"Tubs" is a very special person

Murrmurr

Murrmurr

SF VIP
Location
Sacramento, California
Shortly after my wife, Michelle, graduated high school, she started helping raise her older sister’s son, just an infant at the time. I’ll use his very fitting nick-name, Tubs. The older sister had a drug problem and was in and out of rehab and in and out of jail for non-violent drug-related crimes, and at times, CPS would place little Tubs with Michelle, and then give him back to his mom, but usually, Tubs’ mom just dropped him off with Michelle for weeks or months at a time while she went and did her thing or went off with some dude.

So, granted, Tubs had a rough childhood, but he also enjoyed long periods of normalcy, security, and love with his Auntie Michelle, and as he got older she stressed the importance of doing well in school, self-discipline, self-reliance, and encouraged him to think about his future.

I’ve gotten to know Tubs. He’s come to visit us a number of times, stayed more than a few weekends, occasionally shows up on holidays, usually without advanced notice and usually when he’s not doing so well.

Now, to Tubs, “not doing so well” is when your current girlfriend loses her job, when the local McDonald’s closes down, the price of pizza goes up, you have to sell your PlayStation...that sort of thing.

He’s 27, 6ft 4, and about 400 pounds or so. Despite dropping out of high-school, he’s had a lot of jobs, but the longest he’s ever held one was 7 months. He was a line-cook at an old-fashioned diner in a tiny town in Texas, and was fired after the owner found $1,100 missing, and reviewed the security video from the night before. Tubs’ wife left him shortly after. They’d been married for 9 years and didn’t have any children (fortunately).

We don’t hear from Tubs often – sometimes a whole year will go by with no word – but I got a call from him this morning. He really wanted to talk to his aunt, my wife, and he expected she’d be home because it’s Easter Sunday, but she was at her sister’s house; not Tubs’ mom, but his other aunt, Meesh’s younger sister. (I stayed home bc I’m not feeling well)

I told Tubs to call her phone. He said he did, but she didn’t answer, so he left a voicemail. She hadn’t called him back yet so he was getting worried. I assured Tubs Michelle is fine and to wait for her call, and that it might be a few hours. And I asked, “Is there something I can do for you in the meantime? I mean, is it urgent?”

Tubs wants to know if he can come stay with us for a while. No specific time-frame, just “a while.” He lost his job “recently” and he was already “a little behind” with his share of the rent, so his 3 room-mates kicked him out (my words, not his). He plans to go back to school to get his GED, then get into some sort of job-training program or a career college, preferably tech-related, preferably in game design and/or programming.

Well, Tubs has been glued to enough game systems over the past couple decades to have learned something about it, but that’s an extremely competitive job market and the requirements are increasingly more specific, technical, and extensive. Millions of young people want those jobs, so potential employers can afford to be really picky about who they hire. I doubt Tubs knows much more than how to play online games, and only the currently trending ones.

Tubs’ other problem right now is, he can’t afford the divorce his wife wants. He also mentioned his car is acting up, the insurance lapsed…so, it’s uninsured…and the registration is overdue. :cautious:

I don’t want that 27yo 18hr/day gamer, 24/7 victim of life, money-pit, eating-machine here.

Michelle should be home soon…well, in a few hours, probly. She’s staying for dinner. She’s having a good time, and I’m glad she is, but when she gets home, I have to tell her I don’t want him here. No one can help this guy because he blames e-v-e-r-y-one else for his problems, but HE created every one of them.

He’s an obese, lazy, whining high-school drop-out. Every time I’ve given him reasonable advice on how to better his circumstances, he’s given me the ol’ “Yeah, but…” There’s always an obstacle, always some reason why your advice just isn’t going to work for him. It could work for literally everyone else on the planet, but he’s special; a medical issue, a childhood trauma, an emotional trigger, a bum knee, his doctor said…

Tubs simply cannot have a normal life; there are just too many obstacles. One for every reasonable suggestion, amazingly. And it's not his fault. :rolleyes:

Michelle loves him. She's always willing to help him.

I think it's gonna be a rough night. (happy Easter :p)
 
Oh, man, Murrmurr.....my heart goes out to you. Michelle is going to want to help him, even if she admits to herself she shouldn't. You're going to be the bad guy, unfortunately.

If you let him come to stay...."for a while"...you're going to need a forklift to get him out, both actually and philosophically.

Can you throw a little money at him to go away? Of course, then he'll just be back for more, so never mind....
 
I have a nephew that describes Tubs to a tee. He is the oldest of our nieces/nephews and, as such, had the most direction and attention of any of them. His 3 younger sisters have run rings around him in terms of determination and education. One is very successful in tech and the other recently joined the Coast Guard at 18 and is stationed in Seattle. It's the first time she's been away from home and she's thriving.

Now, back to the nephew. He was 23, living with my SIL, gaining weight and playing video games all day. She bought him an exercise machine that went unused. So she had him enlist in the Navy. He finally developed interests and became a fit, handsome young man. However, he was discharged after 2 years due to an injury and is now back into the same routine, playing video games all day. My SIL assigned a few chores like walking the dog, but aside from that he did nothing. So far as I know, he has never had a real job, nor has he ever had any type of love interest.

We're pretty sure he is on the autism spectrum because he is very socially awkward. In any case, at 28 my SIL sent him to live with his father. He was a drain on her, since his sisters had already left home and at 58 she deserves a life of her own. I know Michelle has a heart of gold, but this story sounds very familiar and my advice is to not take Tubs in.
 
All excellent suggestions, but it seems Michelle has a soft heart and would take him in regardless of the probable disastrous outcome. How do you convince Michelle that it is for the best to allow him to find his own way in the world without someone bailing him out multiple times? I honestly don’t have an answer to that one. Good luck with this one.
 
This is my son. He is 50 yrs and has never had a job for more than a few months at a time. He is a gamer and overweight. He is also a master manipiulator con artist and lazy. Right when covid was rearing up, I found him and offered to pay to get him started in an apartment here in my building. I paid for his security, new furniture and so on.-

I did exactly what he wanted until he was settled in and then I stopped, gently and by telling him that I was hurting him more than helping him by always being there. He got angry and told me nobody liked me and he didn't want to see me anymore. I nicely told him that was fine, I only wanted him in my life if he wanted to be there. So now he is eternally angry, won't speak if he sees me in the halls...lord, I am so tired of David.
 
David alwys has a medical reason not to work, or "they're after me" attitude. That is why we took him to Johns Hopkins for a phyche when he was still home. And that is why he will never live with me again because of what I learned. Counseling never did him any good--just taught him how to use the system better.

Tubs has no life and no kids (whe----) so no worries there. I'd sit when him and explain to him how he needs to get conseling and a job. And a lot of other things. Good luck.
 
Sounds like tough love for Tubs. Doesn't have to be with your wife just you making it clear where you stand when it comes to helping. That will be the hard part given the background you described. standing firm on "no way no how" do you want that burden. Probably don't need to explain to your wife what you explained in your post but in case you do be ready to be firm with "no way no how"
 
Tish said:
Frank, whatever happens, please don't let Tubs come between you and Michelle.
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She's not too angry at me. You know, I get it; she was basically his mom, and he was the only child she'll ever have (she's unable to have children), but he still acts like a child. A helpless one.

That's partially her fault. Kids get manipulation all figured out before they're 2, and if you constantly coddle a kid, shield them from normal difficulties, and do Every Little Thing for them just because life's rough and they're sad, they'll make sure life is always rough, and be sad about it all the time.

That's how Tubs operates. Well, I'm gonna operate how I operate.

At 27, Tubs' brain might still be malleable enough to work with. I'm not gonna give the dude free room and board, and I'm not going to give him a couple thousand bucks and the name of a motel.

He signed this agreement ⬇️:

Tubs will rent the little bedroom across the hall from the main bathroom for $200/mo. First 2 weeks is free, then he'll pay $200 in full, in advance, every month. If he fails to pay his rent within a one-week grace period, he'll be charged a $35 late-fee which he can pay in installments.

He has the names of 3 people I know personally who promised to hire him provided he does well in an interview. He's got 3 weeks to nail one down.

Tubs will take his 1st paycheck to our bank and open a checking account naming his Aunt Michelle as an Authorized Person. She will monitor this account to ensure he buys essentials-only while saving up to move into his own place, at which time he Will move. (Game systems do not meet the criteria for "essential." 🤪)

In 6 months, Tubs will move no matter what.

He will maintain the yards and landscaping on a weekly basis in exchange for food, and keep his room and the bathroom clean and tidy and do his own laundry just because that's the decent thing to do.

That's it.

Tubs' car needs a tune-up, a new belt, couple fuses, and an oil change. I'll pay for that because he's going to need his car to get to and from work.

Meesh and I went round and round for a couple hours about letting Tubs stay here and helping him out and all that. Her argument was that he could help me cook and walk and do my exercises, and generally help around the house. And I argued that that won't solve his problem. It wouldn't change his thinking, it would just make me his new crutch. And she said "Well at least he's not an alcoholic or a drug addict!" ...and at least she didn't add "like your granddaughter."

But she's right; Tubs' only vices (as far as I know) are laziness and avoidance of anything that even resembles responsibility. For his own sake, Tubs has got to man-up before it's too late. Fingers crossed it isn't too late already.

And I'm calling him by his first name from now on: Aaron.
It's a good name. Ironically, in ancient times it was associated with leadership and strength.
 
Murrmurr said:
She's not too angry at me. You know, I get it; she was basically his mom, and he was the only child she'll ever have (she's unable to have children), but he still acts like a child. A helpless one.

That's partially her fault. Kids get manipulation all figured out before they're 2, and if you constantly coddle a kid, shield them from normal difficulties, and do Every Little Thing for them just because life's rough and they're sad, they'll make sure life is always rough, and be sad about it all the time.

That's how Tubs operates. Well, I'm gonna operate how I operate.

At 27, Tubs' brain might still be malleable enough to work with. I'm not gonna give the dude free room and board, and I'm not going to give him a couple thousand bucks and the name of a motel.

He signed this agreement ⬇️:

Tubs will rent the little bedroom across the hall from the main bathroom for $200/mo. First 2 weeks is free, then he'll pay $200 in full, in advance, every month. If he fails to pay his rent within a one-week grace period, he'll be charged a $35 late-fee which he can pay in installments.

He has the names of 3 people I know personally who promised to hire him provided he does well in an interview. He's got 3 weeks to nail one down.

Tubs will take his 1st paycheck to our bank and open a checking account naming his Aunt Michelle as an Authorized Person. She will monitor this account to ensure he buys essentials-only while saving up to move into his own place, at which time he Will move. (Game systems do not meet the criteria for "essential." 🤪)

In 6 months, Tubs will move no matter what.

He will maintain the yards and landscaping on a weekly basis in exchange for food, and keep his room and the bathroom clean and tidy and do his own laundry just because that's the decent thing to do.

That's it.

Tubs' car needs a tune-up, a new belt, couple fuses, and an oil change. I'll pay for that because he's going to need his car to get to and from work.

Meesh and I went round and round for a couple hours about letting Tubs stay here and helping him out and all that. Her argument was that he could help me cook and walk and do my exercises, and generally help around the house. And I argued that that won't solve his problem. It wouldn't change his thinking, it would just make me his new crutch. And she said "Well at least he's not an alcoholic or a drug addict!" ...and at least she didn't add "like your granddaughter."

But she's right; Tubs' only vices (as far as I know) are laziness and avoidance of anything that even resembles responsibility. For his own sake, Tubs has got to man-up before it's too late. Fingers crossed it isn't too late already.

And I'm calling him by his first name from now on: Aaron.
It's a good name. Ironically, in ancient times it was associated with leadership and strength.
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Kudos!
 
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