Tell Mum you love her as often as you can.....

T

TrickorTreat

New Member
Location
Shropshire England
Hi everyone, my first topic after joining a few minutes ago, hopefully this is the right forum, but am sure the mods will kindly move it if I have made a mistake....

I just thought I would tell you about a coincidence today. My lovely, much-loved widowed mum lives just 10 doors away from me. She is 90 but always as sprightly as a 50 year old, always on the go from the moment she wakes to the setting of the sun.

Every day after work I pop in to see her and help her complete the crossword she has been doing throughout the day. We have laughed so much at some of the answers she puts, we have tears rolling down our faces. it seems she has always been there forever...until last week that is....when she had a fall in the sitting room during the day when I was at work and luckily a neighbour heard her cries for help (she couldn't get her arms from underneath her to press her buzzer) She was taken to hospital and all sorts of tests and x-rays done.

Yesterday the Doctor told us that the prognosis is not good, that my beautiful much loved Mum has a serious heart problem and only up to maybe six weeks left and they have put her on DNR (do not resuscitate), Now I know I am not alone on here in going through something like this but when I was told this devastating news I felt as though I was the only person in the world who was going through such pain.

That was MY MUM he was talking about, it can't be right, I was completely numb. I walked into the ward after speaking to the doctor and there she was sitting up in bed with her beautiful smile, unknowing, confident she was well enough to come home, complaining about the hospital food, who's who on the ward, giving me instructions on what to bring in for her on my next visit. All the time my head was buzzing, my heart was racing, I wanted to scream !! No, not my mum !! it can't be true !! and all the time she is happily chatting away to me.

Anyway, the reason I am telling you this is that hours after I reached home and wept buckets, I tried to regain some sanity and started reading hubby's paper, the Sun, and what was the first page I opened up at ... Katie Hopkins with her main topic "Tell Mum you love her while you can""

I hope you don't mind me sharing the article with you,

Do you ever drive to work and realise you can't recall a single moment of the drive, as if you were on autopilot?
I dial my mum's telephone number in that same way, it's a reflex action like a hiccup. We have a natter about nothing in particular, then we hang up knowing we will do the same thing tomorrow.

But what happens when that day comes and your mum is no longer around and you go to dial that number and realise there is no-one on the end of it?
Who will you call when you feel like a good old moan?
and who will tell you it is all going to be OK because things always happen for a reason?

In a horrible moment of realisation, some time soon there will be no-one above you in the family tree for you to call for the right answer.
It is a worry many of us share.
I asked the Twitter gang what they thought and, even with only 140 characters, the fear was palpable.
Many admitted they couldn't bear to take their parents' numbers off their phone despite the fact they have been dead for years.

To delete the number would be like deleting their parents or deleting the memory of them

They thought they were the only ones but it turns out they were in good company. Hundreds of us do the same.
Others said they still text their mum or dad sometimes even though they are gone. Texting into nothingness because they just need to tell someone who will listen without judging and lend a forgiving ear.

The more recently bereaved had messages on their answer phones they dared not even listen to because they knew it would be the voice of their late mum or dad.
One lady was going to have her messages saved to her computer so she could keep them and play them back when she was feeling braver.
And perhaps the hardest to read were the stories from those who never knew their mum or dad, they grew up without knowing either, or both, and always felt a little bit lost in the world.
And to those who have memories or a voice left on an answering machine, they said we should feel lucky and happy their parents cared enough to stick around for so long.

I know sometimes we leave things too late and we are so busy being busy that we forget the things in life which will matter to us later.
And one day we will go to ring the number we know best then remember there is no-one at the end of it.

Being awfully British, we don't like talking about how we feel, about how we are scared of Mum and Dad not being there any more, it is upsetting and awkward.
But listening to the sadness of those who wished they still had their Mum or Dad to talk to and were too sad after ten years to even delete their number from their phone, perhaps we should stock up on memories while we have the chance.

Tonight I will ring my Mum like I always do and have a natter about nothing in particular then hang up.
But when I finish the call I will make sure I tell her I love her and how much I dread the day I go to ring her number and realise she is no longer there.
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What a coincidence? I just wanted to jump in the car, race down the corridor of the hospital, rush to her bedside and hug her until she pushes me away in annoyance, but of course I didn't.

Sorry the above topic is rather a miserable, sad topic, but at the risk of any eyebrow raising, I don't care. if you do have a Mum or Dad, tell them every single day you still have them here, that you love them, I will certainly do that with my mum for the remaining precious time.

Thanks for reading xx
 

I'm very sorry to hear about your mother TrickorTreat, I hope she can live a bit longer than they predict...hugs. :love_heart: I lost my parents some years ago, and it is hard to see them as they near the end of life. My mother was living at my sister's home, when she had a stroke and fell in her room. When my sister discovered her, it was too late, she was rushed to the hospital and was in a diabetic coma, at the age of 77. She had brain stem damage and they said she would be a 'vegetable' if she ever woke up from the coma.

Luckily she passed within a couple of days, and we were devastated. My sister still blames herself for not getting to her quickly enough, although she's really being too hard on herself and shouldn't feel any guilt, as she cared for her and loved her every single day. I do wish now that I would have told both of my parents how much I loved them, and spent more time with them before they passed on. Good topic, and one that most of us seniors can definitely relate to.
 
TrickorTreat,:sorry: I was the care giver for both my parents, and at least I know I shared as much as I could with them. I know they felt cared for. So remember that your mum knows how much you care for her. It sounds like she is trying to leave you with as many good memories as she can right up to the end. Smile as much as you can for her, and drink up the smiles she is gifting to you. You have a little more time to do some of the things she has always wanted to do, and you get to be there to enjoy them with her. :p Do you own a video?
 

My mom fell and broke her hip at the age of 93. Amazingly she did well enough in rehab to be able to come home. She could actually get around with a walker. I had a sitter stay with her during the day and I took care of her at night. We were never the type to tell each other how much we loved each other. But we knew it. During her last few months before she got pneumonia, she would tell me how much she appreciated me taking care of her. I told her I wouldn't have it any other way. We both knew.

Trickortreat, I'm sorry about your mom. It is tough to let them go. I hope you both have more time together. Even though my mom and I had an understanding, I wish I had verbalized my love to her more.
 
Only tell some you love them if you mean it. I wasn't particularly fond of my mother and certainly didn't feel any love for her. However my siblings and I ensured she wanted for nothing, and had the best of care homes.
 
SeaBreeze said:
I'm very sorry to hear about your mother TrickorTreat, I hope she can live a bit longer than they predict...hugs. :love_heart: I lost my parents some years ago, and it is hard to see them as they near the end of life. My mother was living at my sister's home, when she had a stroke and fell in her room. When my sister discovered her, it was too late, she was rushed to the hospital and was in a diabetic coma, at the age of 77. She had brain stem damage and they said she would be a 'vegetable' if she ever woke up from the coma.

Luckily she passed within a couple of days, and we were devastated. My sister still blames herself for not getting to her quickly enough, although she's really being too hard on herself and shouldn't feel any guilt, as she cared for her and loved her every single day. I do wish now that I would have told both of my parents how much I loved them, and spent more time with them before they passed on. Good topic, and one that most of us seniors can definitely relate to.
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Thank you Seabreeze for your thoughts, I have to admit that after posting I did have second thoughts about having divulged such a personal thing happening in my life with others but I am glad now that I did. It certainly seems as though you and your family went through a similar experience and my heart goes out to you.
As for me, I am learning to accept that no matter how much we love someone, if their time has come there is absolutely nothing any of us can do to change it, that it doesn't matter how much money or influence one may have it cannot prevent the awful finality of the death of a dearly loved family member. All I can do is as others rightly suggest on here, is to keep smiling in front of her, tell her more than once a day how much I love her and treasure every single moment that I have left with her. x
 
Ina said:
TrickorTreat,:sorry: I was the care giver for both my parents, and at least I know I shared as much as I could with them. I know they felt cared for. So remember that your mum knows how much you care for her. It sounds like she is trying to leave you with as many good memories as she can right up to the end. Smile as much as you can for her, and drink up the smiles she is gifting to you. You have a little more time to do some of the things she has always wanted to do, and you get to be there to enjoy them with her. :p Do you own a video?
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Hi Ina, thank you for your reply and kind thoughts, yes, we do have a video and lots on mum and my lovely late dad. Don't know how long it will be before I will be brave enough to look through them though once she has gone. I know some people will probably think "well at 90 she had a good innings" and if she had been ill and in a care/nursing home then that would have been daunting enough, but as I said, she was so sprightly and not ill in any way, (she would still walk 1/4 mile into and back from town pulling her shopping trolley merrily behind her, taking a box of chocolates or a tin of biscuits into the post office so that the staff would have something with their cup of tea for the week when she collected her pension), and this was only the week before last, so to be told that this is the end, never again will she take that walk that she enjoyed so much, is really difficult to bear. Silly to think of such simple things but it upsets me so much. I know the saying "only the good die young" is so true, but it is equally true of any age.
 
Bullie76 said:
My mom fell and broke her hip at the age of 93. Amazingly she did well enough in rehab to be able to come home. She could actually get around with a walker. I had a sitter stay with her during the day and I took care of her at night. We were never the type to tell each other how much we loved each other. But we knew it. During her last few months before she got pneumonia, she would tell me how much she appreciated me taking care of her. I told her I wouldn't have it any other way. We both knew.

Trickortreat, I'm sorry about your mom. It is tough to let them go. I hope you both have more time together. Even though my mom and I had an understanding, I wish I had verbalized my love to her more.
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Hi bullie76, Thank you so much, it is comforting to know that others such as yourself have been through the same heartbreak I am going through at the moment and know how I am feeling. It's like being in limbo.
I have to accept that like almost every other person with elderly parents, we have no choice but to endure and just pray that they have a painless, peaceful passing.
 
Justme said:
Only tell some you love them if you mean it. I wasn't particularly fond of my mother and certainly didn't feel any love for her. However my siblings and I ensured she wanted for nothing, and had the best of care homes.
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Hi Justme, I'm so sorry you weren't particularly fond of your mum, but by your kindness and caring for her by ensuring she wanted for nothing, I feel sure in your own way you loved her. Your comments have made me feel so lucky to have had the love of my mum and loved her so much in return. It is something that I will always treasure. x
 
TrickorTreat said:
Hi Justme, I'm so sorry you weren't particularly fond of your mum, but by your kindness and caring for her by ensuring she wanted for nothing, I feel sure in your own way you loved her. Your comments have made me feel so lucky to have had the love of my mum and loved her so much in return. It is something that I will always treasure. x
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I doubt she would have considered my attitude towards her as loving kindness, especially when I threatened to apply to the court to get her certified when she refused to go into the care home we had selected for her! She wasn't looking after herselfand driving my baby sister, who had power of attorney, crazy. Of course she never forgave me for that, but to be frank it had the desired effect, so I wasn't bothered. When she died last year we all breathed a massive sigh of relief. I didn't go to the funeral, as it would have inconvenienced me greatly, having to catch a flight and be away for a couple of days.
 
Justme said:
I doubt she would have considered my attitude towards her as loving kindness, especially when I threatened to apply to the court to get her certified when she refused to go into the care home we had selected for her! She wasn't looking after herselfand driving my baby sister, who had power of attorney, crazy. Of course she never forgave me for that, but to be frank it had the desired effect, so I wasn't bothered. When she died last year we all breathed a massive sigh of relief. I didn't go to the funeral, as it would have inconvenienced me greatly, having to catch a flight and be away for a couple of days.
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Morning Justme, honestly I am so sorry that you didn't receive the love you deserved from your mum and your own feelings for her. After reading your post I count my blessings for the fortune of having an abundance of love from my parents and my heart will be full of love and rememberance of the good times we shared all my life. Sending you a huge hug cos you obviously deserve it. :sentimental:
 
TrickorTreat said:
Morning Justme, honestly I am so sorry that you didn't receive the love you deserved from your mum and your own feelings for her. After reading your post I count my blessings for the fortune of having an abundance of love from my parents and my heart will be full of love and rememberance of the good times we shared all my life. Sending you a huge hug cos you obviously deserve it. :sentimental:
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Please don't feel sorry for me, I don't. I can't say it bothered me in the slightest. I am not a lovey dovey person myself. When I was 12 I gave up hugging and kissing my parents as I thought it embarrassing! :D My husband and I weren't particularly romantic even as young people, we don't go in for kissing and hugging these days. Our kids are still working out which cliff to chuck me off when I get more senile than I am now, which is great fun!:D
 
LOL Justme, sounds as though you found love with your own family that wasn't around with your mum. and certainly no-one needs to be lovey dovey or kiss and hug to prove they love each other, your family sounds just right with a great sense of humour, if they can poke fun at your "impending senility" you must be doing something right. and I can guarantee that they love their mum ! :D
 
TrickorTreat said:
LOL Justme, sounds as though you found love with your own family that wasn't around with your mum. and certainly no-one needs to be lovey dovey or kiss and hug to prove they love each other, your family sounds just right with a great sense of humour, if they can poke fun at your "impending senility" you must be doing something right. and I can guarantee that they love their mum ! :D
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To give my mother her due, she was very good when our kids were very tiny, and would fly over to help out if need be. She probably had a better relationship with my kids than with me. As a younger woman she was very good looking, elegant and loved wearing fashionable, bespoke designer clothes. She loved dressing her four daughters, of whom I am the eldest, in pretty clothes, it gave her a buzz. I absolutely detested being dressed up, preferring jeans and T shirts. I also like playing with boy's toys, hating girly things like dolls etc. I spent my childhood rebelling against the blueprint she had for raising daughters!:D I got on very well with her mother who had her own apartment in our large family home. I used to escape there when I was in the deep proverbial with my parents as was often the case. I went where angels feared to tread most of the time, and incurred many a good thrashing when I did something completely crazy. Kicking a live grenade around like a football when I was 10 was one such event, my backside still tingles from being thrashed within an inch of my life. 'I would should see you up in the graveyard than turn out bad', was one of my Dad's favourite phrases, and he meant it. But in my adult years I got on fine with him, I am just sorry he died before mother and didn't have a few years peace and quiet without her, they never got on.
 
Wow Justme, sounds as though you had a very "eventful" upbringing. I guess your mum showed her love for her daughters in the only way she knew how to. by ensuring you had the best of material things rather than showing her love in ways that wouldn't have cost her a penny. Still, maybe it was a lesson in life that t urned you into what a great mum should be. (sadly, at least you can thank her for showing you how to do the complete opposite !) Best wishes TrickorTreat xx
 

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