Lots of changes in my step-family!

Ronni

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
For those of you who aren't familiar with my story, Ron and I are sharing the house right now with Sheri, his youngest daughter and her 2 children. She left an abusive relationship to move in with her Dad, "temporarily," 3 years ago. She was going to be out in 6 months, but.....yeah. That didn't work out so well.

Sheri has had a couple of relationships since I've known Ron, one serious enough for her to become engaged. I guess it took her getting engaged to realize that she didn't want to be, so she broke that off a month later. Since Thanksgiving she's been dating John. He seems a decent guy, Ron has some reservations, he seems a bit of a know it all, but he's really good with Sheri's kids and he and Sheri seem very compatible.

So out of the blue a couple days ago, they announce to Ron and me that they're going to Vegas on Feb 18th to elope!! And that no one knows, and they're not going to tell anyone till they get back! Sheri's mom/Ron's ex is going to watch the kids, she just thinks they're going away for a couple days. While I'm thrilled for her, I'm concerned...she's been dating this man since Thanksgiving. That's not a whole lot of time to establish their relationship. She knew him vaguely for a year before that, they sort of traveled in the same social circle so were acquainted, but have only really dated for 2 months.

Then last night, Sheri and John take me aside and wordlessly shows me a photo on her phone.....it's a pregnancy test and it's positive!!! WHAT?????? That is not, apparently why they're heading to Vegas. They had no idea she was pregnant when they hatched the Vegas plan and bought the tickets. This was an oops, it just occurred to her yesterday to check the calendar to see when she was due, and she was overdue by a couple of days, and she's NEVER overdue so...there you go! This is freaking them out, but they're also thrilled. They're really living life in the fast lane that's for sure!!!!

And then there's his oldest daughter Krystal. Ron built a tiny house on our property in order to use it as an airbnb and make some extra money. Krystal and her husband Christian have ended up living in it for the last 8 months while they outfit their skoolie, which should be fully ready to move into by the spring.

So last week, Krystal and Christian announced to her Dad and me that they're pregnant!!! She's been wanting to have a baby for a long time, but the time was never right for her....she's a planner, and so her relationship, job, finances all had to be right. And now they are, and she couldn't be more excited!! She immediately reached out to Paige, my daughter, who has three kids of her own and is extremely well read and researched about all aspects of pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding (she's a lactation consultant and studying midwifery) and so is a good person to be in touch with.

Also as a Christmas present to themselves they bought an 8 acre tract of land, just outside the Tennessee border, that they intend to build on in the next three years, part of the reason for outfitting the skoolie, so they can live in that while they build. Apparently they have no problem with the idea of having an infant/young child with them in a skoolie....good for them! Wouldn't be my choice, but whatever. We're happy for them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Privately, I'm shocked at how quickly Sheri is moving into this phase of her life with John. I think it's very fast, and I worry about it. I'm also not a little irritated at the timing. There's this sense of her really stealing her sister's thunder by overshadowing Krystals pregnancy announcement and enjoyment with Sheri's own wedding and pregnancy news. I dunno, I guess i'm not being very fair....it just seems not very considerate of Sheri. Ron feels a bit the same, not that it's any of our business but still. I feel bad for Krystal.
 

seems ronni that ron has some baggage thats followed along 'these kids cannot expect you both to keep helping them
out of tricky situations -if the girl has got pregnant thats up to her and him let them sort it ,
people have to help themselves through life 'little hand out is fine with family as we all do it '

but you two are getting married -and planning out your lives -dont get dragged along with some ones problems etc'
or I can see their problems coming into your home 'think you need to be tougher - Ron has to say it too !!!!!!!
 

I’ve not had children Ronni so I’m like a fish out of water on this one but one thing I really appreciated about my parents was that they never interfered in my personal affairs. Maybe they weren’t interested enough but I think we are all entitled to make our own mistakes. In my opinion, that’s what our life on this planet is all about. Life experience is about making mistakes and learning from them which we all do.

I know you are worried from loving concern but as the ‘step mom,’ I’d think it best to stay as clear out of their business as possible. It’s ‘showing’ respect to these growing adults. If this is unfair to Krystal then let ‘her’ deal with it. These are both grown adults. Life’s not always fair and we don’t always get what we want. Standing back and allowing life to unfold without feeling the need to feel something is ‘wrong’ I think is the greatest gift you can give them, their father and yourself.

Good luck Ronni. ❤️
 
Sorry Ronni, but from what I'm reading it doesn't seem that Sheri is deliberately trying to steal Krystals' thunder.. she didn't know she was pregnant so didn't deliberately set out to upstage Krystal, and she's eloping, so she's not even making a big deal of her wedding.. just quietly getting on with it, no big hoo-ha, not even telling her own mother ...so again I can't see how that's upstaging Krystal.

I kinda feel..and please don't be offended , but these adult children are being cosseted far too much , but that's not my business it's yours and Rons.... 😐..and we all want what's best for our children

I understand you being irritated, it's a lot to happen all at once when you're already dealing with so much yourself with a full time job and your new home remodel etc.. and life generally..
Personally I'd just let them get on with it and stop allowing them to take advantage of both of your good natures bailing them out with free available accommodation regardless of how inconvenient it may be for you both
 
On the plus side, both daughters can share their pregnancies/births with each other. When the children are born, they will each have a cousin to play with/grow up with. Having a cousin close in age and in the same area of the country is great for the children. Cousin relationships can be special, sometimes better than siblings, since competition for parents' attention isn't a factor.
 
I'd have to say...…...I really don't know about your situation, but I'd be very, very careful.

For us, this is the reason we don't live anywhere near relatives (actually, states away). Just like my BIL says, "I don't want to have anything to do with family problems. I have enough to worry about in my own life". I totally agree.
 
I agree with Holly that Sheri is not ''deliberately'' stealing the pregnancy thunder from Krystal since she made her eloping plans before finding out she was pregnant. I do wonder, along with other posters, if they plan to live with you and Ron forever. Since she moved in with Dad ''temporarily'' THREE years ago, did she mention what their plans are after the wedding re housing? Time to set some boundaries.
 
You guys are great! I really appreciate this input.

Keesha said:
I’ve not had children Ronni so I’m like a fish out of water on this one but one thing I really appreciated about my parents was that they never interfered in my personal affairs. Maybe they weren’t interested enough but I think we are all entitled to make our own mistakes. In my opinion, that’s what our life on this planet is all about. Life experience is about making mistakes and learning from them which we all do.......Good luck Ronni. ❤
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@Keesha of course you're right, and I realize I didn't make it clear that we're not actually DOING anything about this other than expressing surprise and congratulating them and wishing them all the best, regardless of our own personal opinions. I mean, there is NOTHING to be gained by inserting our opinions, other than alienating them, and that's not in anyone's best interests. It's only here that I'm spewing all my worries and concerns, because I can, because y'all are safe for me to vent to! :love:
hollydolly said:
Sorry Ronni, but from what I'm reading it doesn't seem that Sheri is deliberately trying to steal Krystals' thunder.. she didn't know she was pregnant so didn't deliberately set out to upstage Krystal, and she's eloping, so she's not even making a big deal of her wedding.. just quietly getting on with it, no big hoo-ha, not even telling her own mother ...so again I can't see how that's upstaging Krystal.

I kinda feel..and please don't be offended , but these adult children are being cosseted far too much , but that's not my business it's yours and Rons.... 😐..and we all want what's best for our children

Personally I'd just let them get on with it and stop allowing them to take advantage of both of your good natures bailing them out with free available accommodation regardless of how inconvenient it may be for you both
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@hollydolly no, of course Sheri isn't deliberately trying to steal Krystal's thunder and I'm sorry I didn't make it clear that I don't think any of this is intentional. Nonetheless I think Krystal will react negatively, kind of a "here we go again" thing. Krystal has worked hard to structure her life with thought and intentionality, waiting to get married, training and waiting for the right job, waiting to purchase the land where they’ll build their forever home, waiting to get pregnant till all that was in place. Sheri on the other hand has always tended to be the black sheep, make rash and impulsive decisions and gotten herself into all kinds of trouble, with all the attendant drama and noise. So she’s always been more the center of everyone’s attention by necessity, even when the attention has been negative. It would be totally understandable for Krys to feel a degree of resentment that once again, even though this pregnancy is a monumental event in Krystal’s life, Sheri will once again steal the limelight by announcing her elopement once they get back, buying and moving into new home, planning a big celebration as combined housewarming/wedding reception/pregnancy announcement etc. And all of that is a GOOD thing, but the timing isn't.
Wren said:
Ronni, I hope all this drama is not overshadowing the joy of planning your own wedding and, call me selfish but, my main concern would be, where are Sheri and John planning to live with their three children ? ?
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gennie said:
Be careful or all the new babies might upstage your own marriage plans. Shouldn't that be the family focus now?
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@gennie This will definitely overshadow the wedding. The timing of both these babies' births will mean that in all likelihood neither Sheri nor Krystal will be able to be Ron's Best Men, as he had wanted. Additionally Sheri and her Dad work together, and the plan was for her to cover for him with some extra help when we go on Honeymoon. That won't happen now, she'll have barely given birth when we get married so the two weeks we'd planned will be shortened more likely to a long weekend. And the countless details of the wedding planning and preparation that we were counting on the girls to help with now won't happen. So the wedding by necessity will become secondary to everyone, whereas up till last week it was pretty much all the family was talking about and thinking with.

I think someone asked where Sheri and John will live once they get married. They've been looking for a house, just got bank approval for a mortgage, and are determined by the end of this weekend to have something secured, at least offers put in, and hopefully a very quick escrow so that they don't have to continue to live apart after they're married.

Ron and I have already talked about beginning the major renovations to the house that we've been planning, but which we couldn't do while Sheri and the kids were living here. Those renovations involve tearing down the wall that made it possible for the living room to be Sheri's bedroom, and also maybe extend the kitchen/dining room into what was the boys bedroom. In other words make the house no longer viable for them, but perfect for us.

Sheri's Mom and stepdad recently moved into a house three times as large as their last, and if this all goes south with Sheri and John (and I hope it doesn't, but I'm just concerned because of the speed) her Mom can step up and let them live in her guest room and den, The kids have lived with Ron all their lives, he's been their primary care giver since they were little after the divorce, so I think it's perfectly OK for Mom to do her share if it becomes needed.

And yeah, Ron is very well aware of his enabling issues regarding the kids. And I would add he's also becoming much more aware of Sheri's entitlement issues too, since I've been gently pointing that out to him as well. He completely acknowledges his need to put his foot down and create some very clear and strong boundaries. It’s very hard for him to actually walk that walk though. And I get it. He right now is where I was with Grayson, my addict son, for several years. The specifics are different but the enabling is heart wrenchingly similar, heart wrenching because I know how much he cares and how difficult it is to actually tell your kid “No more!” :(
 
@Ronni, relationships with adult children can be surprisingly complicated. For DH and me, most of the time everything is pretty easy, go-with-the-flow, other times we walk on a few eggshells to get through a weird patch.

I feel for you with this situation, especially the conflicting timing with respect to your upcoming wedding.
 

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