Would you let family members put you in a home

pchrise

pchrise

Member
Location
West Coast
Especially kids. Met poor women 88 that was dumped in a nursing home and kids do not want to deal with her. So sad. How would you prevent that from happening to you.
 

If I were in such bad shape that staying here and being an emotional and physical burden on my DD/DSIL warranted my being "put" in a home, yes.
 

Sometimes we have to make difficult decisions. I think the solution to making difficult decisions is to always try to take time to think things through and pray.
 
I would put myself in before I let my kids. I know the best care homes in our area, if there are new ones I would know how to rate them. My fear would be them moving in with me in order to "take care of me". That is happening 3 doors down from me. The father died the daughter moved in with her husband to take care of the mother. Later it was found out her home was being foreclosed on and now they have moved in more of their family. Word is she is spending her mothers money. Also if they stay there the son who is suppose to be over seeing the money may not be able to move the daughter and her family out after Mom dies. This is a law in some states, I know for a fact it is in Arkansas.
 
Sometimes it is the family's only choice. I have a good friend who agonized over this decision for months. His mother had Alzheimers and he did all he could to take care of her at home, but she began wandering off --that was a huge problem; and then she became sort of combative and he hurt his back trying to take care of her. No one in the family could afford to give up their job to take care of her 24/7 and she wasn't safe by herself. In the end he made the difficult decision to put her in a nursing home, which is where she belonged. I'm not sure she even knew she was in a nursing home -- by that time she was living in her own world and didn't know who she was or who anyone else was when they visited her. It was heartwrenching for the family, but they simply could not take care of her at home.
 
I don't have any kids, and I guess my husband would put me in a home only if there was no other possible alternative. If I needed a lot of home care, hopefully he would be able to have someone come in and assist him. If I developed Alzheimer's Disease, then perhaps a home would be the only reasonable decision. Neither of us want to be in a nursing home at all really, ever. Both of us feel that if we were very ill, we would rather opt for something like assisted suicide, rather than go to a home.

When my husband's parents became so ill, starting with his father having a major stroke that paralyzed him, we were able to move them into our home and let them have the main floor for themselves. His father was bedridden, but we were able to lift him into a wheelchair and move him around the house like that. His mother also used a walker and wheelchair at times, as she had a lot of health issues herself.

When my mother was too ill to live by herself anymore, my sister and her husband welcomed her into their home. Neither of us regret keeping our parents with us as opposed to putting them in a home, we wouldn't have had it any other way.

My friend had to put her mother in a nursing home many years ago. She said she had to visit her very frequently, just to be sure that she was being cared for and not neglected. Sometimes we would visit her mother together. It was a depressing place to be, I always felt sorry for everyone there.
 
The sad part is she was not getting the care needed at that home , she had to go to the ER, There are other options like a visiting nurse. Some of those nursing homes abuse people
 
When I looked for a care home I found the best ones in small towns near our city. They were built with their citizens in mind, but take in others to fill the rooms. One especially got two awards for outstanding services towards their patients in the last few year and went 5 years without bad mark against them. I did not find care homes in our city that I liked.
 
I don't think I would like to be in a care home. I have had the experience of moving in with a friend whose mother was bed-ridden. He didn't have the income to care for his mother so I moved in to help. Caring for a loved one who is at the end of their days is very stressful, depressing and a real reality check. I view life now in a very different way than I did before that experience. I really don't think she would have received the very good care she was given in her own home if she were in a care home. When a person has older family members "sacrifice" and who is going to make that sacrifice can open the door to all kinds of family problems. Then when the caring is over, some family members want to complain or blame the person who did all the work for something they didn't like about the way they were living during the caring process. The family members, except for his sister, were not doing the caring or living in the house and they provided no money and no time to help care for the mom, but they wanted to complain and insult the people who did all the work and finances. The first time, caring for an ill person has no lessons it is a day by day process and we gave up our jobs to stay home to care for his mom. I don't understand, all I know is that I do not regret the decision I made to help him with his mother.
 
my wife's mom stayed with us for awhile. she has alzheimer's and had reached the stage where she was very aggressive and impossible to deal with. they decided to put her in full nursing. no choice.
 
My mother tried keeping her mother at home, but it became impossible. The stress was killing my dad, who wasn't well. She had to be watched 24/7 or she'd do things like pour a pan of dishwater into a stove burner (don't ask me why) or drink a glass of bbq sauce, thinking it was ginger ale (don't ask me how she thought THAT). Finally, the social worker told my mom that if she didn't put Grandma into a home, they'd be doing great harm to themselves. So we found an adult congregate living facility that had five other elderly ladies in it that was less than a mile from their house and we scheduled that someone in the family dropped by every single day to see her. She pretty much lived in la-la land anyway, so she wasn't any unhappier there than at home. Eventually, she had to move into a good nursing home, but it was even closer and we kept up the schedule of visiting every day. Sometimes she knew us, sometimes she didn't.

On one of her lucid days, she said to me, "I sacrificed and did without all my life to save up for a rainy day and I guess this is my rainy day..." It about broke my heart.

I hope when my time comes, I will have the cognitive ability to recognize when it is time for me to go into care. I certainly have no illusions that my daughter will take care of me.
 
Sometimes when elderly have bad accidents at home.They are accessed if they can live on their own.The doctor then has them panelled . They are placed in a nursing home here.They have a choice of 3.

This happened to my MIL.She got to her choice within 3 months.It was not too far from where we live.

She lived there for 10 years,died at the age of 92.It was a good nursing home.

Ours here is based on income.
 
I'm reasonably pleased with the nursing home where I placed my wife. It's important that patients have advocates who pay attention to all the details. It doesn't hurt to not act too adversarial. Today I arranged to have enough pizzas delivered tomorrow for the entire staff all three shifts. One thing you learn quickly is that the staff in nursing homes all follow terrible personal health habits. Most smoke and and I'm sure they'll all indulge in tomorrow's free pizza.
 
How nice of you Josiah! Glad your wife is in one of the better nursing homes and your mind can rest easier.
 
Prairie dog, I saw a lawyer as soon as my husband was diagnosed with AZ. He explained what I needed to do if I put my husband in a care home. The day I put him into the care home I was to make an appointment with SRS and do a division of assets. The lawyer asked about my assets, then told me I could keep the car and the home. The rest of the assets would be divided and when I spend down to half, my husband would go on Medicaid and I would keep the rest. The attorney was right about everything he told me. I paid $4,000. plus each month plus meds. He died one month before he would have gone on Medicaid. If he had lived longer I would have lost $500. of our monthly income. I could have lived on what that left me. The good thing about the division of assets beside not leaving me a pauper was that I got to live off of what I called his half or the top half. My car was 5 years old and I was 10 years younger than him, so I wanted to replace it. It was allowed. Also if you have less than $19,000 in assets you get to keep them all and the same with the income. I don't remember the numbers on the income. I was really surprised at how the spouse was protected from losing everything. If people don't know about the division of assets they will end up broke.
 
Vala..sorry about your loss of your hubby.$4000 is a lot to pay.Good you got advise from lawyer.

My MIL paid about 1600 & meds were covered.She had about 300 left after the cost in nursing home.When we did he income tax,she got a refund of 800 without paying any tax during the year.

Here as well ,the fees are much less, if a spouse is living in a home or apartment.

Things are a lot different here in Canada.

A friend of mine in Connecticut has put her home in her children’s names.
 
Thanks for your kind words. It was his time, he was 80 and literally did not know up from down. Just before he died, the home put him in the hospital, that is a loop hole in the law, then they don't have to take him back. They told me his next home would have to be a mental institution, he was a fighter. He did not understand what they were doing when they had to bath him or change his clothes. He did not know who I was but he knew he loved me and would tear up when I walked into his room.

If you anyone here puts their children's names on their parents home, they had better hope they don't need a care home for at least 5 years and maybe more. They can find the transaction and the date when it was signed over to the kids. When I was at the SRS I told him about my assets and even my 1/4 share in my Mom's home which she had sold to us years before she died. He immediately pulled it up, told me the value and how much would be mine. That went on the asset list also. Medicaid can be denied if the children don't return the money.

I think your medical is much cheaper than in the states, but it's very expensive to live there. I truly love Vancouver, wonderful place.
 
Vala..I forgot to say that the Gov't subsidises the fees at nursing home here.Here they only went back 2 years on income tax,but that was nearly 15 years ago.Things could of changed now.

If children were to get sued,the parents home could be on jeopardy.

Vancouver is nice but expensive,too much rain for me.
 
Yes but if she was going into a nursing that wouldn't be a problem, she would have to sell it if she ran out of money. Usually people don't go back home unless they are there just for rehab. A lot of people in this country try to hide the assets so it won't be lost to a care home.

I am very familiar with money situations like that in our country. My Dad died in an auto accident when a teen ran a stop sign doing 80 mph. Mom sued, it was settled out of court. Because there was a minor child it had to go through the courts.The court was going to give my Mom half of the money and our 13 sister the other half. We would not allow that. We would not sign the release paper and the judge made a negative remark about how selfish we were. Well, he didn't know we gave the money back to mom. Our little sister could have married right out of high school and a guy would ended up with it. We wanted our mom to have it. There were 4 of us including my little sister and Mom divided that half of the money and put it in 4 bank accounts. Each of us were joint owners of one account. The point is that any of us could have taken the money in our account, but none of us would have done that. We could have lost it in a divorce or a law suit as you said. It was the only simple way to do it and that was in 1960 and there may not have been as many options back then.

I wanted to add. When mom reached a certain age she started gifting us as much money as the law allows, I think it was $10,000 to me and $5,000 to my husband. She did that until we had all of her money except a few thousand which she later gave to me and my sister because we cared for her.
 
I work full time and am currently looking after my 94 year old mother who is not only handicapped, but is also diabetic, has glaucoma, dementia and depends on a Pacemaker. I'm trying to keep her out of a nursing home for as long as I can, but it gets harder every week as she becomes more needy and unable to do things for herself. Last night she woke me up as she needed to go to the bathroom but she said she was so dizzy that she felt like she was going to pass out (she has been having syncope issues). Right now with the help of an aide during the day, I have able to handle the situation, but should she become immobile and it's looking more like that's going to be a possibility in the not too distant future, I will have no choice but to put her in a home because I won't be able to help her any more. It's not a decision I want to make, but I doubt that I will have a choice.

As for me, I have no children so it's entirely possible that should a home become necessary that I will either be the one who puts myself into one or my doctor.
 

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