Painful estrangement from my grown daughter

A

anntaylor

New Member
I am new to the forums and hope I can relate to others with my same issue: a long estrangement from my adult daughter, now aged 50. We were quite close when she was a child, but now she is angry because of my divorce and remarriage. She always disliked my second husband, and she would never respond to his overtures of friendship. As she grew older, she started to hate him more and remembered many examples of verbal abuse toward her. She was correct--that did exist, and I always felt in the middle and did not fully protect her.

This situation evolved over time until she continually wrote me blaming and shaming e mails, which became very depressing to me. Finally I could no longer keep any equilibrium after reading these hateful letters. I stopped responding to her, but never can rid my self of the endless guilt. The upcoming holidays are always painful as I do not what to do about gifts, cards, etc. I always send a gift, as she does, but it is only a token effort for both ourselves. I am afraid to stop this practice as it is our final connection. Yet I long to see her and talk with her again.
 

anntaylor said:
As she grew older, she started to hate him more and remembered many examples of verbal abuse toward her. She was correct--that did exist, and I always felt in the middle and did not fully protect her.

I always send a gift, as she does, but it is only a token effort for both ourselves. I am afraid to stop this practice as it is our final connection. Yet I long to see her and talk with her again.
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She has a right to resent you, if we can't depend on those who gave us life who can we depend on? Your first responsibility was to her above all others.

Having said the above, let me tell you, if I could invent a time machine and go back and change all my bad decisions and mistakes, I would end up changing half of my life. I have MANY painful regrets. Take heart that she still sends you gifts, she's keeping that bridge open. Send her those gifts and always add a personal note about how you regret not protecting her and wish you could undo the mistake. If she's over 18 she must have made some mistakes herself and will eventually forgive you yours. Give her time, don't pressure her.
 
anntaylor said:
Yet I long to see her and talk with her again.
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I know too well what you're going through. My daughter and I were very close until she hit her teen years and then it was some good times and more rough times. She started hanging around with the wrong crowd and got into drugs. I've talked with her on a few occasions but we'll probably never be close as we once were. And it hurts me deeply. She has a lot of anger in her but I think it's mostly anger at herself. She can't talk without lying about something and, according to her, all her problems are not her fault. I've not talked with her in two years or more. No calls or visits from her. No cards on birthdays or holidays.

I know I made some mistakes in the past and I've tried to discuss these things with her but she doesn't want to hear it. I've talked with her father about past mistakes and he said that we can't hold ourselves responsible for what she did once she became an adult. We tried everything we could think of when she was younger but nothing seemed to work with her. Her father and I have been divorced for 45 years and we can talk about the mistakes we made in the past and what we could've, should've, would've done if we had been more mature at the time. Our son will visit me and his daddy when he's not trucking. He sees his sister sometimes when she needs money.

I've not given up on my daughter; I still have hopes that we'll at least be able to communicate more freely before I die. But I also feel that, in my case, it's up to a higher being to allow it to happen. I can't force it.

My heart goes out to you. Please know you're not alone in going through this. I'm sure there are more than the two of us who are estranged from one of their children for whatever reason. I hope it will work out for you, and for her. I can't help but feel that my daughter still loves me and I believe your's does too. They may not realize it yet though.
 
Anntaylor, the exchange of "token" gifts indicates that there's some sentiments left between the two of you. If she's 50 there probably aren't a lot of years left to resolve the hard feelings. If it was me I think I'd voluntarily claim that I was the one in the wrong all this time and I'm sorry about it and can things somehow ever be OK between us?
I say that because my family left disputes unresolved and there's only two of us left alive out of the original five. Mom, Dad and a brother all exited the world with multiple, tangled messes of recriminations, accusations and counter accusations. Now it's too late to fix anything. The two of us still left are polite but distant.....family to us is suffering and neither of us needs any more.
Don't let the hard feelings go unhealed until it's too late.
 
I agree with others, keep the lines of communication open.

Don't try to gloss over the past, accept it and focus on a present and future relationship with your daughter.

Don't be afraid to take the risk of going beyond a token Christmas gift maybe sending an occasional note or card during the year will lead to a telephone call, a date for coffee, etc...

Wishing all the best to both of you.
 
PVC said:
She has a right to resent you, if we can't depend on those who gave us life who can we depend on? Your first responsibility was to her above all others.

Having said the above, let me tell you, if I could invent a time machine and go back and change all my bad decisions and mistakes, I would end up changing half of my life. I have MANY painful regrets. Take heart that she still sends you gifts, she's keeping that bridge open. Send her those gifts and always add a personal note about how you regret not protecting her and wish you could undo the mistake. If she's over 18 she must have made some mistakes herself and will eventually forgive you yours. Give her time, don't pressure her.
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Thank your for your response. I have been thinking about what you said about her wanting to keep the connection by sending gifts. I will continue doing this as I do not want to be the one to totally break the connection, as fragile as it may be. I doubt she will ever forgive me, but I can work on forgiving myself.
 
Suzy623 said:
I know too well what you're going through. My daughter and I were very close until she hit her teen years and then it was some good times and more rough times. She started hanging around with the wrong crowd and got into drugs. I've talked with her on a few occasions but we'll probably never be close as we once were. And it hurts me deeply. She has a lot of anger in her but I think it's mostly anger at herself. She can't talk without lying about something and, according to her, all her problems are not her fault. I've not talked with her in two years or more. No calls or visits from her. No cards on birthdays or holidays.

I know I made some mistakes in the past and I've tried to discuss these things with her but she doesn't want to hear it. I've talked with her father about past mistakes and he said that we can't hold ourselves responsible for what she did once she became an adult. We tried everything we could think of when she was younger but nothing seemed to work with her. Her father and I have been divorced for 45 years and we can talk about the mistakes we made in the past and what we could've, should've, would've done if we had been more mature at the time. Our son will visit me and his daddy when he's not trucking. He sees his sister sometimes when she needs money.

I've not given up on my daughter; I still have hopes that we'll at least be able to communicate more freely before I die. But I also feel that, in my case, it's up to a higher being to allow it to happen. I can't force it.

My heart goes out to you. Please know you're not alone in going through this. I'm sure there are more than the two of us who are estranged from one of their children for whatever reason. I hope it will work out for you, and for her. I can't help but feel that my daughter still loves me and I believe your's does too. They may not realize it yet though.
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Thank you Suzy 623. I too feel the time passing with probably no chance before I die to reconcile. The holidays are always so depressing, and probably will stay that way. My family of origin (mother, father, sister) are all gone now, but luckily I have a daughter and two grandchildren who I love and see often. I appreciate your story and know there are many more of us.
 
Since it was a long estrangement I think there's a better chance at reconciliation believe it or not. It's those with decades of suppressed resentment right or wrong that become a really big mess because it means older adults set in their ways and mindset just went to war. Long time feuds wind up being a cold war of sorts.
 
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@anntaylor = Just a suggestion.

Why not send her an email (don't call, email will give her a chance to think it over before responding) and ask her to meet you for coffee somewhere (a neutral place) to exchange the gifts. If she agrees, just talk about mundane things, never about the resentments, if she brings it up just say "I'm sorry'' and change the subject. I doubt if the meeting fails to reconnect you two that your relationship would be any worse than it is now.
 
as I see this is==== she's not married to him ' so really she doesnt need to get upset- she can meet up with u in a coffee bar
or SHOPPING MALL' it seems she has little respect for you sending hate mail , in fact she needs to grow up and start acting like a adult instead of a selfish kid ---your life' she has no write to keep the vendetta going waste of energy' seems she hasn't got much to say to you so she sends a gift out sounds more like a chore than of friendship.. would rethink on it !
 

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