Jeez. Where to begin.
I certainly learned a lot of bad s**t from my parents. I've written on this before, so won't go into the details again. For this post I want to give voice to possible reasons for their actions. I've spent time trying to figure out how they ended up so bent out of shape, and formed their ideas.
Firstly, my parents met and were married just after World War II. They were Londoners. London was a mess, and this forced thousands of young folk to leave the place they were born and raised to what were called "New Towns". The war affected everything from housing, to health care, to jobs. They had a real struggle, and that was their start. This was on top of what they learned from their parents. My fathers dad had lost a leg, my mothers mum had passed away. That was all in their formative years and conditioned their expectations and behaviors. Single parenting was tough back then, especially when you were disabled.
My parents had four children, I am the youngest. One passed away. My parents were strict, as though they were afraid we'd step on an unexploded bomb as soon as we left the house. Being a New Town, strangers were thrown together, they didn't know anyone. The town grew around them (they were some of the first people arriving) so roads weren't all complete, facilities weren't available, and so on. It must have felt unsettling and precarious.
The eldest, my sister, became a teen, with all that brings. My father hated the idea of boyfriends and the like, and curfews were set at silly times. Fights ensued, battles. Teen stuff. My sister quickly met her man and wanted to marry, my parents hated him and everything about him, mostly just because. More wars - though the marriage happened. I remember those wars well, and it just felt like self-hatred.
The thing to remember about such things is that a battle with my sister unsettled the entire family. We all had to live it. Kids do, and that's vital to remember and take into account - which my parents never did. If you have siblings, and they're acting out in some way and causing waves, you have to remember that the ripples from that affect the entire family, even if only indirectly.
My brother was a horror. Lots of petty crime, police involvement, drunkenness, and I came to learn later some drug use. You can imagine, that brought much angst to the family. Hell, he and I shared a bedroom until my sister married and left home, so I had to put up with a drunk coming home, him puking in the corner or in his bed, and I think you can get the picture. My father tried to spend time with him, going fishing etc., but it wore him out, I guess. By the time it came to me, my father didn't even bother trying to help me enjoy my interests.
I was always the runt of the family. I was small, weedy, and shy. Whether this is because of all this, or if I was simply like this and was more vulnerable to it all, I can't say. I just knew, from a very early age, that I much preferred it when I was alone. Then again, by the time I came along, they were done with parenting, they already had been worn down and exasperated by the other kids.
My father did the same job for most of his life, at the same factory. My mother worked as a nurse. He thought of that as being a good steady foundation you could rely on. However, by the time I was job hunting, the model didn't make a whole lot of sense. People just didn't commit their entire life to one employer any more. My chopping and changing jobs really annoyed them.
I recall coming home with my very first paycheck. I went into the living room where my parents were with a big smile on my face, I was so happy to finally be a man. My mother had her hand out, "right, where's our money?" Meaning, where was my contribution to the family finances. I had to hand over half of my wage. It turned a great moment into misery (whether one thinks I should have given money to the family finance, I question the timing!)
I try to think of all this through their eyes. They had a rough start, and thought they were putting rules in place to make things better for us kids. But they never updated their ideas or feelings to the times. They came from a world where a lot was regimented, and you didn't question authority - whereas we grew up in a world where questioning authority was the norm. They grew up in a world of restriction, desolation, and few choices, we grew up in a world of exploding possibilities (comparative wise).
There are no excuses for what I went through (clearly they're not all covered here), but I do try to get context for them. So much damage is done, and it's not all deliberate. Sometimes it's just dealing with life issues. The problem is, you can be bad with good intentions.
In modern day terms, how in the world is a child going to get a good start if their parents are heavy drug users, drunks, or criminals?
