Werdna
New Member
Hello everyone,
I'm looking for an outside perspective. I have long had a minimal relationship with my parents; nothing massive has taken place, but we just have very different perspectives on the world. We have different politics, values, likes and dislikes and we have learned to keep a list of things that are off the table. I often feel like I am walking on eggshells but accept that this is all part and parcel of making an important relationship work.
Some context; they live in the country around 5 hours away, I live in London with my partner. They are in their late 70's, I'm in my early 40's. There are no grandchildren involved. I am the only child of my Mum and Dad but they each have sons and daughters from previous marriages, none of which I, or in fairness, they are particularly close to.
My Mum has always been talking about wanting to go to New York, they have never been outside of Europe. My partner is actually from there and his Mum lives there, so there is a nice connection. In 2019, I booked and paid for a trip there for last year for us all, I thought it would be the trip of a lifetime. My Mum seemed really happy about the trip, or so I thought. Covid since hit of course and the trip hasn't happened, but now with vaccinations, we are hopefully able to think about going in 2022.
A month or so ago my Dad told me that Mum and he couldn't do this trip as they couldn't face long haul travel with their mobility and various health concerns. They go to Greece on a package holiday and Spain with the caravan each year, although not in 2020 for obvious reasons, they are going later in 2021. I explained that I understood but we could fit the trip around their abilities and that it wouldn't be any more onerous than the holidays they go on each year.
The window to rebook opened and I asked my Dad whether they definitely didn't want to go, not going was not a problem as the airline would reassign the tickets to my partner and myself to use for another trip, but that if they can manage the trip to Greece or Spain, this wouldn't be any more challenging for them physically.
This is where things seem to have turned sour; I didn't hear from my Dad for an unusually long time. I called at the weekend and he was immediately very stand-offish, and claimed my Mum wasn't in to talk to me. My Mum very rarely leaves the house on her own, in fact I have never heard of it in the last 5 years.
I asked what I was doing with the tickets, as once I had made the name changes there was no way back, and I was essentially told that I had no right to make any comparisons with the holidays to Spain or Greece they go on and that we 'shouldn't be having this conversation' (when I suggested we could fit the trip around their needs and abilities, and it would be with my partner's Mum who is in her early 80's). The impression I got was that it is extremely offensive to draw any comparisons with what they do at the moment vs. this trip.
In fairness, I did then say that I wish I hadn't booked the trip, which probably didn't help, and my Dad then hung up on me which is the first time that has happened.
I am left scratching my head how things have ended up here. I booked what I had hoped would be a trip of a lifetime, after my Mum mentioned it several times over some years, tried to make assurances we would fit the trip around their pace, and it has blown up in my face. I am just really confused how what was intended to be a memorable holiday has now ended up in them seemingly taking huge offence.
Looking at it from their perspective, I do appreciate that there is a loss of control when someone else books a holiday, which they may be uncomfortable with at their age. They may also worry that the holiday would be more taxing than what it really would be.
The part I am most struggling with though is the fact that I have unwittingly caused this upset (and it is genuinely unintentional, I thought they would really enjoy the trip) and my Dad didn't tell me. Instead they sat on the matter and stewed, which resulted in his outburst where he put the 'phone down on me.
The money side of things is not a consideration. As it happens, there was no problem reassigning the tickets, but even if that couldn't happen, I wouldn't care. I was more concerned with this apparent lifelong dream of my Mum's going unfulfilled but I am now starting to think that I misunderstood them terribly and they never actually wanted to go in the first place.
I'm looking for an outside perspective. I have long had a minimal relationship with my parents; nothing massive has taken place, but we just have very different perspectives on the world. We have different politics, values, likes and dislikes and we have learned to keep a list of things that are off the table. I often feel like I am walking on eggshells but accept that this is all part and parcel of making an important relationship work.
Some context; they live in the country around 5 hours away, I live in London with my partner. They are in their late 70's, I'm in my early 40's. There are no grandchildren involved. I am the only child of my Mum and Dad but they each have sons and daughters from previous marriages, none of which I, or in fairness, they are particularly close to.
My Mum has always been talking about wanting to go to New York, they have never been outside of Europe. My partner is actually from there and his Mum lives there, so there is a nice connection. In 2019, I booked and paid for a trip there for last year for us all, I thought it would be the trip of a lifetime. My Mum seemed really happy about the trip, or so I thought. Covid since hit of course and the trip hasn't happened, but now with vaccinations, we are hopefully able to think about going in 2022.
A month or so ago my Dad told me that Mum and he couldn't do this trip as they couldn't face long haul travel with their mobility and various health concerns. They go to Greece on a package holiday and Spain with the caravan each year, although not in 2020 for obvious reasons, they are going later in 2021. I explained that I understood but we could fit the trip around their abilities and that it wouldn't be any more onerous than the holidays they go on each year.
The window to rebook opened and I asked my Dad whether they definitely didn't want to go, not going was not a problem as the airline would reassign the tickets to my partner and myself to use for another trip, but that if they can manage the trip to Greece or Spain, this wouldn't be any more challenging for them physically.
This is where things seem to have turned sour; I didn't hear from my Dad for an unusually long time. I called at the weekend and he was immediately very stand-offish, and claimed my Mum wasn't in to talk to me. My Mum very rarely leaves the house on her own, in fact I have never heard of it in the last 5 years.
I asked what I was doing with the tickets, as once I had made the name changes there was no way back, and I was essentially told that I had no right to make any comparisons with the holidays to Spain or Greece they go on and that we 'shouldn't be having this conversation' (when I suggested we could fit the trip around their needs and abilities, and it would be with my partner's Mum who is in her early 80's). The impression I got was that it is extremely offensive to draw any comparisons with what they do at the moment vs. this trip.
In fairness, I did then say that I wish I hadn't booked the trip, which probably didn't help, and my Dad then hung up on me which is the first time that has happened.
I am left scratching my head how things have ended up here. I booked what I had hoped would be a trip of a lifetime, after my Mum mentioned it several times over some years, tried to make assurances we would fit the trip around their pace, and it has blown up in my face. I am just really confused how what was intended to be a memorable holiday has now ended up in them seemingly taking huge offence.
Looking at it from their perspective, I do appreciate that there is a loss of control when someone else books a holiday, which they may be uncomfortable with at their age. They may also worry that the holiday would be more taxing than what it really would be.
The part I am most struggling with though is the fact that I have unwittingly caused this upset (and it is genuinely unintentional, I thought they would really enjoy the trip) and my Dad didn't tell me. Instead they sat on the matter and stewed, which resulted in his outburst where he put the 'phone down on me.
The money side of things is not a consideration. As it happens, there was no problem reassigning the tickets, but even if that couldn't happen, I wouldn't care. I was more concerned with this apparent lifelong dream of my Mum's going unfulfilled but I am now starting to think that I misunderstood them terribly and they never actually wanted to go in the first place.
