When your kids connect with your mortality

[Ronni]

My second oldest son Grayson texted me yesterday to let me know that the mother of one of his best friends since childhood had passed away. She'd been ill and was terminal, so it wasn't entirely unexpected, but they thought she had more time left. He was so upset, much more than he expected to be. Grayson, Kevin and Justin (the son of the woman who passed) were like brothers, and always hung together. They still do, just not as often now. I used to refer to them as the Three Musketeers. They were always over at her house, or mine. They loved her. Grayson and Kevin called her Mama Number B ❤ and Kevin and Justin called me Mamacita. I've gotten a lot of nicknames over the years from my kids' friends.

Grayson sent me a text last night: "I demand you stick around until they come up with a viable solution to aging! " and then "Or at least an option where we can switch, I'll go on if i know you can stay for everyone else." I know my boy. He was hurting. I called him and he just cried...and I don't think there's anything more heartbreaking than hearing a grown man sob.

Another this morning: "She provided our seventeen year old dumbasses a safe place to be stupid, to smoke weed or drink safely, all while yelling at us when we were dumb, and praising us when we were smart. She gave us space and bought us chocolate. A ***** legend. Damn Mom, this is ****** hard!"

Yeah. It is. My daughter Paige has struggled also. She's talked about how more and more, she's hearing about the passing of a friend's mother, how she and her friends are entering the age where this is a not unexpected thing in their lives, and that while it's the natural order of things still it hits her so hard every time, and she can't even imagine it happening to her/me.

I've told Paige that honestly, I have so much more emotional pain at the idea of what my passing will do to her and her siblings than I do the worry of my own mortality. Like, if I didn’t think it would bother them, I’d feel so much better about it!!

How does one help one's children and grands too if you're close to them, how do we as aging parents help our kids deal with this?

 

[Happyflowerlady]

This is something that I have been working with, too, just in a different way. I remember how distraught I was when my own mother died, and I am sure that it would be traumatic for my kids when I die, especially for my daughter, who is also my best friend in all the world. Like you said, @Ronni , I am more concerned about this than I am about myself dying.
I have lived a long life, and if the Lord calls me home tomorrow, I am fine with that; but I am not fine with hurting my beloved children when I die.
This is actually what motivates me to take as good of care of my health as possible.

I don’t want to outlive my kids either, and obviously, it has to go one way or the other. With my heart problems, they all know that it could just quit, or I might live another 15 years...... who knows ?
I know that nothing would have stopped my pain at losing my mother, and she was in her 80’s, and had heart failure when she passed away; so I don’t think that there is anything a person can do to change the fact that those we love are going to miss us emotionally when we pass away.
My efforts are directed at letting them know how well-loved they are while I am still here, and then they at least will have those good memories after I am gone.

 

[Pinky]

Make lots of happy memories with them, so their sadness at your passing also holds joy.

My mother passed in her mid 60's when I was in my mid 30's. It was, and is, still very hard for me to recall her life as it was a hard life with much sadness in it.

Be close to them .. it helps.

 

[Ronni]

My efforts are directed at letting them know how well-loved they are while I am still here, and then they at least will have those good memories after I am gone.

Definitely this. We are a very close family and do things together frequently, so we make good memories all the time. There isn't strain or contentiousness when we get together, everyone enjoys each other's company.

The sibs get together separately from the frequent family affairs I host, to help with something, monthly poker nights, to just hang etc. and I am grateful for their closeness to one another which will help too.

Make lots of happy memories with them, so their sadness at your passing also holds joy.......
Be close to them .. it helps.

When my own father was sick and ailing, I went through a period of distancing myself from him, with the mistaken idea that that distance would help me feel less sad at his passing. The death of a friend's mother, and her deep regret at not having spent more time with her made me realize that my distancing strategy was only going to leave me filled with regret and guilt at whatever point my dad passed away.

That's a lesson that's stayed with me, and it's made me realize that I'd much rather experience deep sadness than I would regret and guilt. And that at the passing of a loved one, the depth of one's sadness is in part of measure of the love and esteem in which the departed was held. Closeness in life = sadness in death. That's just the way it rolls.