What are your thoughts on this from my past?

Oris Borloff

Oris Borloff

Member
When I was a small child (41 months to be exact) my Father took me over to my Grandparent's house. What I remember was the house was full of people and my Father carrying me around. I looked and looked, but I didn't see Grandpa. I remember asking my Grandmother, "Where's Grandpa?". She just told me with a smile, "he's sleeping". After a few more minutes we left and as soon as my Father got in and behind the wheel he turned to me and said,
"Your Grandfather died".

I was curious what other people's thoughts are on how this was handled? How they might approach it and more importantly why? I'll just add this, my Father never lied to me regardless of the situation.
 

Was this your father's father? Perhaps that was all he could say at that time.
 

I was taking my sons for a walk, pulling them in a wagon. Grant was 3 1/2, Liam was less than a year younger. A dead bird lay in the road up ahead of us and I started to get a little anxious thinking about how I was going to explain the poor bird's death. As we passed its lifeless body, Grant looked over the side of the wagon and said to Liam, "Oh look. Someone stepped on that bird." Liam looked and casually said, "Oh yeah. Want my apple juice?"
 
It can be hard explaining death to a child so young. I think your father probably did the right thing, and am sure your Grandmother did her best, what she thought was right.

A first understanding of death can have a real effect on a child. I still remember when I first learned of a death, it was of a family friend and I could not have been much older than you were. My Grandmother told me, and tried to explain. I am sure she did the right thing at the time, but I still remember the feelings of insecurity that I had.
 
I think he probably did what he thought was best for everybody. He probably didn't know how you would react to the death of your grandfather and didn't want the explanation to perhaps cause a reaction that would upset your grandmother and/or the rest of the mourners.

A social occasion, even a grim one such as you described, isn't a proper place to explain hard realities of life to a child.
 
Back in the day I think we underestimated just how smart babies and toddlers are.
We know more now as to their brain development...before and after birth.

I wouldn't blame your grandmother for telling you he was sleeping....that may have been all she could do during her own grief.
If your father heard your grandmother say "Grandpa is sleeping" then he was right to tell you the truth at that point.

My children were ages 1,2,4, and 6 when their father died. I was in shock. When church friends quickly arrived I asked one of them (who happened to be the 6 year old's teacher who I highly respected) to help me tell them.
The 6 year old understood much better than the younger 3.
 
I can't remember something from my childhood at 3 1/2 yr but I do remember a commotion across the street when I was 4 and found out much later that a guy had hung himself. Your father handled it well. Death is part of life and now that I am older (and wiser?); I think it best that we tell young children about death. It's not necessary to go into exact details of the death until they are older and can understand a little more.
 
Oris Borloff said:
When I was a small child (41 months to be exact) my Father took me over to my Grandparent's house. What I remember was the house was full of people and my Father carrying me around. I looked and looked, but I didn't see Grandpa. I remember asking my Grandmother, "Where's Grandpa?". She just told me with a smile, "he's sleeping". After a few more minutes we left and as soon as my Father got in and behind the wheel he turned to me and said,
"Your Grandfather died".
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Oris Borloff said:
I was curious what other people's thoughts are on how this was handled?
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I think it was handled quite well, all around.

Beats heck outa a first time experience around death (when little) seeing someone die
 
TV "death" is pretty common. I forgot how many "deaths" kids see each year, but it was a large number.. They may not be on "Sesame Street", but they certainly are on more adult oriented shows that mom & dad watch. Of course, you have to be age appropriate with young children, and give honest answers to questions.
BTW. I've know a couple of people, who had problems when they were told someone was "asleep", then he was put in a hole in the ground. They were afraid to go to sleep for fear of dying. Maybe that's not a good thing to use "sleeping".
 
fuzzybuddy said:
TV "death" is pretty common. I forgot how many "deaths" kids see each year, but it was a large number.. They may not be on "Sesame Street"
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Sesame Street did do the death talk when Mr. Hooper, who ran SS's convenience store, died in real life. It could not be ignored. Mr. Hooper was a central character, as was his store. I saw the episode, but can't remember it.
 
Instead of that blunt 3-word answer, he could have explained it tactfully. Something like, "Your Grandpa is in heaven."
 
As a country child i was very familiar with the meaning of death, but i didn't go to viewing of a deceased i'd known till a great-aunt died when i was in my early teens. i suspect my Dad, in the same situation with me that young, would have done much the same, tho he probably would have explained before we went. He only lied to me twice that i know of, and both times when i learned the truth he was clearly trying to keep me from being angry at someone else in the family. He also believed children deserved to have their questions answered but we had to formulate clear, specific questions.

My first thought, @Oris Borloff, was 'how did you feel about it in that moment in the car, and did you ever discuss it with your Dad as you got older? And how do you feel about it now? (But you are under no obligation to tell me, I'm just curious as a cat.)
 
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Re the OP: I agree with @Alligatorob's first two sentences, especially since you said your father never lied to you. I'd also be interested in knowing if he was your paternal grandfather and if you asked any questions after your father told you he died.
 
Thank you everyone who answered.

I'll try to answer all the questions posed. It was my maternal grandfather who died.

I did have an understanding of what it meant. What it meant to me was when someone died they were gone --permanently. My Grandmother would have known that, but she may not have been able to say it as she would have been dealing with the second death in just over a week. The first had been her daughter, my Mother.

When my Father told me I could understand it, but I don't recall any emotional connection with event. He could have said we have a driveway at home, it would have had the same effect on me. I was fond of my Grandpa and got on with him quite well. I have a few memories of time with him.

I don't recall exactly being told my Mother was gone, nor who would have told me. I do remember that evening at home sitting in the kitchen with my Father. He said he didn't know what to do , that he didn't even know how to cook. I don't recall any emotional response to that either. I attribute that to the age my age, I could mostly understand it, but not connect with it emotionally.

I've looked back over the years I've considered myself lucky that I was spared the pain that normally one would have. The thing is that all my life since then I do know that life is temporary. I've thought about death, mostly with curiosity. What has plagued me though is the concept of infinity.

I never talked with my Father about that , or many other things over the years. We weren't close. As I got older and should have been able to connect with him more the distance had just become too great. I'm not sure he ever found his way back to being his former self.

Thank you again to everyone.
 
My takeaway is the younger we are the less impact it has unless there is a stronger connection.

Now that I'm older find it affects me more. Hopefully, you are okay, thank you for sharing...
 
Jules said:
@Oris Borloff Everyone was in shock & pain with the death of two special people. You’re remembering bits and pieces. Do you feel they did it wrong? How would you have done it?
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No, I don't think what was done was wrong, nor do I have any great emotional tumult regarding it. What it is for me though is definitely a time stamp in my life. At the time I really appreciated being told.

We don't have any kids, and I'm an only child. I'm fairly certain if given those circumstances I would have done the same thing. That would be consistent with my personality as an adult, and I haven't thought about about whether that would be my nature vs my reaction to those events.
 
Chris21E said:
My takeaway is the younger we are the less impact it has unless there is a stronger connection.

Now that I'm older find it affects me more. Hopefully, you are okay, thank you for sharing...
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The less impact it has at that point in time, especially if it was a natural, age related death didn't come after a long observable illness, a catastrophic accident or a murder as in the case of my #1 DH. My boys 'reprocessed' his death, the loss repeatedly as they grew to adulthood, most often as they reached various stages of development and had learned more about how various deaths come. At 6 they questioned why their Dad died when not all gunshot wounds kill. i consulted the autopsy and explained in simple terms.

When they were about 13 a cat we'd had since i was pregnant with their half sister in 1983 died of kidney issues. My son Seth who had witnessed the shooting got very quiet and withdrawn. When i was able to draw him into talking about his feelings--turns out the death of the cat triggered undealt with grief about his Dad--he hadn't wanted to mourn openly because he knew how i felt about that 'Maxicat' and didn't want to add to my grief. i explained that somehow sharing grief kind of lightens the load. For several days each day after school we'd sit and talk first about the cat and then he opened up more about his Dad.

For that matter when my/our grandson was born it was one of the most bittersweet moments in my life. i dearly wished Dean (and anglicized diminutive of his actual name that he went by in US) was alive to see Liam born. It didn't help that 1) Liam's Dad, Owen, smiles like his Dad and 2) they gave Liam his Grandad's official Hindi name, Thakurdeen, as a middle name. That followed what we did with the boys--simple first names but middle names were their paternal grandfather's and great-grandfather's. Owen had mixed feelings too.

And i reprocessed the loss again when an adult niece of Dean's asked me in a PM on FB (i'm in contact with several of his relatives there) what exactly happened to him. While they told stories about his personality, talents and flaws, they had never explained to any of the younger generation (contemporaries of my boys) exactly what had happened.

i've said elsewhere, we have running 'narratives' of our lives in our heads, we review and sometimes due to new info or simply our own personal growth changing our perspective have to revise them.
 

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