What are your thoughts? This is regarding a very close friend requesting distance.

L

Ladybj

Live, Laugh and Love
Location
Somewhere in the USA
I will try to keep this short as possible. I have a very close friend. We talked and/or text everyday. She was separated from her husband for almost a year and filed for divorce. - they were married for 11 years. She was dating here and there..did not find anyone special. She was talking of taking him back but she listed the things he had to change. I had a long talk with her. I shared with her it will not be easy, there would be work to do on both parts. She's more of a "take charge" person.

This was the 4th time they separated and got back together. I shared with her she will need to allow him to take the lead in some things in the marriage - and also accept him as he is because he will have to want to change. Well, she took him back. We continued to chat.. he got sick - hopefully he's better now. I text one day to check on her and she mentioned he went to the hospital - so I called her. She did not answer - she text me and stated she is being to herself for now. I am not sure what happened. This has been about 2-3 weeks ago. She has not called but I have texted her in between that time. I respect people boundaries - however, I felt her and I were closer than that. I have not text nor called in about a week or so. I figure once she is ready to talk she will reach out. I still love her dearly and this did hurt a bit because I felt we were closer than her distancing herself from me.
 

I’m old fashioned enough to be skeptical about who is sending a text.

I would prefer to hear it in a telephone call.

Other than that I would honor her wishes.

In my own life I always thank people for thinking of me and tell them to call me anytime.

The sad reality is that they rarely contact me with anything other than a brief statement on FB Messenger.

It’s a different world and I’m not really a part of it anymore.

I know that sounds pathetic but it’s not meant to be it’s just the way it is and I’m ok with it.
 
Ladybj said:
I will try to keep this short as possible. I have a very close friend. We talked and/or text everyday. She was separated from her husband for almost a year and filed for divorce. - they were married for 11 years. She was dating here and there..did not find anyone special. She was talking of taking him back but she listed the things he had to change. I had a long talk with her. I shared with her it will not be easy, there would be work to do on both parts. She's more of a "take charge" person.

This was the 4th time they separated and got back together. I shared with her she will need to allow him to take the lead in some things in the marriage - and also accept him as he is because he will have to want to change. Well, she took him back. We continued to chat.. he got sick - hopefully he's better now. I text one day to check on her and she mentioned he went to the hospital - so I called her. She did not answer - she text me and stated she is being to herself for now. I am not sure what happened. This has been about 2-3 weeks ago. She has not called but I have texted her in between that time. I respect people boundaries - however, I felt her and I were closer than that. I have not text nor called in about a week or so. I figure once she is ready to talk she will reach out. I still love her dearly and this did hurt a bit because I felt we were closer than her distancing herself from me.
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All I can think of, is she let him know about your conversations together and he took offense. He probably told her if she wants to be with him, she has to stay away from you and your opinions about their relationship and him. Sorry this happened to you, but I'm pretty sure he's behind the break in the friendship. She likely doesn't want to anger him.
 
Tish said:
You are doing the right thing by not hounding her, I am sure she will make contact sooner or later.
You have every right to feel hurt by her behaviour, but she must have her reasons, if I were you, I would send her a text letting her know that you respect her "Me Time" and let her know you will be there for her.
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Good advice, I agree. She may not hear from her friend again until she splits with her husband again, which, in my opinion, is more likely to happen than not.
 
You're doing the right thing in letting her be.
People handle things (grief) in different ways.
She needs time alone to process whatever she is going through.

When my husband died, in my arms. I didn't want to talk or be around anyone for months.
I didn't know anyone around here and my two kids live thousands of miles away.
She probably loves you dearly as her friend but she might need alone time.
Send her loving, healing thoughts and abide by her request. IMO. She has thinking to do.
I think she will come around later and explain this. Some growth can only be achieved in solitude.
I don't think you lost her as a friend. Wait. You will hear from her after she sorts things out.
Well, That's my thoughts, for whatever it's worth.
 
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Aunt Bea said:
I’m old fashioned enough to be skeptical about who is sending a text.

I would prefer to hear it in a telephone call.

Other than that I would honor her wishes.

In my own life I always thank people for thinking of me and tell them to call me anytime.

The sad reality is that they rarely contact me with anything other than a brief statement on FB Messenger.

It’s a different world and I’m not really a part of it anymore.

I know that sounds pathetic but it’s not meant to be it’s just the way it is and I’m ok with it.
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I agree, a phone call is much better than a text on a smartphone for sure. But....if he's really controlling or aggressive, she may fear his finding out. Probably hard to hide these things these days, especially if he spies on her and searches her phone for signs of contact. Things are different today than they were when we were younger Aunt Bea.....hugs, my friend. 🧡
 
Maybe , the husband was much worse than anyone knew, and he passed away in the hospital, and now she just can’t bring herself to talk about it to anyone.
Her reaction sounds to me like she is in deep grieving, and if she stopped communicating when her husband went into the hospital, it seems like this must be some part of her decision.
I would just leave her a message, send her a hug, let her know you care and are there when she feels able to talk.
 
Tish said:
You are doing the right thing by not hounding her, I am sure she will make contact sooner or later.
You have every right to feel hurt by her behaviour, but she must have her reasons, if I were you, I would send her a text letting her know that you respect her "Me Time" and let her know you will be there for her.
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I did.. I reached out a few times. I told her I am here for her when she is ready to chat.
 
Happyflowerlady said:
Maybe , the husband was much worse than anyone knew, and he passed away in the hospital, and now she just can’t bring herself to talk about it to anyone.
Her reaction sounds to me like she is in deep grieving, and if she stopped communicating when her husband went into the hospital, it seems like this must be some part of her decision.
I would just leave her a message, send her a hug, let her know you care and are there when she feels able to talk.
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No... he did not pass away - she be posting on fb. I text a few times -she text back but that's all I can do. She know I am here when she is ready to chat.
 
Gaer said:
You're doing the right thing in letting her be.
People handle things (grief) in different ways.
She needs time alone to process whatever she is going through.

When my husband died, in my arms. I didn't want to talk or be around anyone for months.
I didn't know anyone around here and my two kids live thousands of miles away.
She probably loves you dearly as her friend but she might need alone time.
Send her loving, healing thoughts and abide by her request. IMO. She has thinking to do.
I think she will come around later and explain this. Some growth can only be achieved in solitude.
I don't think you lost her as a friend. Wait. You will hear from her after she sorts things out.
Well, That's my thoughts, for whatever it's worth.
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I agree. I feel she definitely need alone time. Not sure if she regret allowing him to come back. As you stated, once she decide to contact me, she will share what's been going on. I have been sending her positive, loving energy.
 
Aunt Bea said:
I’m old fashioned enough to be skeptical about who is sending a text.

I would prefer to hear it in a telephone call.

Other than that I would honor her wishes.

In my own life I always thank people for thinking of me and tell them to call me anytime.

The sad reality is that they rarely contact me with anything other than a brief statement on FB Messenger.

It’s a different world and I’m not really a part of it anymore.

I know that sounds pathetic but it’s not meant to be it’s just the way it is and I’m ok with it.e
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When she told me he was in the hospital via text..I called her and that's when she text me and said she has decided to stay to herself for a while. I prefer telephone calls also. Anyone can use your phone and text.
 
Apparently, there is something out of the ordinary going on in your friend's life. It may be consuming her time, and emotionally draining. But that is just a guess. You could drive yourself crazy with all kinds of imagined reasons for her behavior. She hasn't totally shut you down, so you'll have to wait for her to again confide in you. You could casually check in with her from time to time, but I wouldn't press the issue.
 
Cut her some slack. A week is not long when you are having problems or trying to decide what to do? She’ll contact you when she’s ready. If you haven’t heard from her in three weeks, send her a text, saying something like, “thinking of you. Hope everything is getting better.”
Something like that, even if she hasbeen a best friend.
 
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fuzzybuddy said:
Apparently, there is something out of the ordinary going on in your friend's life. It may be consuming her time, and emotionally draining. But that is just a guess. You could drive yourself crazy with all kinds of imagined reasons for her behavior. She hasn't totally shut you down, so you'll have to wait for her to again confide in you. You could casually check in with her from time to time, but I wouldn't press the issue.
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I am not driving myself crazy... that's not me. I know how to give people their space. I am good if she does or doesn't confide in me. I respect her wanting her distance. I have checked in and will not press the issue.
 
drifter said:
Cut her some slack. A week is not long when you are having problems or trying to decide what to do? She’ll contact you when she’s ready. If you haven’t heard from her in three weeks, send her a text, saying something like, “thinking of you. Hope everything is getting better.”
Something like that, even if she hasbeen a best friend.
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I agree. I have been sending her a text here and there. I will reach out this week. I understand when people decide to have their space. However, in the meantime it will be good if I received a text from her saying things are better and I will call soon. I do not want to feel I am overstepping my boundaries with her. There is a balance in all relationships... friends, family, spouses, etc.. It is priceless when you know someone is in your corner when you need them.
 
Lewkat said:
Right now, I too have something going on in my life, (not involving a guy and myself), but it is a family thing. I cannot bring myself to discuss it with anyone, regardless. I know some of my friends are totally baffled and perhaps even hurt, but some things simply cannot be shared.
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That is very understandable. But did you cut your friends off from your life? I am not asking my friend to share what she is going through, she share that in her own time but to cut off a close friend that is there for you...???
 
Ladybj said:
That is very understandable. But did you cut your friends off from your life? I am not asking my friend to share what she is going through, she share that in her own time but to cut off a close friend that is there for you...???
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Sometimes we all just need to be left alone to deal with something in our own way and sometimes that one thing is all we can cope with and everything else is just annoying noise.

Your friend simply may not have the emotional energy to deal with anything other than whatever thing she is now facing (I've been there) and IMHO the kindest thing you can do is let her have the space and peace she needs.
 
I know how you might feel, something similar happened to me recently. A friend for 45 years decided to move back here to Columbia after he retired. We emailed back and forth for about a year and then he finally moved. I went to visit him soon after he arrived...had a geat time...made some plans, etc.... Called in a few days to come over but he already had a breakfast date. That was it...he didn't return an email for 2 weeks, now saying he was in Kalamazoo, Mi. takin' care of some business. Nothing again, so I have to prod him in to offering what is going on. For 3 months he didn't tell me, but finally I sent the Beatles song that says " My friends have lost their way"...he tells me he can't leave his ex. but wants to. Hoey Vey!!! I'm not touching that with a long long long pole. I am leaving this TOTALLY up to him. :)
 
Maybe just send her a "thinking of you" card in the mail (snail mail). Very non-intrusive but let's her know you're thinking about her.
 


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