My Niece’s Death

oldman

Well-known Member
Location
PA
Some of you may remember that my niece died unexpectedly over two weeks ago. It was later ruled a suicide. She was 53 years old and no immediate health issues as far as we know.

My niece opted for cremation with no viewing prior. She was active in the church and did a lot of outreach and humanitarian work. She single-handedly started the feed the homeless program here in our county, which my wife and I supported. Even though she considered herself a devout Christian, she has been estranged from her family for years. (Very long story.)

Her suicide has left a lot of unanswered questions. No note or letter was left behind. This is the third suicide that I have dealt with. The other two were friends that did leave a letter behind.

Yesterday, I went to see my Therapist because I have been having problems dealing with her loss. I am still feeling terrible about not only her suicide, but also the way her family, (mother, brothers and sisters), reacted to the situation. It was like, “Oh, well.” My sister and I weren’t brought up like that and I am very disappointed in her. I haven’t told her that yet and the Therapist said that I may want to, but that I need to wait until she again brings up the issue.

Do you agree with that?
 

I would not bring up your disappointment, with your sister. She has dealt with the death of her daughter in a way that works for her. So be it. Move on. Life goes on, until it doesn't.

I sincerely hope you find a way to get on with your life and find happiness, once again. Best of luck, to you.
 

Oldman...it will be interesting to hear what your therapist has to say. Its so sad when there is no "closure" to things like suicide. Look
at Anthony Bourdain, seemed to have fame and fortune and everything to live for. Sometimes you never know till you get to the other
side. Go easy with yourself. Glad you are going to a therapist. A lot of people just think they can "handle it" and grief can't be handled, it needs to be endured and gotten trough. Keep us posted please, guy!
 
@oldman, so sorry for the loss of your niece. Seems like she had a productive, full life and it is sad that there were things she could not cope with. The death of any loved one is sad, but this must be so much worse.
May I suggest you look for a grief support group in your area. I attend one and it has been a great help. Mine is specific to seniors who have lost spouses. Your area may have one for survivors of suicides. Talking with like people is a great help.
Remember you always have your SF family to talk with. I know in recent months everyone here has been a great help to azjim and me.
 
I knew, well, eight suicides. Half had good reasons for opting out, a few were shortsighted and overly dramatic. When people are bound and determined to leave this life, they do. A few of the suicides I knew were in therapy. No help, obviously.
 
I'm so sorry for your loss and glad you're getting help in dealing with it. I have only experienced one close to me - not family but close neighbor - and always wondered if I could have done more to help, been a better neighbor.
 
I'm so sorry that your niece chose this way to exit her life. People are often fighting demons that are very real to them but invisible to others. We truly can never know what our loved ones are dealing with unless they choose to divulge their pain.

I hope she found the peace she needed and that you will find your way through this pain.
 
Sorry to hear that Oldman.
A priest in our city committed suicide earlier this year. To say the community was shocked is an understatement. He was much loved and it came totally out of left field.
Pope Francis says we are not supposed to judge so that is what I choose to do.
 
Some things are hard to understand, things we are ill quipted to handle.
We have to do the best we can. I hope the therapist helps.
 
I'm sorry you're going through this Oldman, and again, my sincere condolences for your loss. I have no experience or advice for something like this, hoping you can find some peace about it soon.
 
That is so sad. Be kind to yourself in your grief and be kind too to your sister, even though her response is difficult to understand. Perhaps in a year's time you and she will be able to talk about this and about your feelings without doing any damage to your relationship.

This is just my clumsy way of saying let some time do its healing work.
🥺
 
Oldman,I'm sorry for loss.
As you continue to grieve for your niece, please take care of yourself.
My hope is 6 months from now,you&your sister will be able to talk,your relationship with her will get stronger than it was before Sue
 
Yesterday, I went to see my Therapist because I have been having problems dealing with her loss. I am still feeling terrible about not only her suicide, but also the way her family, (mother, brothers and sisters), reacted to the situation. It was like, “Oh, well.” My sister and I weren’t brought up like that and I am very disappointed in her. I haven’t told her that yet and the Therapist said that I may want to, but that I need to wait until she again brings up the issue.

Do you agree with that?

My sincere condolences for your loss, oldman. To those of us left behind, suicide often seems senseless and cruel, and while it's difficult to process the loss of a loved one under any circumstances, suicide seems to make it even more difficult sometimes.

I would urge you to wait to speak with your sister. This is just my opinion, but I don't think there's any "wrong" way to deal with the loss of a loved one, even when the the reactions may seem callous or uncaring. Each person processes grief and loss in their own way, and by observation I've learned that oftentimes those processes aren't typical or what one would consider "normal." Nonetheless I respect another's right to deal with their loss in their own way however atypical it seems to me.

I've been up close and personal with loss, not just the death of my parents, but loss of extended or in-law family from addiction (both suicide and OD) and it sucks, no matter how it happens. But the way I processed these losses was not the way that the loved ones left behind (the parents, children, other family and close friends) processed the loss, both with and without counseling, and that taught me a lot. It taught me not to judge, simply because another's process wasn't what I considered normal.

There's no right or wrong in in the way we react or respond to grief and loss because we're all different, and my process isn't yours and vice versa.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. 💔
 
Judy, I was sorry to read about your daughter’s suicide. It’s a tough pill to swallow, especially when we don’t get the answers.

Everyone Else: Thank you for the kind words and suggestions. Like I wrote above, it’s tough not getting the answers. Around here, when there is a suicide, the cops get involved and do an investigation. That’s what’s going on now. Because my niece did not leave a note or letter, the cops are suspicious of foul play, so how long this will go on is anyone’s guess.

During my senior year of high school, a close friend put his shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. That really rattled me. All over the fact that his dad would not allow him to skip a day of school and go along to the county fair with the rest of our little clique. Our fair is the second week of September. It took me awhile to get past that one. He did leave a letter to his dad, who really went into a deep depression.

Anyway, thanks for replying and I will be OK as time passes.
 
old man, It is too soon to judge what is going on with your family. They are all dealing with grief themselves. Please don't say anything to them you may regret on top of your niece's suicide.
My issue at first was all consuming anger. I went into therapy to keep from throwing a punch at someone who said something I didn't like. One person said, What a waste. I wanted to kill that woman. If it wasn't for another lady there being kind, I'm not sure, I was so raw. I went to the doc and asked for a list of therapists. We make our loved ones sacred to ourselves after they die. She is still sacred to me but I no longer want to react badly. No note from my daughter either. She was a wonderful person. Her husband said she was a bright light and burned out too quickly. I really miss her and she wasn't a waste.
 
I’m so sorry for your loss oldman and Judycat.
It’s difficult enough losing family through death but more difficult when it’s suicide. So many questions that don’t get answered.

I’ve lost a few friends due to suicide and known a few Mother’s who have lost their daughters due to suicide. It’s so very sad and heart breaking.

May time, love and compassion help heal your tortured heart.
 
I'm a lot better now. Made peace with it. Took a while though. Just wanted oldman to know he's not alone in it and it does get better.
 


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