suspecting elder abuse

lovemydad

New Member
This is frightening for you, is there any way possible you could install unobtrusive CCTV cameras?
Not sure. they have been together for 40 years. Never had reason to not trust but there was a recent physical incident involving the police ( my dad being the victim) and now a big push to move out of the house he has owned since 1973. No will. he has early onset dementia. worried he will lose all he worked for. my ONLY concern is with his well being and the ability to provide proper care longterm. I have no need for inheritance and he isnt a wealthy man. however there are filial laws in my state. I dont mind caring for him financially but I certainly don't want his money going to her and her family and not to his care. threy never married because she wanted to collect her ex husbands pension. it has always been about money.
 

Pepper

Well-known Member
Location
NYC
Did police involvement lead to any charges? What actually happened? Who is pushing your dad out of the home and what reason is given?

Did dad ever call "roommate" his wife?

I think you might need an attorney.
 

Lara

Member since 2015
Location
Emerald Isle NC
Yikes!
Does your area have a FREE Mobile Intervention program?
They can come out and talk with the 3 of you to work things out.

I'd go with a mediator before using an attorney since they're more expensive by far....BUT I'm no expert in this area

`
 
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lovemydad

New Member
than
Did police involvement lead to any charges? What actually happened? Who is pushing your dad out of the home and what reason is given?

Did dad ever call "roommate" his wife?

I think you might need an attorney.
thankful for all input. this is just so hard. She has been in my life for 40 years so having these gut feelings and suspicions is keeping me up at night. despite the non-marital partnership, most of us have tried to form a familial unit. ( Parents, kids, grandkids )Her kids unaware of the incident involving the police. Yesterday< I called and wanted to bring my college aged kids over to help with some cleaning around the house. she became very insistent that we come at another time because she would be out most of the day. big red flag for me.
 

lovemydad

New Member
Yikes!
Does your area have a FREE Mobile Intervention program?
They can come out and talk with the 3 of you to work things out.

I'd go with a mediator before using an attorney since they're more expensive by far.
`
I dont know
 

lovemydad

New Member
Know how hard this is for me. I am NOT confrontational. my sister has had severals discussion with the two of them about finances but I think it may be time for the 2 of us together. this WILL cause a rift in the "family" as there is NO doubt sides will be taken. Exactly what I've worked 40 years to keep from occurring. I just want to be certain that my suspicions don't seem paranoid thus my reaching out to you all on this thread.
 

Lara

Member since 2015
Location
Emerald Isle NC
You can try googling "social services near me" and ask them where you can find some help

I have never been in this situation so listen to advice from other members here as well
 
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lovemydad

New Member
You can try googling "social services near me" and ask them where you can find some help
I have. I'm hesitant to go down that road because they take reports seriously ( as well they should). My dad loves her and he's 86. she's 76. afraid she will jet and leave him alone which would be devastating to him. she has attempted/ threatened to leave before ( another thing her kids are unaware of ) > my friend told me I need to get some balls and confront. probably alot of truth to that statement.
 

Martha Ferris

New Member
Location
NYS
I have. I'm hesitant to go down that road because they take reports seriously ( as well they should). My dad loves her and he's 86. she's 76. afraid she will jet and leave him alone which would be devastating to him. she has attempted/ threatened to leave before ( another thing her kids are unaware of ) > my friend told me I need to get some balls and confront. probably alot of truth to that statement.
Here is a web site to help you: Elder Abuse | National Institute on Aging (nih.gov)
 

Lara

Member since 2015
Location
Emerald Isle NC
...my friend told me I need to get some balls and confront. probably alot of truth to that statement.
Well, if you don't have balls by now you probably aren't going to get that (I assume you're a senior)
That's not exactly something you're born with...so to speak šŸ˜Š
And sometimes being aggressiveness can escalate....be smart, be strong, but be careful
 

lovemydad

New Member
So, here are the things I've personally observed over the course of the last year.

* one incident of physical abuse warranting police involvement
* sudden desire to move ( house in his name only)
* seeming attempts to keep his kids from being with him alone, using his dementia, as an excuse.
* constant reference to his not having any money and her paying all or most of the bills. This has been a recurring narrative over the course of 40 years
* statements of her not being with him for the money
* slights of criticism of his thoughts, behavior, competence, etc.

Please give advise: Is this being paranoid on my part? she is the only real mother figure Ive had since my Mom died when I was 6.
Just want to get this right and make sure my dad is safe and taken care of.
 

lovemydad

New Member
Well, if you don't have balls by now you probably aren't going to get that (I assume you're a senior)
That's not exactly something you're born with...so to speak šŸ˜Š
And sometimes being aggressiveness can escalate....be smart, be strong, but be careful
I'm 57. definitely Mama bear when it comes to my kids and my sweet husband. guess I need to "man -up" for my dad.
 

hollydolly

SF VIP
Location
London England
So, here are the things I've personally observed over the course of the last year.

* one incident of physical abuse warranting police involvement
* sudden desire to move ( house in his name only)
* seeming attempts to keep his kids from being with him alone, using his dementia, as an excuse.
* constant reference to his not having any money and her paying all or most of the bills. This has been a recurring narrative over the course of 40 years
* statements of her not being with him for the money
* slights of criticism of his thoughts, behavior, competence, etc.

Please give advise: Is this being paranoid on my part? she is the only real mother figure Ive had since my Mom died when I was 6.
Just want to get this right and make sure my dad is safe and taken care of.
Honestly before I went down any other roads, I would install tiny cctv cameras in their house , it would need both of them out for the day but.. get them in the main areas.. livingroom, kitchen bedroom..unobtrusive obviously,..then you have proof positive if abuse is taking place...
 

lovemydad

New Member
Honestly before I went down any other roads, I would install tiny cctv cameras in their house , it would need both of them out for the day but.. get them in the main areas.. livingroom, kitchen bedroom..unobtrusive obviously,..then you have proof positive if abuse is taking place...
with the exceptions of the physical altercation, her other behavior is very much on the down-low. she is a smart woman, although I cant be sure about the kinds of conversations they have in our absence. I guess cameras could show something we aren't aware of now
 

MrPants

Member
Location
Tuktoyaktuk
I'm not expert in these matters either but the list of issues you stated does not sound like their situation is a loving relationship.
Who's pushing the 'want to move' issue? Her or your Dad?
What does YOUR husband think of all this? Is he supportive of your suspicions or does he not want any part of it? Having him at your side should you decide to confront her would be a good idea. Confrontation is not usually something that goes down well. It does send a message that you're onto her games but she would become ultra secretive and 'unavailable' after the confrontation and there's no going back to the way things used to be.
Installing cameras, good yes but I don't know how you could possible do that unless they were out of the house and you had access.

Help from an outside seniors agency dealing in these matters would be best in my opinion. Maybe try some googling of Agencies Dealing in Elder Abuse and see what that turns up for you.

Good luck. I can imagine how upsetting this is to you :confused:
 

bingo

Member
which person called police.. her or him?...
yes.. sad...is your dad asking you for help in moving?
he may say no to your intervention..unless you get power of attorney no much you can do..
I am so sorry
 

lovemydad

New Member
I'm not expert in these matters either but the list of issues you stated does not sound like their situation is a loving relationship.
Who's pushing the 'want to move' issue? Her or your Dad?
What does YOUR husband think of all this? Is he supportive of your suspicions or does he not want any part of it? Having him at your side should you decide to confront her would be a good idea. Confrontation is not usually something that goes down well. It does send a message that you're onto her games but she would become ultra secretive and 'unavailable' after the confrontation and there's no going back to the way things used to be.
Installing cameras, good yes but I don't know how you could possible do that unless they were out of the house and you had access.

Help from an outside seniors agency dealing in these matters would be best in my opinion. Maybe try some googling of Agencies Dealing in Elder Abuse and see what that turns up for you.

Good luck. I can imagine how upsetting this is to you :confused:
I'm not expert in these matters either but the list of issues you stated does not sound like their situation is a loving relationship.
Who's pushing the 'want to move' issue? Her or your Dad?
What does YOUR husband think of all this? Is he supportive of your suspicions or does he not want any part of it? Having him at your side should you decide to confront her would be a good idea. Confrontation is not usually something that goes down well. It does send a message that you're onto her games but she would become ultra secretive and 'unavailable' after the confrontation and there's no going back to the way things used to be.
Installing cameras, good yes but I don't know how you could possible do that unless they were out of the house and you had access.

Help from an outside seniors agency dealing in these matters would be best in my opinion. Maybe try some googling of Agencies Dealing in Elder Abuse and see what that turns up for you.

Good luck. I can imagine how upsetting this is to you :confused:
She is pushing the move. more so since the police incident. He is just starting to consider it most likely because she has his ear. He loves his home and we kids can make any accommodations and can provide help ( I'm almost always available in person myself) My husband has been suspicious of her for over 20 years. Bad vibes almost since the beginning of our 30 year relationship. He would only intervene if I asked. Barricade the door when that happens. Confrontations Will destroy the family so there are others to consider as well.
 

lovemydad

New Member
which person called police.. her or him?...
yes.. sad...is your dad asking you for help in moving?
he may say no to your intervention..unless you get power of attorney no much you can do..
I am so sorry
My daddy is a proud man. though I have sensed a nervousness about him lately. he would not want to get us involved in something he considers so personal. he gets confused at times but is lucid 85-90% of the time. My sister has been trying to get him to make out a will. any kind of documentation of his wishes. she is already a POA on health concerns, along with his partner. not sure about financials. I know the partner is "executor" for his savings account, which is a bit substantial for one who supposedly has no money, according to her.
 

Pepper

Well-known Member
Location
NYC
If she had been his legal wife, instead of "roommate" would you feel differently?
 


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