The jokes only thread....

Pappy

Pappy

Living the Dream
Location
Florida (transplanted New Yorker.)
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in? " he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya. "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband? "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery. "Oh, God no! " cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me... "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. "Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim? "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned. "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly? "Well, no Brenda, no. "No? "Fact is, he got out three times to pee. "
 

Pappy said:
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in? " he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya. "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband? "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery. "Oh, God no! " cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me... "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. "Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim? "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned. "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly? "Well, no Brenda, no. "No? "Fact is, he got out three times to pee. "
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COINCIDENCE

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."
 

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you. "She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde. " The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde? "
 
So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."
 
[h=3]Over Sixties One-liners[/h]1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21 you can't remember who sent you this list?
 
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom? Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white? "
 
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.


He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”


She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”


“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”


She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”


The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”


“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”


The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.


“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”


“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”


The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”


LOL! Keep smiling! <3 ENJOY!!
 
Husband takes the wife to a Club.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
 
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]Two Mexican detectives were investigating the death of Juan Gonzalez.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]"How do you think he was killed ?", asks one detective.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]The other detective replies, "with a golf gun".[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]"A golf gun, what on earth is a golf gun ?"[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]"I'm not sure but it sure made a hole in Juan".[/FONT][/FONT]
 
The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
 
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life! "They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said... "Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down! "
 
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]1. Two guys were discussing current trends on sex, marriage and family values.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]Bill said, "I didn't sleep with my wife till after we were married, did you ?[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]Jim replied, "I'm not sure what was her maiden name ?"[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]2. A very bright little boy ask his mother, "mom were did my intelligence come from ?[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]His mother replied, "you must have gotten it from your father, I still have mine."[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]3. "Mr. Clark I have reviewed this case very carefully", the divorce judge said, " and I have decided to give your wife $800.00 per week."[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]"that's very kind of you Your Honor", replied Mr. Clark, "I'll try and send her a few bucks also."[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]4. A doctor examining a man that had been rushed to the emergency room called the wife aside and said, "ma'am I'm sorry but I don't like the looks of your husband".[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]The wife replied, "me either but he's a good provider and great with our children".[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]5. A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "can you tell me how long it will take to fly from New York to Dallas ?"[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]The busy ticket agent replies, "just a minute."[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]The blonde says, "thank you" and hangs up.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]6. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the death of Juan Gonzalez.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]"How do you think he was killed ?", asks one detective.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]The other detective replies, "with a golf gun".[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]"A golf gun, what on earth is a golf gun ?"[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]"I'm not sure but it sure made a hole in Juan".[/FONT][/FONT]
 
Who Is The Real Boss? The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn’t respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, “I am the boss”. One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said “your wife wants her sign back”
 
[FONT=q_serif]Apologies to American members....There is the taxi driver story about the American that he was driving around London.
The american wanted to know about all the landmarks. Each time the driver told him about something the reply was that we have that sort of building bigger and said they were always taller and quickly built.
After a while the driver went past Buckingham Palace, the guy says what’s that big building. the driver replied, I don’t know, it wasn’t there yesterday.
That soon shut his boasting up…..


[/FONT][FONT=q_serif][/FONT]
 
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I was at the counter in Starbucks yesterday, when the serving-wench loudly informed me I was pretentious and should ''Get a life''.

...I was so shocked at her impudence I very nearly dropped my sucrose-free Austrian goats-milk double-semi-decaf soy milk extra-hot Cappuccino with the dash of Madagascar cinnamon and half tablespoon of caramel-latte-frappa tall-soy carmel Hazelnut machiato!!

PRETENTIOUS? MOI??? HMMPH!

WHAT a cheek.
 


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