My life is so different than I envisioned.

Ronni

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
Y'know, I find it fascinating to read the many threads on this forum from the perspective of someone newly with their significant other. All of you are as old or older than me, so that part's as expected. But so many of have been married or with your partner for an extended number of years, some for decades, and it's that part that I find I have a bit of a disconnect with. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining at all, it's just funny coming at some of these posts as someone who until recently was uninvolved with a significant other.

And it's a bit sad, too. I NEVER expected I would get divorced. I am an exceedingly loyal person, took my vows seriously, and expected I would be with my husband literally till death parted us. I was married for a long, long time until the abuse finally got so bad that I feared for my life and that of my children, and protecting them became paramount. I don't regret the marriage because I would never have had my amazing children and grandchildren without it. And I don't regret the divorce...if I hadn't taken that step, I might not be here today to tell my story.

Still, even with no regrets, there's some sadness in NOT being that person I expected to be at this age, not being still married, not growing old with my spouse, retired, settled life, doing so many of the things and experiencing life the way so many of you do.

I am not a "typical" senior (whatever that means, but you know....) Life has shaped me differently than it would have if I'd still been married and happy to be so. I'm not retired. I'm not settled. I'm still working and will be for some time to come. I do things that most people my age don't...like zip line and kayak white water and rock climb and do physical stuff that challenges me. I don't look like many "typical" seniors (at least the ones in my own circle of friends and acquaintances) I'm the only senior I know personally who has tattoos. I'm the only senior I know personally who colors her hair all kinds of neon shades...turquoise one month, pink the next, and so on. I'm the only senior I know personally who rides a Harley. I'm the only senior I know personally who is contemplating getting married again. So much stuff. And all of it I can guaran-damn-tee you I would NOT be doing if I were still married.

I really like who I am now. It's not that. It's just....I'm not living the life I expected to be living, the life that, when I was younger and looking towards the future, I thought I would be living by the time I got to this age. Is it nostalgia I'm feeling? There's a wistfulness, a sort of sentimentality for what I hoped would be but isn't.

I dunno. Maybe I just need more coffee!
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For wife and I, our marriage is our 3rd one. Been married now for 17 years and together for 18. We both know exactly why our previous marriages didn't last and it's ok with us. Both of my previous marriages only lasted a year or so, while hers lasted much longer. I was single/divorced for 21 years, before meeting my wife. She was only divorced a few years, before meeting me. She is 70 and colors her hair blonde and I am 69 and use Just For Men Hair Color on my mustache and temples. Most people never/ever think we are this old and Seniors, but we are.

We go to a gun and rife range and have a power boat. We don't do any of the "challenging" things you do and never have. Just not us. Boating is the most we challenge our bodies to. We have a Wii Game that we have fun with, when we play it.

No children or grandkids. Most of my family have passed, while hers lives in So California. Most of the time, we don't miss the family at all. They have completely different interests/likes than we do.

I'm fully retired and take care of (or try to) things in our apartment. Heck, my wife doesn't even know how to use the dishwasher, washer or dryer...…..I do it all. She is still working a full-time job, until we move.

Once we move, our lives will be so much happier, even in the winter time snow. We simply don't belong where we live.

All-in-all, we don't look or act like Seniors our age, but there are definitely times that arthritis pain can let us know how old we are.

IOW, we are a HAPPY couple, with the exception of where we live.

Last thing.....absolutely NO tattoos and never/ever will be.
 
Ronni said:
I really like who I am now. It's not that. It's just....I'm not living the life I expected to be living, the life that, when I was younger and looking towards the future, I thought I would be living by the time I got to this age. Is it nostalgia I'm feeling? There's a wistfulness, a sort of sentimentality for what I hoped would be but isn't.

I dunno. Maybe I just need more coffee!
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Meh. Sounds to me like you're living a good life and doing a fine job of it, too. Heck, I got my first tattoo at 60 something. And a Harley, although I no longer ride. Ziplining waited until I was 72. Haven't colored my hair yet, although I've been sorely tempted.

Nostalgia? Um. You're not nostalgic, you're grieving for something you didn't have and thought you would/should have had. "For all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these 'It might have been.' "

Live in the now and enjoy every minute of it.

And pour another cup of coffee.

ETA: Credit where credit is due...quote is John Greenleaf Whittier
 

Yeah, you sound wistful. You need to move on, mentally, as you have physically. Also, I don't think it's a great thing to point out how special you are, in here. Lots of us do things that are, perhaps, "out there," but we don't point the same out, in the way you have, risking crossing the line to be seen as braggarts.
 
Treeguy, maybe we weren't reading the same thread. I don't see that she was pointing out how "special" she is, just different, as are we all. The only thing that really gave me a chuckle is the reference to "typical" seniors. There's no "typical" anymore. If there were, your avatar would show you in a rocking chair, not climbing a tree.
 
I remember doing a similar thread in another forum and pretty much got ridiculed up and down for stating how different my wife is from other Senior wives. She likes wearing a baseball cap or cowboy hat, loves gun and rifle shooting, definitely knows about NFL and rodeo. People replying to the thread thought I was bragging about my wife, whereas I was only stating information that I thought was different from other Senior women. At least Senior women that wife and I know.
 
treeguy64 said:
Yeah, you sound wistful. You need to move on, mentally, as you have physically. Also, I don't think it's a great thing to point out how special you are, in here. Lots of us do things that are, perhaps, "out there," but we don't point the same out, in the way you have, risking crossing the line to be seen as braggarts.
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I don’t brag, unless it’s about my children or grandchildren, and then my statement will most definitely be preceded by “I have to brag for a minute!”

I wasn’t pointing out how special I am, please re-read my post. I was making a joke about not being a “typical” [stereotypical] senior (hence the quotes and because what IS that nowadays anyway lol? ) and making a factual statement that nobody I personally know does the things that I do, thus making me feel different and wondering if that accounted for the nostalgia or wistfulness or whatever the emotion is
 
BTW, Ronni, there are folks on here who are younger and still working, too. Actually, there are folks on here who are older and still working. I retired the first time at 50 and have retired four--or is it five?--times since. Only retired the last time at the end of March because my clients moved away for a new job. Had a former client ask the other day if I'd consider working for her again. (Yes!) I'll be 78 in a couple of months.

Hike the Appalachian Trail if you feel like it or plan a trip to Sturgis next summer. You can't do both next year because the trail takes the whole summer season. Or visit as many amusement parks as you can. Or national parks. Or do the Lake Superior Circle Tour.

And brag about your kids and grandkids. We don't mind a bit.
 
Sturgis!!! Yes absolutely!! :D We’d actually planned to attend this year, but life got in the way. We live Nashville TN so Kentucky isn’t that far away!

We’ve also talked about taking the bike and riding some of the Appalachian Trail. Ron is from upstate New York, and it’s one of the places he didn’t get to take me when we went back for a vacation in July to visit some of his family. I got to see some gorgeous sights! Man that area is beautiful!
 
Ronni said:
And I don't regret the divorce...if I hadn't taken that step, I might not be here today to tell my story.

Still, even with no regrets, there's some sadness in NOT being that person I expected to be at this age, not being still married, not growing old with my spouse, retired, settled life, doing so many of the things and experiencing life the way so many of you do.

I am not a "typical" senior (whatever that means, but you know....) Life has shaped me differently than it would have if I'd still been married and happy to be so. I'm not retired. I'm not settled. I'm still working and will be for some time to come. I do things that most people my age don't...like zip line and kayak white water and rock climb and do physical stuff that challenges me.

I really like who I am now. It's not that. It's just....I'm not living the life I expected to be living, the life that, when I was younger and looking towards the future, I thought I would be living by the time I got to this age. Is it nostalgia I'm feeling? There's a wistfulness, a sort of sentimentality for what I hoped would be but isn't.

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Ronni, your life may not be what you had envisioned, but you have to admit you've done pretty well. You got out of a bad marriage before it was too late and you have been blessed with children and grandchildren now. I haven't done things like white water, bikes and zipline, but I had no desire to do them when I was young ether. You're lucky you're healthy enough to do the active things you love.

I recently celebrated my 42 yr. anniversary out on a camping trip with hubby. My life isn't what I expected when I was a young girl either, I thought I'd be like my mother, be home in a housedress with a few kids and get married in a long white dress. We chose a small justice of the peace wedding, didn't (couldn't) have any kids, and worked as planned until we could retire early. I only have one tattoo that I got years ago (and still like it), and dress in jeans or cargos every day, and like to spend time out in the wilds of nature whenever possible. Not too typical here either.

Life is full of little twists and turns that take us to different places, it's the way we handle them that makes us who we are and makes us happy. I'd say by getting to know you, you've got it together and should be cherishing all you have in the moment, not wasting any time thinking of what could have been. You're a good person, keep on doing it your way! :cool2:
 
Let's face it, almost all of the old stereotypes are passe'. None of my friends (in our 60's now) are stereotypical seniors. We were the generation that "broke the mold" early on and we have continued to do so. We are active and involved... no rocking chairs for us. We look different, we act different, we ARE different from previous generations.

As an aside, I'm always amused by people who don't think they look their age. (Addressing no one in particular here.) Sorry, but you are your age... that's just how it looks. :D Last year I cut off my long brunette hair and embraced the silver. It was liberating. What's so terrible about looking your age?? So get over yourself...you may think you "look great" and that's fine. But you do look your age. :D
 
C'est Moi said:
Let's face it, almost all of the old stereotypes are passe'. None of my friends (in our 60's now) are stereotypical seniors. We were the generation that "broke the mold" early on and we have continued to do so. We are active and involved... no rocking chairs for us. We look different, we act different, we ARE different from previous generations.

As an aside, I'm always amused by people who don't think they look their age. (Addressing no one in particular here.) Sorry, but you are your age... that's just how it looks. :D Last year I cut off my long brunette hair and embraced the silver. It was liberating. What's so terrible about looking your age?? So get over yourself...you may think you "look great" and that's fine. But you do look your age. :D
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There's absolutely nothing wrong with looking your age. But, there really are some people who don't look their age. My mother is one. She's 93 and people are astounded when they find out how old she is. People tell me I don't look my age; sometimes I look in the mirror and see a 90-year-old woman and sometimes I look and say "Dang, babe, lookin' good there!" I hope I take after my mom; she just got to a certain age and quit getting "older".

I don't see a lot of "bragging" going on here. I figure if you can reach your 70's and still ride a bike, go ziplining, run, hike, travel, ride rollercoasters and generally make a fool of yourself, then why shouldn't you talk about it? It beats the hell out of constantly talking about poor health, poor choices, poor investments and how much one hates one's life. Let's have more positivity here.

Life doesn't always turn out as we plan; in fact, it seldom turns out that way. As the saying goes: "Do you want to make God laugh? Well, tell Her your plans."
 
Ronni...don't pay attention to Treeguy. He seems to be the type who's purposely antagonistic. He once sent me a private message asking me why I chose to use such a small font. WTF??!! Funny thing is...most of the time I use large font. I may have missed a few posts but anyway...you get the picture. I've seen smart ass replies he's made to other members as well. As my old boss used to say "Consider the source" (eg: don't expect the interaction to be reasonable). Anyway...sounds to me like you are living a great life. Better than being with someone who may have held you back, or needed nursing care from you instead of being active with you. I hope you can embrace how blessed you are to be able to do these things. My DIL is only 51 and she is having so much trouble with her knees and feet, she could never do them. Enjoy the opportunities you've been given by not still being married. Don't know how old you are but life gets better with each decade! (Well at least for me it has)
 
This thread made me think back to what I envisioned. At 15 I was still naive enough to believe dance would be my life. At 17, I realized that I'd never be good enough to pursue ballet for a living and thought being a "hoofer" would be a good choice. Until my arches failed.

At 18, I had no plan further than the day ahead. At 19, I started college with the intention of majoring in political science and then going to law school, but met Whatsisname, The Father of My Children, and got married at 20. We had this deal: he'd finish his undergrad degree, get his graduate degree, then it would be my turn to finish. Then we'd start a family and live happily ever after, him as a psychologist, me as an attorney.

I never did finish my degree, but I did have an interesting life once I let go of the bitterness! Reconnected with my childhood sweetheart at 48 and married him. We were married just shy of 20 years when he died. We were going to grow old together.

"Do you want to make God laugh? Well, tell Her your plans."​

It didn't occur to me for a single second that I'd be a widow living in a granny flat in the South. Not once. Every once in a while I get down and hate my life. It has nothing to do with getting older and everything to do with being human, and it's apparently a self-limiting situation that's greatly improved with coffee on my patio in the morning, watching the progress of the flowers budding and blooming in the garden, having a cuddly new kitty...these small things make everything right again.

I'm back to where I was at 18 and don't have a plan further than the day ahead.

​
 
Ronni said:
Sturgis!!! Yes absolutely!! :D We’d actually planned to attend this year, but life got in the way. We live Nashville TN so Kentucky isn’t that far away!

We’ve also talked about taking the bike and riding some of the Appalachian Trail. Ron is from upstate New York, and it’s one of the places he didn’t get to take me when we went back for a vacation in July to visit some of his family. I got to see some gorgeous sights! Man that area is beautiful!
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Um. Sturgis is in western South Dakota not Kentucky. The Appalachian Trail is off limits to anything other than foot traffic. No bicycles or horses or anything motorized.
 
ClassicRockr said:
I remember doing a similar thread in another forum and pretty much got ridiculed up and down for stating how different my wife is from other Senior wives. She likes wearing a baseball cap or cowboy hat, loves gun and rifle shooting, definitely knows about NFL and rodeo. People replying to the thread thought I was bragging about my wife, whereas I was only stating information that I thought was different from other Senior women. At least Senior women that wife and I know.
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What ever floats your boat...We all maybe are around the same age, but everyone of us have our own definitions...(By the way, I love baseball caps):)
 
I don't know. You have to look at it in a general sense and based on that, I'm probably just about where I expected to be. I met my wife just out of high school. We married a couple of years later and here we are in our mid 80's. I don't think I expected to have quite as large flock of kids, grands, and greats, but it has happened. Worked a life-long job, retired, and still live in the house where I was born.

I had no grandiose dreams as a young fellow. just followed the pattern set by my grand parents and parents. Probably sounds boring to many of you, but it's what we chose and now, coming to the end of the trail, we're surrounded by most of our off-spring who have also chosen to stay in the area. If there is a blessing involved it is the closeness that remains in the family with us and among our siblings.
 
GeorgiaXplant said:
Um. Sturgis is in western South Dakota not Kentucky.
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My bad. I was talking about the Little Sturgis Rally. It's in Kentucky. I'm a bit intimidated by the big one honestly! ;) Maybe that's reason enough to go, eh??
https://bikeweekevents.com/motorcycle-rallies/kentucky-bike-rally/


GeorgiaXplant said:
The Appalachian Trail is off limits to anything other than foot traffic. No bicycles or horses or anything motorized.
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:what: Then I have no clue lol! Ron is the one who talked about wanting to take the bike so I dunno.

Life is full of little twists and turns that take us to different places, it's the way we handle them that makes us who we are and makes us happy. I'd say by getting to know you, you've got it together and should be cherishing all you have in the moment, not wasting any time thinking of what could have been. You're a good person, keep on doing it your way!
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Thank you SeaBreeze!! And yes, that is exactly my plan. I spent way too many years pleasing others, being selfless, feeling that I was always the one at fault, the one who needed to change, the one who wasn't doin' it right. It's taken a lot of hard work on myself, a lot of therapy, to get to the point where I am OK with me, with who I am. Now my need and challenge to do better, BE better, is completely self focused, and not driven by someone else's unrealistic ideas of who I should be, how I should act, what I should do. I don't do that anymore!

Too, I realized somewhere along the way that my biggest regrets in life involve things I didn't do, opportunities I didn't take, challenges I didn't accept. So now I'm much more inclined to just DO... whatever comes along that I feel an interest in. :)
 

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