Okay, I will open up...

David later version

David later version

New Member
I am a 75 year old male. I lost my wife of 42 years in 2021.

Lately, I've been deeply thinking about my death and the remainder of my life as of today. I live in a rural area and a retirement community (although not stated as such) where I have no real friends. I am surrounded by folks who are very different from me. I am a liberal-minded, soft-spoken gentleman who is spiritual but not religious. I am surrounded by staunch conservative people who are ultra christian (nothing wrong with that, just making a point) and seemingly do not share my opinions, my philosophy, my taste in music, social concerns, and a number of other areas.

I am very much a live-and-let-live kind of guy, whereas everyone else seems to have a problem with those of different viewpoints. That is not to say that this bothers me. Not in the least, but it does isolate me. I have my wonderful chi-weenie for companionship, yet I am achingly lonely.

I cry some every night before succumbing to sleep. Often, it is grief over the lose of my wife, but it is also tinged by I believe feeling sorry for myself. It is hard to tell the difference at times. On the upside, after a night of sadness, comes a morning of refreshed enthusiasm. It never lasts all day. I spent the last 20 years of my wife's life caring for her due to her many illnesses and conditions.

It was two decades of pain, embarrassment and confusion for her and 20 years of pure agony for me. By the end, she hated me for her own reasons of which I confess I never understood and I hated her for the agony she peppered me with. Both points of view were wrong, but there is no forgiveness after they are gone. The end product of all this mess was an overwhelming feeling of guilt and grief, that I still have not successfully worked through. She is either in an afterlife or nowhere; it's one or the other and none of us know the answer to that, although many claim to know.

...And now, I find myself here, in this moment. I no longer feel any guilt, but still suffer through landmines of grief that briefly wash over me unbidden. Emma is my treasure. My parents are long gone. I have one sister who I share a video-call with once a week, but she is very different from me so general conversation can feel stilted. I have two close friends from my past, one of which I speak to only through email, the other through phone calls every few weeks.

Through my life I have had a few successes:
I have published 4 novels but have not felt the urge to write again since my wife's passing.
I play acoustic guitar very well but have no one to practice with.
I love my Emma and play with her everyday to provide her stimulation and happiness.
I occasionally will sing at one of the nearby karaoke bars. I'm told I am good, but who knows?

But:
I am saddled with a constant low-level malaise that, more often than not, places me on my recliner in front of my TV, making me the cliche like so many other old men.
The crying, guilt, grief, and fear of the unknown.
The cloying, deep hurt of loneliness.
The constant effects of being a heart patient.

It might not seem so but, in fact, I am not depressed. I am a practitioner of it-is-what-it-is. I roll with the blows and only let all of my deeper feelings only surface in my journal which I have kept since 1980 or such as in this entry here. I also believe that sadness is part and parcel of getting old. I earnestly hope that I can reunite with my wife again in some form after I die, but I don't really know. All answers lie at death's door.

Thank you for allowing me to air my most personal doubts, fears and beliefs and I apologize if I offended anyone else's beliefs. I imagine I won't be posting anything else for awhile.

Humbly,

-David-
 

Thank you for trusting us with this David... What you need to do as many of us who have been in a similar postion as you.. have done, is to stay here posting on a regular basis, until our confidences are back up where they need to be, and we can once again face the world renewed, and we will be here to celebrate those times with you as your friends...
 
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David later version said:
I am a 75 year old male. I lost my wife of 42 years in 2021.

Lately, I've been deeply thinking about my death and the remainder of my life as of today. I live in a rural area and a retirement community (although not stated as such) where I have no real friends. I am surrounded by folks who are very different from me. I am a liberal-minded, soft-spoken gentleman who is spiritual but not religious. I am surrounded by staunch conservative people who are ultra christian (nothing wrong with that, just making a point) and seemingly do not share my opinions, my philosophy, my taste in music, social concerns, and a number of other areas.

I am very much a live-and-let-live kind of guy, whereas everyone else seems to have a problem with those of different viewpoints. That is not to say that this bothers me. Not in the least, but it does isolate me. I have my wonderful chi-weenie for companionship, yet I am achingly lonely.

I cry some every night before succumbing to sleep. Often, it is grief over the lose of my wife, but it is also tinged by I believe feeling sorry for myself. It is hard to tell the difference at times. On the upside, after a night of sadness, comes a morning of refreshed enthusiasm. It never lasts all day. I spent the last 20 years of my wife's life caring for her due to her many illnesses and conditions.

It was two decades of pain, embarrassment and confusion for her and 20 years of pure agony for me. By the end, she hated me for her own reasons of which I confess I never understood and I hated her for the agony she peppered me with. Both points of view were wrong, but there is no forgiveness after they are gone. The end product of all this mess was an overwhelming feeling of guilt and grief, that I still have not successfully worked through. She is either in an afterlife or nowhere; it's one or the other and none of us know the answer to that, although many claim to know.

...And now, I find myself here, in this moment. I no longer feel any guilt, but still suffer through landmines of grief that briefly wash over me unbidden. Emma is my treasure. My parents are long gone. I have one sister who I share a video-call with once a week, but she is very different from me so general conversation can feel stilted. I have two close friends from my past, one of which I speak to only through email, the other through phone calls every few weeks.

Through my life I have had a few successes:
I have published 4 novels but have not felt the urge to write again since my wife's passing.
I play acoustic guitar very well but have no one to practice with.
I love my Emma and play with her everyday to provide her stimulation and happiness.
I occasionally will sing at one of the nearby karaoke bars. I'm told I am good, but who knows?

But:
I am saddled with a constant low-level malaise that, more often than not, places me on my recliner in front of my TV, making me the cliche like so many other old men.
The crying, guilt, grief, and fear of the unknown.
The cloying, deep hurt of loneliness.
The constant effects of being a heart patient.

It might not seem so but, in fact, I am not depressed. I am a practitioner of it-is-what-it-is. I roll with the blows and only let all of my deeper feelings only surface in my journal which I have kept since 1980 or such as in this entry here. I also believe that sadness is part and parcel of getting old. I earnestly hope that I can reunite with my wife again in some form after I die, but I don't really know. All answers lie at death's door.

Thank you for allowing me to air my most personal doubts, fears and beliefs and I apologize if I offended anyone else's beliefs. I imagine I won't be posting anything else for awhile.

Humbly,

-David-
Click to expand...

Well, first of all, for what it's worth from someone you probably know absolutely nothing about, thank you for posting this. I wouldn't be surprised if you have struck a chord with many here. Some might mention those 'similar' things, thoughts and feelings. Others might hold them deep inside, never to be revealed. No doubt there is much here in your words that many of us have felt -- agonized and debeted only within ourselves.

How can I put it, and it's just a personal thought -- there is something heartbreakingly sincere in your post. I hardly ever use this phrase, in fact, I don't use it at all, either of myself or when referring to others. But in a way I feel you might be 'reaching out'. Not for answers -- maybe just wanting to be heard, and nothing more? Perhaps just simply to be acknowledged?

What could I acknowledge? There are so many layers of thoughts and feelings in your post, and it's difficult for me to know where to start. Perhaps that is as much of an acknowledgment as is needed at this time. I don't know, only you can tell if you feel acknowledged or not.

Do I sense some kind of significant inner resilience? A kind of defiance, perhaps, and a sense of just keep going? I hope so.
 
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My situation is somewhat like yours: I'm an old atheist, lefty, childless dog lady in a conservative area. I wonder if you would enjoy any kind of groups of younger people? When I could still get around and socialize, I found some kindred spirits amongst young adults. Anyway, welcome and I hope you keep posting; you're a great writer.

Is Emma his doggie?
 
Your style of writing captivated me right off. You express your thoughts so eloquently – what a great gift to possess. Sometimes it is difficult to become a separate person again after being with someone for a great number of years. For some reason, we tend to think as a couple, not as a separate entity. I really hope you stay here and keep posting. Posting on an online forum may seem unproductive but surprisingly, it can do a lot of good and you will get to know more of the “residents” here – some in similar situations, many with really practical advice. Welcome and……please stay.
 
Your post says you lost your wife four years ago. It's been 11 for me, but it seems it took me 4-5 years before I found a new normal. It's not the same normal, but it will have to do. I still have days I need to find a temporary escape from being home too much, so I get out for several hours. Be kind to yourself because you're not alone in these feelings. And, participation in the forum night be helpful to feeling more of a connection.
 
Magna-Carta said:
Well, first of all, for what it's worth from someone you probably know absolutely nothing about, thank you for posting this. I wouldn't be surprised if you have struck a chord with many here. Some might mention those 'similar' things, thoughts and feelings. Others might hold them deep inside, never to be revealed. No doubt there is much here in your words that many of us have felt -- agonized and debeted only within ourselves.

How can I put it, and it's just a personal thought -- there is something heartbreakingly sincere in your post. I hardly ever use this phrase, in fact, I don't use it at all, either of myself or when referring to others. But in a way I feel you might be 'reaching out'. Not for answers -- maybe just wanting to be heard, and nothing more? Perhaps just simply to be acknowledged?

What could I acknowledge? There are so many layers of thoughts and feelings in your post, and it's difficult for me to know where to start. Perhaps that is as much of an acknowledgment as is needed at this time. I don't know, only you can tell if you feel acknowledged or not.

Do I sense some kind of significant inner resilience? A kind of defiance, perhaps, and a sense of just keep going? I hope so.
Click to expand...
Magna-Carta,

Yes, I am defiant and the fact that I am still here defines my resilience. Surprising to myself, I posted my raw emotion, something that I never reveal in person. Immediately after posting, I felt embarrassed, but after reading replies, feel a love for my fellow unseen friends. Thank you.

-David-
 
David later version said:
Magna-Carta,

Yes, I am defiant and the fact that I am still here defines my resilience. Surprising to myself, I posted my raw emotion, something that I never reveal in person. Immediately after posting, I felt embarrassed, but after reading replies, feel a love for my fellow unseen friends. Thank you.

-David-
Click to expand...

I think we all embarrass ourselves at times -- or at least we think we do. Only to realise moments later that the feeling was misplaced and unwarranted, and then in reality has no real lasting place. Sharing something real and at times raw isn't necessarily a flaw. I don't want to over analyse that or turn it into a side conversation. But this type of rare openness of thoughts and personal feelings we all sometimes show is often quietly appreciated, more than we know. With the right response from others, we might even start to feel a bit liberated through what we have shared.

Sometimes at this stage, it’s best to let things sit for a bit -- think about what we might have given away about ourselves, then more importantly, smile over it, embrace it, and own it. I think this thread should be owned by you. You control it and decide where you want to take it. If you want to take it anywhere, that is. Some of us might follow you.
 
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@David later version , Welcome to the forum, your are among friends. As the admin of the forum, @Matrix strives to keep this forum a santuary:
Let’s Keep Senior Forums a Sanctuary

David later version said:
I am saddled with a constant low-level malaise that, more often than not, places me on my recliner in front of my TV, making me the cliche like so many other old men.
Click to expand...
Yes, sadly that is so common, I know of and struggle with that low-level malaise that you speak of. But there are solutions, for me it's attending various fitness classes at the gym and local Yoga Shala. Physical activity plus the social contact is absolutely priceless for boosting one's outlook, in very real ways. Best wishes to you, on your journey through the Golden Years.
 
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