Newly widowed and have a question......

Colleen

Colleen

Senior Member
Location
Pennsylvania
It's only been 6 weeks since my husband died suddenly and I've gone through all the "stages" of grief and I think I'm at the acceptance stage now.

What I'm experiencing now is very strange to me and maybe it's a "normal" thing but I'm hoping someone that's gone through this will be able to tell me or explain to me why this is happening.

As I said, it's only been 6 weeks, but almost from the beginning when he died, I feel like he's never been with me or been in this house. I get small memories of times together (we were married for 26 years) but most of the time, I feel like our life together was just a brief moment. I still have all his clothes here and when I look in his closet, I remember a little bit about what he looked like in a particular shirt, for example, but it seems strange to me. Am I still in shock?? Is this something that I made up in my mind to "protect" myself from the reality of what happened??? Can someone give me an explanation?
 

My deepest condolences on the loss of your husband. I lost my wife over 9 years ago. She also died suddenly and unexpectedly.

Yes you are still in a state of shock. You really have not gone through all of the stages of grief. It takes a lot longer to come to terms with the new normal. If you are able, spend time with your family and friends. Reach out to others, they won't reach out to you. Other people help you mourn your loss, but then they move on with their lives. You don't.

Senior Forums is one way to connect with other people. Join a grief support group. You will laugh and cry with others who have also joined the loss of spouse club that none of us could ever have envisioned for ourselves.

My prayers are with you.
 
spectratg said:
My deepest condolences on the loss of your husband. I lost my wife over 9 years ago. She also died suddenly and unexpectedly.

Yes you are still in a state of shock. You really have not gone through all of the stages of grief. It takes a lot longer to come to terms with the new normal. If you are able, spend time with your family and friends. Reach out to others, they won't reach out to you. Other people help you mourn your loss, but then they move on with their lives. You don't.

Senior Forums is one way to connect with other people. Join a grief support group. You will laugh and cry with others who have also joined the loss of spouse club that none of us could ever have envisioned for ourselves.

My prayers are with you.
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Thank you. I don't have any family. Actually...that's not true. I have a (49 year old) son that lives about 40 miles from me but we haven't had a relationship with each other for about 12 years. He hasn't even called me to see how I'm doing. I'm new to this area (we'd only been here 1 1/2 years) so I'm not familiar with support groups but I had a very nice neighbor that has been bringing me homemade soup and he told me he knew about a support group and if I wanted to know more, to call him. I think it's at his church, which I'd appreciate.
 

It sounds like a coping mechanism to me Colleen. In a way you are emotionally distancing yourself, thus protecting yourself from overwhelming grief. What you feel and how you feel it will fluctuate. Some of those stages you think have passed may return. It's important to allow yourself to grieve while still moving forward. Tomorrow will be 4 years and 11 months since my husband passed away and I still experience those emotional fluctuations. Again...you have my deepest condolences.
 
it takes a while to get through this. if he was already having health issues and you were somewhat prepared for this it might make this easier to handle. the biggest thing my father has dealt with is that she has left him here and he's having a tough time dealing with the loneliness. i'm so sorry for your loss colleen! *warm hug*
 
Colleen said:
a very nice neighbor that has been bringing me homemade soup and he told me he knew about a support group and if I wanted to know more, to call him. I think it's at his church, which I'd appreciate.
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Hugs, Colleen, so sorry for your loss and what you're going through. The support group might help; the groups work differently for different people but might be worth looking into.
 
MarciKS said:
it takes a while to get through this. if he was already having health issues and you were somewhat prepared for this it might make this easier to handle. the biggest thing my father has dealt with is that she has left him here and he's having a tough time dealing with the loneliness. i'm so sorry for your loss colleen! *warm hug*
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He was in good health...we thought, but obviously, there was an underlying problem that none of the doctor's caught or thought it was serious enough to send him to a cardiologist.

About 2 1/2 years ago, before we came back to PA and still lived in AZ, he started to have lower back pain. It turned out to be spinal stenosis and had to have surgery. At his pre-op, the nurse heard a heart murmur. He had never been told he had this and the doctors said it wasn't anything to worry about and they'd monitor it. After his surgery, he developed a wet cough but couldn't bring up anything.

A few months after this surgery he had to have a total knee replacement. Still no mention of any concerns with his heart murmur. He still had the cough right up until the day he died. Our doctor here in PA told us 6 months ago that she thought he had plaque in his arteries and she put him on a medication to help clear that out and lower his BP.

He had SCA (sudden cardiac arrest) and actually died in the ambulance while it was still parked in our driveway. He was shocked a total of 5 times. When I read the doctor's notes from the ER, they mentioned pneumonia in his left lower lobe. I think he had it from his first operation on his back.

He was always a strong man and was very active. The morning of the day he died, he was outside and ran the lawn tractor to mulch leaves and swept out the garage.

So, no I wasn't prepared for this.
 
Colleen, I also lost my husband suddenly, but it was 17 years ago. I remember going through a lot and railing at fate. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? I developed what I call my "T.I.H.I.I. Method" (This Is How It Is).

When I would get lost in the WOE IS ME! THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!! swamp, I'd remind myself This Is How It Is, pull up my big-girl Underoos and do what I have to do.

If you want to just talk to someone, I'm here. I can't guarantee I have any answers, but I can listen. PM me anytime.

Stay strong and be good to yourself. People forget to be good to themselves. There's no sugar-coating it, the holidays will be hard to get through. Do whatever you need to do to comfort yourself. If that's overeating a bit or drinking a little, so be it. This year will be hard. Next year will be a little easier. The year after, a little better. Never totally good, but better.
 
my husband died recently too..
i think it is a form of having to cope with such a tremendous impact on your life..
you've had to also cope with the loss of your son...no family...
no one to turn to for security or stability..
i understand and your ability to reach out to others puts you in a precarious position..
finding trustworthy loyal friends is not easy at any age..
so....we forego the work to do so..
Hugs and prayers for you
 
Colleen I am so sorry for your loss. My wife and I have been married for 53 years this month. I have already lived longer than my father and his father, so I may go first. I go to my doctor regularly and so far, all seems well, but I quietly worry for my wife. Intellectually, if I pass, I know she will be fine in the long run, but I just don't want her to go through it all. I helped my mom when my dad died and it was so hard for her, she moved closer to us and that allowed me to be available to her for any help she might need.

She did fine, but it was very hard for her, and she never really had the joy she had when dad was living.

So, I understand some of the emotions you are feeling, and I can assure you in time they will lessen, and some will actually stop hurting so bad. The hard part, from what I have seen, is moving on after the initial 3-6 months. I think my mom got stuck somewhere during that time. I tried to get her to go to a counselor or to someone at her church to help her move on. But she said she would be alright in dealing with it herself. Yet a couple of years later, I think she was still very much grieving the loss of my father.

I think getting help, if after a few months if you still are sad a lot of the time, is a better choice than grieving for years or even the rest of your life. None of us would want out spouses to grieve us that long after our deaths...
 
Colleen, you might enjoy a book club. I belong to one connected to the local library. About a quarter of the members are widows, but we never talk about husbands (or grandchildren for that matter) it's all about the books. I find it so much easier to talk to people when there's a subject we all share.
 
jujube said:
Colleen, I also lost my husband suddenly, but it was 17 years ago. I remember going through a lot and railing at fate. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? I developed what I call my "T.I.H.I.I. Method" (This Is How It Is).

When I would get lost in the WOE IS ME! THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!! swamp, I'd remind myself This Is How It Is, pull up my big-girl Underoos and do what I have to do.

If you want to just talk to someone, I'm here. I can't guarantee I have any answers, but I can listen. PM me anytime.

Stay strong and be good to yourself. People forget to be good to themselves. There's no sugar-coating it, the holidays will be hard to get through. Do whatever you need to do to comfort yourself. If that's overeating a bit or drinking a little, so be it. This year will be hard. Next year will be a little easier. The year after, a little better. Never totally good, but better.
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Thank you so much. Today is Thanksgiving. It was his favorite Holiday and we usually had his "kids" over for dinner. Now, his kids are in AZ and I'm here in PA....alone. The way I'm getting through today is to treat it like it's just another Thursday and do what I'd normally do on a Thursday.
 
bingo said:
my husband died recently too..
i think it is a form of having to cope with such a tremendous impact on your life..
you've had to also cope with the loss of your son...no family...
no one to turn to for security or stability..
i understand and your ability to reach out to others puts you in a precarious position..
finding trustworthy loyal friends is not easy at any age..
so....we forego the work to do so..
Hugs and prayers for you
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Thinking of you today and giving you a big (((HUG))).
 
I went through that too- Colleen, and mentioned it briefly in a different post here today- forget what post :oops:
Who was he, and where is he ? And is that him calling me on the phone from work?
I actually thought he walked up on the deck one day-
But these things happen when we experience a Sudden death as you and I did. For me it has been 29 years and sometimes I think I am still in shock over it.

I might have mentioned here somewhere that my Pastor died Very suddenly at age 60, that past April ,when he was waiting for the Tai Won Dow class to begin that our youth group is in. Nothing seemed wrong and I was with him the day before and he seemed so Healthy and we had a great conversation before our prayer group began.

At his funeral his wife said she kept thinking he would walk in the church any moment. I too felt the same way- so many of the men who came in from other churches or who were friends of his family, were dressed on black suits, about his same height and build, and had white hair like he did, and glasses, that many looked like him for a split second.

I still wonder why he died but no one talks about that. I wonder too if an autopsy had been done. His wife seems to be doing OK- but then again, I know she is still in shock. I still find it so hard to believe.
 
My condolences on your loss. My late wife was diagnosed with cancer, so I had time to mentally prepare for her loss. but that did not make it easier.
I joined an on line grief recovery group that helped me. One thing I had learned is that grief has no timetable. I have been helping my son deal with the loss of his wonderful wife using the experience I gained from the grief recovery group.
 
I'm sorry for your loss Colleen. What you described sounds like a Defense Mechanism to me. I have done the same as you. Just be gentle with yourself. You're psyche is adjusting to a new chapter in your life. That's difficult I know. All things in time.

All the best to you đź’“
 
You are in shock. It protects you from the deep grief. Those stages aren’t linear so you will go back and forth with them. I struggled with acceptance on and off myself. I recommend a support group for grief. I found them helpful and it can give you a support system. Your grief journey will be your own unique path but please know, you will move forward, even when you don’t feel like you are. My condolences to you.
 
Colleen said:
It's only been 6 weeks since my husband died suddenly and I've gone through all the "stages" of grief and I think I'm at the acceptance stage now.

What I'm experiencing now is very strange to me and maybe it's a "normal" thing but I'm hoping someone that's gone through this will be able to tell me or explain to me why this is happening.

As I said, it's only been 6 weeks, but almost from the beginning when he died, I feel like he's never been with me or been in this house. I get small memories of times together (we were married for 26 years) but most of the time, I feel like our life together was just a brief moment. I still have all his clothes here and when I look in his closet, I remember a little bit about what he looked like in a particular shirt, for example, but it seems strange to me. Am I still in shock?? Is this something that I made up in my mind to "protect" myself from the reality of what happened??? Can someone give me an explanation?
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I am so sorry, my condolences.

Yes my dear, this is shock. I do feel for you. Acceptance doesn't come this quickly, if ever. It is going to take time and you will go up and down but you will learn to live your life in a different way. Do talk to other widows and be kind to yourself.
Don't hurry about anything like your husband's clothes and other items, just do as you feel able. Make sure you eat, drink and rest in a routine. Tiredness will be constant but you combat it by sensible measures.

This is such a hard time, I am sorry for your huge loss.
 

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