscience at all. This time he really hurt me a lot. But, I will be ok, I am going to a place that listens and helps me a lot, professionally.
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I am sorry to hear that, you deserve better. I think the only cure for this will be ending contact with him.
Wren said:
Could you not redirect his mail so he dosn’t have to collect it in person Fanci ?
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That's a good idea, just tell him from now on you'll be giving his mail back to the post office and that he needs to do the change of address thing. I would not negotiate, I'd just start doing it, right away. And do what you can to end any other contacts with him... you deserve better!
Pinky said:
Narcissists never change. It's always about "ME, ME, ME!".
Glad you got away. Better late than never.
All the best to you, going forward.
Best for you to go "no contact", if possible.
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Absolutely! You deserve better!! Can't repeat that enough.
 
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Alligatorob said:
I am sorry to hear that, you deserve better. I think the only cure for this will be ending contact with him.

That's a good idea, just tell him that from now on you'll be giving his mail back to the post office and that he needs to do the change of address thing. I would not negotiate, I'd just start doing it, right away. And do what you can to end any other contacts with him... you deserve better!

Absolutely! You deserve better!! Can't repeat that enough.
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Thank you and I will do exactly that.
 
Magna-Carta said:
I'm sure you already know what the most important thing is here, and it seems you have already moved towards it. The need to take care of yourself.

Feelings of disbelief are completely valid, they can eat away at us if we are not careful. I don't really have to say how commendable it is that you stood up for yourself.

I don't know too much about narcissistic people, but perhaps the hiding of it is an equal part of it, and calculated as seems to have been already mentioned by others here.

My personal experiences with people in the past, people I've loved, are with Munchausen Syndrome; bipolar; PTSD; BPD. There seems to be some crossover in some aspects of those illnesses, or at least in my experience with those people who have been in my life. At times they can be so destructive towards people who love or have loved them, but I don't think I need to tell you that either. But others will be reading this thread.

Again, you mention going to a place that helps, professionally. No doubt they will help in putting things into perspective, and I'm sure they will make you feel that you are not alone in this, which can only be a good thing.
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You said it very well. It is beyond me, I have never in my life, had to deal with this kind of disorder and it makes me want to help him but by prayer and from a distance for sure for my sake. I am going to get a divorce. We discussed that as well last night.
 
fancicoffee13 said:
You said it very well. It is beyond me, I have never in my life, had to deal with this kind of disorder and it makes me want to help him but by prayer and from a distance for sure for my sake. I am going to get a divorce. We discussed that as well last night.
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@fancicoffee13 I‘ve been there, the want of helping the person I loved at the time. But I as a mere mortal don’t have the skills to help these types of personalities, and some have the ability to ‘destroy’ us in the end if we are not careful. This type of thing is best left to the professionals.

I’m aware that some professionals have to have a break from treating some types of personality disorders. They have a break for their own mental wellbeing. As some disorders of their patients have the ability to partly destroy the expert too, depending on how severe the illness is. I was in a relationship with someone with one of those disorders that could potentially do that.

If it's something you want to do, trying to help from afar might be the only way. It is all about you though, in that do everything you can to protect yourself. Don’t get drawn in, and try to rise above it all. Distance aspects of your own mind from it, and remain with the real feeling of being in control. Separate the disorder from the person, if you see what I mean. As that small thing of separating the two can be something that might help in staying in control.
 
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A habit pattern like that of his, is very long-term and ingrained,
so that there's no way for anyone else to change it in him;

it's upsetting to do, but we have to practice and learn how to expect the inconsistency, and to be ready for the repeats of the awful side. (and to limit our exposures to it, as much as possible, which you have already taken steps to do)

Don't expect water, from a turnip.

And remember to remind yourself, as often as possible,
that his behaviors and words,
have nothing to do with you!

It's his behavior pattern.

Very sorry for all that you have endured, due to it, :cry: @fancicoffee13
I do remember how hopeful you were at the outset,
but again;
it has nothing to do with you, that this was doomed, even though you did not have that information, in that first year.
 
fancicoffee13 said:
You said it very well. It is beyond me, I have never in my life, had to deal with this kind of disorder and it makes me want to help him but by prayer and from a distance for sure for my sake. I am going to get a divorce. We discussed that as well last night.
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The instinct to help someone is commendable but, he may well see that as a weakness. If it were me, I would move on and have no further contact. If he wants to change, he will save himself; he will seek help and he will do what it takes. As I see it, your job right now, is to save yourself and rebuild your own life. (y)
 
fancicoffee13 said:
We are separated, he came over to get mail and as usual, you NEVER know when that other side will come out! He said some pretty awful things to me, and of course, I stood up to the remarks. But, afterwards, after he is gone, I just find it unbelieveable that he could say such things to someone he claims to love wo much. I guess he had been searching for just the right thing to say in order to hurt me to the core. Well, he make it. And then later he calls and tells me some information he thinks I could benefit from, and in my mind I am wondering if he has any heart or conscience at all. This time he really hurt me a lot. But, I will be ok, I am going to a place that listens and helps me a lot, professionally.
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Glad you are separated and hopefully will be completely removed from this man. I know it's easier said than done, but please don't let his hateful words cut into you so deeply. As OneEyedDiva said, consider the source.

Life is too short to put up with this type of abuse and heartache, you are wise to look forward and move on with your life, leave this misery far behind.

I'm sorry you're even having to go through this, but better now than years from now. Good luck, be strong, glad you are getting some counseling to deal with this character. Hugs. 🧡
 

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