Showing respect by nursing homes to families of recently departed patients.

oscash

oscash

Senior Member
Location
Sydney - Australia
As I mentioned earlier in a post my dear friend passed away last Saturday, 6th January. Her son being quite distressed asked me to help him collect her clothing etc. He rang the home and said if they could leave her clothing in the wardrobe, we would go through it and fold them up into bags. When we arrived, we had to do the routine for Covid testing then proceeded to her room. When we got there, we were shocked to see her wardrobe empty and on asking someone they said they were down in the basement for collection. When we looked through the bags, we discovered they had been shoved in and a terrible mess. We took some bags away and will have to return for the remainder.

The worst part is, my friend had been a patient for 2 years, and not one of the staff came over to offer their condolences to her son. I was disgusted, because it seemed they didn't care. Surely when they do their training, they should be taught how to treat grieving relatives.? I'm not going to let this pass; I will send a stern letter to the owners of the home. I doubt it will do any good, but at least I will have the satisfaction of letting her son know that "someone cared".

Even when we had our dog put down the Vet sent us a lovely condolence card.
 

First, I'm so sorry you lost your friend. I can only imagine you are heartbroken right now. My sincere sympathies.

Second, I can't believe the indignity shown by the facility and the indifference of the caregivers where she was staying. When my mother passed away in assisting living, they left everything in her room and gave us whatever time we needed to clean out her apartment. When we left for the final time, the nurses came up to hug me and tell me what a wonderful lady she was.

I'm very sorry.
 
"Surely when they do their training, they should be taught how to treat grieving relatives."

Not at that nursing home, apparently. But Yes, it should be required, and repeated at least every couple years.

My son was a CNS and worked at 2 different nursing homes, 1 skilled nursing home, and a hospice. Only the skilled nursing and the hospice trained staff completely. The 1st nursing home he worked at only sent new staff to 3 two-hour training sessions; sanitation & safety (specifically, housekeeping & bed-making), personal care & hygiene, and CPR & first-aid.

Bare minimum for the facility to maintain a license in that state. There were lots of other requirements, but they offered minimum training for their "experience required" employees.
 

I have been working in nursing homes since 1996. Whenever a resident passes away, the family is contacted of course. But a little later, the family will receive a call, and they will be asked what do they want to do with their mom's or dad's clothing and possessions. Sometimes if the resident didn't have any personal possessions the family will donate the clothing to the nursing home for other residents. If a family says they will come in and sort through their loved one's possessions, we leave everything where it is, until they come in.

There are times that I have gone into a resident's room (sometimes it's a single room, sometimes it has 2 residents in it), and took the resident's clothing out of the dressers or closets, and packed the clothing and possessions up for the family if they can't come in right away. We have always been told to fold the clothing neatly and put then into boxes. We were always told that the clothing and possessions belongs to someone that the family loved. The are no basements at our facility, and even if there were, we never would put anything down there.

I am proud about how we handle the belongings of residents that have either passed on or have simply left the facility to go home or to another nursing home.

I can't speak for the employees in that nursing home, but they are not like the employees in the nursing homes that I have worked in. Day after day, you see these elderly people everyday that we work. After awhile they become like our friends or family. We when one of them passes away, we grieve for them. There are some that you get so attached to, that sometimes you find yourself about to cry when you find out that one you really were fond of has passed away.

We lost about 10 residents to Covid several years ago. We missed them so much. They were our friends. In a way, they were like our extended family.

Do not judge all nursing homes by what you have observed in some.
In a previous nursing home where I worked, a man from Arkansas, who was visiting, couldn't believe how bright, clean, the place was, and well cared for the residents were. I told him that New York State has very high standards when it comes to nursing homes. Yearly, there are the state inspectors who come for about a week. They check and inspect everything. They always seem to find something to complain about, no matter how hard we try.
 
I'm so very sorry. Many people who work in nursing homes care. And many don't. And it seems the ones who don't care seem to be in the good graces of management because they don't put in overtime, are usually fake nice to management because their job isn't stressing them to the max.

They may have wanted to clear the room out for another person to be admitted. Whatever the case, the behavior is unacceptable. They should have at least decent handled bags and the items should have been treated with respect. Things can get asked about or reported to next shift and the oncoming person may not care and not pass the information along or put it in a communication computer board if they are on computers. It wasn't right and again I'm very sorry.
 
Unfortunately, nursing homes are a "business" and businesses can be heartless.

There's always someone waiting for a bed and the homes, especially the for-profit homes, want to "turn" that bed as fast as possible. It's not kind and it's hard on the family, but it's a fact of life.

My brother-in-law died this week. He was living in a nursing home operated by Catholic nuns. You could not ask for a more loving environment. Those devoted ladies would never rush a family.....it's not in their method of care. But then, they answer to a "higher authority" than a faceless company.
 
My Uncle died in a nursing home is Northern Ontario in Feb. years ago. I was the executor of his estate but was working in the Arctic at the time and it took me almost a week to get to where he was and to arrange his funeral then eventually get to the nursing home he had been in to collect his stuff and settle any outstanding expenses etc..

I cleaned out his stuff, which was still in his room but noticed there was a very significant jacket missing from his closet. I know it was there because I saw it when I moved him in there years before. The jacket was from a major Canadian sporting event that my Uncle had been a part of in 1949. It was a jacket he earned for his participation in the Curling Championship, called the Brier, in 1949. It had championship patches all over it etc. I doubt it was worth and money per se but it was a very significant sentimental piece that someone in that place stole from a dying or dead man.

Of course I made a fuss about it with the admin. at the nursing home but they offered no information on what had happened to the jacket. All I know is that at some point, someone went into his closet and took that jacket from him. I just hope my Uncle didn't know it was stolen before he died!

What some people will do is nothing short of shocking!
 
I hate to say it but the moment your loved one has passed they want you to come clear out the room asap. This is a business and they want to ge the next paying human in there as quickly as possible.

That does not mean that did not give your relative attention, the required care but is simply business once a person has passed. We did not take it personally but just as reality.

This is why I say I would sooner take my life, have some say so about the end of my life, than people/corporations just in it for the money. Let's face it folks, at ;least here you are looking at 4 to 5 thousand a month for care in assisted living. The facts are our relatives are sleeping about 20 hours a day at that point. All they are doing is bathing and dressing the every other day and feeding 3 subpar meals a day. The whole thing is a hellish experience for them and if we are lucky they have no idea what is going on.

I kept my Mom in my home as long as I could. There comes a point when so many accidents/falling injuries at home that you can be accused of neglect when you are caretaking 20 hours a day. One person can't be responsible for the care of an elderly person with dementia, it is just impossible. I lived it and I was broken when I had to admit defeat. I, alone, could not keep my mother safe. I could cook for her, bath her, provide a proper home but I could not keep her from getting up,, day and night and falling.

This was after a five year period of taking care care of my husband through chemo, surgeries etc with a terminal cancer diagnosis.

I am so tired of hearing people talk badly about other family members who have done everything possible to take care of their loved ones when they failed to step up and do just a few little things to help. Could they not take lunch to a family member at the chemo facility, could the not bring a simple home cooked meal to a struggling family. Could they not take the children of the family out for a fun day somewhere. No, I guess not.
 
MrPants said:
My Uncle died in a nursing home is Northern Ontario in Feb. years ago. I was the executor of his estate but was working in the Arctic at the time and it took me almost a week to get to where he was and to arrange his funeral then eventually get to the nursing home he had been in to collect his stuff and settle any outstanding expenses etc..

I cleaned out his stuff, which was still in his room but noticed there was a very significant jacket missing from his closet. I know it was there because I saw it when I moved him in there years before. The jacket was from a major Canadian sporting event that my Uncle had been a part of in 1949. It was a jacket he earned for his participation in the Curling Championship, called the Brier, in 1949. It had championship patches all over it etc. I doubt it was worth and money per se but it was a very significant sentimental piece that someone in that place stole from a dying or dead man.

Of course I made a fuss about it with the admin. at the nursing home but they offered no information on what had happened to the jacket. All I know is that at some point, someone went into his closet and took that jacket from him. I just hope my Uncle didn't know it was stolen before he died!

What some people will do is nothing short of shocking!
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We had been warned of this type of behavior in care facilities so nothing of monetary of sentimental value went to the facility that had final care of my mother. Our neighbors, had placed a sister there years before and found that her valuable jewelry had disappeared over time. There was nothing they could do because they failed to take pictures of the pieces when she was place into care. The facility was good but the ladies there were not above stealing things.
 
jujube said:
Unfortunately, nursing homes are a "business" and businesses can be heartless.

There's always someone waiting for a bed and the homes, especially the for-profit homes, want to "turn" that bed as fast as possible. It's not kind and it's hard on the family, but it's a fact of life.

My brother-in-law died this week. He was living in a nursing home operated by Catholic nuns. You could not ask for a more loving environment. Those devoted ladies would never rush a family.....it's not in their method of care. But then, they answer to a "higher authority" than a faceless company.
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I'm so sorry to hear about your brother-in-law. My condolences.

I have a friend who lost both her parents very early and took care of her elderly, single aunt until she passed away with dementia. Her aunt was also in a nursing home run by Catholic Nuns and she couldn't say enough great things about them. She posted many pictures of her with her aunt in a wheelchair, holding her favorite doll.
 
Blessed said:
I hate to say it but the moment your loved one has passed they want you to come clear out the room asap. This is a business and they want to ge the next paying human in there as quickly as possible.

That does not mean that did not give your relative attention, the required care but is simply business once a person has passed. We did not take it personally but just as reality.

This is why I say I would sooner take my life, have some say so about the end of my life, than people/corporations just in it for the money. Let's face it folks, at ;least here you are looking at 4 to 5 thousand a month for care in assisted living. The facts are our relatives are sleeping about 20 hours a day at that point. All they are doing is bathing and dressing the every other day and feeding 3 subpar meals a day. The whole thing is a hellish experience for them and if we are lucky they have no idea what is going on.

I kept my Mom in my home as long as I could. There comes a point when so many accidents/falling injuries at home that you can be accused of neglect when you are caretaking 20 hours a day. One person can't be responsible for the care of an elderly person with dementia, it is just impossible. I lived it and I was broken when I had to admit defeat. I, alone, could not keep my mother safe. I could cook for her, bath her, provide a proper home but I could not keep her from getting up,, day and night and falling.

This was after a five year period of taking care care of my husband through chemo, surgeries etc with a terminal cancer diagnosis.

I am so tired of hearing people talk badly about other family members who have done everything possible to take care of their loved ones when they failed to step up and do just a few little things to help. Could they not take lunch to a family member at the chemo facility, could the not bring a simple home cooked meal to a struggling family. Could they not take the children of the family out for a fun day somewhere. No, I guess not.
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You are a saint. My cousin and my mother were very close, and she moved from SC to TX for a couple of years to live with her and take care of her. The point came when my mother would fall and have to be taken to the hospital so we had no choice but to move her to assisted living. Like you said, it was super-expensive but for the first year and a half she was quite happy and had meals in the dining room with her friends. Believe me, she would have told me if she was unhappy. ;)

I used to drive from Dallas to Plano once a week to visit her. (I think I've been on a freeway 3 times since she passed away in 2021). It was difficult during Covid because I wasn't allowed in for over a year but I would still drive up there and talk to her on the phone outside her window. She was always in her recliner chair and waving out her window.

Toward the end, she could have been anywhere but she went into hospice and the hospice folks were good to her and kept in touch with me. They used to send a priest to pray with her on a weekly basis. She was religious so I was very happy he spent time with her. I think she lived the most comfortable life possible in her golden years.
 
They were absolutely lovely to my mom and to us when my mom passed away. It was incredibly expensive but mom paid for it herself with her savings and my dad's savings ( who passed away much earlier on. ) It was an end of care facility.
 

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