The Mindless Thread

I left a $20 to cover the kids damage they may or may not have done. Ground Hog Day. Came and went ... 2-4-6-8- who do we appreciate?
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Sometimes we back out of a parking place to view a whole new complex set of problems.
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I suddenly had an idea for a Joke ! I forget the punch line but it had something to not doing with not peeing for over 30 years and all the hotties blowing out the back door of the bar.
 

Looks like you forget the punch line, the setup with the "not peeing for over 30 years and all the hotties blowing out the back door of the bar" sounds like it could lead to a pretty wild and hilarious punchline. 😂
 
Charlie's shopping at the local Moto-Mart.
He accidentally collides with an old guy.
"I'm sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and
I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going!"

Danny, the other old guy says, "I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

Charlie says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her.
What does she look like?"

Danny says, "She is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts."
"What's your wife look like?"
"Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
Paco Dennis said:
Looks like you forget the punch line, the setup with the "not peeing for over 30 years and all the hotties blowing out the back door of the bar" sounds like it could lead to a pretty wild and hilarious punchline. 😂
Click to expand...
It was something about a Dr. telling me that I must give up my favorite food, Pea's or die young. I did live a full life following his advise. People just couldn't understand my dilemma ! ..... :coffee: ..... Ya know bars are pretty noisy and all the flowing booze !
 

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papa tiger said:
Charlie's shopping at the local Moto-Mart.
He accidentally collides with an old guy.
"I'm sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and
I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going!"

Danny, the other old guy says, "I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

Charlie says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her.
What does she look like?"

Danny says, "She is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts."
"What's your wife look like?"
"Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
Click to expand...
Let's hope Charlie's wife doesn't catch wind of their "search mission" or he might be in hot water! :)
 
The old farmer and his plow horse have a spat!
"Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse," says the farmer.
"You work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on you much."
" I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster."

"I said 'feedbag' not 'feedback'." "Ya Arsshole"
 
It has been a miracle I made it anywhere creatively, because I was raised by two loving and supportive parents.
Nothing squashes creativity more than unconditional love and support from a functional household. If you have kids,
speak negatively about everything they do. Try hard to quash all their free-thinking ideas.
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A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago."

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!"
The woman says, "thirty years ago that wasn't an electric fence either!"
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Two nuns from the old country have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers...cautiously: "What part did you get?
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The student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping. He didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:
"Dear Son, your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. ... Love, Dad." ...
 
“So, how do I explain this to her? I’m trying to just figure out, you know, the right way to do it in a clean way,
no cursing, abstain from cussing and anger.

I’m just going, ‘U—uh—uh—uh, well, it’s a . . ." And then my lil daughter goes, "That’s O.K.,
Daddy, you tried your best."

And I was like, "That’s what she said.”
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The only kind of man that would leave a woman who makes more money is the kind of man who doesn’t respect life. "twss"
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A little boy was out behind the barn playing with himself when he got off, its never happened to the boy so it scared him he ran inside screaming daddy, I was out behind the barn playing with myself when something shot out of it all over a rock his daddy said, ah son don't worry about that that's where babies come from. Little boy says, "really," and runs back out behind the barn. There was a Bull Frog sitting on the rock, boy looks and says, "you're an ugly little bastard, but its ok daddy still loves ya."
 
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Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand.
Extend your arms straight out from your sides,
hold them there for a full minute, and then relax.

After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags.
Then try 50-pound potato bags, and
eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and
hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level,
put a potato in each bag.

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The optimist sees the glass as half full.
The pessimist sees the glass as half empty.
The engineer sees that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
The Economist sees you have too big of a glass!

Some of my shorts bubble flatulence up in front instead of going out the back too!
Have you noticed the guy on the park bench doing the uncomfortable fart move?
You're sitting at the stop light and the driver next to you makes the move?
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While using your mindless plan, one that may work if you don't count on it too hard.
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It was the middle of the night. Suddenly there was a loud rapping on the doctor's door, followed by a groan.
The doctor angrily thrust his head out of the window. "WELL?" he shouted. "No," moaned the man. "Sick."
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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
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The old lady has always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she is getting on in years, she thinks, "I would really like to do so before I can't."
So she goes to the Passport Office and asks, "How long would take to have one issued?" "You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please. "The old gal raised her right hand.

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.
The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?"
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Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence." "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
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The lawyer has awakened from the anesthesia after surgery, & asks, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctors?"
"There's a big fire across the street", the doctors reply, "We didn't want you to think your surgery was a failure."
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HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE Southern Guy PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.
"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN.. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE Southern Boy says, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS This Southern Ole Boy IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, ANOTHER FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," he Says.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"
THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A CRAP BEHIND IT!"
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A young Minnesota farm couple, Joe and Lena , got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Joe left the house for the fields, they made love. When Joe came back from the fields, they made love. And again, at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their "nooner"; it took Joe a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Joe asked the town doctor what to do.

"Joe," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Lena 's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time." They tried Doc's advice, it worked well for a while. Ole came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?" "Oh, it worked real good," said Joe. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Lena 'd come a runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, So what's the problem?" asked the Doc. "I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."
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My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to revarnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it
while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a
shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.

As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.

Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. (Try to get a mental picture of this.). .... Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet
you've never seen anything like this before?"

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them, I just never saw one mounted and framed."
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Little old lady goes into the store & is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in
all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,
"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough,
it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"
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The Lil Old Lady then visits her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying ******?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance" she replies. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem," says the doctor. "Give him ******.” "What on Earth is ******?" she asks.
"It's ****** & dissolves in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes," he says.
She calls the doctor the very next afternoon. "How did it go?" he asks.

"Doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell you! I'm beside myself!" "Oh, no! What in the world happened?"
"Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the ****** in his morning coffee, and he drank it.

It took effect almost immediately, and he jumps straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face,
a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups,
saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, rips my clothes to tatters
and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. Twas a nightmare!
I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

“Why so terrible?" asks the doctor. "Wasn't it any good?"
"It was the best I've had in over 25 years, but sure as I'm sitting here, Doc..."
"I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
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You can say that getting my 50 lb. drone stuck in a tree with our orders of Taco's hasn’t been the worst thing that happened to me today. Planting, planting and more planting but losing the Drone, Well? It’s definitely up there.
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1st the self-driving car. Then the AI robot in the Car. Then no need for people in the car. Then no need for the car or the Robots in the car.
Then no need for people or Robot in the car and no need for a Car. Can you see where all this is going without cars or robots or people in them? Uh huh no reason to ever travel more than a few miles from home because you got a Cell Phone App. Soon all peoples realize there is no reason to play games on a Cell Phone cause an App can easily replace them.
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Our young men and women why they simply can't answer the prime question of why do this to yourself, how about the future?
Tomorrow the sun will rise on a terrific day and what cha got? Maybe you read the book, about the one man, only one man left. Silently?
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After the baby was born, the angry father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," says Yuko, "I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn't possible," Yuko insists. "We're pure Asian." "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" Yuko is shamed but says, "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."
"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. ... "It's just rust." ... (y)
 
A magician has a job on a cruise ship. It all starts off well, except the captains in the front row with his parrot at every show. After a few shows the parrot gets bored and starts heckling the magician. "Rawk, his assistant has it." "Rawk, there's mirror under the table" "Rawk, the box has a false bottom" the last night of heckling starts, but the ship hits an iceberg and sinks, the magician is floating on a door with the parrot clinging to the other side. They just glare at each other for 2 days. On the third day the parrot says, " I give, where's the damn boat?"
 
My next house will have no kitchen ...just vending machines, a Microwave and ice dispenser! I'd live life in the fast lane but
I am married to a speed bump.
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Roman books a Cruise for his vacation treat but soon after it sails a violent storm comes up and he finds himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After months, he is lying on the beach ready to give up when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." "Thats amazing," he says, "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars I whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron, I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Well, Roman is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. Roman looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, Roman can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," says Roman still dazed in awe, "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, " I'm going to slip into something more comfortable."

"Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs." No longer questioning anything, he goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism." This woman is amazing, "He muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smells faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," She begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?"

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean," Roman swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course too?"
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3 blondes are trying to cross a river. The first blonde prays and asks to be more intelligent so she can cross the river. God agrees and
makes her a brunette so she swims across the river.

The second blonde prays and asks to be even smarter than the last so she can cross the river faster. God agrees and makes her a redhead
so, she builds a rowboat and crosses the river.

The last blonde prays to be even smarter than the last so she can cross the river even faster. God agrees and turns her into a man then she walks the Bridge.

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Ever notice that your friends spend money on beer, they spend money on cigarettes, and lottery tickets' They spend their money on going to all the home Games, tailgating, motels and dining out Afterwords. Sure they constantly complain about being broke and not feeling well?
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"So, what's your problem," they ask?
 
Have you ever been listened to a clock ticking on the wall, the clitter clatter of the lap top keyboard and the cicadas in the ears
6 weeks of it to come if you hear them ?
 
Guy's sitting at the bar having a few drinks & he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.
He asks the bartender over and says, "whatever she's drinking, I'll buy her another one ." The bartender replies, "I don't think you want to do that." It's OK, "Send her the drink!" "O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea." "Why?" asks the Guy. The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian." "I don't care, give her the drink." Then he casually strolls down to the other end of the bar, sits down next to her and asks, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?"
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