Seniors in Denial

Don M.

Don M.

SF VIP
Location
central Missouri
Recently, I have found out about a Senior Cousin and his wife who are apparently experiencing a sharp decline in their overall health, yet refuse to seek proper medical care/treatment. They appear to have minimal financial problems, and have proper medical insurance, etc., yet refuse to acknowledge that they need help. The other cousins, etc., are united in their concerns, but this couple seems to take any/all suggestions as criticism and are increasingly becoming isolated from those around them. They do not have any children, so their siblings are having to deal with this.

Has anyone run into a similar situation, and found a solution? Since there are people on this forum who may have had experience with similar situations, I thought I would see if there are any suggestions out there.
 

Whether or not medical care will help them or not depends on their illness. Not all medical conditions can be helped - though we are conditioned to believe they can.
Perhaps your cousin & his wife understand this & choose to live as they see fit. It is their right.
 

It is their right and they deserve to live out their life as to how they choose. We do not like to see anyone, let alone family members needing help and refuse help. If things get too bad for them, they may seek help but if not, its their choice. What are their ages? My confidence in the medical arena on a scale of 1-10 - is more like a -1.
 
My older brother never saw a doctor or a dentist unless it was an emergency. He was a chronic alcoholic with a wife & two daughters and all he cared about was being at the bar. He eventually lost his drivers license then took up guzzling vodka in a chair outside his trailer. He died of asbestos poisoning which despite being a slow death was probably better than sclerosis of the liver. Either way to ignore any and all medical help is stupid. He left his family nothing. His life was a waste.
 
We had a similar situation with mother in law. She had survived her husband for 4 years and lived 1,500 miles away - way up north...lol. We would go to see her, but she never would come down to Texas after her husband died. She didn't drive or wouldn't fly. She refused to move in with us. I had good friends still in the town where she lived and where we were born and raised in, so I ask them to drop in on her from time to time. We'd talk on the phone, but that was the extent of contact except when we came up to see her.

Basically there has to come a "decisive moment" for folks like this. For her it came in the middle of the night...she called 911, because she was "frightened" and the state she lived in - Ohio - had elder care laws... "wrote her up". She was put in an assisted living center temporarily and that did it...we came up, rented a car, arranged for her house to be sold, went through it with her to choose what she wanted to keep, packed her in the Lincoln and drove her down to Texas to live with us.

She was 80 at the time and lived for another 15 years, last few years spent in a nursing home. Sigh.

Think people like your cousin & wife have to get scared enough to catch their attention.
 
fmdog44 said:
My older brother never saw a doctor or a dentist unless it was an emergency. He was a chronic alcoholic with a wife & two daughters and all he cared about was being at the bar. He eventually lost his drivers license then took up guzzling vodka in a chair outside his trailer. He died of asbestos poisoning which despite being a slow death was probably better than sclerosis of the liver. Either way to ignore any and all medical help is stupid. He left his family nothing. His life was a waste.
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You're missing an important point. There is NO doctor or medicine that can help an alcoholic or any drug addict or smoker. It wouldn't have mattered one bit if your brother saw doctors or dentists & your brother was probably well aware of that fact. What miracles would you expect from them?
What is "stupid" is destroying one's health with lifestyle, then seeing doctors & expecting them to fix it.
 
win231 said:
You're missing an important point. There is NO doctor or medicine that can help an alcoholic or any drug addict or smoker. It wouldn't have mattered one bit if your brother saw doctors or dentists & your brother was probably well aware of that fact. What miracles would you expect from them?
What is "stupid" is destroying one's health with lifestyle, then seeing doctors & expecting them to fix it.
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I completely agree. Add on mental disorders, some dementia , a touch of fear and possibly a mini stroke or two and you’ve got a hot mess.

These people don’t want anything to change. They want what they are used to and people coming in changing things up isn’t one of them no matter how helpful.
 
@Don M. = Sometimes the ''cure'' is worse or more frightening than the actual illness. I am also ''doctor and drug averse'' so will wait until the last minute to seek help. They're adults and should have the freedom and rights to live their life their way. They obviously resent the admonitions, "are increasingly becoming isolated from those around them", so pushing them is not the way to handle it. When they ''reach bottom'' I'm sure they will reach out for help or call 911 if need be.
 
PVC said:
@Don M. When they ''reach bottom'' I'm sure they will reach out for help or call 911 if need be.
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Not necessarily so. People who are more on the narcissistic side are too stubborn / arrogant to ask for help and sometimes they get too scared or incapacitated to even call 911.

People who only seek doctors when they absolutely have to don’t foresee things like strokes or falls which may land them in hospital so talking about it IS exactly what they do need.

In the last 3 years I have gone through this with my folks who absolutely refused to go into a retirement home or nursing facility. If this is the case then they need to have a plan and the finances to be able to die with dignity at home.

If they don’t plan this when they can then the choices might be out of their hands. Others will make these choices for them.

The law regarding this is that you can live as you like as long as you are not a harm to yourself or others. Once you become incapacitated, there’s a good chance you ARE a harm to yourself and others but just don’t know it which IS dangerous.

I won’t go into the problems I encountered regarding this but it can become a real train wreck waiting to happen.
 
Maybe they already know Don, they might have
seen a Doctor not too long ago, but want to keep
the results private.

The only other way would be to get a senior organisation
to ask when they last had a check-up and that they can
arrange one, to see how they can better advise them about
diet, exercise etc.

Mike.
 
I will be one of those people who lives life in the way I see fit, making adjustments along the way, until said life is not worth living. Barring complete mental degradation to the point where I am no longer "me," my exit plan is clear and of no danger to anyone else.

As I constantly wonder: Why do so many, including some in here, actually PLAN for the time when they cannot live without assistance? For me, that would be Hell on Earth, and I would rather implement Plan A, as above, than endure the ministrations and patronizing services of those in the professional care giving industry. I have had exposure to the same, through visits to ancient friends and relatives, and those experiences still haunt me when I put myself in the starring role!
 
treeguy64 said:
I will be one of those people who lives life in the way I see fit, making adjustments along the way, until said life is not worth living. Barring complete mental degradation to the point where I am no longer "me," my exit plan is clear and of no danger to anyone else.

As I constantly wonder: Why do so many, including some in here, actually PLAN for the time when they cannot live without assistance? For me, that would be Hell on Earth, and I would rather implement Plan A, as above, than endure the ministrations and patronizing services of those in the professional care giving industry. I have had exposure to the same, through visits to ancient friends and relatives, and those experiences still haunt me when I put myself in the starring role!
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As morbid as this conversation is, I can’t express how upsetting it is to watch your parents lose their capacity and not want help. People don’t normally know how they are going to die and most don’t care to but if your body out lives your brain, it’s a horrible thing to go through; especially if ‘you’ didn’t previously communicate your wishes when and if this happens.

A mini stroke can change your entire life and all those around you. Not all seniors know enough to call 911. Some get so incapacitated they don’t realize they are incapacitated.

Apparently 30% of dementia patients become aggressive. Even people who have been mild mannered their entire life can become aggressive when dementia hits. It’s shocking and somewhat scary.
 
Keesha said:
Apparently 30% of dementia patients become aggressive. Even people who have been mild mannered their entire life can become aggressive when dementia hits. It’s shocking and somewhat scary.
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My daughter told me that one of her friends was a caregiver for her mother who had Alz. The friend said her mother had been a very sweet person, yet sometimes she would grab her arm and bite it.
 
PVC said:
My daughter told me that one of her friends was a caregiver for her mother who had Alz. The friend said her mother had been a very sweet person, yet sometimes she would grab her arm and bite it.
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It’s eye opening. I have the upmost respect for those working in geriatrics. I never realized the complexity of aging before but thank goodness for professionals.

Unfortunately I wasn’t in a position to care for parents.
 
treeguy64 said:
I will be one of those people who lives life in the way I see fit, making adjustments along the way, until said life is not worth living. Barring complete mental degradation to the point where I am no longer "me," my exit plan is clear and of no danger to anyone else.

As I constantly wonder: Why do so many, including some in here, actually PLAN for the time when they cannot live without assistance? For me, that would be Hell on Earth, and I would rather implement Plan A, as above, than endure the ministrations and patronizing services of those in the professional care giving industry. I have had exposure to the same, through visits to ancient friends and relatives, and those experiences still haunt me when I put myself in the starring role!
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Same here.
 
treeguy64 said:
As I constantly wonder: Why do so many, including some in here, actually PLAN for the time when they cannot live without assistance? For me, that would be Hell on Earth, and I would rather implement Plan A, as above, than endure the ministrations and patronizing services of those in the professional care giving industry.
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That depends on the kind of assistance. I would not want to have someone wipe my butt or change my diaper or even give me a bath/shower, spare me the indignity. BUT, I would have no problem getting assistance such as cleaning my house, bringing me meals/cooking, doing errands, doing laundry, taking care of the yard. There is no shame getting that kind of help and I plan to pay for it when I can no longer do it myself. I'd rather commit suicide than end up in a nursing home, I plan to age at home or end it all when no longer possible.
 
PVC said:
That depends on the kind of assistance. I would not want to have someone wipe my butt or change my diaper or even give me a bath/shower, spare me the indignity. BUT, I would have no problem getting assistance such as cleaning my house, bringing me meals/cooking, doing errands, doing laundry, taking care of the yard. There is no shame getting that kind of help and I plan to pay for it when I can no longer do it myself. I'd rather commit suicide than end up in a nursing home, I plan to age at home or end it all when no longer possible.
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I hear you. I guess it's simply a matter of degree, as in how much is too much when it comes to assistance. I do not have any problem, whatsoever, having someone mow my lawn, although I prefer to do it myself. Cleaning my house, I have had people over, occasionally, to do that, but we're talking from the time I was in my thirties, and very infrequently, as in less than five times. Any personal hygiene tasks are not going to be assigned to any care giver. That's where I draw the line, except during an acute illness, and Janet will take care of me, then, as I will take care of her. We've both had each other's backs for around fifteen years, now, and that's fine. If one of us is no longer around, the other will decide how to handle situations as they arise.
 
PVC said:
@Don M. = Sometimes the ''cure'' is worse or more frightening than the actual illness. I am also ''doctor and drug averse'' so will wait until the last minute to seek help. They're adults and should have the freedom and rights to live their life their way. They obviously resent the admonitions, "are increasingly becoming isolated from those around them", so pushing them is not the way to handle it. When they ''reach bottom'' I'm sure they will reach out for help or call 911 if need be.
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I totally agree - Sometimes the "cure" is worse or more frightening than the actual illness". THAT IS SOOOO TRUE. That is why a lot of people deal with their issues without meds or try natural remedies.. (if their illness is not life threatening or causing Chronic pain).

I think about how many Blood Pressure med recalls there are due to serious complications they can cause such as cancer, etc. And the side effects of some of these meds.. smh.. You go to the doc for stomach pain and end up taking 5 different meds.. Maybe one day the pharmaceutical companies and doctors will realize all meds does not fit all.
 
Ladybj said:
I totally agree - Sometimes the "cure" is worse or more frightening than the actual illness". THAT IS SOOOO TRUE. That is why a lot of people deal with their issues without meds or try natural remedies.. (if their illness is not life threatening or causing Chronic pain).

I think about how many Blood Pressure med recalls there are due to serious complications they can cause such as cancer, etc. And the side effects of some of these meds.. smh.. You go to the doc for stomach pain and end up taking 5 different meds.. Maybe one day the pharmaceutical companies and doctors will realize all meds does not fit all.
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It depends on your doctor when it comes to pills. My doctor is leaning to less not more.
 
Camper6 said:
It depends on your doctor when it comes to pills. My doctor is leaning to less not more.
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Yep, that's the way to go and its a two way street - reasoning with the doc or simply thanking them for their "opinion" even if you don't want to go the pill route for whatever ails you. No one lives for ever here in the flesh.
 
Camper6 said:
It depends on your doctor when it comes to pills. My doctor is leaning to less not more.
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Your doc is one in a million.

Before retiring, I use to work for a Surgical group and there are so many people age 50 and over (some younger) that are on at least 5 different type meds. My adopted mother (that is what I call her - my biological mom passed on) is 80 and she is oh my goodness on about 15 different meds. She does not take them all.. Whenever her dr prescribe her a new med if she is not comfortable with it, she have me look it up for her. She is still driving... so far, she is ok. She lives in a different State.
 
My doctor is awesome. He’s a retired old guy of about 70 who biked across Newfoundland last May in FOUR days. He prescribed my cannabis before it became legal and really listens to what I have to say.

For the record, I won’t plan or opt for a nursing home either. Once others have to change me, feed me and wash me, there’s nothing worth living for any more. I’d rather die alone with dignity.
 

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