grahamg
Old codger
- Location
- South of Manchester, UK
What happens when one wants a divorce and the other doesn't?
https://speakingofmarriage.com/2013/09/08/spouse-wants-divorce-and-you-dont/comment-page-1/
Quote:
"If you were to poll twenty-five couples therapists, at least twenty-four of us would say that couples with this “mixed-agenda” are the most challenging couples we see. While one has come into the therapy to design an exit strategy, the other is frantically hoping that couples therapy will pull them back from the brink.
To the spouse who wants out, working on the relationship is roughly equivalent to rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. All that person can think of is “where’s the nearest lifeboat and how soon is it leaving?”
As a couples therapist it’s my job to support the goals and interests of both clients, to not side with the concerns of one at the expense of the other. I can no more advocate for one partner to stay married (or do couples therapy) when he or she is dead set against it, than advocate that the other one give up all hope for a reconciliation.
In order to be most effective, I have to, essentially, take both sides at once."
In order to do that, I’ve had to challenge most of the conventional wisdom that shapes the way both therapists and clients look at the “one out and one in” dilemma. And, I’ve had to rethink some basic theories of couples therapy that I learned in graduate school, as well.
We therapists are trained to be neutral. While I have no stake in whether a couple decides to stay married or not, neutral isn’t my best stance when dealing with divorce. I’ve learned that whatever position a client has taken, be it IN or OUT, I’m most effective when I ask them to fully explore why they’ve chosen that option.
Too often, divorce is put on the table long before a couple has exhausted all other alternatives. And sometimes people want to stay in a marriage that is ultimately unhealthy for them. Divorce will set in motion a series of painful events that will impact all involved— the couple as well as their children, family and friends. My goal is to help them make the soundest decision possible.
(Break)
To get an accurate sense of conventional advice, I did a Google search for the question, “what if my husband wants a divorce and I don’t?” Here are some key points that I gathered from marriage and legal advice websites as well as advice message boards:
You really don’t want to be with someone who isn’t in love with you.
Come on, face the facts. There’s no way to stop your spouse from leaving you.
The counsellor said that it takes two to make a marriage work and that since he doesn’t even want to try, I need to go to counselling to deal with the divorce.
If your husband says he wants a divorce, don’t say anything. Just listen. The next thing you should do is find yourself a good lawyer.
Most of this advice is designed to persuade the person who wants to fight for the marriage to, instead, get on board with the divorce.
But what if that person strongly believes that divorce isn’t the right choice? What if she thinks they have a lot to lose and she’s willing to work hard to fix things? What if he wants to slow the whole thing down, to take a few months to really assess whether divorce is the really their only option?
In cases like this, I’ll support the leaning-in client to go about the work of mending the marriage alone."
https://speakingofmarriage.com/2013/09/08/spouse-wants-divorce-and-you-dont/comment-page-1/
Quote:
"If you were to poll twenty-five couples therapists, at least twenty-four of us would say that couples with this “mixed-agenda” are the most challenging couples we see. While one has come into the therapy to design an exit strategy, the other is frantically hoping that couples therapy will pull them back from the brink.
To the spouse who wants out, working on the relationship is roughly equivalent to rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. All that person can think of is “where’s the nearest lifeboat and how soon is it leaving?”
As a couples therapist it’s my job to support the goals and interests of both clients, to not side with the concerns of one at the expense of the other. I can no more advocate for one partner to stay married (or do couples therapy) when he or she is dead set against it, than advocate that the other one give up all hope for a reconciliation.
In order to be most effective, I have to, essentially, take both sides at once."
In order to do that, I’ve had to challenge most of the conventional wisdom that shapes the way both therapists and clients look at the “one out and one in” dilemma. And, I’ve had to rethink some basic theories of couples therapy that I learned in graduate school, as well.
We therapists are trained to be neutral. While I have no stake in whether a couple decides to stay married or not, neutral isn’t my best stance when dealing with divorce. I’ve learned that whatever position a client has taken, be it IN or OUT, I’m most effective when I ask them to fully explore why they’ve chosen that option.
Too often, divorce is put on the table long before a couple has exhausted all other alternatives. And sometimes people want to stay in a marriage that is ultimately unhealthy for them. Divorce will set in motion a series of painful events that will impact all involved— the couple as well as their children, family and friends. My goal is to help them make the soundest decision possible.
(Break)
To get an accurate sense of conventional advice, I did a Google search for the question, “what if my husband wants a divorce and I don’t?” Here are some key points that I gathered from marriage and legal advice websites as well as advice message boards:
You really don’t want to be with someone who isn’t in love with you.
Come on, face the facts. There’s no way to stop your spouse from leaving you.
The counsellor said that it takes two to make a marriage work and that since he doesn’t even want to try, I need to go to counselling to deal with the divorce.
If your husband says he wants a divorce, don’t say anything. Just listen. The next thing you should do is find yourself a good lawyer.
Most of this advice is designed to persuade the person who wants to fight for the marriage to, instead, get on board with the divorce.
But what if that person strongly believes that divorce isn’t the right choice? What if she thinks they have a lot to lose and she’s willing to work hard to fix things? What if he wants to slow the whole thing down, to take a few months to really assess whether divorce is the really their only option?
In cases like this, I’ll support the leaning-in client to go about the work of mending the marriage alone."
