Funeral Etiquette and Customs

Della

Della

Well-known Member
Location
Ohio
Well lets face it, the older we get the more funerals we go to and I've never been completely confident that I'm doing the right thing.

Do you have to wear all black or is dark gray or navy okay?
Do you go to the viewing, the funeral, the graveside, or all three?
Do you go to the family home when you first hear about the death?
Do you go to the family home after the funeral?
Do you send flowers to the home or the place where the funeral will be held?
Do you send sympathy cards immediately upon finding out about the death or after the funeral?
 

These things are dependent on local, religious and personal customs.

While I always wear a dark suit, I think it doesn’t matter as long as you look presentable.

Whether you go to the viewing and funeral and church service (if any) depends on how close you were to the person.

I don’t send a card if I’m going to the viewing. I just bring a card with me.

I never send flowers; as most families don’t seem to want them.
 
Do you have to wear all black or is dark gray or navy okay?
I wore orange to my brother's funeral because it was his favorite color and red to a cousin's funeral for the same reason.

Do you go to the viewing, the funeral, the graveside, or all three?
I usually go to the first two and always go the wake, but only for close relatives.

Do you go to the family home when you first hear about the death?
Only if they're immediate family members, though I did go visit the widow of a very close friend. Me and the deceased felt like brothers.

Do you go to the family home after the funeral?
If that's where the wake is held, yes. But I went to my gramma's house after my gramps's funeral. She needed some work done.

Do you send flowers to the home or the place where the funeral will be held?
The funeral home.

Do you send sympathy cards immediately upon finding out about the death or after the funeral?
I've never sent a sympathy card but I have phoned the closest family member.
 

This past Monday, we went to the graveside where my brother-in-law's ashes were interred. He lived in the U.S. so, my sister-in-law came in from Ohio, nephew from California, and niece from NYC. My sister had food
catered in for people who drove in from out of town. We gave my sister-in-law an envelope with a sympathy card and some money (this is Japanese custom).
 
Thanks, Sciguy, Murrmurr and Pinky! It helps to get other opinions about this. At the moment a good friend's husband has just died and I'll probably do all three. She has a really big, close family so I don't want to intrude on them, but I also want her to know she has my full support. I think my main job will be down the road, during the next few years, with lots of lunch dates.
 
Della said:
Well lets face it, the older we get the more funerals we go to and I've never been completely confident that I'm doing the right thing.

Do you have to wear all black or is dark gray or navy okay?
Do you go to the viewing, the funeral, the graveside, or all three?
Do you go to the family home when you first hear about the death?
Do you go to the family home after the funeral?
Do you send flowers to the home or the place where the funeral will be held?
Do you send sympathy cards immediately upon finding out about the death or after the funeral?
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Hey, Della. Just being there for them means a lot.

As for me, generally wear dark, but definitely a black tie.
For seniors it is usually difficult for them to navigate a gravesite service. Esp. if it is on a gradient. Were I have to choose, the funeral and signing of the visitor's book would be my priority. Two out of three works well, though.
Generally, will not visit the family home. Prefer to give them grieving time and space.
Used to always send flowers. Guess that's not such a big deal these days.
Same with sympathy cards. Usually try to do that after the funeral. My way of acknowledging their final passing and hoping it offers a bit more support to the family.

[ Personal note here for really close friends. Sometimes its just too hard for them to do and they don't show for any of it. Don't hold that against them. Their heartbreak is mentally crippling for them as well as you ]
 
I think traditions vary family to family and faith to faith.

I don't worry about any of that, for me it's about my level of intimacy with the deceased and family.

Casual acquaintance or friends relative I'll go to the funeral home and pay my respects, not the cemetery or the wake. Close friends, or their immediate family I'll attend everything to show support.
 
Della said:
Well lets face it, the older we get the more funerals we go to and I've never been completely confident that I'm doing the right thing.

Do you have to wear all black or is dark gray or navy okay?
Do you go to the viewing, the funeral, the graveside, or all three?
Do you go to the family home when you first hear about the death?
Do you go to the family home after the funeral?
Do you send flowers to the home or the place where the funeral will be held?
Do you send sympathy cards immediately upon finding out about the death or after the funeral?
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Thanks for asking these questions. It was helpful! 🙂
 
When I lived in Nebraska, I was a member of the local Military Honors Group
made up of mostly retired Vets from the Service Organizations, VFW, American Legion and DAV.
We were notified of the time and place of the service.
One person checked out the ceremonial weapons and blanks.

One person would play 'Taps', 7 with weapons, 4 to hold and fold the Flag.

Two of us, the Commander and I rotated the honor of presenting the Flag to the next kin
because it is one of the hardest things I've ever done.

You look directly into their eyes and say

"This flag is presented by a grateful nation
It is an expression of appreciation for the honorable and faithful service rendered by your loved one.
Please accept my sincere condolences."

Each time you are looking into the eyes of grief and you wanted to do your best to honor their loved one.

After the service, we always had requests by those attending if they could have one of the spent shells
used in the 21 Gun Salute. We always honored their request.
 
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Traditions are even different across the country. For my mother’s funeral, I’d requested that if they wished donations could be made to a charity in lieu of flowers. One cousin was shocked and sent the usual bouquet prior to reading the obit. He was really upset to learn of the difference in these western provinces. Most death notices here say there will be a private family gathering later or No Service. That’s if you can find an Obit to read. It’s so expensive, many people bypass it.
 
The Spousal Equivalent has been a member of a national motorcycle group called Patriot Guard Riders.

At a family's invitation, the Guard will ride for funerals of veterans, first responders (police, fire, ambulance crews) or others. They will ride in the procession, stand along the drive to the cemetery with flags, serve as protection from press or protesters (it's amazing how people intent on disturbing a funeral/burial service will scatter when they see a wall of big, scary-looking motorcycle guys) or whatever is needed. Once again, this is totally at the family's invitation.

They also participate in special occasions for days of observance, like Memorial Day, Veterans Day, etc.
 
Simple rule for me. Ask the family. The event os for them not thr deceased - they're dead and gone.

The last one I went to was my Dad's - and I set the rules.

Be yourself
No black suits - it's a celebration of his life not a mourning of his death.
Seemed to go down well (Pun intended)
 
Do you have to wear all black or is dark gray or navy okay?
Not required, but red or pink would be in bad taste.

Do you go to the viewing, the funeral, the graveside, or all three?
Depends on how well I knew the deceased. A casual acquaintance - viewing. Good friend - funeral. Family - funeral and graveside.

Do you go to the family home when you first hear about the death?
No. Things will be in an a uproar. Plenty of time after the interment to pay a sympathy call.

Do you go to the family home after the funeral?
Only if I'm invited. Some families have a reception after the service.

Do you send flowers to the home or the place where the funeral will be held?
Never flowers. I consider that a big waste of money. I prefer to donate to a charity named in the obit, or any worthy charity in their name.

Do you send sympathy cards immediately upon finding out about the death or after the funeral?
Again, it depends on the relationship. Only close friends and family will receive a sympathy card from me.
 
debodun said:
Do you have to wear all black or is dark gray or navy okay?
Not required, but red or pink would be in bad taste.
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"Bad taste" varies widely among cultures. Wear a loud aloha shirt to a Hawaiian funeral and you'll blend in quite nicely. Wear a dark suit and a tie and it might be suggested you go home and change.

At my husband's funeral, most people had on shorts and tee-shirts (as did I) because we were honoring him by doing what he loved best, which was eating, drinking beer, laughing about memories, and going out on the lake in boats.
 
We wear our nicer clothes but not necessarily black or navy blue. 99% of the funerals I have been to were cremations, no viewing, no services , no get togethers afterwards. 99% the funerals I have been to, flowers were not wanted, instead a donation to a favourite charity or whatever, for example: Doctors without Borders. Only time I have signed sympathy cards were for office colleagues' family members who had died.
 
At any funeral I have attended there was no specific colour to wear. I usually don't go to the wake. I would rather say my condolences to the family members and leave. When my dear friend, whom I have known since we were 15/16, told me she never wanted a funeral service, no flowers and no notices in the papers, I passed this on to her son who carried out her wishes. Straight from the mortuary to the crematorium. I was rather sad to think she had been on this earth all these 82 years, and no recognition.
 
Della said:
Do you have to wear all black or is dark gray or navy okay?
Do you go to the viewing, the funeral, the graveside, or all three?
Do you go to the family home when you first hear about the death?
Do you go to the family home after the funeral?
Do you send flowers to the home or the place where the funeral will be held?
Do you send sympathy cards immediately upon finding out about the death or after the funeral?
Click to expand...
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1. Funerals I have been to, any subdued colour/style semi formal to formal clothing is ok. I do not wear all black and neither do most others Some men wear ties but many do not.
I would wear dark colour pants and a subdued pattern top unless it was requested other wise. Have been to one funeral where we wore yellow and black, school colours, and we were representing our school where he worked, a couple of others wearing work uniform (with works permission) representing work place where deceased and myself and others attending worked
Have seen some people attending in football shirts representing the club the person belonged to.

2. I do not go to viewings. The funeral and the graveside if such is the case. Not all funerals here go to the cemetery afterward

3. No

4 . Yes, but only if invited. Likewise to gatherings in hotels for lunch or dinner or drinks afterward

5. No I do not send flowers. If requested I make a donation to the charity requested.

8. I do not send sympathy cards. I sign and message the book if there is one at the funeral.
 
During the period of 2010 thru 2014, I went to several funerals, four in Illinois and six in Texas.
- three of the Illinois funerals (Chicago area) had everyone dressed up, and afterwards a reception was held with a meal and later on an open bar. My Houston born wife was absolutely stunned by the open bar, and that the meal was pretty much like a party setting. I explained that was fairly normal up there, and folks were celebrating the person's life, rather than mourning their deaths.

- two of the Texas funerals (husband and then wife of my neighbor) were heavily attended in a town outside Houston. My oldest son and I dressed up (business suits) and attended. I kid you not, we were the only guys there with a suit. Some folks thought we were employees of the funeral home. The men were all in casual clothes - jeans and western shirts and the like. There was a small reception (no bar) afterwards.

- the other four Texas funerals were in Houston, and maybe half the men were dressed up. There was no meal afterwards, and these were very solemn events.

Obviously customs vary, and I guess what is appropriate is in the eye of the beholder. Ha, at one time I told my son I wanted a big party afterwards, with a DJ and open bar. Now, my thought is when they get me in the ground, just go home and think about me. (yikes, that sounds a bit bitter, and I guess that may be the case).
 


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