Resilient Grieving, How To Find Your Way Through A Devastating Loss

[SeaBreeze]

February 26, 2025​

ARCHIEVE: How to survive your grief​

We've all heard of "the five stages of grief;" problem is, they're not based on solid science. Lucy Hone, director of the New Zealand Institute of Wellbeing & Resilience, joins host Krys Boyd to discuss why grieving looks different than what we've been taught previously and strategies for finding your way back to hope and normalcy. Her book is "Resilient Grieving: How to Find Your Way Through a Devastating Loss (Finding Strength and Embracing Life After a Loss that Changes Everything)." Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Listen· 46:12Playlist

https://www.npr.org/podcasts/478859728/think (third podcast from top of this webpage)

 

[Ontology Geek]

February 26, 2025​

ARCHIEVE: How to survive your grief​

We've all heard of "the five stages of grief;" problem is, they're not based on solid science. Lucy Hone, director of the New Zealand Institute of Wellbeing & Resilience, joins host Krys Boyd to discuss why grieving looks different than what we've been taught previously and strategies for finding your way back to hope and normalcy. Her book is "Resilient Grieving: How to Find Your Way Through a Devastating Loss (Finding Strength and Embracing Life After a Loss that Changes Everything)." Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Listen· 46:12Playlist

https://www.npr.org/podcasts/478859728/think (third podcast from top of this webpage)

I haven’t listened to the podcast and won’t due to my own possible triggers.

I just wanted to share for anyone trying to cope with unimaginable grief that it is perfectly okay to compartmentalize that trauma in order to function in the real world. No one can truly understand what you are going through except you. If you need to lock the doors to those memories, please know that it’s okay to do so, especially if you need to function day to day. Don’t feel forced to share anything with anyone unless you feel it will help you to heal.

May the universe be merciful, kind and gentle with you. And may you be that way for others.

 

[Ruthanne]

February 26, 2025​

ARCHIEVE: How to survive your grief​

We've all heard of "the five stages of grief;" problem is, they're not based on solid science. Lucy Hone, director of the New Zealand Institute of Wellbeing & Resilience, joins host Krys Boyd to discuss why grieving looks different than what we've been taught previously and strategies for finding your way back to hope and normalcy. Her book is "Resilient Grieving: How to Find Your Way Through a Devastating Loss (Finding Strength and Embracing Life After a Loss that Changes Everything)." Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Listen· 46:12Playlist

https://www.npr.org/podcasts/478859728/think (third podcast from top of this webpage)

Thanks for that! I just sent it to my email to read later. Was it helpful for you? If so, in what way?

 

[SeaBreeze]

Thanks for that! I just sent it to my email to read later. Was it helpful for you? If so, in what way?

You're welcome Ruthanne. I just caught the tail end of that last night on the radio, when I was already in bed with the lights out. I found it to be interesting, and plan to listen to the podcast in my computer room on my desktop computer. I really don't do much of anything like that on my smartphone.

I know I'm not letting my loss have too much of a negative effect on living my life alone now, I do cherish all of our good memories together and for me personally, that really helps. It's been five months ago today.

 

[MaddHollander]

I don’t think that a return to normalcy is ever possible, and isn’t a realistic goal, not when your heart has been ripped from your chest.

My wife succumbed to leukemia four years ago and I sought out bereavement counseling. It was during the pandemic and I could only FaceTime the therapist but I acquired some tools to control my emotions instead of my emotions controlling me, but nowhere near feeling or acting normal.

I eventually was able to have face to face therapy and also joined a bereavement support group, and it was beneficial but I still occasionally get bursts of grief; attacks of anger, guilt and loneliness and those tools don’t always help.

We’re all different, all works in progress and I’ve learned that what works for one person can devastate another.

 

[SeaBreeze]

I don’t think that a return to normalcy is ever possible, and isn’t a realistic goal, not when your heart has been ripped from your chest.

My wife succumbed to leukemia four years ago and I sought out bereavement counseling. It was during the pandemic and I could only FaceTime the therapist but I acquired some tools to control my emotions instead of my emotions controlling me, but nowhere near feeling or acting normal.

I eventually was able to have face to face therapy and also joined a bereavement support group, and it was beneficial but I still occasionally get bursts of grief; attacks of anger, guilt and loneliness and those tools don’t always help.

We’re all different, all works in progress and I’ve learned that what works for one person can devastate another.

Good and thoughtful post. I'm very sorry for the loss of your wife, may she rest peacefully knowing how strongly you love her and miss her. Sending you warm thoughts, hugs.

 

[SeaBreeze]

Thanks for that! I just sent it to my email to read later. Was it helpful for you? If so, in what way?

I listened to it this morning on my laptop. I think it was very useful and pointed out some things I was already doing. Of course, that's just me, and she made it clear that everything is individual and there are no rights and wrongs.

She said that some people really benefit from counseling, and some do okay without it. The night I called 911, the officers in my home gave me a grief counseling number to call at any time, day or night, I thanked them but never used it. The funeral home did the same for me, but I felt better off just dealing with it on my own privately, in my own way and in my own time. That is working well for me.

She suggested to not start doing things differently after the death, to continue to follow a normal routine, which I naturally did. I felt no urge to change anything, things were good for a long time, now I was just handling them on my own.

She mentioned that some people who don't see someone crying may think they're not grieving or sad at all, which is not true, because they don't see those people every hour of the day or night when they are all alone. Also, that some people get teary often after they lose a loved one, and that doesn't mean they need help or perpetually grieving, it's just normal for them in their particular relationship with a beloved spouse or child. I'm the latter, we were closely bonded and very much in love until the end, my heart is broken and tearing up at times is a healthy way to deal with the devastating loss. I was always a very emotional person.

She said that someone whose husband always did their taxes might be overwhelmed and break down crying at the computer. I'm blessed to have my husband's best friend travel from another part of town to do my taxes for me. He's very kind and trustworthy, my husband would be at peace knowing he was there for me during this sad time.

I'm glad I listened to the whole thing, I like that that station has shows addressing some personal issues people may be going through. I'll always share anything here that I think might benefit someone.

 

[MACKTEXAS]

Some months after my wife died, I went through a program called "Griefshare" that lasted several weeks. Following the weekly video, there was group interaction / discussion, which may have helped me somewhat.

I still know several of the people who were in those meetings. One thing I've noticed is, the ones who seemed to take their loss the hardest and were the most expressive, have rebounded the best, and some of those have even remarried, while the reverse has been true of those who seemed to have it all together.

Back then, I thought I was one of those who had it all together, but now I know I didn't. I was just trying to push my feelings aside and appear strong. I understand now that didn't work. I should have allowed myself to experience my grief instead of trying to bypass it. I'm okay now, but it took years to get here.

 

[SeaBreeze]

Some months after my wife died, I went through a program called "Griefshare" that lasted several weeks. Following the weekly video, there was group interaction / discussion, which may have helped me somewhat.

I still know several of the people who were in those meetings. One thing I've noticed is, the ones who seemed to take their loss the hardest and were the most expressive, have rebounded the best, and some of those have even remarried, while the reverse has been true of those who seemed to have it all together.

Back then, I thought I was one of those who had it all together, but now I know I didn't. I was just trying to push my feelings aside and appear strong. I understand now that didn't work. I should have allowed myself to experience my grief instead of trying to bypass it. I'm okay now, but it took years to get here.

Thank you for sharing that, I appreciate your insight, good advice for those who are grieving. My sympathy for your loss, hugs.

 

[CooCooforCoCoPuffs]

Lost everything I had my family, my animals, my house, my career, my entire "life" and existence back in 2012.
Has taken me until the last 18 months....10 years to begin to feel like a person again.
It is a struggle nearly everyday to not let waves of overwhelming grief or anger catch up with me.