Should I try to get my husband's driver's license taken away?

WheatenLover

WheatenLover

Senior Member
Location
Georgia
Please help me figure this out. I want to do the right thing or just stick my head in the sand. My kids are pressuring me to get my husband's license taken away. We are all worried that DH will kill or injure himself or someone else. So far, DH has not had any accidents that injured anything except his car, a rental car, and a few other cars -- over the course of his life.

My husband, from whom I am separated, probably needs to have his driver's license taken away. He drives over curves and gets flat tires pretty frequently. He sometimes drifts into the oncoming lane without noticing it. His foot slipped off the brake, for the first time I knew about it, and the car went forward and knocked over a handicapped sign.

The kids and I have noticed for several years that damage has been done to my husband's car. Sometimes he blames it on happening in a parking lot when he was not present. The kids want him off the road so their father doesn't injure or kill anyone, including himself. They also want me to never ride with him again. I go somewhere with him once a week (but never leave the car because I have cancer). If I did not do this, he would see anyone else he knows. He is very lonely.

My husband has had 6 strokes. Because of that, he can barely walk. His stride length is about an inch. He also a brain disorder similar to Parkinson's Disease. His cerebral cortex is shrinking. He falls several times a week, all of a sudden. He will use a cane once in awhile, refuses all other aids. He also has Diabetes type 2, for which he has made zero lifestyle changes. He is on a lot of meds from his regular doctor and from his neurologist. He has that disease where one has to use a CPAP machine. He refuses to use a CPAP. So this is untreated. He takes a lot of naps. He has smoked for 50+ years, about 1.5 packs a day.

All of the above has been going on since 2012.

To reach a bathroom, his bedroom, or the car, he has to go up and down stairs. He falls on the stairs, too. He will not move into a one-story apartment with no stairs, that is in town, where he can get services. He won't tell me why. I am 99% sure it is because he wouldn't have room for his 1500 books, and his law office. His law practice has dwindled to nothing and his books are his passion. He used to have 50,000 books. If he moved to town, he couldn't ride the bus because he can't walk to a bus stop. I think Uber is available one or two days a week. Taxi service has to come from a town about 40 miles away.

Here's where the problem gets complicated. My husband lives in the country. There are no public transportation, Uber, or taxi options. Instacart, Walmart home delivery of groceries, and Door Dash, etc. do not deliver to where he lives. It will be a cold day in hell before he buys food from a meal service. He does not know how to cook and likely can't stand long enough to do it anyway.

My husband has no friends (except for me --our kids are adults and none will have anything to do with him). Three of the four kids live in California which is across the country from us. The other one, our daughter, lives with me and refuses to have anything to do with her father (no different than my sons in CA).

I cannot provide transportation to my husband because I can't drive because of ongoing cancer treatment and the side effects from that.

My 2 questions are:

Do you think that my husband is in condition to drive a car? He goes out every day for at minimum a 20 mile round trip.

If you think his doctor should arrange to take his license away, how would you balance safety of him and others, against the fact that he will be stuck at home and unable to get to anywhere he wants or needs to go. No food. No Barnes & Noble, No restaurants. He will think his life has been totally ruined, and he'd be close to right.

Do not assume that my husband will be willing to help himself. Do not assume my husband will tell the truth, and the whole truth, if the doc or the dept of transportation asks him questions. If you do assume any of this, you will be 100% wrong to have done so.

And don't assume that my husband is addicted to alcohol or drugs, that he screws around on me, or that he hits me or anyone else. That he does not do. He is a narcissist, that's all. Do not assume he will stop driving if he gets his licensed revoked. Be glad if this happens that I can outrun him! :)
 

His license can't be suspended/revoked except by Due Process of law. That basically means court intervention or some rule/regulation of the Dept. of Motor vehicles that can be invoked, which, if possible, would take statements/affidavits etc.
 

1. He is not in a condition to drive a car. He is going to injure or kill somebody or himself if he continues.
2. It will totally ruin his life both psychologically and physically since he won't be able to cover for his mental and physical needs.

Very difficult dilemma without a correct decision.

You said you are separated from him yet you seem to still care for him.
At the very end you say that he is not a monster. Just a narcissist (which is a trait that many people have).
Furthermore you say that you ride with him somewhere once a week (which tells me that there's still some sort of relationship between the two of you).

I'm not sure what the reasons of your separation are and I don't really need to know.
My suggestion (for both of you) would be an agreement to get back together provided he gives up his license willingly and moves with you in your(?) town apartment. It solves many problems without creating new ones that cannot be overcome.
 
He doesn't care about anyone but himself according to your post.
Let go.
You're not separated. You're just living close by and traveling to and from.
Let go.
Tell him if he doesn't want your help then he's on his own.
Let go.
He's too proud, too stubborn, too selfish to change anything according to your post
Let go.
Tell him when he's ready to embrace what you tell him to do then he can call you, but otherwise
Let go.
At that point, call the many professional not-for-profit organizations out there that can help him at no charge.
Then Let go. Just pray for him because that's all that's left for you to do.
 
I was in the same situation with my dad - when he got to be around 83, he started hitting flower pots, signs & cars. I knew one day it would be a pedestrian. His wife stopped driving when she was around 40.
I started driving them everywhere every day for the last couple of years of their lives. Your husband definitely needs a driver, or else this can happen: (10 people killed, 70 injured)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santa_Monica_Farmers_Market_crash
 
ohioboy said:
His license can't be suspended/revoked except by Due Process of law. That basically means court intervention or some rule/regulation of the Dept. of Motor vehicles that can be invoked, which, if possible, would take statements/affidavits etc.
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An MD can report him. But no one has done so.
 
win231 said:
I was in the same situation with my dad - when he got to be around 83, he started hitting flower pots, signs & cars. I knew one day it would be a pedestrian. His wife stopped driving when she was around 40.
I started driving them everywhere every day for the last couple of years of their lives. Your husband definitely needs a driver, or else this can happen: (10 people killed, 70 injured)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santa_Monica_Farmers_Market_crash
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He can't afford a driver. My daughter, who lives with me, hates him and refuses to help him in any way. I haven't driven since I got cancer because the chemo, surgery, and radiation have too many side effects to make it a safe option.

I am real strict about driving. I look at the cars around me and pretend the drivers are people I dearly love. As a direct result of that, no road rage or getting angry or impatient. And I've never been stopped by the police, and have had only one accident when someone ran a red light and hit my car. I try real hard not to hurt anyone with my car.
 
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It feels like something else is going on.

If your sons live out of state and your daughter has nothing to do with him it seems like they would have no direct knowledge of his ability to drive.

I would stop riding with him if I felt that his driving was dangerous.

The DMV guidelines vary from state to state so I would check the DMV website and follow the procedures outlined for your area.

Good luck to you and your family.
 
Lara said:
You're not separated. You're just living close by and traveling to and from.
Let go.

At that point, call the many professional not-for-profit organizations out there that can help him at no charge.
Then Let go. Just pray for him because that's all that's left for you to do.
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No, we are separated. My plans were messed up. I was going to move to a state in which I have friends and family, where there is no snow, and buy a house. Then Covid happened and I got cancer.

The only reason I go 1.5 miles down the street to a fast food restaurant, to eat with him in the car, is that I am literally the only person who will talk to him. I feel sorry for him. I know he is lonely. I also know he is not willing to do anything about it.

Pretty much, he wants me to move back in and take care of everything. Right now he can't do a lot of things because of his illnesses. No big change -- he never did any of those things (re house and yard) to begin with.

Besides all that, I just feel badly/guilty about being the only person there for him (in my minimal way) because he is so lonely, and so disabled and sick. I cannot imagine living in a world in which I had no friends to talk to. Having me and the kids seemed to fill his social tank. Now he just has me.

For 40 years, I was a Christian. Now I am an Agnostic/Atheist. I still think a lot of things in the Bible are important. Among them is "Love one another as I have loved you". (May be paraphrased). Nowhere does it says make sure to wait until one of the people loves you first. Nor does it say that this command is only talking about loving people who are just like you.

Nor does it precisely define how Jesus loved us. In the OT, in Hebrews if I remember correctly, we are instructed to be hospitable to strangers, because some of them might be angels. I think this love stuff is connected somehow to the NT -- but I no longer recall how I worked that out.

The big thing here is that I think that people are social creatures and are not meant to live their lives alone. So it seems to me that with my husband literally only being willing to have me spend time with him (since the triplets moved to CA and hate him), it would be unloving to leave him alone even though he is not interested in loving others as Jesus has loved him.

Frankly, I do not think my husband knows what love is, and I don't think he loves me (although he thinks he does). He is in this marriage for himself. Also since two of my kids are autistic, I think my husband is too. Once he asked me if I thought he was autistic too, and when I said yes, he refused to talk about it any longer. Which led to me thinking that he can't help being autistic or mentally ill (narcissism), so he should be treated in a loving manner since this was not his fault. Sometimes I think, even though in general people think I am very practical and have plenty of common sense, that maybe I am just smart but not in those ways.

But I do think that Jesus commandment is very important, whether or not one is a Christian.

OTOH, my kids think that I was an abused wife (by his narcissism) and am just programmed by him over the years to serve him. This despite the fact that the decisions I've made throughout our long marriage have to do with doing what was best for my kids, and trying to reason with my husband with provable facts, and lack of money.

Also I made plenty of mistakes in my life, despite thinking things through very carefully, that had deleterious effects upon my life. The pre-Covid plan to leave him was the first time I had the means via an inheritance to do so. I actually invited him to move with me, and he refused, saying that if I did that I would ruin his life. I was going to do it anyway. Time I stood up for myself and did something I had wanted to do for 30 years. My plan was to stop focusing on my mistakes since they were in the past, and move forward. These were big mistakes that changed the course of my life for the worse.
 
senior chef said:
If I was in your situation I'd be asking myself, "What if he killed a young mother and 3 children in a head-on crash ?" And, if that happened how would I feel ? To my way of thinking, nothing else matters. Not his feelings. Not his beloved books. Not his independance.
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The only problem with that is he will do nothing to help himself. He will instead blame me for ruining his life (a refrain I have only heard a couple of times). He will be more angry than at any other time, and he will very likely continue to drive.

The first time was when he had to declare bankruptcy because he had 20 unpaid credit cards with limits up to $20,000, he lost a job which put our house into foreclosure. This was because we owed less than we paid for it. I was not on the mortgage or on any other asset because he wouldn't let me be. I didn't know about the credit cards. The only way I found out about our financial situation was he went out of town with his laptop and I would only give him the password if he agreed I could take over the finances. I am an accountant and something was really wrong at his income level compared to our lifestyle.

The second time was when we moved to another state, and 8 years later, I did not have the money to pay both the office rent and the house rent. He wanted me to pay the office rent and just get evicted from our rental house. I couldn't do that, so he agreed to move the office to our home. The next day he signed a 3 year lease on the office, and got evicted.

He blamed me for both situations in their entirety even though I could prove with FACTS (numbers don't lie when backed up with bank statements) that I had nothing to do with it and had been frugal the entire time.

Times 3 & 4 were when I decided to move out of state and when I moved out of the house 8.5 months ago to prevent my cancer-ridden self from catching Covid from him, and to prevent me from getting sick since I could not clean and he refused to.

In that 8.5 months, his house was never cleaned, and it is now full of mice on all three floors. Mice carry disease. He won't hire an exterminator and he won't hire a maid -- and he wouldn't do so even though I offered to pay for it. I rescinded the offers in April, and he is unwilling to pay for it out of his own funds because then he'd have to stop eating in restaurants twice a day (which he has done for 35 years), not buy books, and not spend money on Brooks Bros. clothes. He was always a clotheshorse.
 
terry123 said:
Since you cannot let go, you need to move back in and drive him everywhere. Just my opinion of course.
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I can't. I have an aggressive cancer, for which I have undergone treatment for a year, so far. I cannot drive due to side effects of treatment. He hasn't cleaned the house ever, and since I was to sick to do so until I had the strength to move (from house to car to my house and from car), the total time the house hasn't been cleaned is about a year. It is full of mice, it is filthy, and he is unable to take care of me if I move back in. Not that he would, by the way. He has never taken care of me when I needed help.
 
Aunt Bea said:
It feels like something else is going on.

If your sons live out of state and your daughter has nothing to do with him it seems like they would have no direct knowledge of his ability to drive.

I would stop riding with him if I felt that his driving was dangerous.

The DMV guidelines vary from state to state so I would check the DMV website and follow the procedures outlined for your area.

Good luck to you and your family.
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Son #1 moved to CA in early November last year. He was supposed to move in with me, and had bought everything he needed and moved it into the house. But he was in love with his boyfriend and moved out. They had been boyfriends online for 2 years and were very close to one another. But they had never met. So I paid for the boyfriend to visit for a couple of weeks (in an Airbnb they both stayed in). Then they stayed in my rental house for another week, and with my daughter for a few days, and then went to CA. I was not around them because of the cancer/Covid problem.

Son #2 moved out of my house in March, and joined his brother (son #3) who had already moved out. The idea after #1 moved to CA, was that #2 and #3 would split the week with me (one at a time) and their father. But they both moved in with me. Son #3 was spending all his time sleeping, using his medical marijuana constantly, and watching tv all night. Twice he had to go to the ER at his request because he OD'd on the edible marijuana. Son #2 had his days and nights reversed. They both spent a lot of $$ on door dash and never cleaned up after themselves. Then they surprised me by moving my daughter in. All 3 of them said I would have to evict them under the law (they were right).

Then Son #3, who is bipolar, went off his meds and refused therapy. He became very hateful toward my daughter and me -- cussing and accusing us of things that did not happen -- which when I said that, he said I was a lying abuser. So he moved out into a hotel.

Son #2 listened to everything Son #3 said (no surprise, the boys are triplets) and moved in with his brother and paid for the hotel and everything else.

Son #3 (untreated bipolar) self-medicated with pot and alcohol. He was very verbally abusive to Son #2. Finally Son #2 decided to move to CA.

When that happened Son #3 called his brothers and told them that all 3 had only 3 years more to live because they had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Then he went to the ER and demanded to be diagnosed with it, to no avail. It did not matter that I had been a teetotaler for 7 years before I got pregnant with them, and for 16 years thereafter. He said I was an alcoholic.

Son #3 moved to CA to be with his brothers, even though they both told him not to come. He showed up last week without warning. So far Son #2 refuses to see him because he continues to be extremely verbally abusive. Son #1 said he would immediately call the police if Son #3 showed up at his home.

My daughter, whom I would not have chosen to live with (she hates cleaning) stayed and she has been very helpful. She drives me to my appointments and takes full care of my dog. She runs all our errands. She even does housework. She is a full-time graduate student studying for a MS in data analytics and works as a graduate student in the data analytics field in exchange for her tuition. She is going part-time because the dog and I, cooking meals, cleaning, and driving take up pretty much all of her time. She has really come through for me, and I am very proud of her.

Edited to add: While living at my house, Son #3 also frequently threw things at my daughter and me, threw away some of my belongings, etc. It was like he was having extreme tantrums and it scared both of us.
 
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terry123 said:
Then just let go and take care of yourself.
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I can't figure out why I can't. I mean, if I look at the facts of my time being married to him (not that it is all his fault -- I have never been perfect), then he really doesn't deserve me to try to keep him from being lonely -- although seeing him for an hour once a week is not exactly a lot, I do talk to him on the phone several times a week, too.

OTOH, I have this love one another thing going. And I can't reconcile that with leaving him with no one to talk to and see.

And then there's him, wanting me to move back in, which would be the worst thing for someone in my condition. That isn't loving to me. But loving one another does not mean one has to wait to be loved first. No one wants to be friends with him, mostly because he doesn't want to be friends with them. I think, frankly, it is because no one is good enough for him, except for me and he used to get a lot of work out me.

I realize I am all screwed up about this. And I don't know why. There is not one person who knows my husband who thinks I should worry about him. And yet, before covid and cancer, I was looking at houses in another state with firm plans to happily move there with my dog and any of my kids who wanted to move there too. I was looking forward to being with my family and friends. And to being without my husband. I was also looking forward to being able to live like I want to, and to figure out how to get back to my real self who existed before I was consumed by being a wife, mother, and problem solver, housekeeper, etc. for my family.

And I was ecstatic about moving back home, to a place I should have never moved from because I was so happy there. I had a job that I loved so much I felt guilty for being paid for it. I had tons of friends and family. I had everything I ever wanted, with plans for the future. I've been back on visits over the 12 years (once the kids were old enough to take care of themselves), and it was like finally being back home.
 
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WheatenLover said:
My daughter, whom I would not have chosen to live with (she hates cleaning) stayed and she has been very helpful. She drives me to my appointments and takes full care of my dog. She runs all our errands. She even does housework. She is a full-time graduate student studying for a MS in data analytics and works as a graduate student in the data analytics field in exchange for her tuition. She is going part-time because the dog and I, cooking meals, cleaning, and driving take up pretty much all of her time. She has really come through for me, and I am very proud of her.
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You certainly have a lot to contend with but an attentive daughter is indeed a blessing.
Give her a hug from an old woman in Australia. 🤗
Have a couple for yourself too 🤗 🤗
 
CAKCy said:
1. He is not in a condition to drive a car. He is going to injure or kill somebody or himself if he continues.
2. It will totally ruin his life both psychologically and physically since he won't be able to cover for his mental and physical needs.

Very difficult dilemma without a correct decision.

You said you are separated from him yet you seem to still care for him.
At the very end you say that he is not a monster. Just a narcissist (which is a trait that many people have).
Furthermore you say that you ride with him somewhere once a week (which tells me that there's still some sort of relationship between the two of you).

I'm not sure what the reasons of your separation are and I don't really need to know.
My suggestion (for both of you) would be an agreement to get back together provided he gives up his license willingly and moves with you in your(?) town apartment. It solves many problems without creating new ones that cannot be overcome.
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He doesn't have simply the traits, he has the whole enchilada. I didn't believe my kids for years, and I spent countless hours researching it. Still, I had trouble believing it. Finally came around to agreeing with them because I think they are right.

I feel sorry him because he has no friends except for me. No one likes him and he doesn't like them either. I don't know why. He is perfectly friendly when someone is a client and is paying him the big bucks. Otherwise, no.

He keeps telling me he is very lonely. So I decided to spend an hour a week with him, and to talk to him on the phone several times a week. This in the spirit of loving one another as Jesus loves us. Even though I am an agnostic/atheist, I still think this is a good rule of life.

He can't live here. I have a 2-bedroom house. He does not clean up after himself or do anything else having to do with housework. He never has, but now he can't. I can't. And my daughter can't take care of him too. She would have to drive him, and clean up after him, cook meals to his standards, do his laundry, and find someone to get him up when he falls, keep him from feeding the dog his food (dog still has 5 lbs to lose), and when he is incontinent, clean up everything his bowels anoint.

A couple of weeks a plumber came to his house to fix the toilet. The plumber actually cleaned the bathroom. It had not been cleaned for a year or more.

My husband does not throw things in the trash. He throws them on the floor. His house is full of mice because of his filthy habits.

I cannot live like that. I like a tidy house, kept clean, and organized. This is very important to me. I cannot return to being his slave, basically.

Also my daughter will move out if he moves in, and I don't blame her. He won't move in, though. He's already told me that, although I didn't ask him to. He is the first person I've ever met who will do absolutely nothing to help himself. He is unsafe in the house he lives in, and refuses to move to an apartment that has no stairs, in town.

His behavior ruled by whatever makes him so stubborn. He has never taken my advice on anything except when forced to do so by outside forces beyond his control (bankruptcy, foreclosure). I think it is because I am a female, and he has clearly defined roles for women.

By the way, he was not like this when he was courting me. There were red flags, but being both stupid and in love, I didn't notice them.

I can stop seeing him and talking to him. I am afraid he will kill himself "by accident". He frequently falls. He refuses to keep his *charged* cell phone with him so he can call for help. He refuses to wear one of those things that he could press a button and help would be contacted. He could lie there for days and starve to death. Or break his neck.

This is a man who has repeatedly told me over 3+ decades that he wants every available measure taken to keep him alive if he is ever hospitalized. He would rather be in a coma for years, still having the hope he would come out of it. No DNRs for him. So I don't think he has a death wish. In fact, he told me that the last time I saw him. I can't figure it out. His quality of life seems to be very poor and it will never get better.

And I hate being a person who says no to every solution. I can't talk to him about this because he will get mad and refuse to discuss whatever it is. The only thing I haven't tried to discuss with him is losing his license. He will get extremely mad, refuse to discuss it, and I do not know what else. All the other problems he has, that have good solutions, he refuses to do, and he won't tell me how he reached those decisions.

I have 35 years of living with him. How can I not care about someone I've lived with for more than half my life? My kids don't understand this. He thinks he was a wonderful #1 father. The kids recall that he was rarely home and worked 7 days a week by choice. When they were 5 and 6, the whole family was around the dinner table. My husband was only home for dinner on major holidays. I asked the kids to tell us what their favorite presents were. They said, in unison, Daddy being home for dinner. I thought hearing that would make him think. But it had no effect on him, except for a big smile.
 
WheatenLover said:
He doesn't have simply the traits, he has the whole enchilada. I didn't believe my kids for years, and I spent countless hours researching it. Still, I had trouble believing it. Finally came around to agreeing with them because I think they are right.

I feel sorry him because he has no friends except for me. No one likes him and he doesn't like them either. I don't know why. He is perfectly friendly when someone is a client and is paying him the big bucks. Otherwise, no.

He keeps telling me he is very lonely. So I decided to spend an hour a week with him, and to talk to him on the phone several times a week. This in the spirit of loving one another as Jesus loves us. Even though I am an agnostic/atheist, I still think this is a good rule of life.

He can't live here. I have a 2-bedroom house. He does not clean up after himself or do anything else having to do with housework. He never has, but now he can't. I can't. And my daughter can't take care of him too. She would have to drive him, and clean up after him, cook meals to his standards, do his laundry, and find someone to get him up when he falls, keep him from feeding the dog his food (dog still has 5 lbs to lose), and when he is incontinent, clean up everything his bowels anoint.

A couple of weeks a plumber came to his house to fix the toilet. The plumber actually cleaned the bathroom. It had not been cleaned for a year or more.

My husband does not throw things in the trash. He throws them on the floor. His house is full of mice because of his filthy habits.

I cannot live like that. I like a tidy house, kept clean, and organized. This is very important to me. I cannot return to being his slave, basically.

Also my daughter will move out if he moves in, and I don't blame her. He won't move in, though. He's already told me that, although I didn't ask him to. He is the first person I've ever met who will do absolutely nothing to help himself. He is unsafe in the house he lives in, and refuses to move to an apartment that has no stairs, in town.

His behavior ruled by whatever makes him so stubborn. He has never taken my advice on anything except when forced to do so by outside forces beyond his control (bankruptcy, foreclosure). I think it is because I am a female, and he has clearly defined roles for women.

By the way, he was not like this when he was courting me. There were red flags, but being both stupid and in love, I didn't notice them.

I can stop seeing him and talking to him. I am afraid he will kill himself "by accident". He frequently falls. He refuses to keep his *charged* cell phone with him so he can call for help. He refuses to wear one of those things that he could press a button and help would be contacted. He could lie there for days and starve to death. Or break his neck.

This is a man who has repeatedly told me over 3+ decades that he wants every available measure taken to keep him alive if he is ever hospitalized. He would rather be in a coma for years, still having the hope he would come out of it. No DNRs for him. So I don't think he has a death wish. In fact, he told me that the last time I saw him. I can't figure it out. His quality of life seems to be very poor and it will never get better.

And I hate being a person who says no to every solution. I can't talk to him about this because he will get mad and refuse to discuss whatever it is. The only thing I haven't tried to discuss with him is losing his license. He will get extremely mad, refuse to discuss it, and I do not know what else. All the other problems he has, that have good solutions, he refuses to do, and he won't tell me how he reached those decisions.

I have 35 years of living with him. How can I not care about someone I've lived with for more than half my life? My kids don't understand this. He thinks he was a wonderful #1 father. The kids recall that he was rarely home and worked 7 days a week by choice. When they were 5 and 6, the whole family was around the dinner table. My husband was only home for dinner on major holidays. I asked the kids to tell us what their favorite presents were. They said, in unison, Daddy being home for dinner. I thought hearing that would make him think. But it had no effect on him, except for a big smile.
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As hard as it sounds you don't have many options and you are not responsible for his behavior. I've been in depression for the last 14-15 years and never did much to get out of it. My wife finally found the courage to overcome her guilt (and whatever she felt, if she did, for me) and left me to go back to the States. I was left alone in a condition very similar to your husband's. But I understand why she left and why it's right for her not to come back ever.

If you can overcome the guilt and manage to live in a blissful ignorance about him and his condition then going ahead with your pre-covid plans is your only logical option.

(Could he afford a live-in help?)
 
Have you considered talking to him about moving to retirement housing? My sister was a manager at a senior apartment complex where one building was independent living and the other was for people no longer able to take care of themselves without help. They had various activities a person could join, areas for social gathering, and a van to take people shopping. It would keep him from being lonely and he wouldn't have to drive.
 
CAKCy said:
(Could he afford a live-in help?)
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No, unfortunately not. And if he could, he wouldn't let them in the house. I suggested getting a home health aide, and he refused that, too. Actually, I was hoping that Medicare would cover it, but it is a waste of time for me to check on that.

Oh, and my pre-covid plans are not going to work. I have at least a year before I recover from the side effects of cancer treatment.

Plus, to add insult to injury, my son now has control of my inheritance. This son is the one everyone who knows him completely, 100%, trusts. So did my mother. She talked to him, and so did I about him inheriting my share of her estate. He agreed to do it, knowing the plan was for me to buy a house, invest money for profit (which I am good at if I have money), and fund my retirement after I separated from my husband.

The bank account was in my son's name but I had access to it. He had access to it, too, with his debit card. In late March, he asked me to give him the password and user name to the bank account. We would both be on it, but he wanted to be more involved and learn how to handle the account, etc.

Once I gave it to him, he immediately changed the password. That is how he funded my bipolar son's living in a hotel from that point forward. He moved into the hotel with his brother right before he conned me into giving him the user/name and password.

He has promised to pay my bills since my social security is $150 less than my rent. He did not actually do that for several months. Then he made me give him my user name and password for other bills - my husband's life insurance, the dog's insurance, and utilities. Else he would not pay for those things. So far, he is doing that, but it made a big problem since I had set up auto payments using his debit card. But then he got a new debit card with a new number and didn't tell me.

He has faithfully paid all bills concerning the dog. That surprised me because the dog had surgery and 3 visits to the emergency vet. Those e-vet visits were around $500 each, and I don't remember what the surgery cost. But that's because my daughter handled those transactions, and I have chemo brain. That is like having big senior moments because chemo passes through the blood/brain barrier. It should resolve over time, and I can already see progress toward that goal.

He also promised to pay for my clothes and food and other things. To make sure, I called him and went over each cart (Chewy and Walmart) because he likes to approve my purchases.

Now, my mother and I had decided that we would put my part of the inheritance into a trust for me. But she was too sick and died a week later without that being done. She was real worried that my husband would get ahold of the money and spend it rapidly. She had esophageal cancer and uterine cancer that had suddenly metastized after the 5-year all clear. We took her to that famous cancer center in Houston. She had 6 months to live, but she died 2 weeks later, after getting rapidly worse.

So the trust thing didn't work out. Now my bipolar son has moved to California to be with his brothers - who do not want him there. He is just after the money my other son has control over. His mental illness is not treated except by his use of medical marijuana and alcohol. He is violent (verbally and by throwing things) and is just not having rational thoughts about anything.

My friends and husband cannot believe that Stephen took the money because every single person he knows, including me, thought he was literally 100% trustworthy. And he was, until that happened. He took the money so he could fund his new life. He is autistic, and refuses to get treatment or help for adults who have autism. He has never had a job.

I just hope he doesn't run through the money because I need a lot of it in order to frugally support myself. My husband is not going to give me any alimony or money. He needs his all for himself. He runs through money like water, no matter how much or little he has.
 
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caroln said:
Have you considered talking to him about moving to retirement housing? My sister was a manager at a senior apartment complex where one building was independent living and the other was for people no longer able to take care of themselves without help. They had various activities a person could join, areas for social gathering, and a van to take people shopping. It would keep him from being lonely and he wouldn't have to drive.
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Yes, I have. He refuses to consider it. I told him his health is getting worse as it is not curable. I said that he needs to have a plan in place for when he is no longer able to live in that house. He made no reply and refuses to discuss it.

Since he has been falling a lot lately, I suggest a walker (wide, not made of aluminum) one of the members here has, and which helped her not to fall. He refused to let me buy it for him, because he will never use it. Then he quit talking about it with me.

He has always been an ignore problems and they will go away guy. He has always expected his ship to come in and had plans for that, but the ship never arrived.

Mostly I don't talk about him to my friends IRL because this all sounds unbelievable to me. I have never met anyone who is like my husband in these odd ways.
 


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