Passive Aggression or Just Old Age?

[fureverywhere]

My Dad is looking at almost 100, born in nineteen twenty two. Still the social butterfly with his partner still living very well independently. But there was this cedar chest he wanted to give me. In it were things he saved for me over the years. He'd talk about it often.

We're almost ready to move the chest so he emptied the contents to boxes. My son and I can easily carry it out. Today I looked at what was in it. I can't be way sentimental anymore. With hubby's issues we'll be moving in 5-10 years. Much of it will go for a church rummage sale...quite alright.

Two things...one was a paper weight...one girl uh hem "borrowed" from a teacher and gave to her grandfather. The other a recipe box. One girl enjoyed cooking very much. The point is that both girls shattered my heart being estranged. Then he writes notes on each item mentioning them by name.

I guess some hurts can't be comprehended by others ya know? Maybe it was unintentional? At least I hope it was.

 

[Ruthanne]

I guess I'm not fully understanding. Who are these girls that were estranged? Why was your heart shattered? Sorry if I am being too intrusive.

 

[Butterfly]

I doubt it was anything other than just saving momentos, and probably he didn't mean to hurt your feelings. He probably was just saving stuff for you he thought you'd like to have. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Who knows how long those things had been in the box or how long ago he wrote the notes? Was it recent? I'd just let it go. OR, maybe he doesn't know the depth of your hurt over the girls. Anyway, I'd try to let it go -- he's your dad and he's very old.

 

[fureverywhere]

Quite all right...one was 14 when me and hubby separated. Even before then she was doing crap like temper tantrums where end tables flew down the hall. Presenting me with a picture of me holding her as a baby...but she ripped the picture apart. Because I wouldn't take her shopping for hair decorations that day?

She decided her drunken aunt was her "real mom", I'm only biological ya know? Freedom of choice is very important...gallows humor. The younger one influenced by her sister played us until 18. Eating disorders, doing time, stealing, cutting, lying about everything. I tried all I could to help...you can't help. I did the missing person's report when she almost died as a Jane Doe...

 

[nitelite]

I believe your Dad gave you those things with good intentions and out of love for you. Were these things saved for you before the estrangements? Having experienced estrangements myself, I'm wondering if you are hurt as a reminder of them rather than the gift from your father. I don't believe a 100 year old man would want to hurt his daughter's feelings at this stage of his life, but you are the one who knows your father. Perhaps it would be best to forgive your father and reevaluate your feelings.

 

[Buckeye]

Fur, God bless you, it breaks my heart to know what some daughters do to hurt their mothers. I don't think sons and fathers have the same issues, but I don't know why. I'm guessing your dad is just tying to share what was a happy memory for him, and not trying to cause you any pain.

My mother was born in 1923 and my step father was born in 1925. Those folks that grew up during the Depression and then lived thru WW2 are made of tough stuff. Give dad the benefit of the doubt on this one.

 

[fureverywhere]

Yes, I just chalk it off to him not quite understanding the world of today. Church donations and to a good cause. One thing very special was a robe...kimono style that belonged to my Mom. That will become a window drape in our bedroom. Even thirty years on it still smells like her. I never made peace while she was alive either, but she's with me every day now.

Who knows, maybe someday long after my ashes are tossed around the reservation...those girls will think of me. The two youngest are a boy and a girl. The boy 21 and the girl 15. They will remember Mami fondly. They will be able to tell Mr. Baby that grandma was awesome...don't listen to that other crapola.

 

[Debby]

You know fureverywhere, I've heard it said and do believe it, that forgiveness is something we do for ourselves and not for those who offend us. They often don't care at all that they offended you or that you forgave them, but it's good for you because it helps you step away from the kind of anger that can hurt you. Our bodies are so sensitive to stress and if the mere thought of them get's your blood pressure up, then it's hurting you at the cellular level.

My dad abandoned us when I was nine and I held onto my anger until I was about thirty or thirty five when I began to understand that his lousy 'parenting' really wasn't his fault because he just wasn't cut out to be a parent. I also began to understand that maybe he was simply a weak man and that was the only way he could escape from my mom! That was when I began to forgive him and the simmering irritations and anger that the mention of his name would arouse, began to dissipate. From your last paragraph, I think you sound like you're moving in that direction which is the best thing you could do for yourself. And remember, we pick our friends but family is too often, who we're stuck with.

Who knows, maybe your dad doesn't even recall any of your hurt and not because he doesn't care but just because he's old. Focussing on today with him would be so good for both of you I think.