Widower needs advice on "living" again

F

Frio

New Member
I'm a 77yo senior who has been a widower for about a year and a half now. I've finally reached the point where I'm ready to move on and start living life anew but I'm a bit uncertain about how to go about it. I have no interest in marrying again but I really miss the presence of a loving female in my life.

Questions for the ladies:
1. Because of the devastating side effect of prostate removal surgery 20 years ago, any future relationship I may have will have to be platonic. If I meet someone I'm interested in, how do I broach this subject? Am I doomed to a lonely life or are there plenty of women out there who would be OK with this sort of relationship?

2. I've never been Mr. Outgoing but lately I've been venturing out of my comfort zone to start being around people again. For the first time since I was a teenager, I've started attending church. I'm really enjoying the fellowship but the congregation is typical of some mainstream U.S. protestant churches in that their membership (mostly elderly) is small and shrinking rapidly. Any suggestions about other places to meet that special lady?

3. I've read quite a number of posts in the SF forums from women who complain about widowers who have "shrines" to their deceased wives, and how they consider that a "red flag". I have left my wife's "hobby" room as it was when she died and yes, I have her urn on display on the mantle complete with folded US flag (she was a veteran) and flowers. Is this display so intimidating that I should consider putting it away out of sight if I invite a female into my home?
 

I am no lady, but rather a man. Took care of my mom for 14 years alone, 24/7. Before I lived as a bachelor. I am 75 years old. I too miss my mom's companionship of 14 years. But, for me I like being alone, as well. What I miss most is having someone just to talk with occasionally. That's what I miss most.

Your 1,2,3, paragraphs made me wonder. You seem to expect a lot from this woman you seek. Maybe you should seek out just having some friends instead. I think your expectations of what this woman you are looking for looks pretty steep. Maybe you should be seeking just some women friends rather than a replacement of a constant companion. That may be enough. And, who knows maybe it will blossom into more. But, I would be just looking for friends for now. Then you can sort out all the rest as you go along.
 
Frio said:
I'm a 77yo senior who has been a widower for about a year and a half now. I've finally reached the point where I'm ready to move on and start living life anew but I'm a bit uncertain about how to go about it. I have no interest in marrying again but I really miss the presence of a loving female in my life.

Questions for the ladies:
1. Because of the devastating side effect of prostate removal surgery 20 years ago, any future relationship I may have will have to be platonic. If I meet someone I'm interested in, how do I broach this subject? Am I doomed to a lonely life or are there plenty of women out there who would be OK with this sort of relationship?

2. I've never been Mr. Outgoing but lately I've been venturing out of my comfort zone to start being around people again. For the first time since I was a teenager, I've started attending church. I'm really enjoying the fellowship but the congregation is typical of some mainstream U.S. protestant churches in that their membership (mostly elderly) is small and shrinking rapidly. Any suggestions about other places to meet that special lady?

3. I've read quite a number of posts in the SF forums from women who complain about widowers who have "shrines" to their deceased wives, and how they consider that a "red flag". I have left my wife's "hobby" room as it was when she died and yes, I have her urn on display on the mantle complete with folded US flag (she was a veteran) and flowers. Is this display so intimidating that I should consider putting it away out of sight if I invite a female into my home?
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There may be a few women out there who could live with a strictly platonic relationship. Finding her might be difficult. You would likely hafta be upfront about that. Honestly if the hobby room mantel is her resting place then the new lady in your life should be able to respect that if she wants to be part of your new life.

I don't know where else you could meet other ladies unless you go to a senior center or something.
 

old medic said:
My advice to you is DON'T LOOK.... Go out and enjoy life with whoever you cross paths with. IF something grows from that, then run with it.
If you go LOOKING for a relationship, your just setting yourself up. Best of luck.
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Great advice. Truth is getting out and about means you are not sitting at home pouting over all and occupied with all your imaginings. One of the worst things to be is to be ignored. And, that's how you feel when alone. When I go out walking I often smile at others, say hello, and even tell the girls along the way that they are 'cute'. I often get smiles back or a 'thank you'. That's interaction and acknowledgement - which is what we all seek. And, aloneness vanishes. But, you have to get out of yourself to do this.
 
Frio said:
I'm a 77yo senior who has been a widower for about a year and a half now. I've finally reached the point where I'm ready to move on and start living life anew but I'm a bit uncertain about how to go about it. I have no interest in marrying again but I really miss the presence of a loving female in my life.

Questions for the ladies:
1. Because of the devastating side effect of prostate removal surgery 20 years ago, any future relationship I may have will have to be platonic. If I meet someone I'm interested in, how do I broach this subject? Am I doomed to a lonely life or are there plenty of women out there who would be OK with this sort of relationship?

2. I've never been Mr. Outgoing but lately I've been venturing out of my comfort zone to start being around people again. For the first time since I was a teenager, I've started attending church. I'm really enjoying the fellowship but the congregation is typical of some mainstream U.S. protestant churches in that their membership (mostly elderly) is small and shrinking rapidly. Any suggestions about other places to meet that special lady?

3. I've read quite a number of posts in the SF forums from women who complain about widowers who have "shrines" to their deceased wives, and how they consider that a "red flag". I have left my wife's "hobby" room as it was when she died and yes, I have her urn on display on the mantle complete with folded US flag (she was a veteran) and flowers. Is this display so intimidating that I should consider putting it away out of sight if I invite a female into my home?
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I got out and went to a senior center and met lots of people, learned to play dominoes, cards and line dance. As far as a relationship/friend goes, that will totally be up to you. Just do some soul searching. I like having friends and going home to my abode.
 
Welcome, Frio. Not to worry. There are lots of women in your age group who would rather have a good, loyal, good natured friend /companion than a lover. Physical passion is wonderful but good friendship is very satisfying, a lot less trouble and rarely fraught with danger. Good sense often goes out the window when ‘love’ comes in .

And remember, affection can be expressed in many,many ways.
 
helenbacque said:
Welcome, Frio. Not to worry. There are lots of women in your age group who would rather have a good, loyal, good natured friend /companion than a lover. Physical passion is wonderful but good friendship is very satisfying, a lot less trouble and rarely fraught with danger. Good sense often goes out the window when ‘love’ comes in .

And remember, affection can be expressed in many,many ways.
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I have found that friends are better. After all, I do good to just take care of myself.
 
I wouldn't stress over the intimacy part. I don't think a loving partner would necessarily find that a dealbreaker. So put your mind at ease about that. As far as meeting people, I find that more difficult than in my younger years. What do you like to do? Maybe engage in some of your hobbies and you will find a nice lady who enjoys the same.
 
Frio said:
I'm a 77yo senior who has been a widower for about a year and a half now. I've finally reached the point where I'm ready to move on and start living life anew but I'm a bit uncertain about how to go about it. I have no interest in marrying again but I really miss the presence of a loving female in my life.

Questions for the ladies:
1. Because of the devastating side effect of prostate removal surgery 20 years ago, any future relationship I may have will have to be platonic. If I meet someone I'm interested in, how do I broach this subject? Am I doomed to a lonely life or are there plenty of women out there who would be OK with this sort of relationship?

2. I've never been Mr. Outgoing but lately I've been venturing out of my comfort zone to start being around people again. For the first time since I was a teenager, I've started attending church. I'm really enjoying the fellowship but the congregation is typical of some mainstream U.S. protestant churches in that their membership (mostly elderly) is small and shrinking rapidly. Any suggestions about other places to meet that special lady?

3. I've read quite a number of posts in the SF forums from women who complain about widowers who have "shrines" to their deceased wives, and how they consider that a "red flag". I have left my wife's "hobby" room as it was when she died and yes, I have her urn on display on the mantle complete with folded US flag (she was a veteran) and flowers. Is this display so intimidating that I should consider putting it away out of sight if I invite a female into my home?
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Visit a senior center, there are other people like you who don't know quite how to view this matter. Just getting out and meeting other seniors could prove very good. You might like having lunch at a senior center or get out and have coffee at a coffee shop or something like that. I am a senior that gets out, not knowing how to feel about such things and have made a few friends, and there are seniors who have met, fallen in love and get married, or some are a "couple" but not married.
 
Welcome to our forum, Frio. I was widowed at the age of 33 due to the Vietnam War with an infant son. It took some time for me to recover from that, but while, I eventually began to date, I never remarried nor considered it.

My son has grown into a very busy businessman. Sadly, he was widowed at age 51 when he lost his wife 5 yrs. ago. He's recently taken up with an old girlfriend who divorced her husband. She's older, with a few children and grandchildren. He is childless.

Their relationship seems to be more companionable than anything else, for she has several serious medical issues. For his sake, I hope so.

So, with your situation, just go out and make friends. Not every lady you meet is necessarily looking for more than a platonic relationship these days in your age range. Take up a hobby that involves various people. I hope you find someone you'll be comfortable with.
 
Lewkat said:
Welcome to our forum, Frio. I was widowed at the age of 33 due to the Vietnam War with an infant son. It took some time for me to recover from that, but while, I eventually began to date, I never remarried nor considered it.

My son has grown into a very busy businessman. Sadly, he was widowed at age 51 when he lost his wife 5 yrs. ago. He's recently taken up with an old girlfriend who divorced her husband. She's older, with a few children and grandchildren. He is childless.

Their relationship seems to be more companionable than anything else, for she has several serious medical issues. For his sake, I hope so.

So, with your situation, just go out and make friends. Not every lady you meet is necessarily looking for more than a platonic relationship these days in your age range. Take up a hobby that involves various people. I hope you find someone you'll be comfortable with.
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I do go play cards with the ladies, and I go to another senior center and eat lunch and play games there. There are some men who have winked at me, and you can read the body language and tell they are "looking". If I was approached later, we would have to wait and see how that would actually go. You never know.
 
I'd like to add that if you see a lady that interests you, there is no harm in saying hello to her and maybe starting up a conversation. I think men are afraid to do that these days. Dating culture is so messed up.
 
birdy said:
I'd like to add that if you see a lady that interests you, there is no harm in saying hello to her and maybe starting up a conversation. I think men are afraid to do that these days. Dating culture is so messed up.
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I have run into men and started talking and really liked it. We both sat at the same table, continued talking and I think we really enjoyed each others company that day. I am a talker and love having something in common.
 
Frio said:
I'm a 77yo senior who has been a widower for about a year and a half now. I've finally reached the point where I'm ready to move on and start living life anew but I'm a bit uncertain about how to go about it. I have no interest in marrying again but I really miss the presence of a loving female in my life.

Questions for the ladies:
1. Because of the devastating side effect of prostate removal surgery 20 years ago, any future relationship I may have will have to be platonic. If I meet someone I'm interested in, how do I broach this subject? Am I doomed to a lonely life or are there plenty of women out there who would be OK with this sort of relationship?
Click to expand...
Be honest with them, you may be surprised.
Frio said:
2. I've never been Mr. Outgoing but lately I've been venturing out of my comfort zone to start being around people again. For the first time since I was a teenager, I've started attending church. I'm really enjoying the fellowship but the congregation is typical of some mainstream U.S. protestant churches in that their membership (mostly elderly) is small and shrinking rapidly. Any suggestions about other places to meet that special lady?
Click to expand...
Perhaps a seniors centre.
Frio said:
3. I've read quite a number of posts in the SF forums from women who complain about widowers who have "shrines" to their deceased wives, and how they consider that a "red flag". I have left my wife's "hobby" room as it was when she died and yes, I have her urn on display on the mantle complete with folded US flag (she was a veteran) and flowers. Is this display so intimidating that I should consider putting it away out of sight if I invite a female into my home?
Click to expand...
I am sure the right lady would not mind, after all, we all have a past.
Wishing you luck.
 
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