The jokes only thread....

I used to think a great weekend could be spent hiking a State Park.
I no longer think one can spend a great weekend at a state park.
I used to enjoy waiting for the newspaper so I could read Peanuts and Buzz Sawyer comics.
I enjoy meeting people and doing beers. Talking about the hair doo's of the 70's? I don't.
Have you ever heard a great Construction site joke? Me neither.
I once had a Baby Chair and gruel to eat. Jars of baby food, ugh!

Have you ever broken the handle of a garden tool. Shovel, spade, hoe or rake ?
You head for the Hardware store, see the replacement price and just go to a bar instead?

The 4th last year was a bummer, everyone had to go to somebody else's place.
I thought the heat of July was a lot like sitting in a chair next to a fictional book's creation of a TV show in the 80's
Nobody's invited here this year to blow stuff up. A band is to play in a field of drying Alfalfa.

You know Baggets are a great answer to most any dinner including a soup or Stew?
 

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the
restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to
return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more
agitated he became.

He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the
car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, " While you're in there, you might as well get my
hat and the credit card."
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About squirrels

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church.
Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
 
John's, is noted for his gracious manners, and awakened one morning at 4:00 A.M. by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice. John thanked the caller and politely asked
his name and number before hanging up. The next morning at precisely 4:00 A.M., John called his neighbor back.
"Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to say that I don't have a dog."
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An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
 
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Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place.
Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back in their cages. Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"
"A lawyer? Why??" "We need someone who can speak their language!"
__________________________________________________ ____________

Have you heard about the elephant with diarrhea?
It's all over town!
______________________________________________

For birthday husband bought wife a bath scale, as a joke. For his birthday, she bought him a ruler.
_________________________________________________________
 
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. Throughout the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son,
Anthony

A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, nor do you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama
 
Grampa is very old. After some time, Grandpa imagines the good old days
and people all around him. ↑ ↑ ... Stimulations be danged ! .....
Grandpa said, "I just thought of something unimportant."
"What is the difference between a Pig and a Fox? Around 4 drinks."
 
U can tell if a delivery van driver is a local or not. Local driver, parks wrong side of rode, door open, no flashers, just as close to the door as possible in front of the drive.

Non-Local drivers park correctly, not blocking the drive, flasher on, closes the vans door as he walks the few extra steps to the front door with the packages.
 
A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers,
“Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
'You've got male!'”🤣
 

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