FrancesAnn
New Member
- Location
- Southern New England
This winter, I started attending Zoom sessions with a local Zen community. Years ago, I did practice with this same community when it was much smaller and sessions were held in a local UU church. I probably sat with them for five full years attending weekly and weekend retreats. They've grown over the years and established a temple. Well, it's still closed due to Covid-19 but the meditations are held on line. Due to my work schedule, I can join in the evening sessions starting at 7 p.m. three nights a week. The teachers are a couple married to each other and retired. They did not remember me when I rejoined their community in December 2020.
Well the continued contact is encouraging me to move on rather than continue sitting with them. The sittings aren't a problem, it's the pre-sit chatter and comments by the teachers. The small talk is that of a bonded group with inside jokes and teasing banter. When I said I had purchased two books by their lineage founder and was finding them helpful and enjoyable to read, one of the teachers acted as if it was a joke somehow. The other teacher stepped in and said it was great.
The dharma talk the other night was offered by the teacher who said she could tell who was a serious meditator and who was not by how they came to the sittings and how often. As if, there was a measurement going on. They sit at 7 a.m. most weekdays. That's commute hour so I am not able to join. It came across that some of us are not meeting some standard. How does she know what we do at home? Comments like that are awkward and it doesn't feel welcoming. Well, it may not be a good fit but I took out a membership for the year. I've made a partial payment but feel unwilling at this time to continue. Is it too soon to make a decision? Or, could it be on Zoom they don't come across well. I started practicing avoidant behavior by logging on at 6:59 p.m. before each formal meditation.
They do offer zen talks once a month but it's during the day when I am at work. So, I wonder if their audience is largely retired? There isn't another way to learn their tradition besides the books by the founder. It ain't working and it makes me sad. They had an online weekend retreat in February that I couldn't attend due to cost and commitment of time. So, they still talk about it during the chatter times before the bell rings.The teacher still has such a warm tone in her voice towards those who did attend and points them out in front of the community. How do I get out of this gracefully?
Well the continued contact is encouraging me to move on rather than continue sitting with them. The sittings aren't a problem, it's the pre-sit chatter and comments by the teachers. The small talk is that of a bonded group with inside jokes and teasing banter. When I said I had purchased two books by their lineage founder and was finding them helpful and enjoyable to read, one of the teachers acted as if it was a joke somehow. The other teacher stepped in and said it was great.
The dharma talk the other night was offered by the teacher who said she could tell who was a serious meditator and who was not by how they came to the sittings and how often. As if, there was a measurement going on. They sit at 7 a.m. most weekdays. That's commute hour so I am not able to join. It came across that some of us are not meeting some standard. How does she know what we do at home? Comments like that are awkward and it doesn't feel welcoming. Well, it may not be a good fit but I took out a membership for the year. I've made a partial payment but feel unwilling at this time to continue. Is it too soon to make a decision? Or, could it be on Zoom they don't come across well. I started practicing avoidant behavior by logging on at 6:59 p.m. before each formal meditation.
They do offer zen talks once a month but it's during the day when I am at work. So, I wonder if their audience is largely retired? There isn't another way to learn their tradition besides the books by the founder. It ain't working and it makes me sad. They had an online weekend retreat in February that I couldn't attend due to cost and commitment of time. So, they still talk about it during the chatter times before the bell rings.The teacher still has such a warm tone in her voice towards those who did attend and points them out in front of the community. How do I get out of this gracefully?
