My Sister Is Exhibiting Signs of Dementia

OneEyedDiva

OneEyedDiva

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New Jersey
I first noticed it a couple of years ago when she got confused driving routes that she used often in the past. Her daughter and our niece noticed things also, maybe before I did. My sister is very close with her children, particularly her son who had an apartment in the house they bought together. Her daughter and SIL moved about an hour and a half away a few years ago. Her children are well educated, loving and caring. My nieces and I noticed that she tends to get more confused and agitated. She remembers events from the past pretty well but her short term memory is shot. Recently while we were at dinner at her son’s, she asked him the same question about 5 times within 25 minutes. Each time, he responded the same way.

It seems to one of our nieces and I that her son doesn’t want to deal with it. I know how it is to be in denial about dementia in a parent; I went through it with my mother. In November I had a long talk with her daughter about her mom’s progression. My sister got mad at me because I wouldn’t come for Thanksgiving dinner (due to COVID I wasn't comfortable yet with gatherings). I had told her to have a nice dinner and enjoy who was there. She said she wouldn’t because I wasn’t coming and hung up on me. My nieces said they experienced similar things. So I sent her daughter an article about dementia which featured it's stages and asked her to share it with her brother. I thought perhaps one of them could talk with her doctor, explain what they’ve noticed and perhaps the doctor could give her something to delay the progression.

More recently our oldest niece said that my sister should have a medical POA when I said that her children may have limited or no access to my sister’s medical information. I suggested that she mention it to my sister’s daughter. She said she would but a few days later she texted me that she decided not to. I texted her back that I understood. My niece said her brother is having some stressful times trying to deal with their mother. I told her that it’s only going to get worse if she doesn’t get some help. I’m hoping that will be the catalyst for them being more proactive.
 

Hopefully, you will be able to talk to your sister about planning for the future and knowing what to expect as the disease progresses.

If she can stay six months to a year ahead of the disease progression she should be able to live independently while still making plans to move into a more structured living situation at some point in the future.

This link may help to come up with some talking points or ideas for all of you to consider.

https://www.alz.org/help-support/i-have-alz/know-what-to-expect/if_you_live_alone

Best wishes to you and your family as you work through this together.
 
Dealing with loved ones with dementia is difficult. It’s good that you are there offering help. There’s a LOT to learn. I wish I knew about dementia before I had to deal with my parents but I did my best. I wish you the best OneEyedDiva. You are a good sister. 👍♥️
 

Wishing the best for your sister and your family Diva, it must be very hard to have a loved one with dementia. I worry about it myself, my aunt died many years ago with Alzheimers, she was in a nursing home. I hope she can get some medication to help slow the progression. She's blessed to have you doing what you can to help her during this difficult time. Hugs. 🧡
 
My Sister and Brother-in-law have both succumbed to dementia. The symptoms first began to appear about 5 years ago, and the cousins, and I tried to talk them into seeking help....which they refused to do. They have no children, and the Brother-in-law has a nearby sister who bore the brunt of trying to get them some help....to no avail.

They were convinced that they were OK, and everyone else was having problems....and they continued to decline. As time passed they got to the point where they were even having issues with hygiene, and getting notices about unpaid monthly bills, etc., and finally, about 2 years ago they finally agreed that they needed help. I flew to Denver in late 2019, and it was really a sad situation.

They are in good shape, financially, and we found them a real nice care facility to move into, and that place is taking good care of them. However, their minds are gone, and they have NO sense of reality. The biggest issue we've wondered about is What drove both of them to the brink simultaneously. We had their house investigated for any environmental issues....Radon, etc., but no one has been able to come up with an answer.

Had they listened to others when the problems first began, they might have been able to get some help....but now, it's just too late. I call them about once a month, and it is rare that they even remember who I am.

Dementia is a curse.
 
I am very sorry for what you are having to deal with. My youngest brother's wife had dementia which led to Alzheimer's. He took care of her until the final few weeks when he just could not handle it any more. They fought it together for about seven years before she died. It was very tough on him and was probably one of the reasons that led to his death earlier this year at the age of 71.

My observation is that this cannot be ignored and that active planning needs to start. It may remain mild for a long time or progress very quickly as it did in the case of one of my neighbors.

To the extent that you can, stay on their case about this, but avoid taking on the task yourself.
 
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Aunt Bea said:
Hopefully, you will be able to talk to your sister about planning for the future and knowing what to expect as the disease progresses.

If she can stay six months to a year ahead of the disease progression she should be able to live independently while still making plans to move into a more structured living situation at some point in the future.

This link may help to come up with some talking points or ideas for all of you to consider.

https://www.alz.org/help-support/i-have-alz/know-what-to-expect/if_you_live_alone

Best wishes to you and your family as you work through this together.
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Thank you so much Aunt Bea. One of the issues here is how stubborn my sister is. And she always thinks she knows best. She's gotten dismissive too. If she doesn't want to talk about something, she cuts the conversation or as she did re the Thanksgiving dinner...hangs up on a person. I appreciate you providing this link. I will certainly read it and share it with her children.

My sister and I didn't meet each other until 1998. We became close fairly quickly but I still feel I don't want to overstep with certain things. She has an S.O. and they treat each other like husband and wife. She also has a very close relationship with one of our nieces who I mentioned in the OP...so much so that she and our niece have similar fashion and decorating tastes. She has much closer relationships with these loved ones. You are a wise woman so I know you know what "my first mind" and gut feelings are all about. My first mind has been telling me to stay out of this or at least stay in the background while trying to help.
 
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@Keesha @SeaBreeze @CinnamonSugar @Pecos Thank you so much for your concern and support.
Pecos I absolutely agree with your assessment of the situation. I'll reach out to my nephew and niece this weekend.

@CinnamonSugar I know there are meds that can help. I read up on dementia as well as experienced it when my mother had it. Then I had to educate my husband about it when my co-wife was afflicted with it. It took him a while to realize her thought processes would never be the same. May the three of them Rest in Paradise. This is why I want her children to get proactive with her care.

@win231 "The symptoms first began to appear about 5 years ago, and the cousins, and I tried to talk them into seeking help....which they refused to do." I'm afraid this is what's going to happen with my sister. She's a very proud woman who's been on committees and boards of several organizations. Everything in her world needs to go as she says it should. She gets offended if she thinks her loved ones are insinuating she doesn't know what she's doing or how to take care of herself (or others). I've witnessed it.
 
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Sorry to read your story. My brother-in-law had dementia and his wife had Alzhemizer's. Both are gone now but it sure taught me a lot about this disease. You have to have the "Patience of Job" to deal with the situation. Yes, they remember things 40 years ago but not what happened or was said 5 minutes ago. This compares to peeling an onion. First, the outside or more recent events are forgotten but as the disease progresses, more and more of the memory is gone. I am 75 and my memory is excellent. Many would say, "Thank God for that." Best of luck. It will be a up hill battle. Sorry.
 
So sorry to see this, Diva. You are very wise in how you're cautiously navigating through this with family members at various points along the five stages of grief. Prayers that her partner and children can get close enough to the same page to get her evaluated to see if she's a candidate for medications helpful for certain types of dementia.
 
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I talked with her daughter today and she said she and her brother have had conversations about how to proceed. He's in the process of checking some things out. Haven't talked with him yet but I sent them the excellent link @Aunt Bea provided. I feel better knowing that they are monitoring her more closely and making themselves more aware that steps need to be taken. Thank you for your input @AnnieA.
 
OneEyedDiva said:
I talked with her daughter today and she said she and her brother have had conversations about how to proceed. He's in the process of checking some things out. Haven't talked with him yet but I sent them the excellent link @Aunt Bea provided. I feel better knowing that they are monitoring her more closely and making themselves more aware that steps need to be taken. Thank you for your input @AnnieA.
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That is good news.
 
OneEyedDiva said:
I understand Mellow! This may help you and hopefully ease your fears.
https://www.verywellhealth.com/is-it-forgetfulness-or-alzheimers-98574
Thank you @Packerjohn. I'm glad to know you don't have any memory problems. May your brother and SIL RIP.
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Thank you One Eye, I thought the information in the link was worth repeating.

Forgetfulness of Normal Aging and Alzheimer's​

Normal Aging

  • Memory improves with cueing and context
  • Vocabulary and relationship understanding remains intact
  • Able to remember the order of things and who said what
  • Aware that a memory problem exists (subjective cognitive impairment)
  • Functioning remains good despite forgetfulness
  • Making a not-so-great decision occasionally
  • Forgetting to make a monthly payment
  • Being uncertain about what day it is but being able to recall it later
  • Difficulty with newer or less familiar tasks, such as the settings on a new appliance
  • Trouble finding a new place when driving
Alzheimer's Disease

  • Recent memory poor, and cueing and context don't help
  • Can't remember the order of things and who said what
  • Repetitiveness becomes obvious; memory intrusions occur
  • Unaware that a memory problem exists
  • Day-to-day functioning declines along with memory
  • Frequently demonstrating poor judgment and decision-making
  • Not being able to handle paying bills regularly
  • Often being disoriented to time and place
  • Difficulty with familiar tasks, such as making coffee every day
  • Getting lost on your way home from your daily job
 
Diva, this has to be so hard on you! You have some wonderful advise here from friends. I wish I could help but know nothing about the disease.
You are such a wonderful lady and I'm just sorry you are going to have to endure watching her get worse. Stay strong!
 
Gaer said:
Diva, this has to be so hard on you! You have some wonderful advise here from friends. I wish I could help but know nothing about the disease.
You are such a wonderful lady and I'm just sorry you are going to have to endure watching her get worse. Stay strong!
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Thank you so much Gaer. I went through this with my mother for four years before she passed. For three of those years she was in a nursing home but I visited her daily, most times twice a day. They get worse in the evening ("sundowning") It's a heartbreaking thing but we loved ones do what we have to do when the time comes for as long as it takes. It feels like we've lost them even before they pass away. I empathize with anyone who has or is going through this.

@mellowyellow Good thinking posting the article in it's entirety! Thank you. :D
 
Diva, I'm so sorry about your family's situation. My mother had vascular dementia and my father-in-law suffered from Alzheimer's. My husband and I were the ones who shepherded them through those years, so I understand your pain.

I noticed that both of them remained who they always were, only more so. It was as if their lifelong personalities became more concentrated because the ability - and perhaps inclination - to alter behavior to comport with social expectations was dramatically reduced.

If your sister was strongly opinionated, quick to flare, stubborn, dismissive, or extremely independent, prepare yourself for a magnification of those traits.

Her doctor will eventually diagnose her cognitive losses, but that's probably a ways off. Until that happens she will legally remain in control of her assets (my FIL was scammed out of tens of thousands of dollars by phone scammers), her living situation, and so forth.

I wish your sister, your family, and you the best. This is not an easy pathway for anyone involved.
 
OneEyedDiva said:
I first noticed it a couple of years ago when she got confused driving routes that she used often in the past. Her daughter and our niece noticed things also, maybe before I did. My sister is very close with her children, particularly her son who had an apartment in the house they bought together. Her daughter and SIL moved about an hour and a half away a few years ago. Her children are well educated, loving and caring. My nieces and I noticed that she tends to get more confused and agitated. She remembers events from the past pretty well but her short term memory is shot. Recently while we were at dinner at her son’s, she asked him the same question about 5 times within 25 minutes. Each time, he responded the same way.

It seems to one of our nieces and I that her son doesn’t want to deal with it. I know how it is to be in denial about dementia in a parent; I went through it with my mother. In November I had a long talk with her daughter about her mom’s progression. My sister got mad at me because I wouldn’t come for Thanksgiving dinner (due to COVID I wasn't comfortable yet with gatherings). I had told her to have a nice dinner and enjoy who was there. She said she wouldn’t because I wasn’t coming and hung up on me. My nieces said they experienced similar things. So I sent her daughter an article about dementia which featured it's stages and asked her to share it with her brother. I thought perhaps one of them could talk with her doctor, explain what they’ve noticed and perhaps the doctor could give her something to delay the progression.

More recently our oldest niece said that my sister should have a medical POA when I said that her children may have limited or no access to my sister’s medical information. I suggested that she mention it to my sister’s daughter. She said she would but a few days later she texted me that she decided not to. I texted her back that I understood. My niece said her brother is having some stressful times trying to deal with their mother. I told her that it’s only going to get worse if she doesn’t get some help. I’m hoping that will be the catalyst for them being more proactive.
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Your sister could be suffering from any number of a illnesses, which produce symptoms of confusion, etc. Some illnesses are extremely treatable, others are not. Without a definitive diagnosis, there is no way to know the proper treatment. Have your sister seen by a neurologist.
 
StarSong said:
Diva, I'm so sorry about your family's situation. My mother had vascular dementia and my father-in-law suffered from Alzheimer's. My husband and I were the ones who shepherded them through those years, so I understand your pain.

I noticed that both of them remained who they always were, only more so. It was as if their lifelong personalities became more concentrated because the ability - and perhaps inclination - to alter behavior to comport with social expectations was dramatically reduced.

If your sister was strongly opinionated, quick to flare, stubborn, dismissive, or extremely independent, prepare yourself for a magnification of those traits.

Her doctor will eventually diagnose her cognitive losses, but that's probably a ways off. Until that happens she will legally remain in control of her assets (my FIL was scammed out of tens of thousands of dollars by phone scammers), her living situation, and so forth.

I wish your sister, your family, and you the best. This is not an easy pathway for anyone involved.
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Thank you so much Star. My mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia as well. Some of the traits you mentioned match my sister's personality. She's tough but very sensitive at the same time. The last couple of times we had conversations (within the last two weeks), she seemed clear as a bell. It was as if the demential isn't even present. I can imagine presenting that way could cause confusion for her children, especially since they were not familiar with how dementia works. I thank you again for your well wishes for my family and me❣️🌷
 
fuzzybuddy said:
Your sister could be suffering from any number of a illnesses, which produce symptoms of confusion, etc. Some illnesses are extremely treatable, others are not. Without a definitive diagnosis, there is no way to know the proper treatment. Have your sister seen by a neurologist.
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Good points Fuzzbuddy. Thank you.
 
Update: My sister was finally able to see a neurologist. He ordered testing: EEG, CT and MRI. We don't know what the scans showed yet and I'm hoping their consult will be soon. It's taken this long to get to this point due to my sister forgetting appointments with her PCP (referring doctor) and scheduling.
 
Just a side note from The Alzheimer's Association website:
https://www.alz.org/alzheimers-dementia/what-is-dementia#causes

While most changes in the brain that cause dementia are permanent and worsen over time, thinking and memory problems caused by the following conditions may improve when the condition is treated or addressed:​
  • Depression.
  • Medication side effects.
  • Excess use of alcohol.
  • Thyroid problems.
  • Vitamin deficiencies.
Re the last, I've suggested that vitamin deficiencies (and consumption of non-organic pesticide/herbicide-laden food) can cause problems with thinking, among other things, as one ages. Turns out the Azheimer's Association says that (about vitamin deficiencies) as well.

And, sorry this is happening @OneEyedDiva.
 

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