So, my Mother is in Hospital

VaughanJB

VaughanJB

Scrappy VIP
My mother is in hospital. She is 91. I met with her consultant today, and the prognosis was "day by day but..." I don't think she's ever going to get out of the hospital.

She was admitted with a blood oxygen level of 82, which is perilous. They have given her oxygen, and got it up to around 90, but this issue is her lungs, which isn't fixable. I lost my father some years ago.

And I'm sitting here thinking. This is the inevitable winding down of a life. I can intellectualize it. One day, I'll be there too. But it's my mother. I met with my brother today, and boy - we are such polar opposites. Like a stranger. I have trouble communicating with him.

So it's a strange place to be. Listening to the doctor, his telling us that there's nothing that can be done. My other in and out of consciousness. Her hair is down, with no hair clips, and I don't think I've ever seen her that way. She's frail. She has outlived everyone on her side of the family. I'm sad, but I know I'm going to have to be the strong one, to hold the line. That everyone cracks around you and someone has to build a wall around us.

My brother kept saying he wanted her to go home. But I'm having to explain to him that it's not a good idea, that she needs 24 hour care. There is no better place for her. It's like he hears the same thing as I do, but then ignores it for the dream of one last Christmas. My mother asking, "why am in in here?" And explaining she needs help breathing again and again.

And life is moving along, as some of us drop out of view. And it's a strange place to be, isn't it?
 

I’m very sorry you’re walking through this. There’s a particular loneliness in being told there’s nothing more to be done, especially when it’s your mother and you can still hear her voice asking questions.

What you describe about needing to be the steady one resonates. In families, someone often ends up holding the line while everyone else leans or breaks, and it’s a heavy role to carry quietly. It doesn’t mean you aren’t grieving. It just means you’re doing what needs doing right now.

The disagreement with your brother also feels familiar. When people hear the same words from a doctor, they don’t always hear the same meaning. Wanting one last Christmas is a very human hope, even when reality won’t cooperate. You’re doing the hard, loving thing by focusing on what keeps her safest and most comfortable.

Seeing a parent changed, fragile, unfamiliar, can be deeply unsettling. Those small details, like her hair, can land harder than the medical facts. They make it real in a way nothing else does.

You’re right, it is a strange place to be. Life keeps moving while something fundamental is slowly coming to rest. Many of us here have stood in that space, and you’re not alone in it, even if it feels that way right now.

Wishing you strength, and moments of quiet clarity, as you take this one day at a time.
 

I'm so sorry, and my thoughts are with you @VaughanJB. My mother was 89 when she passed, and to see her waste away the last few weeks of her life was heartbreaking. When she reached the point that she could no longer eat, she was just a shadow of her former self so I know what you are describing.

Regardless of how infirm she may become, she is still your mother and there is never a "right time" to see her go. It is good that you are a strong person and can look at her end-of-life care objectively. I'm sure she couldn't ask for a better son.
 
Naturally said:
What you describe about needing to be the steady one resonates. In families, someone often ends up holding the line while everyone else leans or breaks, and it’s a heavy role to carry quietly. It doesn’t mean you aren’t grieving. It just means you’re doing what needs doing right now.
Click to expand...
It is a tough job, but someone has to do it...it resonates with me also. The only thing I did differently @VaughanJB ...is I brought my mother home. We didn't want her end of life to be alone in a hospital. Both her and my Dad were here w/me (us) in our family home. 🥀
 
VaughanJB said:
My mother is in hospital. She is 91. I met with her consultant today, and the prognosis was "day by day but..." I don't think she's ever going to get out of the hospital.

She was admitted with a blood oxygen level of 82, which is perilous. They have given her oxygen, and got it up to around 90, but this issue is her lungs, which isn't fixable. I lost my father some years ago.

And I'm sitting here thinking. This is the inevitable winding down of a life. I can intellectualize it. One day, I'll be there too. But it's my mother. I met with my brother today, and boy - we are such polar opposites. Like a stranger. I have trouble communicating with him.

So it's a strange place to be. Listening to the doctor, his telling us that there's nothing that can be done. My other in and out of consciousness. Her hair is down, with no hair clips, and I don't think I've ever seen her that way. She's frail. She has outlived everyone on her side of the family. I'm sad, but I know I'm going to have to be the strong one, to hold the line. That everyone cracks around you and someone has to build a wall around us.

My brother kept saying he wanted her to go home. But I'm having to explain to him that it's not a good idea, that she needs 24 hour care. There is no better place for her. It's like he hears the same thing as I do, but then ignores it for the dream of one last Christmas. My mother asking, "why am in in here?" And explaining she needs help breathing again and again.

And life is moving along, as some of us drop out of view. And it's a strange place to be, isn't it?
Click to expand...
I'm sorry you're going through this situation; especially at this time of year 😢

Your story is shockingly similar to what I went through a year & a half ago. Mother dying, only myself and my brother left in the immediate family and I live a thousand km away whereas he lives where mother was living in a nursing home.

We never got along because we are very different people in every way. I remember having the same thoughts of the approaching end of a family generation - only me & my brother left and now we have to work together to deal with difficult things. I was truly anxious about how things would play out while at the same time dealing with the reality of my own impending mortality?

Without going into details, I'll tell you my brother finally stepped up and did a reasonably good job in assisting with my mothers' final days and doing a lot of leg work for me in cleaning up her estate affairs, after she passed. Of course I flew to where they lived for the funeral and to initiate some of the Estate issues as we were joint executors of her Estate.

There were a few times during that process that I wanted to fly down to where he lived and punch him out but in the end, I literally forced myself to just put frustrations behind me & deal with things ... it was all good in the end and I told him how much his help had meant to me - probably the first time ever! I think he was proud as well that he finally got to prove he had some ability to be focused on tasks that needed to be done and done properly!

I sincerely hope the same will be true in your case!
 
Last edited:
I'm so sorry to read this VJB! So many of us have gone through it. My future DIL lost her mother two days ago...she knew the time was near. You say you're somewhat prepared and that helps. When my mother was nearing the end of her life, the nurse in the nursing home called me in the office, sat me down and told me she had about two weeks to live (which turned out to be accurate). She wasn't languishing and looked healthy, but they knew by her lab work (she got blood transfusions every 3 or 4 months). The entire staff loved my mother.

When she passed, they called in the middle of the night and said they couldn't keep her there for too long. The nurse asked if I was alright. I was calm as a cucumber and went right over to make sure she looked "presentable" before they took her away. My mother used to always tell me "Look presentable!"

Too bad you and your brother aren't on the same page! All you can do now is wish for a peaceful transition for your Mom and allow yourself to grieve in whatever way is best for you once she's gone. You will get through it. You will be strong because you have to be. You are a good son who is making the right decision for her sake. It helps when we are good children to our parents. That way no regrets and/or guilt weigh on us after they are gone. May your mother be made to feel comfortable and loved until her time comes. You know we are here for you Vaughn.
 
I remember what it was like having to make arrangements for both of my parents who died 6 months apart. When it was time for my husband to pass, he was in Palliative Care and wanted desperately to come home. The doctor's said it was okay and made arrangements to have a hospital bed taken to our home. I was beside myself as it all became too difficult what with
bathing and toilet. I rang the hospital and said I think he needed to go back. I was so guilty doing this and explained to him it was for the best. He died 3 days later in hospital.
I never want my boys to go through similar things, and if it came to no hope for me to continue with life "Do Not Resuscitate" and let me go peacefully.
 
I'm sorry that you're having to go through through this. :cry: There's one thing you said that's kind of worrisome to me, though... that you need to be the strong one. No, Scrappy... maybe on the surface you do, but please be sure to find a way that *you* will have support, too. It's important. PM me if it would help... I went through exactly the same last year, and a member here helped me tremendously with words that were said.

1766135543093.png
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top