Things not to say

PurplePower

PurplePower

Member
Location
Milwaukee
We all, certainly me, need to learn or relearn what not to say in certain situations. I don’t buy this “I’m old so I get to be rude” business.

My two big pet peeves in this area are:

1) If someone, especially an older person who has lived life, talks about being depressed or feeling lonely, don’t say, “Well, you just need to…” Fill in the blank - take a walk, go see a movie, go to a senior center, do this or do that, just do something. Here’s a clue - We know what we “need to,” but when you’re truly, heart wrenchingly depressed, you just can’t! Your brain is stopping you from doing what you “need to.”

If you suffer from depression, you know what I mean. If you’ve never suffered from depression, please just stop. Try, “I won’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but I’m here to listen. If you’ve ever decide you want to do something, let me know.”

2) Loss of a beloved pet. Don’t say, “You just need to get another one,” and, for Pete’s sake, don’t use the guilt trip of, “ There are so many animals in shelters.” Again, we know, but what you don’t know is the reasons why we don’t just get another one!
Again, try, “I’m sorry for your loss. I understand. I’m here to listen.”

More often than not, unless asked directly for opinions, it’s best not to offer any.
 

I was furious all the years of raising my neurologically impaired son. People said such terrible things to me; for instance, a friend called me in the hospital--she said she'd heard there was a problem with my newborn baby. I told her what it was and she said, "Thank God, at least it's not a missing limb or something really bad." Nobody understood or knew what to say or just didn't give a damn.
 
I think there's a time to suggest things but never when someone is still feeling grief, sadness, and anger.
For example, never tell the daughter who is in tears at her mother's funeral "to get over it" thinking that the situation just calls for some humor to cheer people up. Someone actually said this to my daughter at my wife's funeral.

A friend of mine's daughter did decide to have another child after her one child was born with a rare debilitating disease that cost the child her life by the age 5 or 6. I think it was the right thing to do to keep her from ruminating over her sick child.
A new child brings a sense of hope and enjoyment to life that's unmatched by any other experience. My next door neighbor when I was growing up had eight kids after her first died.

It makes a big difference to move on with hope.

In general, we need other people to feel a sense of hope and renewal. That's why getting out among people can help when you're older.
 
MACKTEXAS said:
I find myself sharing less personal experiences with friends and relatives these days because too often I get similar responses to the negative examples in the OP, which make me feel worse than remaining silent.
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Yep, that's the best thing to do, especially when not among friends.
If you talk about anything, people will offer advice on that - whether you want advice or not.

They can't comment if you don't give them something to comment on.
 
CallMeKate said:
Expanding on your #2... don't ever tell someone who's just lost a baby "you're young, you'll have more." :mad:
Been there, done that. And I told someone who was supposed to be a friend that I lost a daughter and "having more" would never replace her. That still stings when I think about hearing those words.
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Yes. Or "Be grateful for the children you already have." OK, so I shouldn't mourn the ones I lost?

Someone else brushed off my dual miscarriage (of twins—first one, then the other) with "Oh, well, it was probably for the best." Wow. Did you really just say that?
 
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KSav said:
Someone else brushed off my dual miscarriage (of twins—first one, then the other) with "Oh, well, it was probably for the best." Wow. Did you really just say that?
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I'm very sorry that you had to go through this, too. :cry: I also heard "there was probably something wrong with it." IT! :mad: I realize that sometimes people just don't know what to say, but some is simply cruel whether intentional or not (I'd like to think not in most cases.) One thing for sure... we never forget those babies.
 
Muskrat said:
There are certainly degrees of this. I you confide a problem to me I am likely to say something back. Two people talking is a conversation. If you do not want my opinion say so up front and I will just listen. But kennel dogs do need loving homes…just sayin.
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There was no call for that other than being a jerk. Remember, we’re just having a conversation.
 
  1. Don’t kid around as you go through security at the airport about having a bomb in your bag.
  2. If you ever visit Arlington National Cemetery, pay strict attention to the rules. Under no circumstances should you approach the guard to have your picture taken with him or her.
  3. Same as if you visit Buckingham Palace. Never approach the horses and grab the reins. The guards take exception to that.
  4. Anytime you hear the National Anthem in a public place, stand.
 
Been There said:
  1. Don’t kid around as you go through security at the airport about having a bomb in your bag.
  2. If you ever visit Arlington National Cemetery, pay strict attention to the rules. Under no circumstances should you approach the guard to have your picture taken with him or her.
  3. Same as if you visit Buckingham Palace. Never approach the horses and grab the reins. The guards take exception to that.
  4. Anytime you hear the National Anthem in a public place, stand.
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My son, the one I keep talking about, acts very crazy in airports, to the point where once he got so insane when they wouldn't let him take cooked food on the plane, they would not. let us. on the plane. at all. And they even put handcuffs on him! But TG the next day they let us fly home.

I myself, however, do not always stand for the anthem.
 
Marcy Sheiner said:
My son, the one I keep talking about, acts very crazy in airports, to the point where once he got so insane when they wouldn't let him take cooked food on the plane, they would not. let us. on the plane. at all. And they even put handcuffs on him! But TG the next day they let us fly home.

I myself, however, do not always stand for the anthem.
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I don't do that either anymore, or honor the flag, but I don't mess with law enforcement.
 
If I give someone advice for addressing depression it is only because I went through severe depression myself, realize how debilitating it is and have their interest at heart. Many people deal with depression and never do anything to get better. When my father passed away, my mother was in a clinical depression, was agoraphobic and had not left the house for 4 years. She was only 68 at the time. She absolutely refused to see a therapist and my father was weary of trying to convince her.

I insisted she go on the medication I was taking and started to take her on errands. She started walking daily with her next door neighbor and became social. She still had bouts of depression from time to time but it never became debilitating. There are indeed times when advice is necessary.
 
Great thread Purple Power. I have three grandchildren who suffer with depression...two clinically diagnosed. Those two seriously thought about suicide, but thank God never took it that far. They both have had therapy and had entered treatment programs, but those programs don't last long enough. One excels in college, the other has physical ailments that cause chronic pain. That in of itself is depressing because it adversely affects his quality of life. I choose my words carefully when trying to be supportive of them.

I can't believe some of the comments respondents have posted that they had to endure by insensitive and ignorant people! Too bad your message in the OP couldn't reach more people.
 

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