Work Tools Explained:
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that
it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers
in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh $hit'!!
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too
short..
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.
Belt SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round
off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also
be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove
a bearing race..
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly
used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity..
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind
of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while
in use.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that
it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers
in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh $hit'!!
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too
short..
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.
Belt SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round
off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also
be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove
a bearing race..
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly
used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity..
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind
of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while
in use.
